I really need some advice. My Mom is 79, recently moved from her hometown to mine. She is miserably unhappy, refuses all offers from me to help her meet people, get out, etc. She is angry with me and says she just wants to stay home and sleep. I know she is depressed but she insists she isn't. I'm getting to the point where I get down the minute I get to her place as I know
how miserable she is. Is this partly the aging process, if she denies being depressed what can I do to help ????? Any advice would be appreciated. Ali
alana r------read some of the posts from "you're notalone" alot of us have been there. it is one of the most difficult things children are faced with when their parents age and need help. I believe they are so depressed because their own mortality is right in front of them. also it's a loss of there independence. They can be so mean at times and the refusal of any help is horrifying to someone trying to care for them. my husband and i nursed both of his parents at the same time. my father-in-law was always a sweetie. my mother-in-law on the other hand refused to do anything and demanded we do everything from feeding her to wiping her butt even though at that point she could do it herself. at one point my husband went to give them dinner and not feeling well himself found his mom in a little corner of the couch with her potty (dirty) right next to her eating her soup off the potty lid. Well he freaked out on her. told her he would not watch her sit there and eat from her toilet crammed in a corner.told her she needed to get up and walk a little and have some feeling for himself. he wa so upset he left and told her he would not be back unless she helped herself somewhat. when he got home he cried for hours at how he had screamed at his mom. she called me a couple of hours later and asked where "her boy" was. she wanted to thank him for knocking some sense in her. she was up and walking (with a walker) had a hairdresser come in a couple of days later to wash and cut her hair. Hard as it was he had to get through to her. When you can't do anymore call in some sort of aide. whether it be home aides, nurses, her dr. or even vollunteers that talk and read to the elderly. you will need a break before long to keep your stamina going and before you really start to resent her which is normal. Best of luck. let me know how things are going
ICC, thanks for pointing me in the right direction, I will read those posts. I look forward to having my mom in the same town for years and it has turned into a nightmare. This has been such a shock I don't think it has sunk in yet.
I'm glad you mentioned their facing their mortality as I have wondered it that is part of what is upsetting her. I'll keep you posted. Ali
HI THERE - boy do I know what you're going through - I brought my mother (71 yrs old) to live with me after she developed lung cancer (my dad passed away a year ago), and she kept telling my sister & I that she could no longer look after herself, it's all we heard. I thought I was doing a good thing when I gave her the option of coming to my house, she chose to move in (and it was a huge job getting her moved) and all we've heard is complaints & sarcasm and I mean really nasty comments and dirty looks, it got so bad that I finally confronted her & said we'd had enough and that's when she started screaming at me that I made her move in-didn't give her a choice, my daughter is spoiled rotten, I'm a liar (I have no idea where that one came from), she hates my husband, its the worse mistake she ever made, I put her through hell when I was a teenager (as did my son to me - but that's what some teens do - get over it!), it's the way she is and no one's ever said anything (I actually have pointed it out to her in the past but it was all put back on me - I'm too sensitive, she's only joking, etc), and much much more. We haven't spoken for a week, it makes for a very uncomfortable situation as she's right in my basement. My sister stopped calling & visiting because of the nasty comments my mother would make (and I did let my mom know that's why she doesn't hear from her other daughter)! Mind you, when she's talking to her friends she's all sugar & spice and full of love - so we figure she uses up her niceness on aquaintances and doesn't have any left for her family. Meanwhile I ran myself ragged getting her to her chemo, dr appointments, doing her shopping, as well as working full time & I have a family - I'm at my wits end and my stomach is always in a knot. Now I don't know what I'm supposed to say to her - but I'd desperately like her to leave, even though she has no where to go (actually I'd like her to be a nice, caring, un-sarcastic mom but that's not about to happen!) ... Why do we think we're being good daughters (& sons) and then have it come back & kick you in the teeth. If nothing else I hope that I've learned from this that if I ever have to depend on my children that I will treat them the way I would hope to be treated and if they ever have a complaint about me I hope I will be able to take a look at myself & change the way I behave if necessary - without all the yelling. Some people (ie my mother) think they can say whatever they want and it's supposed to be taken as a joke even though it's actually what's on their mind and not funny at all, but as soon as you tell them what you think they are on the defensive and get very angry. I always thought you didn't get dealt more than you can handle - I'm finding that's not true, this past year & 1/2 I've had way more than my share! Hang in there though - as I'm trying to do - perhaps one day the reason we're going through such trials will be evident. Agnes...
hi girls----my first post was about my in-laws. this one is about my mother. she is 82 and God bless her. still does volunteer work in a local hospital (medical records) so you know her mind is fit. has the normal aches and pains that any 82 year old would have. all my life she made it clear to everyone that your first born is the most special. well i am the youngest of 2 girls. listened to it all my life, very hurt as a child. my sister and i always had a good relationship in spite of our mother. at one point my sister went through a horrible time that lasted 10 years with her husband. he was cheating on her with a girl around the corner, my sister had to have surgery and her husband would have their daughter babysit for his girlfriend so he could take her out, it was common knowledge at their sons baseball games that he was seeing this woman. what a creep. years later my sister woke one day to a sheriff sale sign on their home. he said he was paying the mortgage but wasn't. having only 3 days to move out she had to move in with our mother. well as time went on my niece and nephew became very abusive to my mother and sister. everytime i tried to step in they stopped me. after 2 years of this my dear sister committed suicide. at that point i tried with all my heart to take care of my mother since i had also lost a child i knew how she felt. no help excepted. my nephew lived with her and verbally abused her for 2 years until finally i told her i thought it was time she sold her house and moved closer to me. she agreed. moved into a lovely apartment, bought all new furniture, had 100 times more conveniences than in her house, met new friends. i was so happy that she was finally happy. WRONG!!!! all of a sudden after 2 years my niece and nephew crawled out of the woodwork, i believe their father said to get in touch with her since she had ALL that money from the house sale. all of a sudden she turned on me AGAIN and said i never did anything for her that her grandchildren were the best. she would tell other family members this also who knew better. at this point i have closed the door and no longer speak to her as most of the rest of the family who know what her grandchildren are like. she has isolated herself from everyone for these 2 brats that only want her money. well i say let them have it BUT they can also take the burden when she can't get around anymore. it was her choice. the last thing i said to her was " I can't make you love or even like me but i can stop you from hurting me anymore." that was last november. i sleep at night and am guilt free becasue i know i did everything i could and it still wasn't good enoudh.
Well, my mother leaves tomorrow (she thinks I don't know!) to live with my sister, she has thrown all the care and support that I have provided over more than 30 years in my face and I will honestly be glad to see the back of her and my sister and get my life back. If she were to stop to say goodbye (which she won't) I would be tempted to say "May your malice go with you!"
She has spent the last few days tearing up and disposing of the cards I have sent her over the years , but for some reason what hurt me most was to find the box that her dog's ashes had occupied flung in the waste with my cards, as if Iggy's association with me made her worthless as well.
ICC and other members on this board have been a lifeline to me during these past weeks.
Big hugs to all of you who have suffered unloving, ungrateful mothers when you were trying to make their lives easier!
silvia---you know i understand. and i also understand the pain in letting go. you will get your life back and please, please don't look back. in a very short time you will be at peace and the hurt will vanish. my prayers and thoughts are with you. check in and let me know how you are.