Any advice? - Caregivers Message Board

Lisa_P · 06-05-2007, 04:32 PM

I took care of my mom after her stroke for about a year and then I moved in with the man who is now my fiance/common-law husband. He and I have since moved to another state, so visits have been less frequent than I'd like, but everyone was ok with that at the time... My brother has been taking care of Mom for just over two years and has now gotten a job offer in Dallas that he just can't refuse. SO. Today I got a call from him about how he'll be coming to pick me up in two weeks and I have to go take over with Mom for at least three months. Mom's on waiting lists for Assisted Living, but the best chance to get in is maybe two months... My husband says 3 months is too long, it just won't work, why can't I just say no, etc., etc.... (In the past, he has said if I go, I better be going for good-- he's tired of the repeated demand for me to "come home" every few months; yes, there seems to be a crisis with my brother's job situation that often. But THIS time it's an actual job in a city where he has lots of old friends in his field of expertise... The other times have been the PROSPECT of certain things.)

I just don't know what to do!! I even did a little chart for myself of pros and cons but it doesn't help, because they seem equally weighted either way... I know Mom will be better without my brother and his crises and she and I have always been good together as adult roommates. But there's Ed. There's the life we're building HERE. Do I just throw all this away and be the spinster companion to my mother???

rosequartz · 06-05-2007, 06:49 PM

wow, I have to say your man is being a little cold hearted and selfish. would he toss his own mother aside like he wants you to do? This would be a real eye opener for me.....this is your MOTHER! Would she be there for you? I bet she would......now this man??? I don't know that he would.....he may toss you aside if/when you get old and sick. I'd rather be alone than with someone who expected me to pick him over my mother in a situation like this. You can find another man.....you only get one mother. I couldn't live with myself if I abandoned my mom.....

Lisa_P · 06-06-2007, 04:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rosequartz

wow, I have to say your man is being a little cold hearted and selfish. would he toss his own mother aside like he wants you to do? This would be a real eye opener for me.....this is your MOTHER! Would she be there for you? I bet she would......now this man??? I don't know that he would.....he may toss you aside if/when you get old and sick. I'd rather be alone than with someone who expected me to pick him over my mother in a situation like this. You can find another man.....you only get one mother. I couldn't live with myself if I abandoned my mom.....

Actually, I AM sick. He lets me know he doesn't like it when we have to get my rather expensive medication... Yeah, again "selfish and cold-hearted."

Something else to consider...

mmmcoffee · 06-06-2007, 06:43 AM

Hello---
Just a quick reply--I help taking care of my Mom also. Depression, into beginning stages of dimentia/alzheimers....just getting old as she says. My husband and I have been married for 13 yrs. Before we got married, we bought a house less than a mile away from my parents. I told him then (and still feel the same) that they had done so much for me/us that I would be there the day I needed to take care of them. He knows this, and married me anyway.....lol! He is not ready for us to all live in the same house yet, but that's okay because we haven't gotten to that point yet. We do still have our own house to go home to at the end of the day. He DOES know that someday when it's necessary, when only one parent is left, they will live with us. It's kind of been understood from day one. He is a pretty good Husband/Dad/Son-in-law I guess. I'll keep him

I guess you would just have to do some thinking and reassesing. I would think he could be a little more understanding and compassionate. Maybe there's a middle ground. Three months isn't that long, you'd think he could be patient. Good luck with what you decide. Remember, you do only have one MOM.

---mmmcoffee

Lisa_P · 06-06-2007, 10:05 AM

Talked with my brother and mom this morning. They say they'll manage without me, but I am NOT going to tell my guy that because I have come to the conclusion that it's just not right for me NOT to go help for the month, two, three tops...

My brother says I should just leave. Take my stuff and write a letter. Mom says a letter might have to do it even though it's not what *I* think is right because of how he's reacted in the past.

So. Now it is no longer an issue about being a caregiver, it's about my personal relationship with my "husband." He is the one making this really normal expectation of my family's into a huge issue, so he'll have to decide what's more important, right? Are we "over" or will he want me back after I've done my thing (my DUTY) with Mom?