That is the truth. She has lung cancer, and I have to make all her appointments, get her there, talk for her???? She is of sound mind, etc.. she can speak for herself, and keep track of her appts. She even wants me to do her bills, as I did last month when she was in hospital. I won't do it. The only way in the past I have gotten along with her was by phone. I only saw her on holidays.. even though I live just 5 mins from her. I am resentful that I have to take her for chemo, and radiation, and that one is every day. Plus all the doctor appts. My other two sisters have to work. I don't.. so I am stuck with it all..and I hate it! Does this make me a bad person???
That is the truth. She has lung cancer, and I have to make all her appointments, get her there, talk for her???? She is of sound mind, etc.. she can speak for herself, and keep track of her appts. She even wants me to do her bills, as I did last month when she was in hospital. I won't do it. The only way in the past I have gotten along with her was by phone. I only saw her on holidays.. even though I live just 5 mins from her. I am resentful that I have to take her for chemo, and radiation, and that one is every day. Plus all the doctor appts. My other two sisters have to work. I don't.. so I am stuck with it all..and I hate it! Does this make me a bad person???
NO NOT A BAD PERSON JUST A MAD DAUGHTER. ALL THE BURDEN FELL ON YOU. THEIR IS ALWAYS ONE GOOD AND CARING CHILD IN THE FAMILY THAT GETS STUCK WITH THE DEPRESSING PART OF LOSING A FAMILY MEMBER. I DON'T KNOW HOW OLD YOU ARE BUT I'M SURE IT'S TAKING A CHUNK OUT OF YOUR SOCIAL LIFE AND PRIVACY. I COMMEND YOU FOR THE MERE FACT THAT YOU ARE DOING THIS WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO ,WHICH SAYS A LOT FOR WHO YOU ARE. STAY STRONG AND YOU WON'T REGRET IT. I PROMISE. GOD BLESS YOU AND GIVE YOU PEACE.
I'm not trying to be glib, but you know what I'd do? Tell your sisters you going to look for a Job, and your wondering what day they want to take. Hey, you'd probably enjoy a job more plus have some extra cash.
That is the truth. She has lung cancer, and I have to make all her appointments, get her there, talk for her???? She is of sound mind, etc.. she can speak for herself, and keep track of her appts. She even wants me to do her bills, as I did last month when she was in hospital. I won't do it. The only way in the past I have gotten along with her was by phone. I only saw her on holidays.. even though I live just 5 mins from her. I am resentful that I have to take her for chemo, and radiation, and that one is every day. Plus all the doctor appts. My other two sisters have to work. I don't.. so I am stuck with it all..and I hate it! Does this make me a bad person???
Hello Nikk,
It seems that your mother has entrusted you with her daily activities.
I can understand the resentment but you must realize that it is quite possible that you are the best person for the "job" so to speak.
The past cannot be made up for, by any means; all we really have is the present. If she is making an attempt to reconcile with you, please, at least try to recognize that.
"I wonder what life would be like for me when I am older; would a family member be able to take care of me, or be willing to."
It sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder from long time ago and refuse to let it fall. I have a daughter who thinks I treated her wrong all during her growing up years, which is not true, but, that is how she perceives it. I love her dearly but everything I ever say is twisted into something else which makes communication very difficult. I could tell her that I love her and she would twist that into a negative. Are you by chance similar to my daughter?
I was a caregiver to my terminally ill mother-in-law and it was a difficult and hard job but very rewarding in the long run. I did feel chained to the house. I also stayed at the hospital 24/7 with each of my parents after a major car accident and again when they broke their hips at ages 93 and 98. I did not want them to be alone with strangers, everyone deserves to have a loving family member with them when things are rough.
It is not fair for one child to be burdened with a parent's care. You should tell your siblings that you will take care of your mom on such and such days and for them to choose other days to do so. Take turns. What would they do if you worked too? Arrangements would have to be made, make them now.
I lost my sister to lung cancer last year and it is not an easy disease to have. She always had problems with her daughter-in-laws but when she became ill they came thru caring for her to the end. The d-i-l that did the most care worked a full time job too.
Being faced with death is overwhelming and may interfer with a person's real ability to take care of themselves. External looks does not always tell the story. Chemo is poison to the body, good cells and bad. It takes a toll on a person.
You may be a person who wishes your mom would just go ahead and die, I don't know. Having compassion for the person who brought you into the world is really not too much to ask.
When mother's and daughters do not get along, it is usually a two-way street, both have their faults and both must work to solve issues. Forgiving each other while both are still alive will be a blessing to you.
I was a caregiver for the past ten years for my Mom. She died just 9 days ago and I miss her very, very much. She had lung cancer the last 2 years of her life (and an amputee of the leg for almost 15 years).
I was her sole caregiver as my one and only brother decided he would have nothing to do with her care. He very rarely called or even came to see her.
Taking care of my Mom who was terminal was the most difficult job God has ever given me. We went through good times and bad times...together. It was extremely difficult the last month of her life as she became so very ill.
But in the end, she passed away as I held her hand and she was surrounded by the ones she loved.
Everyone deserves to die with dignity. I feel it was a blessing to be given such an important job by GOD to take care of my Mom. Yes, it took over my entire life, but I will never regret one day that I took care of her. I know that she is finally at peace now and so am I knowing that she is in Heaven.
I've learned through this experience that life isn't all about ME. It's about what I can do for others. So Nikk, maybe just take a moment and think about taking care of your mom and how great a gift to her that would be.
I can guarantee you will NEVER regret one minute.
I do believe a caregiver has been directly appointed by God. I just did it for one month for a gal who has a rare disease that only 200 people in the world have been diagnosed with. I found out what it really means to be a servant. It takes its toll on you. But if you keep in mind that you are working for God and you reward comes from Him not to mention how valuable it is that you are helping a sick person that may only have you to count on. God Bless all of you who do this!
I was caregiver for my parents and for my first husband that had cancer. I know what you are going through. It's not fair that all the responsibility has fallen on your shoulders. Hopefully some of the other members of your family will help in some of your Mom's care. What would your Mom do if you got sick?
My prayers are with you Nikk. Don't forget to take care of you. You are a special and caring person.
Nikk,
I would ask you to consider this situation as an opportunity/gift to rebuild a relationship with your mother. I have heard time and time again from people who have opened their hearts to these situations and say it was the greatest gift ever, even if they didn't see it that way in the beginning. Your mother is probably scared and lonely and she is reaching out to you for help. If you are able to help her, I am sure the love will come back to you many times over. No one is perfect, and no relationship is ideal, but there is always a chance for forgiveness and moving past, or at least moving around, obstacles from our past to build a connection with those closest to us. Your mother trusts you to help with her medical care and finances, and if you are able to do that, I think it would be a beautiful thing. Please try to see the positive and the opportunity to spend some time with your mom when she needs you most. This isn't to say your sisters couldn't contribute to her care as well ... if you all work together it could bring all of you closer. Just try to see the chance for something wonderful to come from this, and maybe it will!
Take Care,
Shell
That is the truth. She has lung cancer, and I have to make all her appointments, get her there, talk for her???? She is of sound mind, etc.. she can speak for herself, and keep track of her appts. She even wants me to do her bills, as I did last month when she was in hospital. I won't do it. The only way in the past I have gotten along with her was by phone. I only saw her on holidays.. even though I live just 5 mins from her. I am resentful that I have to take her for chemo, and radiation, and that one is every day. Plus all the doctor appts. My other two sisters have to work. I don't.. so I am stuck with it all..and I hate it! Does this make me a bad person???
I pray that you never need help because what we put out comes back around to you.
I pray that you never need help because what we put out comes back around to you.
Then I suppose she is getting back from me what she put into my awful childhood. She was a horrible mother. Not one ounce of love in her .. oh til now.. she will say love ya, makes me cringe.. It is too late for me to ever feel anything good about her.
Then I suppose she is getting back from me what she put into my awful childhood. She was a horrible mother. Not one ounce of love in her .. oh til now.. she will say love ya, makes me cringe.. It is too late for me to ever feel anything good about her.
You may have a point there about her recieving what she put out. But YOU my dear can stop the cycle now/today/yesterday. Why not forgive her, so you can live without having to repeat the same thing. Would you rather have cancer eating up your body with no one around to love and support you? or would you rather have support with loving hands to support you?
Nikki, I really think you need to talk to someone about your problem, is there an chance of that happening. You could be doing just what you doing right now, but feeling way better about it, only you can control how you feel, do you want to always feel bad or do you really want to feel better about everything? Your choice as always.
My Mother did lots of horrible things to me during my adult life and caused so much trouble in my marriage and with my daughter that I had every right to never speak to her again. She developed colon cancer and although I was by then 1000 miles away and had a brother living only 30 minutes from her (although useless) I quit my job and went there and took care of her for the last 8 months of her life. YES IT WAS HARD but it gave me the opportunity to get an answer and apology for all the deceptive things she had done. In the end my Mother realized that I was there NO MATTER WHAT........she was my Mother and I have no regrets whatsoever today that I spent those last months with her. I would do it again. Forgiveness is the road to happiness!
I added this thread in of July.. and my Mother died Sept 6th. The people who said to try and find peace with her.. and do as much as I could for her .. cause I would regret it.. were RIGHT. I do regret how I felt..how I acted towards her at times.. There will never be a chance to change that now. I thought she had more time. Her lung cancer tumor was shrinking. I believe it was the 3rd round of chemo that killed her. She died alone I really feel awful.. and wish I had more in me to give to her. If I could redo it all over again.. I would do it differently.
You gave her everything you could give her under the circumstances and if you could do it over, you would do it the same. It is normal to have regrets, and guilt. As time passes you may see things differently, compassionately. Caring for a terminally ill person is a full time job and is very stressful. Trying to mend a troubled relationship is a full time job and is very stressful....you were trying to both which is very admirable. So be kind to yourself, and know that you, like many of us, have tried to the best you could do under very difficult circumstances.
I'm sure your mother understood and appreciated the care you gave her.
I added this thread in of July.. and my Mother died Sept 6th. The people who said to try and find peace with her.. and do as much as I could for her .. cause I would regret it.. were RIGHT. I do regret how I felt..how I acted towards her at times.. There will never be a chance to change that now. I thought she had more time. Her lung cancer tumor was shrinking. I believe it was the 3rd round of chemo that killed her. She died alone I really feel awful.. and wish I had more in me to give to her. If I could redo it all over again.. I would do it differently.
I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss. I hope that you are healing well from the pain you are experiencing. I've joined this thread b/c I desperately need some help to coping with a similar situation. If it's possible for you, can you please share some advise?
My mom is Stage 3 of anorectal cancer. She was a very neglectful parent as she was self-medicating for a strong case of bipolar through her entire life and my childhood. I had to raise myself. Oddly I've done well despite the lack of parenting. Strong career, more sucessful than many of my peers.
Now that she is dying, she needs my care. She has no one but me in her life due to her lifestyle choices. I've cut back on work, barely working 45 hours/week. My social life has ceased to exist. I've postponed my wedding that was supposed to happen in 2 weeks.
I've come to peace with my decision to care for her,however, I worry about the reprecussions it's having on my own psyche. I can definitely tell, the exhaustion from trying to keep my head above water at work and please my boss, combined with her care has left me with feelings like I can not even begin to imagine having kids and starting a family of my own. I feel like I have very little left inside of me to give. Not sure I was given much to give in my first 31 years of life, and whatever is there is just about tapped. I'm scared. My fiance definitely would like to have kids someday, and thought that I would too. Now I can't even imagine it.
She could hang on for years and we're not getting any younger. I'm nearly 32 and my fiance is 37.
I find this whole situation very sad and I truly understand how taxing it can be on someone to take care of another person when you have a family too or have to work. I cannot understand the bitterness of taking care of your Mother or Father, if you cannot cope I would do some research and maybe find some help, I am sure there are people that do volunteer work or if you can afford it maybe a nurse to come in and help once or twice a week and if you have siblings they just need to step up. For god sake they are your parents, I guess I have a different view because my parents would be there for me no matter and I would be there for me. I just look at it like they will be gone one day and that breaks my heart.
I find this whole situation very sad and I truly understand how taxing it can be on someone to take care of another person when you have a family too or have to work. I cannot understand the bitterness of taking care of your Mother or Father, if you cannot cope I would do some research and maybe find some help, I am sure there are people that do volunteer work or if you can afford it maybe a nurse to come in and help once or twice a week and if you have siblings they just need to step up. For god sake they are your parents, I guess I have a different view because my parents would be there for me no matter and I would be there for me. I just look at it like they will be gone one day and that breaks my heart.
Well of course you don't understand how we feel. We had not so great relationships with our Mom , or Dad that has brought us to this point. The point where we feel resentment in having to take care of them. No one can understand that but people in the same situation.
Re: I hate having to take care of my mother. 
