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Old 02-04-2008, 05:45 PM   #1
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will not leave her bed or apartment

my daughter recently lost her job and about to lose her apt.She is crying most of the time and will not get out of bed.She called me crying and asked me to bring her money to buy cigs.I told her to come to my house,to eat and i will get her cigs.I am trying to get her to get up and out of the house.I don't know what to do.Until i get her to get up,i can't get her professional help.This has been going on for 21/2 weeks.My friend told me if i bring her food or cigs, I am enabling her.What should i do? She is to depressed to go look for another job at this time.Please tell me how i can help her.

 
Old 02-04-2008, 07:56 PM   #2
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Re: will not leave her bed or apartment

I agree that you must get her out of the house before anything else can be done. Keep at it. Don't take her stuff, make sure tho that she has access to food and water, etc. Can you go round there and persuade her to come with you? Will she be evicte? that will move her, surely. Be there to take her home.

 
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Old 02-05-2008, 12:19 AM   #3
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Re: will not leave her bed or apartment

It's very difficult for anyone who is not a professional to handle a severe depression, which seems to be this case. And in particular it is difficult for a parent to handle their child's depression. Children don't usually listen to their parents, you know. I am wondering if this is a recurrence or the first time she gets so depressed. This is a very long depression, for all I know. Losing a good job can make anyone depressed, but if she is good at what she does, she might find another position rather quickly, if she only tries to. Maybe there are other issues here? And yes, when one is depressed, they generally don't feel hungry. If I were you, I would try calling her best friend, if she has one. This friend will probably have more chances to succeed in getting your daughter to get up and convincing her she might need help from a specialist. I think it is important not to leave her alone most of the time. I don't mean someone else hanging around in the same room, but within reach.

And anyway I would bring her a few cigarettes, provided that she has an addiction, and also her favourite food (or maybe some soup, for she may be too weak to eat anything else), but again I would just remind her (not preaching though) of the greater evil of smoking on an empty stomach.

I hope her depression won't last and become chronic and she may find her way back again.

 
Old 02-08-2008, 06:05 PM   #4
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Re: will not leave her bed or apartment

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
I agree that you must get her out of the house before anything else can be done. Keep at it. Don't take her stuff, make sure tho that she has access to food and water, etc. Can you go round there and persuade her to come with you? Will she be evicte? that will move her, surely. Be there to take her home.
I took her to a crisis center a couple days ago.They gave her an ativan.It seemed to help her,but the very next day she was the same.They told her to follow up with counseling.She needs to get health assistance or she can"t go for counseling.I took her to my family dr. yesterday,and he put her on xanax,to help her sleep and also gave her prozac.I trid to take her to get medical assistance to-day,but she refused.She said she will go on monday.Now i am afraid,because she has the xanax.Yes she is goingto get evicted,And in a way i think she will be better off.Then she will have to live with somebody.I tell her it will get better when she gets better,but she screams at me to stop saying that.At times she gets angry.I dont know what else to do.Everyone is telling me not to bring her food or cigs,that will get her to get out and come to my house.I dont know what else to do.

 
Old 02-10-2008, 05:43 AM   #5
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Re: will not leave her bed or apartment

Hi Carol,

I'm not sure that not taking her any food or cigarettes will help her - I understand what your friends mean by 'forcing' her to go get food etc, but the problem with a mental health condition is that it is very disabling - if her legs were broken or she were bedridden from an operation or something then no-one would question you taking things to her. From your daughter's point of view, going grocery shopping at the moment is probably impossible, although it is obviously a huge strain on you and you must be really worried.

The fact that she has seen a doctor and is agreeing to counselling is, I think, a good sign - she's aware that she's not well and is willing to take advice and help regarding that - these are good things. From your point of view, i think being heavy handed about things will probably make the situation worse - often when you're depressed you feel like the world's against you anyway, so to have someone else having a go just confirms what you feel (personal experience talking here!!).

If it's at all possible, try to have a quiet, calm chat with your daughter. Tell her that you're a little worried about the fact that she's not getting out of bed and think it might help her a little if she did. Ask her if you can come to an arrangement where, when you come by with some food for her, whilst you're there she gets up, washes and changes her clothes/pyjamas. Try to get her to agree to sit by an open window if nothing else, so at least she gets some fresh air. Make it all very soft and non-confrontational - I know it's really hard but people with depression can be really sensitive and sometimes take things the wrong way, so try and make it sound like she'd be doing you a little favour rather than a kind of 'you must do this or I won't come back' - I don't think that kind of thing helps much. Ask her if there's anything you or anyone else can help her with on a day to day basis. There's a big difference between helping and enabling. She is ill, and she does need help, so I don't think that giving her food is a bad thing to do. Are you wanting her to stay with you? I wasn't sure from your post if you want her to live with you or just come to visit? When does she have to be out of her home, and does she have anywhere else to go yet? Just thinking if that kind of thing is organised it's one less thing to worry about.

With regards to her screaming and getting angry with you, whilst that is very common in people with depression (especially with close family and people they know well) it isn't acceptable and you shouldn't have to put up with it. Again, I'd suggest that, very calmly, you explain you know she's ill and you're happy to help out but that you find her yelling/screaming/whatever it is upsetting and you would rather she didn't do that - reiterate that you want to help her but make it clear that you don't find that acceptable and that if she's upset with you you'd like her to try and talk calmly and tell you what's wrong.

You sound lovely - you obviously want to do what's right by her and she's really lucky to have you. Depression's a really hard illness to deal with, but there's a good depression board on this website - she might find that useful herself for tips on how to help herself. It can take a long time to get better, and I think it's best not to push, especially in the early stages. As she's only just started on the meds it will take a while for them to do much and there can be side effects as well (she might feel completely exhausted and really not be able to get out of bed too much).

Are there any other people who can help out at all, or at least help you a bit so you aren't doing all your own stuff and looking after her as well. Try not to expect too much too quickly - it's a long path and it might take her a long time to get back on track, but if you can try and encourage her to help herself a little that will help.

Hope you're okay.

 
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