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Old 07-18-2007, 03:33 PM   #1
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tugguy HB User
how do I tell parent, time for nursing home?

My father in law has lived with my wife and I for the last 6 years, as we have cared for him during his fight with liver disease. We are at the point now where it would be better, and safer for him in a nursing home because he does need 24 hour care, and with both of us working, it's impossible to do it alone any more.
We've contacted dept of aging and have done all the paperwork, almost have a home picked out, but I know he is going to hate the idea. Any advice on how to handle this next step?
Thanks..

 
Old 07-18-2007, 09:36 PM   #2
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mmmcoffee HB User
Re: how do I tell parent, time for nursing home?



Tug--

I feel for you. I can't even imagine what you're going through. How old is your father in law? How do you think he'll take the news? Does he realize he needs more help than you can give? Neither of my parents are to that point yet. 20 yrs ago (when my grandfather died) I promised my Mom I would never put her in a nursing home....(She is an only child, her Dad died in a nursing home, she wasn't there, guilty feelings...long story). But, I was young then....didn't know how things would change. When the time comes for Mom to need more care, I will do all I can, but I realize there may come a point where I can't do it anymore. I don't even know what I would say to her.

Is the facility you have in mind close to your house? Frequent visits will help, I'm sure. Have you tried to explain to him how it would be better for him to be there instead of at your house, with you and your wife both working? It would be safer for him to not be alone and in such a facility. Maybe you could all go to see it and maybe it would help him understand the positive aspects of moving there. I'm sure I'm not much help on what to say. I'm not sure I would know what to say either.

Oh, and thanks for mentioning trying meditation. I did give it a try for 2 1/2 hrs, but here it is 12:30 and I'm still up. I would relax and think I was doing well, then boing! there go the eyes. Couldn't stay closed. I had to get out of bed because hubby has to get up at 4 to leave for work. Didn't want to keep him up.

Good luck with your father in law. Let me know how it goes. You and your wife have done more taking care of him than many others would do. Everyone on this message board is great. But I have talked to other people and know some people who think I'm crazy for doing what I do. I couldn't imagine not doing things for my parents. They did so much for me over the years, now it's time to pay them back what I can. I'm sure he will understand about it.

Good luck and God Bless


---mmmcoffee

 
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Old 07-19-2007, 08:08 AM   #3
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tugguy HB User
Re: how do I tell parent, time for nursing home?

thanks so much for your reply. My father in law is 74....going on 94, liver disease because of alcohol abuse, it is finally catching up to him. He hasn't had a drink in6 yrs, since he moved in, but the damage was done.
We felt the same way as you, we wanted to care for him ourselves for as long as we could, but things are getting more then we can handle at this point, thats why the nursing home. For example, today we had to figure out where all the blood came from that was on his bedroom rug, turns out he tried picking up his cat, got scratched, bleeding, and doesn't say anything to us. When we ask him what happened, he doesn't remember or is vague. Anyway, thats where we are.

As for meditating, I do it for only 10 - 15 minutes a day, twice a day, just enough tp calm my thoughts a bit. This morning I got up at 5 am, with my dog, couldn't get back to sleep, so I went out on my deck, the sun starting to come up, it was very peaceful. I did some yoga then sat quietly for about 15 minutes, concentrating on my breathing. It was a wonderful way to start the day.

Good luck to you and your sleeping problems, I wish you the best, and thanks again
Mark

 
Old 07-25-2007, 12:16 PM   #4
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liz49 HB Userliz49 HB Userliz49 HB Userliz49 HB Userliz49 HB User
Re: how do I tell parent, time for nursing home?

Tug--
I feel for you--we did not have my dad in law living with us, rather I was driving to his place 3, sometimes 4 times a day to attend to his needs because he WOULD NOT go into a care facillity (other than the hospital when he would get so sick he had no choice). It was brutal. He finally did get to the point where the doc told us (not him at first) that he was simply incapable of living alone and what were our options? Of course my hubby's first choice was that he come home to our house--but at this point he was actively dying (Leukemia, pneumonia)..I said no, and my hubby was furious, but I could not put my kids though that--what I had to do for him in the pirvacy of his own home was hard enough on me I was not going to expose my kids to it at home--plus he insisted on still be taken to his favorite coffee shop daily for several hours....anyhow, I digress--the doc said "No, he cannot go home, he has to go to A home, a facility-you need to decide which one." Having the dr make the call and be, essentially "the bad guy" in this situation, made dad angry at someone NOT family.
Can you facilitate something like this? Having someone like the doctor telling him it's time to move into assisted living? Letting them be the bad guy, so to speak? Your story is so like ours, it's amazing, but then I suppose a lot of people find themselves like this...suddenly a parent who was ok to have living w/ them becomes just impossible to have there--my FIL was falling all the time and refused to believe it was happening despite several trips to the ER to stitch him up and copious amount of blood on walls, floor, etc.
Actually, once the doc told him he could not return home to live alone, he passed very peacefully in 2 days. Doc was right, he WAS way too ill to live alone.
DO see if his doc will make the "suggestion" that a facility can care for him better--and also provide a lot more social life too--maybe he'd find that appealing, tho he sounds pretty sick--
All the best-
Liz

 
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