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Old 11-07-2007, 01:46 AM   #1
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Anne75 HB User
Unhappy How do you cope when your parent has depression?

Hi,

I'm new to all this! Suffice to say, I have lived most of my life with a depressed mother, I have explored every possible emotion in relation to this situation and the thing I find hardest is my isolation. My mother has lots of professional support and there is always someone running around for her (up until a few months ago usually me!), but who helps the caregivers? Where do you go to stop it from taking your life over? If anyone else on here is in a similar situation it would be great to hear your story/coping strategies?

 
Old 11-07-2007, 02:57 AM   #2
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Re: How do you cope when your parent has depression?

A couple of questions. How old are you? Are you your mother's carer? Do you have a life of your own? It sounds as if you are isolating yourself, there is no reason why you should have to stay home and not have a life. Or is there?

 
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Old 11-07-2007, 02:12 PM   #3
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Unhappy Re: How do you cope when your parent has depression?

Hi Seraph,

Thanks for the prompt response! I am 29, closely reaching 30! Married, now living in NZ, Mum lives alone in England (how guilty do I feel!!), I have a sister who isn't close to her at all so most of the responsibility and support falls to me - very difficult! I have tried not to let it stop me from doing anything but it doesn't stop me from feeling terribly guilty as the "right thing" to do would presumably be to be at her beck and call and welcome her into my home with open arms - but what would that do to me and my relationships? I just feel guilty, resentful, confused, sometimes angry, it never goes away, I have times when it isn't such a strain but it's always in my mind, I just can't get away from it (should I even be wanting to??). Sorry I'm rambling, hopefully you get the picture - it's hard!

 
Old 11-08-2007, 11:11 PM   #4
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Thumbs up Re: How do you cope when your parent has depression?

Oh my, thx for your reply, ya know, this is so sad, its killing me, we dont talk much and she goes in the room all time that im home, i tried to tell her this is not going to help the situation get any better, and i dont want here to go in there and not be confortable in my house, .. but, as her mind thinks, she is just making herself belive that everyonels is the crazy one,(full blown denial).. Im sorry to hear this about your mom, this sickness i just simply the worst thing i know, because , if you leave this earth with a worring mind , full of negitive thoughts and stress worry about the past, has to be the worst fate in life ever!..
Ever since she moved in , my focus on not smoking , and the strong focus i had in this program, failed miserably.. as soon as we had 1st fight i felt no choice but to smoke , and lost my touch.. i have agnger at myself letting her get to me to the point i couldnt stay doing what i know will help.. but i have the program in front of me and a desire very strong to get right in it and get it done, the program makes total sence. and is very important to my future. and ironicly hers too, because this program talks not just to me and not just to the people with these issue's but everyone young and old, and teaches the way to act around these type of people and how to cope, i just didnt get far enough into it to get it wrapped in my mind, b4 she went off the wall.. but i feel strong from it and i know will get bac into it very shortly... her is the #, they can send a free disk, that is a excelent eye opener ### 1800-944-9460 customer serv and ##1800-944-9428, ask for the disk(free)

 
Old 01-20-2008, 01:39 PM   #5
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Re: How do you cope when your parent has depression?

I am surprised this thread is so short.... Sorry if my post is long read bold for short
Well I am particularly interested in finding care in NJ.
In the beginning I coped really well but recently I haven't coped and went a bit through depression myself. Ultimately I want to prevent depression from reoccuring. I can no longer multi-task like I did. I need my own life too.
My siblings, relatives and I have a bit of resent we try to hide... but patience is wearing. We feel taken advantage of. We sometimmes pay bills while she spends her money on $ store binges and vacations leaving her 13 yr daughter behind. We've expressed this and she has been corporative so it shouldn't be an issue but I don't want to take that chance.
goals
Find a program that would check up on her. -or-
At home nurse. -and- save my sanity


obstacles
1.Can I afford a nurse? Can a weekly program or nurse keep her cleansly (sp)? She goes to a program now M-TH but still has some issues.
She doesn't take care of herself or the house w/o nagging. I don't want the house or her to reach that complete foul condition.I'd like to think she can take care of herself but you have to follow up with her!

2. She eats A LOT. What if she gets a heart attack? Checking up on her may not be enough. I took her to the gym a couple of times but she QUIT. I would still feel guilty.
Proposition
Move out. Stay sane. Take custody of my younger sister.
What would need to happen? suggestions or programs?
I don't cope at all but I hope that these new suggestions may help me to cope. Please help

 
Old 01-21-2008, 04:03 AM   #6
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Re: How do you cope when your parent has depression?

Anne - I speak as a mother who has suffered twice with depression. Never, ever would I or have I put my child in the position where I would expect my child to look after me. And niether would I expect them to NOT live their life as they please, abroad as it is in your case. Have you only recently moved abroad? I'm wondering if that is why your feelings are so conflicting. As you said, your mum is getting profession help. Maybe it is time to get a little help for yourself. There are alot of issues here and you seem to be shouldering the blame for all of it and that should not be the case. Are you living alone out there? Do you have anyone to talk these problems though with? The worse thing you can do is let all your emotions continue swishing around your head.......it will make you believe you're going crazy!

 
Old 01-27-2008, 08:29 PM   #7
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Thumbs up Re: How do you cope when your parent has depression?

Hi there, I've just joined to find support on how to deal with my depressed MIL. My Husband is the son who takes care of her and races to her aid. In my opinion she uses and abuses him and he takes it. He feels it's his 'duty as the eldest son' to help her. She is real hard work and comes across as being mighty selfish, rude and thoughtless. I know some of it is depression but I believe a lot of it is just her. She admits she isn't a nice person and it's so hard to have to live with taking care of her needs.

Most of his family is depressed in some kind of way, and it's a rather debilitating when my family live so far away we can't see them to get some 'normality' into our lives. When I visit my family I come back sooooooooo refreshed it makes me wonder why I'm here.

Anyway, I just wanted to show you my husband (and me by default) are the primary carers for my MIL and it's mighty hard work. Hang in there as we will. Take care too and hope you get some of your life back one day.

 
Old 01-28-2008, 07:37 AM   #8
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Re: How do you cope when your parent has depression?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne75 View Post
it doesn't stop me from feeling terribly guilty as the "right thing" to do would presumably be to be at her beck and call and welcome her into my home with open arms

I just feel guilty, resentful, confused, sometimes angry, it never goes away
Your mother is an adult, why do you feel so responsible for her?

 
Old 02-03-2008, 10:15 PM   #9
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Re: How do you cope when your parent has depression?

Isolation is an issue.
I spent a good amount of my life taking care of her that when I was no longer needed I felt insignificant and felt the need to boost about the other times I took care of her. Low I know. I think eventually you'll cope with not being needed anymore. You'll find more time to take care of yourself. That is when you'll experience the most growth. I know I did. It is hard but in the end I love myself and not just value myself in terms of how well I care for my mom. The most beautiful part is seeing her finally take care of herself. It didn't happen overnight but it was well worth the wait!

 
Old 02-06-2008, 08:14 AM   #10
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kim840 HB User
Re: How do you cope when your parent has depression?

Hi Anne,

Boy, we live a world apart. Isn't the web wonderful!

I would ask that you read my post "help for spouses" so that you can know a little about my situation.

Living with someone with depression is unbelieveably hard. For one thing, it is not like any other illness. When you are dealing with an illness of the mind there are so many variables and slippery slopes. Each day is a challenge, not knowing what it will bring. A good day or a a really bad day. Also, it is not terminal in that like some other illnesses, it is going to go on for as long as the person lives. You are in it for the very long haul.

Therefore, as much as you can, suggest that she receive the proper medical care, drug regime, therapy. Even with all of these things their lives are never normal, but they can function better.

There is no easy answer to living with this. I've been doing it for 27 years. Be sure you do not become depressed. Watch yourself and get treatment if you need it. Get out as much as you can, live your own life. Try to keep a slight distance so that you can focus and not get lost in their reality. This is a daily challenge for me. One I need support with as well.

I am a Christian so my life in Christ is a huge part of my ability to survive and the survival of our marriage. I pray, pray, pray.

You're NOT ALONE, do not isolate yourself. That is one of the foibles of depression. It is good that you came here. This is a safe place to vent, so use this forum whenever you like.
__________________
Always Hopeful!

Marcia

 
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