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Old 01-01-2008, 10:54 AM   #1
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ginab812 HB User
feel all alone..need help don't know where to start

Hello All..

My Mom Has Lung Cancer & Pancreatic Cancer That Has Gone Into The Bones...spent All Of November Going To Radiation Every Day And Chemo Once A Week...mom Went From Walker To Wheelchair To Not Getting Out Of Bed At All...had To Have A Stomach Tube Put In Because She Couldn't Eat...radiation Burnt Up Lining In Throat..took Care Of Her In Her Home Until 9 Days Ago..had To Call 911 Now Hospital Is Done Cause New Year Insurance Won't Pay...sending Us Home..well I Can't Take Care Of Her Anymore...can't Lift Her To Clean Her..she Just Had A B-day And Is 58yrs Old...nursing Home Is Our Option..gee Getting Some Flak From Others "i Couldn't Put My Mom In A Nursing Home" Well If You Can't Lift Her To Clean Her Up When She Has Gone To The Bathroom...are You Going To Let Her Lay In It Or Would You Rather Have Someone That Is Capable Of Doing It With Help?? Hard Decision For Me To Make...tomorrow Is My B-day And We Are Moving To The Nursing Home...gee...i Feel Sooooo Bad... Went Downhill Fast And I Don't Know What To Do...how To Do It...

 
Old 01-01-2008, 05:14 PM   #2
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Re: feel all alone..need help don't know where to start

hi ginab812,

wow, that's an awful lot to deal with so quickly and it must be even more difficult with the holidays, new year, and both of your birthdays happening during all of this. although i can't offer any direct advice, i just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. a few years ago, i had graduated from college and moved to a big city on my own. luckily, my partner ended up joining me 45 min away in a neighboring city. i was so happy!!! and just when we each started settling in to our own apartments and first jobs, my partner started complaining of headaches. within a week, she was in a hospital unaware of who she was, who the president was, or what year it was. a cat scan revealed numerous advanced brain lesions and a team of doctors were working night and day to preserve her brain. she thought she was going to die. i thought she might too. or at least endure so much brain damage that she would never be able to return to even part of her daily life up until then. i felt completely alone, spending my days at work and nights in the hospital. it was a terrible and isolating experience. i reached out to some family by phone, but that was the extent of my support. i wasn't a direct caregiver at the time because my partner was hospitalized, however i did assist briefly at points and it took everything in me to remain strong and not crumble to the despair i felt. medication for my partner was through the roof and she hadn't opted for prescription drug assistance when she started her first job b/c she was so healthy. appeals needed to be filed to the drug companies. some doctors were not aggressive enough, so second and third opinions were sought out. it was a very emotionally and physically draining time that i was sure i would never recover from. when my partner finally showed improvement and was released to family, she barely seemed to remember me. it was so hard, but thankfully things improved, more than i could have hoped for and we are still together years later. now, we live together and i play more of a caregiving role. the medication she was treated with early on doctors say prevented her from living the rest of her life in a nursing home. i am thankful. and, even though she still struggles with many symptoms and is not back 100% to the person she was before all of this, she is doing so much better.

it's difficult to go through what you and your mother are going through, but she is so lucky to have you by her side. i hope you have a support network of individuals who you can rely on for support. i joined a church in my area shortly after my partner become ill and was diagnosed with a chronic illness. it helped tremendously. it was such a welcoming and caring community (more spiritual than religious). in terms of more specific assistance, there may be a cancer society in your area (or even nationally) that can provide advice, caregiving support, medical referrals, etc. also, in our case, we've sought out assistance from drug companies, charitable foundations, etc. when we've struggled with medical costs.

i'm thinking about you and am here for you. take care and happy birthday!

 
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Old 01-03-2008, 06:54 AM   #3
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Sonoma, CA USA
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TopamaxKillsMe HB User
Re: feel all alone..need help don't know where to start

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Don't listen to the self-righteous "I wouldn't put my mom in a nursing home" morons. I suppose it's easy for them to make judgments when they're not living your life.

I take care of my mom but I know eventually I will have to put her in a nursing home. Her mind is debilatating w/ all the meds she's on. I see a noticeable decrease in her memory and her vision is terrible. I am doing the best I can but it's going to reach that point when it's not going to be enough. And the realism is that I dont' come from a functional family and I need to be self-sufficient, have a job, stability so that I don't end up homeless when my mother goes.

You are doing the right thing. Don't let guilt overwhelm you. I know how easy that is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ginab812 View Post
Hello All..

My Mom Has Lung Cancer & Pancreatic Cancer That Has Gone Into The Bones...spent All Of November Going To Radiation Every Day And Chemo Once A Week...mom Went From Walker To Wheelchair To Not Getting Out Of Bed At All...had To Have A Stomach Tube Put In Because She Couldn't Eat...radiation Burnt Up Lining In Throat..took Care Of Her In Her Home Until 9 Days Ago..had To Call 911 Now Hospital Is Done Cause New Year Insurance Won't Pay...sending Us Home..well I Can't Take Care Of Her Anymore...can't Lift Her To Clean Her..she Just Had A B-day And Is 58yrs Old...nursing Home Is Our Option..gee Getting Some Flak From Others "i Couldn't Put My Mom In A Nursing Home" Well If You Can't Lift Her To Clean Her Up When She Has Gone To The Bathroom...are You Going To Let Her Lay In It Or Would You Rather Have Someone That Is Capable Of Doing It With Help?? Hard Decision For Me To Make...tomorrow Is My B-day And We Are Moving To The Nursing Home...gee...i Feel Sooooo Bad... Went Downhill Fast And I Don't Know What To Do...how To Do It...

 
Old 01-13-2008, 01:11 PM   #4
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Re: feel all alone..need help don't know where to start

thanx so much for letting me know i was doing the right thing and not alone....at the last minute guilt did get the best of me.. and i brought my mother home....she only lived for 2 days...my dad was with me when this happened...i do have a brother who i begged to come see mom just for a few minutes so i could take a shower...a shower...3 days w/no shower....why couldn't he take a few minutes out of his busy day to let me take a shower...??? in the 2 months of the 24/7 care i gave my mother..i never saw my brother...mom passed away on the 6th of january...i've seen him 3 times!!! i don't have the time of day for him!!! he just wants to see what mom left him... i really don't know if she did or not...on her last day around midnight i had "bounty hunter's" banging on the door hunting for my brother...got rid of them 2 hrs later ...banging on the door...it's the sheriff from another county looking for my brother...he stays in soo much crap...drinking drugs always on the run....i can't stand to look at him.....here i am no job now...no mom...and soo much to settle with her estate...she also had a business that i need to shut down and sell............ahhh...i haven't cried and i'm tired of people asking me if i'm alright??? i will be when business is done...can't crack up now....

 
Old 01-14-2008, 04:42 PM   #5
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SherryAnne HB User
Re: feel all alone..need help don't know where to start

Hi Gina...I am very sorry for the loss of your mom. You are obviously a wonderful daughter and I am glad you and your dad where there with her. I understand what you were/are going through as I too have a similiar situation.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 
Old 02-25-2008, 04:29 AM   #6
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Tippylulu HB User
Re: feel all alone..need help don't know where to start

I'm fairly new to the boards and haven't had a chance to read them all, but Gina, take a deep breath, try to relax. My heart truly goes out to you. When I hear things like this, I'm glad I'm an only child. First of all, forget your brother. You have more important things to be concerned with. I sure wish you were in my area, you would of gotten some help. I'm one of those people who says "I'll never see my mom in a nursing home". After reading some of the experiences in here, I'm thinking..."who do I think I am"??? I hope I never have to do that. I guess I'm lucky because I've been a caregiver for alot of years, so I have the experience to help me. But, thinking back to when I first started, I almost quit! Please let us know how you are doing.

 
Old 02-25-2008, 06:18 PM   #7
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nerfmom HB User
Re: feel all alone..need help don't know where to start

My heart goes out to you. Right now, you need to take one day at a time. I had a similar experience when I lost my mother, but day by day, things got better.
The best advise that I can give you is to take one problem at a time. You can't possibly solve every thing at once.
Let your brother deal with his own life that he made for himself. You don't need to take on his situation along with your own.
I hope things are going better for you. You don't need to feel guilty about your mother, you took good care of her needs and you were a good daughter to her. You loved her and that is the most important thing of all. Much love to you.

 
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