I apologize I had to remove this post. It was making me feel terribly guilty for even thinking the things I was. My dads health has taken a turn for the worse and now I'm devastated. I truthfully feel like crap. ((((
I told my husband the absolute worst part about all of this is you realize things about yourself and the things I've found out make me very upset. For quite a while in my life now I thought I was this great person. Kind, considerate, never try to hurt a flea, loving, etc.... and yet when faced with this I had some very awful thoughts and now I know I'm not quite the person I thought I was. Which truthfully hurts my soul. ((( I honestly hope God will forgive me for my rotten thoughts and feelings through this. It has been super hard but I will be there for my Dad until the end. Thank you for your replys Ibake, Lintek, and cmpgirl. Your replies were very touching and actually made me tear up. I appreciate that there are such kind and wonderful people willing to take the time to help out a stranger. Thank You all.
Last edited by janewd; 08-07-2008 at 07:37 PM.
Reason: I'm sincerely sorry for everything I wrote. :(
I'm sorry about your Dad. It does sound like he has the start of dementia. But, no where does it say that you have to put up with being verbally abused. Honey, your family's more important than that, as is your very mental state. At the rate you are going, you are going to end up have a nervous breakdown and you will end up hospitalized-then who will take care of your son and husband, not to mention your father?
Why doesn't your sister help? Perhaps she knew what she was doing. No one deserves to be yelled at and at the beck and call of an elderly man. Your waiting on him hand and foot isn't going to make him love you any more than doing anything else. YOur father has reached the point where he needs 24/7 care, and that is more than you can provide. You need to consider the needs of yourself and your family before the needs of your father.
And yes, I do know. My mother died of Alzheimers and my father had vascular dementia..
Thank you for your reply. I am deeply sorry about your parents.
I have to say writing that all out and knowing that it isn't all me, lol, was actually very cathartic. And wonders of wonders my husband who had yesterday off actually sat with my dad for a few hours which did a world of good for me. I honestly feel like a huge burden has been lifted with that. Fingers crossed he'll do it again next weekend. LOL
I've actually decided not to dwell on what is going on inside my dads head. Whatever it is I'm sure he isn't and doesn't really feel the way he's been acting. I love him dearly and I KNOW he wouldn't be saying the things he does and acting the way he is if it weren't for a whole lot of changes that had to be made in his life, his loss of independence and the fact that he is dying.
Honestly my earlier rant was just me stressing to the max and needing to vent and I appreciate that this board is here and there are so many wonderful people.
Your father is a very lucky man to have such a good daughter like you to help him. Especially since he wasn't there for you when you were growing up.
It's good to see that a person in this world hasn't held some form of hostility towards their parents mistakes.
one hand is washing the other in your case. he's helping you out, which I feel you SHOULD get some form of payment for giving a 100% of your time to him.
I feel you ARE heading for a nervous breakdown if you don't get some form of help.
they have governemtn funded programs that send people to home health takers houses so they can do things for themselves too.
you can't just give all of your time to him without taking care of your needs too.
otherwise, look what happens? you wind up breaking down.
what's to say you won't come right back emotionally the next time it happens?
you should get something in writing and get it notarized that he is giving you the $200 a month for fee's, and what's wrong with you getting paid even though you're his daughter? he'd be paying a heck of a lot more if he was to hire a home health aide. you deserve to be paid, as long as he's the one that's permitting it and you're not just doing it on your own without his permission. This way you won't have to worry he's going to start trouble with you by saying you're taking his money.
and all because of his dementia. parents don't even remember who their own children are when they have dementia.
they don't remember things that happened two hours ago.
so get it in writing if you can.
If you're husband is not making enough money job wise, why doesn't he apply for medicaid? and for food stamps?
especially since you have children.
I felt so bad for you and my heart ached for you when I read what you're going through. I felt your helplessness and hopelessness.
I understand your predicatment and it's not just the other poor countries where people are suffering in poverty, but it's right here under our noses in our country. it's just that people don't seem to care anymore.
they think they bring it upon themselves. If some people lived in their shoes for one day, I"m sure they wouldn't survive.
they say that in order for people to live a stable life, they need shelter, food and something else. these things are a NECESSITY to have in order for one to feel secure.
without them, there's constant struggle just to stay alive.
I used to think poverty was in other countries, not our own.
not until I went through a divorce of being married and taken care of for 18 years and then I had to be self sufficient and live on my own and provide for my ownself, get a job, did I see how hard it is to make it in this world that consists of making it only if you have alot of money.
what is happening to mankind? What ever happened to compassion and love and understanding? and to lend a helping hand to others who are suffering?
I really have to commend you for your strength. You are one heck of a strong woman to put up with all you are going through and not become bitter.
you sound geniune and forgiving of your father.
God will bless you. It may not be when you need it or expect it, but believe me, it will come to you if you are sincere and will come to you when you least expect it to.
there is always a way for things to get worked out. one just can't freak out and get panicked. you have to take that deep breath, or go to a therapist or go to a support group for care takers and I urge you to speak to your husband and see if he can help you more. A little goes a long way when you're the only one being the care taker of some one who's disabled, plus you're also taking care of your husband and your kids.
there's not much more of you to go around if you don't get some help.
You're a great woman all around.
good luck with your dad and dont' ever feel there's not a way out.
Hey Jane, I just wanted to echo some of the sentiments/advice that the others gave you and add a bit of my own.
I took care of my mom who had dementia and her older sister who was mentally quite sharp, but had broken both hips in a sixt month period and one of the repairs failed. They were both in their 80's at the time. I had them at home for about 4 years and then ended up having to place them in skilled nursing care. (not at the same time, about 6 mos apart) Even though I never begrudged them a second of my time, it took a significant toll on me, both physical and emotional.
My situation was different from yours because they were both loving and gracious. They were never mean or abusive. My mom could get a bit agitated, especially later on, and my aunt would get a little ornery once in a while, but she was in excruciating pain most of the time, so I never took it personally.
I understand that you love your dad, and he is a very lucky man that you do. Your sister had no right to even think she could dictate what you should or shouldn't do where your dad is concerned. It's not her call. And even if she chooses not to help out, which I know is her perogative, she was way out of line telling you that you should move yourself and your family to your father's city. Don't let her manipulate you with a guilt trip.
The most important advice I can give you is to get everything in writing. Purely for self protection. I know finances are tight, but an attorney is worth every penny and could save you a world of heartache, not to mention a legal nightmare. And I also agree that you should check with your local office for the aging or medicaid department to find out what type of respite care is available. You need to get a break on a regular basis. Your health and well being are, and should be, of the utmost importance. You have your own family and yourself to think about.
I wish you the very best. Please remember that you have to know and respect your own limitations. If/when the time comes, where you are again at the end of your rope and you feel like you can't do this another day, do not feel guilty about doing what is best for you. You are only one person. Sometimes by giving in to guilt, we are doing the loved one a disservice as well. Even abusive and cruel people deserve quality care and our very best is sometimes just not enough. Please take care of yourself. You deserve it.
Thank you for your replys Ibake, Lintek, and cmpgirl. Your replies were very touching and actually made me tear up. I appreciate that there are such kind and wonderful people willing to take the time to help out a stranger. Thank You all.
ps, I've repeated this from my earlier post which I deleted. And I apologize if this is out of order or doesn't make sense. I'm totally at odds right now with everything.
Jane, First, please let me clarify something. When I wrote that even abusive people deserve quality care, I was trying to let you know that it was OK if you needed to place him in a skilled nursing environment. I sincerely apologize if you thought I meant you weren't doing enough. In fact, I meant just the opposite. My concern was for you and your well-being. No one person can do it all. And I had to finally admit that to myself when I placed my mom and then later, my aunt.
I just read what you re-wrote in your origional post. I am so sorry if I made you feel guilty about what you wrote in the beginning. Please know that like all human beings, you have a breaking point. What you wrote was not horrible. It was just the plain truth about how you were feeling at the time. There is nothing wrong in that.
Caring for someone 24/7, who is very ill and demanding of your every second, is one of the most difficult things you can ever do. As much as I loved my family members who I cared for, if you think there weren't times that I wanted to run, screaming, out the door and never come back, you'd be mistaken.
In my opinion, it is the type of thing that can destroy a person's very sanity, especially if you never get a break. And it is even more difficult when the person you are trying to care for, has been less than kind toward you, now or in the past.
Please, please do not beat yourself up. You are only human and you had/have every right to express your own emotional and physical pain. You are a good person. Even though you may not think so right now, you are a wonderful daughter.
I wish you the very best. I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers. Please continue to post and ask for support. That is what this place is for. And you deserve to get all of the support that you can. Very sincerely, CMP