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Old 08-10-2008, 11:15 AM   #1
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My mother is crazy and my heart is broken

I moved to Florida from California last year. My mother has cancer and I was getting calls in CA from my mother's hospital, from social workers and nurses that my mother was very sick. Neither of my siblings (who both live here) wanted to help her. I thought I was doing the right thing but I really hate myself for coming here.

I had a really dysfunctional childhood. My mother was paranoid, my father was a drunk and my siblings and I fought. I left when I was in my early 20s to go to college in NY and I thought I would never turn back. I swore that I would never come back to Florida and here I am. I can't believe it.

My mother has always been paranoid and disillusioned. That's one of the things both of my siblings have been telling me. They basically told me that my mother was crazy but I defended her. I really thought I loved her so much. Now, I really despise her.

We have not been getting along for a while. I haven't been able to find a solid job here so I'm doing low-paying virtual work online which enables me to barely pay my bills. I have credit cards, a car payment, insurance, cell phone and that's just what's in front of me. I have over a hundred thousand dollars in student loan debt. I am being stalked by collection agencies and threatened.

She constantly talks bad about my dead father, doesn't respect my wishes to not have a relationship with my sibling so she's constantly putting me in scenarios where I'm forced to deal with them (even though, ironically both told me to just let her die), she complains about me to her friends. I realize that she's sick but really, she has always been this way to a degree. I'm just seeing it crystal clear for the first time in my life. My brother and sister have been telling me for years that our mother is crazy.

I take her to the hospital and pick up her meds and do her shopping and cook for her and clean for her and do everything in my power but it never seems like enough. I slowly feel myself melting away. I am sick to my stomach all the time, I have neck and shoulder pain and terrible headaches. I have never been this miserable in my life. It's very difficult to feel any sense of hope. I feel as though my life is doomed.

My mother is very religious and often accuses me of being possessed by a demon. The other night she screamed that I was the devil so I got in her face and pretended like I was going to hit her and then started laughing at her. I realize this was very immature but I get so sick of hearing that I'm some sort of diabolical creature. I'm her daughter and I came her to help her!

She has somehow interpreted that incident as "trying to choke her". A couple of days ago somebody from the county came by and said they had a call about "senior abuse". My mother insists she had nothing to do with it but I know she did. She has concocted this scenario in her mind that I tried to choke her and she must've told one of her friends that I did and they called the abuse hotline.

I remember a time that I used to love my mother so very much. There was nothing that I wouldn't do for her. Now, I really feel this intense hatred towards her. My heart is breaking because I don't see how I could ever get passed this. In fact, if I never see her again it will be too soon. Unfortunately, we live together but I am planning on leaving, moving out of Florida and far, far away from her and my dysfunctional family.

I just don't know where to go or how to get there. I feel so lost.

 
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Old 08-10-2008, 12:33 PM   #2
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Re: My mother is crazy and my heart is broken

I'm sorry for your pain and the trouble you are having with your mother. It is a hard situation to be in....taking care of parents and yet not getting along with them. I feel for you. I hope that you can make the right decisions for YOU and then stand up to them....I have no words of wisdom, just wanted you to know that I read and am wishing the best for you.

Let us know how things are going.

 
Old 08-10-2008, 12:37 PM   #3
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Re: My mother is crazy and my heart is broken

Thank you. Sometimes the comfort of strangers is very soothing and I appreciate your comments.

 
Old 08-10-2008, 02:21 PM   #4
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Re: My mother is crazy and my heart is broken

Hi,
I truly am sorry to hear of your struggles, and feel I can really relate to you on some levels. I think I remember you posting a while ago on the Depression boards as your story sounds familiar to me.
It's all too true that some family members run a mile when it comes to looking after and caring for a sick loved one. I have seen that all too well in my own family, as my grandmother is 94 with advanced dementia. My one uncle cares for her 24/7 and I have seen this illness destroy his life. My grandmother is not mentally alert enough to know and understand the affect her illness has on him. I'm wondering do you think your mother realizes the impact of her actions and how she treats you? That makes a big difference. If she doesnt, then I guess you really have to consider that, but if she does, then you need to draw a line in the sand. Easy for me to say I know, but I lived it, and still do every single day with my own mother. I also put so much of myself into caring for her, and also struggle with emotional anger and fatigue over doing so.
You are a wonderful person for going to her side, remember that. How is her health right now? How much is she able to look after herself? It is wonderful of you to give up your time to care for her, but if she is not appreciative you have to really start to look after yourself. She has an awful illness that's for sure......but I always say that no illness gives anyone the right to treat their family horribly.
If you're already having financial struggles, I'm not sure what its like where you live, but can you at all check into something like a "caregivers" allowance? I know my uncle gets this from the government? It might help. Or some assistance that would maybe pay for some "paid help"....that way you could get out and have some time for yourself?
It's amazing for you to help your mom, but you cant lose yourself in the process. Believe me I've seen it happen and it's not good.
Sad to say, I think its necessary to show a little "tough love" here, and let your mom know you're there for a reason, because you know she's ill and needs help. That you've given up your life to care for her, but after all that, you need to be treated with respect.......and you need to look out for yourself as well.
Best of luck, I really do feel for you.....I wish I could say more to help, except that I do understand.
Carsam

 
Old 08-13-2008, 08:57 AM   #5
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Re: My mother is crazy and my heart is broken

Interesting.. My mother, i think reallly hates my guts. I cannot figure out, what i did.. When i was born, wayyy back in 71, lol. after 8 months, she was going to give me up for adoption. My grand dad steped in, and raise me. Well my mother decided to come back into my life. and i assumed everything is all good. Fast forward to age 36, and my granddad was on his death bed, revealed to me, that the only thing my mother was telling people, was that i was her Meal ticket. Well myself, i shrugged it off. 1 year, later i am diagnosed with Multple Sclerosis. She actully was there for me, and i assumed was very sinciere. I am not the brightest person in our family, but have been blessed to be a computer guy. Decent income, etc... She invites me to move in with her. Now herself, being disabled.. She has only SS income nd retirement benefits. At agea of only 57. myself being 37. It has been less than 90 days, in which she has stated to her friends, that she wants to kick me out.
I realize that all my life i was just a meal ticket. But i have learned from life to forgive and forget. Life happens. I moved from a House, that was 6 miles from my office, to move into her house, that is 37 miles away. I pay her more in rent, for 1 br, than what an entire house cost me. Money isnt the issue. For the life of me, i cannot understand what alll i did wrong,
So i feel your pain, and i totally understand what you are going through..

 
Old 08-13-2008, 09:44 AM   #6
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Re: My mother is crazy and my heart is broken

None of you did anything "wrong". You were just born to a mentally/emotionally ill person. I don't think they can help what they do or how they are. It's just part of the illness, however, you can make the choice to either accept that they are "mentally ill" and deal with it dispassionately or move on and save yourself. I dealt with with my mom until she passed on and now my sister has inherited the "gene". Thank goodness I didn't live at home after age 20 and I'm a long way from my sister but the emotional stress is still wearing. I wish you all the best.

 
Old 07-28-2009, 09:49 PM   #7
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Re: My mother is crazy and my heart is broken

Quote:
Originally Posted by TopamaxKillsMe View Post
I moved to Florida from California last year. My mother has cancer and I was getting calls in CA from my mother's hospital, from social workers and nurses that my mother was very sick. Neither of my siblings (who both live here) wanted to help her. I thought I was doing the right thing but I really hate myself for coming here.

I had a really dysfunctional childhood. My mother was paranoid, my father was a drunk and my siblings and I fought. I left when I was in my early 20s to go to college in NY and I thought I would never turn back. I swore that I would never come back to Florida and here I am. I can't believe it.

My mother has always been paranoid and disillusioned. That's one of the things both of my siblings have been telling me. They basically told me that my mother was crazy but I defended her. I really thought I loved her so much. Now, I really despise her.

We have not been getting along for a while. I haven't been able to find a solid job here so I'm doing low-paying virtual work online which enables me to barely pay my bills. I have credit cards, a car payment, insurance, cell phone and that's just what's in front of me. I have over a hundred thousand dollars in student loan debt. I am being stalked by collection agencies and threatened.

She constantly talks bad about my dead father, doesn't respect my wishes to not have a relationship with my sibling so she's constantly putting me in scenarios where I'm forced to deal with them (even though, ironically both told me to just let her die), she complains about me to her friends. I realize that she's sick but really, she has always been this way to a degree. I'm just seeing it crystal clear for the first time in my life. My brother and sister have been telling me for years that our mother is crazy.

I take her to the hospital and pick up her meds and do her shopping and cook for her and clean for her and do everything in my power but it never seems like enough. I slowly feel myself melting away. I am sick to my stomach all the time, I have neck and shoulder pain and terrible headaches. I have never been this miserable in my life. It's very difficult to feel any sense of hope. I feel as though my life is doomed.

My mother is very religious and often accuses me of being possessed by a demon. The other night she screamed that I was the devil so I got in her face and pretended like I was going to hit her and then started laughing at her. I realize this was very immature but I get so sick of hearing that I'm some sort of diabolical creature. I'm her daughter and I came her to help her!

She has somehow interpreted that incident as "trying to choke her". A couple of days ago somebody from the county came by and said they had a call about "senior abuse". My mother insists she had nothing to do with it but I know she did. She has concocted this scenario in her mind that I tried to choke her and she must've told one of her friends that I did and they called the abuse hotline.

I remember a time that I used to love my mother so very much. There was nothing that I wouldn't do for her. Now, I really feel this intense hatred towards her. My heart is breaking because I don't see how I could ever get passed this. In fact, if I never see her again it will be too soon. Unfortunately, we live together but I am planning on leaving, moving out of Florida and far, far away from her and my dysfunctional family.

I just don't know where to go or how to get there. I feel so lost.
I can relate with you almost to a tee except my mother does not have cancer shes just crazy shes like a child she has no grey matter in her brain witch is basically the processer of her life what else is there to do but talk to people you dont know on the comp. Nobody else that knows you or your situation cares right i like strangers they seem to be judgementle in a non threating way!!!!! LOL

 
Old 01-28-2011, 05:26 PM   #8
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Re: My mother is crazy and my heart is broken

Quote:
Originally Posted by TopamaxKillsMe View Post
I moved to Florida from California last year. My mother has cancer and I was getting calls in CA from my mother's hospital, from social workers and nurses that my mother was very sick. Neither of my siblings (who both live here) wanted to help her. I thought I was doing the right thing but I really hate myself for coming here.

I had a really dysfunctional childhood. My mother was paranoid, my father was a drunk and my siblings and I fought. I left when I was in my early 20s to go to college in NY and I thought I would never turn back. I swore that I would never come back to Florida and here I am. I can't believe it.

My mother has always been paranoid and disillusioned. That's one of the things both of my siblings have been telling me. They basically told me that my mother was crazy but I defended her. I really thought I loved her so much. Now, I really despise her.

We have not been getting along for a while. I haven't been able to find a solid job here so I'm doing low-paying virtual work online which enables me to barely pay my bills. I have credit cards, a car payment, insurance, cell phone and that's just what's in front of me. I have over a hundred thousand dollars in student loan debt. I am being stalked by collection agencies and threatened.

She constantly talks bad about my dead father, doesn't respect my wishes to not have a relationship with my sibling so she's constantly putting me in scenarios where I'm forced to deal with them (even though, ironically both told me to just let her die), she complains about me to her friends. I realize that she's sick but really, she has always been this way to a degree. I'm just seeing it crystal clear for the first time in my life. My brother and sister have been telling me for years that our mother is crazy.

I take her to the hospital and pick up her meds and do her shopping and cook for her and clean for her and do everything in my power but it never seems like enough. I slowly feel myself melting away. I am sick to my stomach all the time, I have neck and shoulder pain and terrible headaches. I have never been this miserable in my life. It's very difficult to feel any sense of hope. I feel as though my life is doomed.

My mother is very religious and often accuses me of being possessed by a demon. The other night she screamed that I was the devil so I got in her face and pretended like I was going to hit her and then started laughing at her. I realize this was very immature but I get so sick of hearing that I'm some sort of diabolical creature. I'm her daughter and I came her to help her!

She has somehow interpreted that incident as "trying to choke her". A couple of days ago somebody from the county came by and said they had a call about "senior abuse". My mother insists she had nothing to do with it but I know she did. She has concocted this scenario in her mind that I tried to choke her and she must've told one of her friends that I did and they called the abuse hotline.

I remember a time that I used to love my mother so very much. There was nothing that I wouldn't do for her. Now, I really feel this intense hatred towards her. My heart is breaking because I don't see how I could ever get passed this. In fact, if I never see her again it will be too soon. Unfortunately, we live together but I am planning on leaving, moving out of Florida and far, far away from her and my dysfunctional family.

I just don't know where to go or how to get there. I feel so lost.
You owe her nothing....do not feel guilty...just leave her....that is the problem with nasty mothers they exploit the ones who are soft and caring...she wont change...they never really do...

 
Old 01-28-2011, 05:31 PM   #9
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Re: My mother is crazy and my heart is broken

Quote:
Originally Posted by rippleyaliens View Post
Interesting.. My mother, i think reallly hates my guts. I cannot figure out, what i did.. When i was born, wayyy back in 71, lol. after 8 months, she was going to give me up for adoption. My grand dad steped in, and raise me. Well my mother decided to come back into my life. and i assumed everything is all good. Fast forward to age 36, and my granddad was on his death bed, revealed to me, that the only thing my mother was telling people, was that i was her Meal ticket. Well myself, i shrugged it off. 1 year, later i am diagnosed with Multple Sclerosis. She actully was there for me, and i assumed was very sinciere. I am not the brightest person in our family, but have been blessed to be a computer guy. Decent income, etc... She invites me to move in with her. Now herself, being disabled.. She has only SS income nd retirement benefits. At agea of only 57. myself being 37. It has been less than 90 days, in which she has stated to her friends, that she wants to kick me out.
I realize that all my life i was just a meal ticket. But i have learned from life to forgive and forget. Life happens. I moved from a House, that was 6 miles from my office, to move into her house, that is 37 miles away. I pay her more in rent, for 1 br, than what an entire house cost me. Money isnt the issue. For the life of me, i cannot understand what alll i did wrong,
So i feel your pain, and i totally understand what you are going through..
You obviously were born with the good gene...here you are with a heart of gold trying to look after your mother who clearly doesnt value you...and you have your own worries...my mother has been diagnosed with cancer, still waiting on the prognosis really..but i have decided to leave her well alone...I nursed Dad for three months and it nearly killed me...My mother has been very cruel to me, but i know she will understand when she passes over...look after yourself first...It pains me to see so many lovely people being used and abused by dysfunctional mothers who really dont give a tinkers cuss....take care

 
Old 01-28-2011, 06:44 PM   #10
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Re: My mother is crazy and my heart is broken

I am the OP and I wrote this post years ago and get update notifications. Tonight I was surprised when someone responded to it, I got an email and I was forced to read what I had wrote back then. You see, I forgot I ever posted this and I have repressed this memory. Reading my original post brought it all back. I feel compelled to respond.

My mother died a few months after I posted this. I regret ever getting so upset with her. She was sick and on meds and I should've been the grown up (that's what happens as life progresses. The child ends up being the parent and the parent the child).

I'm not saying my mom wasn't crazy. She most definitely was in many ways. But her illness sort of magnified all these qualities plus my inability to deal with the stress made things worse. And, it will always come down to the dysfunction of my family which is like a disease. It spread to my sister's children so much, in fact, that her son, my nephew, committed suicide less than a year after my mom died.

I write this somewhat at peace with everything that happened and grateful, in spite of everything, that I took care of my mom. I miss the closeness we once had before everything spiraled out of control.

Last edited by TopamaxKillsMe; 01-28-2011 at 06:49 PM.

 
Old 03-26-2011, 01:00 PM   #11
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Re: My mother is crazy and my heart is broken

I am sorry your Mom passed away in 2008. Sometimes we probably do regret about something we didn't or did do before the person passed. I had several relatives who died and I certainly would regret this and that sometimes. However I learned that we did what we could at best at that time. Even if rationally we know we should have done so and so, the nature of the relationship was there to make certain things happen. You know what I mean? I do regret that I didn't get close to my late MIL before her death in 2004, but again it was my personality. I misunderstood something about her until I was forced to take over my FIL's financial stuff for my husband. (I help my husband taking care of his Dad who has late Alzheimer's.)

But would I have done differently at that time? Maybe the answer is no because I was in different "mode" and didn't have the knowledge I have about her now.
I think we can try our best to behave as caregivers, but don't feel guilty about it. You did your best.

Take care,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 03-26-2011 at 01:06 PM.

 
Old 03-26-2011, 11:37 PM   #12
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Re: My mother is crazy and my heart is broken

I am another one who does not have any direct advise, but I wanted to share my sadness for what you are going through, and support you in your decision to move on with your life.

 
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