Daughter, 42, Won't Work, Lives off Others-and Keeps Moving
My daughter, 42, has a son, 10. We're 65. For the past 2 years she has been "crashing with" various people. Thus, her son was enrolled in several schools. He is a gifted student. His father disappeared; he's very unhappy about this.
After she wore out her welcome with a woman, 65, she once again took up with a 79 year old weathly man 1/2 an hour from us. We kept her son since October; he said he was very bored here. So the son moved out and moved in with his mother and this old man who told me, "she uses me because I let her." He's always buying her things and taking them out to eat. His house is a dream. He said he has a rule: she has got to stop calling her ex boyfriend.
She says ok then talks to her ex all night long. Then she naps during the day.
When this man gets his phone bill I assume he'll see the 30+ calls to her ex on his bill and kick her out as he did 2 yrs ago. She is attractive but homeless and very lazy and obsessed with her ex. She cannot come here. I think she has borderline disorder and other disorders, she lies and snoops, reads my emails, rifles thru our cars, can't sit still. We do have the option of moving 1,000 miles away Just to get away from her. Should we move? She ruined my first marriage; why my new H stays is a miracle. She yells at him, has depression problems, her ex encourages her but Never sees her. I think he's enjoying the attention. Am I to understand that each time she gets booted from someone's house we are to go get her son again? Or should SHE be taking HIM with her?? I hate my life. Help!!
Re: Daughter, 42, Won't Work, Lives off Others-and Keeps Moving
Hello SG,
With all due respect, your daughter is beyond reproach and the mere fact that someone would knowingly be used; anyway.
Your daughter is only concerned with what she can get from an individual but you know what they say about kharma.
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My concern lies with her gifted son. He does not deserve this type of life and should be afforded all the necessary benefits due him.
A child wants to feel cared for comfortably and safe.
If he posesses the intellect you say he does, this could be a cry for help. He could simply be saying that "mom is not providing me with what I need, can you please help me?"(my opinion)
The only thing that he can possibly learn out of her mother's situations is how to use another individual.
In this case, you do want the apple to fall far from the tree.
Can you possibly take care of her child or is it a bit too much?
He needs stability in his life.
Children don't ask to be affected by their parents but nonetheless it leaves a lasting imprint; to what extent remains to be seen.
Re: Daughter, 42, Won't Work, Lives off Others-and Keeps Moving
Quote:
Originally Posted by Phoenix1
Hello SG,
With all due respect, your daughter is beyond reproach and the mere fact that someone would knowingly be used; anyway.
**I agree. She's beyond redemption and she crashes with the lonely and desperate people of the world. Plus, her obsession with her ex and the calls she continues to make to him. She acts angry at him like she wants to win "the game" of getting him back but it hasn't worked.**
Your daughter is only concerned with what she can get from an individual but you know what they say about kharma.
**This is so correct. She is always looking at a person , "what can I get from him/her?** Maybe this is common amongst the poverty stricken and the lonely; I don't know.**
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My concern lies with her gifted son. He does not deserve this type of life and should be afforded all the necessary benefits due him.
**Could you give a couple examples of benefits he's lacking? He's with his mother (he missed her), he's 20 min from his grandmother (me) but his mom happens to be single and poor but living like a queen. I kept him for all of second grade, too, and his aunt kept him for third grade. He is extremely lucky to have loving, caring family members with the means to take him in.**
A child wants to feel cared for comfortably and safe.
**I agree. Last October I asked him what he liked being with us and he said he felt safe. So we kept him for six months.**
If he posesses the intellect you say he does, this could be a cry for help. He could simply be saying that "mom is not providing me with what I need, can you please help me?"(my opinion)
**What exactly could be a cry for help? I called him last night as usual. He said he's fine there, that they don't fight and he loves riding the man's tractor. This isn't to say any of us feel it'll be permanent. It never is. I told him I love him and he KNOWS he's welcome back with us. He's attending the same school. He told me a dozen times when he was with me, "I'm bored." **
The only thing that he can possibly learn out of her mother's situations is how to use another individual.
In this case, you do want the apple to fall far from the tree.
Can you possibly take care of her child or is it a bit too much?
**Yes. I can continue but he wants to be with his mother; he missed her.
She is very affectionate with him and he with her. We Could have gotten custody of him but no court would grant it at this time due to his living conditions. His mother does have nine unpaid tickets and an arrest warrant for calling her ex boyfriend's mother. Even so, the police never arrest her. Even when she's stopped in traffic they don't.**
He needs stability in his life.
Children don't ask to be affected by their parents but nonetheless it leaves a lasting imprint; to what extent remains to be seen.
**I agree. I am haunted constantly about what her constant moving around and depression has done to him and what it will do in the future. He is guilty of telling me to "shut up" on occasion and jokingly doubles up his fist in my face. Anger and frustration was showing up IMO when he did those things but then he told my husband You Are So Boring. I become very resentful of his lack of respect. We gave him so much love, I waited on him, I complimented him a lot, we laughed a lot, but little respect was there.
He barely has any fingernails left from nervousness; he's always worried to death about something having to due with his mom.** THANK YOU!!!!
Re: Daughter, 42, Won't Work, Lives off Others-and Keeps Moving
Quote:
Originally Posted by SusanGene
**Yes. I can continue but he wants to be with his mother; he missed her.
She is very affectionate with him and he with her. We Could have gotten custody of him but no court would grant it at this time due to his living conditions. His mother does have nine unpaid tickets and an arrest warrant for calling her ex boyfriend's mother. Even so, the police never arrest her. Even when she's stopped in traffic they don't.**
**I agree. I am haunted constantly about what her constant moving around and depression has done to him and what it will do in the future. He is guilty of telling me to "shut up" on occasion and jokingly doubles up his fist in my face. Anger and frustration was showing up IMO when he did those things but then he told my husband You Are So Boring. I become very resentful of his lack of respect. We gave him so much love, I waited on him, I complimented him a lot, we laughed a lot, but little respect was there.
He barely has any fingernails left from nervousness; he's always worried to death about something having to due with his mom.** THANK YOU!!!!
Hello SG,
A child may know what they like but that doesn't mean that it is best for them. It is natural for him to miss the mother, as some children possess the ability for unconditional love of a parent; hence, they can do no wrong.
Yes, it does seem that the anger and frustration is in him.
Children are often mirror images of their parents and he may be exhibiting some of her mannerisms.
You know how he is treated when you are around only; he may be fabricating falsehoods with respect to her mother's raising him.
It could be the absence of the father......................
At this point it's hard to tell.
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You stated that "he barely has any fingernails left, due to nervousness" and it is associated in some respect to his mother.
Re: Daughter, 42, Won't Work, Lives off Others-and Keeps Moving
Hi susanGene,
I appreciate how the constant chaos of BPD behaviour has affected your life. As a carer, your life has been turned upside down for long enough and as I am a BPD person, I would urge you to read the thread health issues / caregivers / borderline personalit at
[url]http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?p=3708097#post3708097[/url]
and also the personality disorder board will provide vignettes on borderline distress and information about BPD.
Please look after yourself, and best wishes, waratah x x x
If you need to ask anything, please do.
Re: Daughter, 42, Won't Work, Lives off Others-and Keeps Moving
She had gone back on drugs and was not coming home nights. He called his aunt, she called us and we went and got him (9 hr drive each way) and have enrolled him back in the same school he attended 3 times before. He seems very happy so far, loves his school and friends and we're worn out. I just hope his mother doesn't MOVE HERE again as she threatened. Husband will probably get legal custody. Thanks to all. zzzzzz.....
Re: Daughter, 42, Won't Work, Lives off Others-and Keeps Moving
If she don't get help soon. I'm willing to bet that she will be history. That type of behaviour is the kind that has no good ending. I wish you and her the best.
Re: Daughter, 42, Won't Work, Lives off Others-and Keeps Moving
SG,
I know your grandson has said he misses his mom in the past, but if he starts mentioning this again, please try not to let him go back and live with her. Someone else (I believe it was Phoenix) mentioned that some children have unconditional love for their parent(s) and will stay with them no matter what the circumstance, and this is absolutely true. I've seen children who were physically and emotionally abused by a parent, beg the authorites not to take them away. It does not mean, however, that the child should ever be allowed to be back with this parent. Especially when the parent shows no signs of ever making the necessary changes to be a good and proper parent to that child.
If it is possible to now get custody of him, and you feel that you and your husband are up to it, I would certainly recommend it. This blessed boy needs and deserves to have stability and discipline in his life. Not to mention love. I'm sorry to say that I don't believe his mother will ever be capable of giving him any of those things.
It's possible that he might not like the idea, because he will feel responsible for his mom and want to take care of her, but no child should ever be put in a situation of having to take care of their mentally unstable parent. You might have to get him in to see a child psychologist to help him understand this, but it will be the best for him, in the long run.
I hope this can be a positive experience for all of you. I also wish your daughter the best, but I am afraid (sadly) that she will not ever get the help she needs. If, by the grace of God, she does turn her life around, then things might change, but for now, I really believe the best place for your grandson, is with you. Take care and best of luck with everything. Please keep us posted, if you can.
Re: Daughter, 42, Won't Work, Lives off Others-and Keeps Moving
I don't usually post on this board I'm not a caregiver at the moment. But I work with children everyday and this thread caught my eye. I just wanted to comment on how you said the child is disrespectful to you. I know it may be hard to deal with that but you must understand that respect and courtesy are learned behaviors and with the parent he has he was not taught to respect people. He is still young and it's very important that whoever is taking care of him teach him respect. When he raises his fist to you or does or says something disrespectful there must be consequences. I see it all the time with children who are not taught proper social behavior. They come to school and are expected to behave in a respectful appropriate way and they just can't. They don't have boundaries at home and that carries over to the rest of their lives. Bless you for taking this child in, but, please do what's best for him he needs a stable home he needs to know you are his home now and he will follow your rules. He says he wants to go back with his mother because she allows him to do whatever he likes with no consequences and thats easier for him but your home is what is best.
Daughter, 42, Won't Work, Lives off Others-and Keeps Moving 
Re: Daughter, 42, Won't Work, Lives off Others-and Keeps Moving 
