It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Caregivers Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 08-27-2007, 04:48 PM   #1
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1
mustangsrock HB User
whipped, worn out and worried

I am new to this board and I hope my venting wont turn to many people off but I am at my wits end here~

In April this year my dad had a heart attack, his second one...after 12 days in the hospital he was sent home...mind you that entire time I was there with him and only made the 70 mile round trip home every third day for clean clothes...I got him home and had to move out to his house to care for him.....then 3 days later he was back in the hospital with a gall bladder attack he was there for 7 days then back home again on oxygen and hardly able to walk I had to get him up 5 steps and into the house ALONE because my sister had to go buy rabbit food~......needless to say he almost fell and was depleted of oxygen that it took a good 20 minutes for him to stablize. So he was home for 13 days then back in the hospital for CHF which nearly killed him, that was another week in hospital then home again, then another gallbladder attack after being home 2 whole weeks, back to hospital for 15 days where the docs attempted to remove the gallbladder but couldnt so they placed a drain and sent us home.....this time we came to my house....my sisters were supposed to help me care for my dad...HAHA we all know what a joke that is~

SO after 6 weeks of being here in my home he was no longer able to support his weight on his good knee.....the bad knee was injured thirty years ago...so I called his doc and he told me he didnt have time to deal with it to send him to ER the next day...HELLO my dad cant stand up, we need to do something

Long story short, he was sent to a rehab nursing home where they are trying to get his knee fixed with injections and therapy....last tuesday he had gallbladder surgery....the freakin doc came in the day after surgery and said oh by the way we didnt get it all out, we are gonna have to try and do another procedure once you get over this one~!!!!!!

So it was another 3 days and nights at the hospital for me, then back to the rehab/nursing home. I go everyday to see my dad, and I stay for six to ten hours with him, I take him his favorite foods, fruit, diet soda, do his laundry and since last week I am now his POA and Patient Advocate. I am sick of this mess!!!!! WHY is it all left up to me? WHY dont my siblings even go to visit him MUCHLESS help with his care!!!

I hate the thought of dad having to stay in the "home" but I cant take cre of him by myself anymore IF he cant at least manage to stand up by himself. LOL, I know this is LONG and I know I am tense but it guess maybe getting it out will help.

Thanks to all who take the time to offer suggestions or just say hang in there!~

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 08-28-2007, 04:26 AM   #2
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: NYC, USA
Posts: 296
seeiay HB User
Re: whipped, worn out and worried

Hi, I'm sorry that I don't have any advice or suggestions as far as what to do about your dad, but I do have some to say about your struggle. First, I admire that you have stepped up and taken such good care of your dad. It must be so difficult to see him so sick. Second, I admire even more that you have continued to care for him even without help from your siblings. I can't imagine how heavy your responsibilities must seem. I'm so sorry that you are going through this on your own, but I'm glad you shared your frustrations here. I know from experience that sometimes you just have to let all your feelings spill out to feel better. You seem like a very strong and compassionate person. I am confident that you will find a way to help your dad and also keep your sanity. Hang on.

CIA

 
Old 08-29-2007, 04:08 PM   #3
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: slc, utah
Posts: 502
liz49 HB Userliz49 HB Userliz49 HB Userliz49 HB Userliz49 HB User
Re: whipped, worn out and worried

Wow, I do feele your pain. I don;t know why some family members seem to conveneinetly disappear when the going gets tough--but that's the way it has always been, and it doesn't sound like you are surprised but it.
I don't mena to sound cruel but while he's in the rehab facility you can take some time for yourself..you do not need to be there 10 hours a day, trust me you are paying a lot for the care he gets there. Maybe just run over in the am and if you have to, once again in the evening of late afternoon. Also I;d call the other sisters and give them the options of visitng him--suggest that they take an evening here or there. As long as they see you are doing it all, they are going to just let you. It's hard to toughen up, I know.
My hubby had a liver transplant a year ago--recovery was ok, but still bad, 5 motnhs later we find out his Hepc has retuirned with a vengeance and now he's on INterferon, which is a horrible drug that makes him very, very sick. He is grouchy, mean and snaps at me for no reason. So I've been living with a crabby, ill tempered guy for almost 2 years now and 40 weeks left to go on the treatment, minimum. Vent away, you can't be any crankier than I feel!! If I could dump some of this anger and caregiving on anybody I would--you can, so do it!! You will totally lose yourself and your sanity--it;s not worth it and your dad wouldn't want you to do it either.
Take care of you!!
Liz

 
Old 10-12-2007, 11:51 PM   #4
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: California
Posts: 4
tired76 HB User
Re: whipped, worn out and worried

I am new to this board and seeing the words "whipped and worn out" caught my attention. I was caregiver to my Dad, then both Mom and Dad, and now just Mom since my Dad passed away. I love my parents more than anything in the world, but I am sooooooo tired! There is always something to do. The "list" gets longer. Holidays and weekends are just another day.

My parents never wanted me to be in a caregiver role. They have always understood what it involved. But I feel guilty when I have my moments of not wanting to do it anymore. It's been about 7 years now since all this began. I know that my parents would have crawled on their hands and knees to take care of me if it was the other way around.

The dishes go unwashed more days than I would like. Yeah, I know that things "can" go undone without the dish and cleaning police showing up.
There are bills to pay, meals to prepare, medical supplies to replenish; I feel like a pack horse. There was a time when I loved to go shopping; now it is a chore. If I make time for myself, I'm too tired to do anything.
I was going to paint my bedroom. The paint is still unopened, two years later.

I'm 56 and feel 86. I hire a prof caregiver to care for Mom when I am at work. That's my respite; someone to take over when I am at my "other" job.

There are so many people who don't have a clue. Not a clue. There's going to be a whole lot of people finding out though....when their time comes to be caregiver.

 
Old 12-18-2007, 12:51 PM   #5
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 3,597
Jennita HB User
Re: whipped, worn out and worried

Mustang, you are doing something very nice. But dont feel you have to do it all, yes, visit but not for so long!

Do not try to take care of him yourself, either. Make the rehabs keep him as long as it takes for him to walk, you don't want to put out your back lifting him. If siblings cannot help and dad has any assets, use them for in home care. Watch how fast, when their inheritance is at stake, they come running to help.

 
Old 12-19-2007, 08:53 AM   #6
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Sonoma, CA USA
Posts: 295
TopamaxKillsMe HB User
Re: whipped, worn out and worried

Tired76, I feel your pain. I gave up my life, career, relationship to move cross country to take care of my mother because my two siblings who live in the same city as she does didn't want to lift a finger to help.

Sometimes I just wanna get in my car and drive outta here, but I just can't do it to my mom. Even if I won the lotto, I still would take her with me wherever I chose to go.

 
Old 12-19-2007, 12:20 PM   #7
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 401
JulJul22 HB User
Re: whipped, worn out and worried

I understand all too well what you are going through and I’m so sorry. You have so much love in your heart and it’s hard to comprehend how family members can just shrug their shoulders and not care. I am a 22 year old single mother who has been caring for my grandmother for 3 years. She suffers from Alzheimer’s and I recently had to put her into a nursing home because she could no longer remember who I was. This made it very difficult to bathe, feed and care for her. Take it mind that I weight 85 pounds and am very lucky not to have hurt either on of us during the process.

You need to take a break for your own sanity. You can still visit him but take time for yourself too. I visit my gramie 3-4 days a week. She sometimes recognizes my face but her birthday was on the 9th and I threw her a party. She didn’t know who I was and in turn yelled at me to get away from her as I was wheeling her to her surprise. BUT, no matter what difficulties you face with caring for a loved one, just know that you are doing a spectacular thing. Your father, I’m sure, will always be grateful for all that you do from the goodness of your heart. I’m still puzzled at the fact that I pretty much had to beg my brothers and sister to come to her b-day party. It’s heartbreaking.

 
Old 12-25-2007, 09:54 AM   #8
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 233
wildflowers HB User
Re: whipped, worn out and worried

Hi everyone My own personal belief is that there always seems to be just one child, or person in a family that steps up to the plate and does what is right for there loved one. I have been the designated # 1 caregiver in my family. I have no more extra time to give then my siblings. I have tryed to perfect a way to take care of my loved ones that was good for both of us. It was a mixture of good ole' common sense, tough love and time for myself. I found when my loved one totally depended on me for there care, they would not let anyone else into there life that would or could help them. I spoiled them through co-dependency and enabling, I learned real quick that just because they were ill, they still needed positive direction and care from someone other then myself. My heart saddened when I heard one of the posts mention that even though the dad was in a rehab facility she still did the work instead of taking time for herself, I have been there, done that myself. That is when I learned there is a difference between caregiving and co-dependency and enabling. Many times folks will be glad to let you do it all, family members, rehab centers, hospitals, nursing homes, etc. in fact they are told to let the family do it. If you work out of common sense instead of guilt, what happens is a healthy decision for yourself and the one you take care of. Being a caregiver can be a thankless job, we do not do it for praise or attention, we generally are placed in a situation where there seems to be no alternative. We can take charge of our life, but............we do have to hand over some of the responsibility. There are many other options for help, do research, if something should happen to you ( there are statistics out there that the patients generally outlive there caregivers) please know your loved one would be taken care of in spite of what we believe, if perchance we would no longer be able to do it. Blessings to all of you out there that continue to take care of those you love and God grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, the wisdom to know the difference. The serenity prayer has gotten me through alot of tough times. Wildflowers

 
Old 12-25-2007, 04:45 PM   #9
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: SOUTH AFRI
Posts: 20
Daisy07 HB User
Re: whipped, worn out and worried

I know how you feel! I've been caring for my elderly parents now going on ten years. During that time I can say Ive had not one holiday of my own, spent one weekend to myself. My life completely revolved around caring for them, and when not there, worrying about them. I also had to sort out their money (they had none) and became broke myself! I left a job to start my own business in order to get richer to get a caregiver!! which did not work.

I want to share this with you as its really important, I wish someone had said this to me!

I think the idea that your siblings might help is probably a waste of time. You see its really about you, and your feelings and "you" are the person that has the nature of being helpful. It has been proven that in most families, only one child will raise to the occassion.

I know you feel overwhelmed but you are already just doing it, so actions speak louder than words. But caregiving is peppered with loads of emotions, pain, frustration, resentment, anger, as well as joy, love and care. We also say a lot "if only.." if only we had more money, more help more time. This was my favourite sentence each day.

my dad died six days ago. I live in south africa and there are no caregiver organisations, so I learned a lot from reading and being on USA sites.

towards the end my dad was in hospital about 5 times all serious issues. Not to mention my mom had had brain surgery 10 years ago rendering her to be a little girl. He missed her terribly and I always felt he needed me to take her place. I was resentful of this too.

someone wrote here about codependancy and this is the enemy of the caregiver. As you stay there so long in the hope that you dont feel guilty for going home afterwards? If you went home earlier youd think "Oh gosh is he ok, am I a bad person, did I go too soon etc.,?"

I have realised one major thing and probably will realise more as time goes by. That if I hadnt done this to myself, I would have been a better caregiver and a better daughter all round if I didnt feel so drained when I was with him or at home. Which made me washed out when I saw him.

I suggest that you decide now to get into a routine, of how many hours you can spend with him, so his expectation is falling within this range. When you are not with him, forget about him totally (I know the hardest thing ever, but remember you will be a better caregiver for it). Make time for friends with humour and friends if possible in a similar postion. Laugh about it. Its healthy. Leave dad a letter when you go reminding him he is loved and that you look forward to seeing him soon.

when you do go home relax, do good things for you.

accept the fact that you are a nurturing person, but this has its pitfalls. But accepting it, it makes you stronger.

I wish I had done all of this before, before dad died the other day and I was too worn out to be there after Sunday. I saw him on Sunday he died on wednesday. God bless you for your kindness to him.
__________________
Thank you for being here! I hope you have a fantastic day <3
~Daisy~

Last edited by Daisy07; 12-25-2007 at 04:48 PM. Reason: replied to wrong nick

 
Old 12-25-2007, 04:54 PM   #10
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: SOUTH AFRI
Posts: 20
Daisy07 HB User
Re: whipped, worn out and worried

Quote:
Originally Posted by wildflowers View Post
Hi everyone My own personal belief is that there always seems to be just one child, or person in a family that steps up to the plate and does what is right for there loved one. I have been the designated # 1 caregiver in my family. I have no more extra time to give then my siblings. I have tryed to perfect a way to take care of my loved ones that was good for both of us. It was a mixture of good ole' common sense, tough love and time for myself. I found when my loved one totally depended on me for there care, they would not let anyone else into there life that would or could help them. I spoiled them through co-dependency and enabling, I learned real quick that just because they were ill, they still needed positive direction and care from someone other then myself. My heart saddened when I heard one of the posts mention that even though the dad was in a rehab facility she still did the work instead of taking time for herself, I have been there, done that myself. That is when I learned there is a difference between caregiving and co-dependency and enabling. Many times folks will be glad to let you do it all, family members, rehab centers, hospitals, nursing homes, etc. in fact they are told to let the family do it. If you work out of common sense instead of guilt, what happens is a healthy decision for yourself and the one you take care of. Being a caregiver can be a thankless job, we do not do it for praise or attention, we generally are placed in a situation where there seems to be no alternative. We can take charge of our life, but............we do have to hand over some of the responsibility. There are many other options for help, do research, if something should happen to you ( there are statistics out there that the patients generally outlive there caregivers) please know your loved one would be taken care of in spite of what we believe, if perchance we would no longer be able to do it. Blessings to all of you out there that continue to take care of those you love and God grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, the wisdom to know the difference. The serenity prayer has gotten me through alot of tough times. Wildflowers
hi wildflowers, I so loved your post. Have you noticed too, that these homes, etc., always are so quick to point a finger at you and say, you're not good enough you didnt do enough etc.,?? yet the people who never arrive to do anything dont have to put up with this!!!!

that in itself says a lot. If you are being moaned at for being a useless caregiver its more likely you are the best!!!

people will always try to shift responsibility to those who'll take it.

thanks for that

my dad has gone now, he died on wednesday and tomorrow he is being creamated, which Im finding hard, I spent a fair amount of time with him, once he had passed. So feel so sad Ill never see him again.

All this caregiving frustration despair etc., was all worth it, as I knew I did teh best I could, I could have done better if I hadnt been so codependant
__________________
Thank you for being here! I hope you have a fantastic day <3
~Daisy~

 
Old 12-25-2007, 06:07 PM   #11
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 233
wildflowers HB User
Re: whipped, worn out and worried

Hi Daisy this is wildflowers, In my heart I knew when my mom died that I had done everything possible I could have done for her, still don't be dismayed that one of the things a caregiver seems to have to deal with is the overwhelming guilt of the loss of there loved one. Somehow we think we need to feel guilty after the fact, did I do this or that, shoulda, coulda, woulda done something better. Please know Daisy you were a good daughter, you have to let go now and stop beating yourself up, you are just processing grief right now, it is very normal to feel the way you are. Remember "this too will pass" you will get all the strength you need from a very safe place "yourself." Stay out of your head Daisy, try to stop worrying and feeling anxiety, stay in your heart and rely on the goodness of a special gift you were to your dad. There isn't really any right answer to things of the heart, when you are a heartfelt person you will suffer the emotions and pain of caring for those we love, that is precisely why some of our folks will not go there. They are frightened people afraid to extend themselves in a way that makes them vulnerable to emotional pain. Daisy we both know we are not those folks, we care deeply and have the gift of empathy for others. Dry your tears Daisy, and for all it's worth I give you permission to grieve but do not beat yourself up for something you could not control. The serenity prayer gives us the answer. We need the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, and mostly courage to change the things we can, however, the big difference is to have the widom to know the difference. I will keep you in my heart and prayers. Blessings Wildflowers

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Whipped Topping Victory12 Diet & Nutrition 2 06-30-2008 01:46 PM
Totally worn out, and worn down Rhoda55 Caregivers 6 03-26-2008 11:19 AM
whipped cream oral KT670 Sexual Health - General 6 03-09-2007 05:41 AM
worn meniscus gmanson171 Knee & Hip Problems 3 07-12-2006 06:21 AM
2 Worn Teeth (cant hardly eat) labyrinth Dental Health 1 05-07-2006 07:38 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Phoenix (5), ibake&pray (3), Sandy Caregiver (2), Titchou (2), Seraph (2), Sarahbells (1), Agenda (1), gingergirl2 (1), Harry (1), tamiloo (1)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1164), MSJayhawk (997), Apollo123 (898), Titchou (832), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (758), ladybud (745), sammy64 (666), midwest1 (665), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:04 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com
Terms of Use 1998-2014 HealthBoards.com All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!