I could write a book to describe the strange relationship that i believe is with someone with bpd or at least with traits. Fairly sure his mom has bpd or related issues. In the course of 13 years i've been the "stable" adult in his life..2 times in the past he has cut me off completely but i do believe because he thought i was going to leave him. (not the case both times!) Now the symptoms are worse than ever. He's just out of high school..no direction..just ended a serious relationship that left him suicidal. Why i need advice? He's not speaking to me physically or seeing me but he will text me. Can anyone help me with why hearing my voice or seeing me is so difficult? It just doeasn't make any sense to me and I just want to understand.
For me, texting is safe - if someone says something that hurts you or rejects you when you ask for help then they can't see that they have hurt you - I can be more "up" in a text even if I am feeling down - on the phone people can read things from your tone and you can read things from their tone (not always what you think), if you are happy or sad, and sometimes I don't want to let them know how down i am at the time. And you can't see the disappointment in the persons eyes if you are texting. It also gives them the opportunity not to reply at the time if they need a break.
It's a way of keeping the communication lines open which for me at least is a low risk way of keeping in touch - i hpe you can get him to get some help - take care MBC
Over the years I have cut people out of my life too. I guess I fear that they are going to leave me or not like me. So I leave them first, so they can't hurt me. It's so weird, but I don't understand myself why I do some of the things that I do. It is never because of what someone else has done to me, but what I think they are going to do to me. For some they cant stand the idea of being denied love- so they figure they will do it before someone else get a chance to do to them. As far as not wanting to see or hear you directly- I think it is the same idea. I can read a text in private and deal with it. If I'm with the person or on the phone I have to react and also be seen as to how I react. It's vary hard and I know from experience that want I wanted was really to be back in their life, but they don't always know how to go about fixing the situation without embaressing them selves. The best thing you can do is just tell him you understand and want to really see him- perhaps even for something dump like to give him something that is completely unrelated to anything. Then when you him just act like everything is okay and you are fine and nothing has happened and things are great. Maybe a little later you might say something like I love you and will always be there for you even if you need to take time away sometime from the relationship. I will be waiting for you and I wont just let you walk out of my life. There is nothing you can do that will make me not like you. It is just something you might have to deal with from time to time. What ever you do is don't get mad, don't take it personally and really try to be there for them. And just know that they have a reason for their behavior in there own mind. It might not make sense to you though. I wish I could tell you more- sometime i don't even understand myself vary well so its hard to explain "WHAT SOMEONE ELSE MIGHT BE DOING OR WHY"
Thank you so much for both replies. They truly helped. I already do tell him I love him and that I will always be here for him. Is it possible he doesn't believe me? I'm worried that I'm sending some kind of bad energy/signal that makes him doubt me. He's 18, not in school, no job except working 1 1/2 hours a week for me at my business (but won't see me), stopped going to his therapist. No one is addressing the issue that there IS an issue. that was kind of always my job , which I'm sure is part of not seeing or talking to me. But when is it time to say to him..time to try to take a step forward? Is it ever a good idea to take that approach?
He is working and that is a good thing. Not much- but sometimes that really all a person can handle. I have a hard time even working as much as he does. Luckily I am on SSDI and have been for some time now. You don't think he will hurt himself do you? Or are you worried that he is just not doing anything with his life? Are his medical conditions documented well by his doctors? If so, he might be able to get some kind help. I don't know enough really to make any suggestion- other than just to be their and be supportive. Its not easy have Mental Health issues. The vary nature of the problem is in the head and that also were we are supposed to be getting out own thought from. So it gets vary confusing with everything go on in the head. Anyways Best of Luck...Keep us informed of what is going on.
it's good he's working - keep texting him - maybe say you miss seeing him - keep it low key - no stress - that's what i did with my nephew when he was severley depressed and wouldn't talk or see anyone - i only hoped he was getting my texts and eventually he replied and we talked on the phone and then a few weeks later went out for lunch - hopefully when your friend is ready he will reach out - until then the only thing i can think of is to be there for him - i hope things get better for you both soon
p.s., I told my nephew i needed help with something and that's how i got him to see me - because he thought it was to help me rather than him - and I did need help with a couple of things so we helped each other.
Last edited by maybecrazy; 09-14-2008 at 12:03 AM.
Reason: add a p.s.,
In the past he has only tried to hurt himself during the immedite crisis which was 2 months ago now. What I'm afraid is that time is going to go by and he is going to regret this time where he isn't moving forward. He's a gifted.. And I seriously mean gifted.. Dancer. If things didn't go down hill in the past few months he'd be in new York and now he can't even get out of a chair! His only dancing is teaching one class in my studio. Mom has moved the family for the fourth time in the last 5 years. He won't leave his mom but there isn't any stability there. Some days it feels so hopeless. I've been told to stop trying to help cause I'm only enabling him but I may be the only person who understands what's really going on with him.I find myself saying everyday.. What do I do.. Am I doing the right thing?
it's so hard to know what to say - maybe you can encourage him to go back to his psychologist? is it possible to talk with his mum,(even with her problems) or does he have other family members you can talk to? or friends?
I really hope things get better for him and you - do you have someone you can talk to about this? a counciller of Doctor who may be able to give a professional view of what to do? we are all always here for you - take care and hang in there.
I spoke with his sister yesterday. New (though has gone through this in the past) is wearing makeup and thinking he is a female. I guess I have really evaluated what I need advice on. I just don't know if the right thing to do is just let him be. If he is not seeking out my attention..which he would have done in the past..and actually seems to be telling me he's ok when I know he's not..trying to get me to leave him alone..should I? I know he's not ok. What do I do? His sister thinks I should week him out. I need help!!!
What is his sister doing to help him? are you taking too much on yourself? have you talked to a professional about this - like a doctor or counciller? It sounds like you need some help sorting this out - and finding out what to do - it's really hard to know - my eldest brother told us he was gay a couple of years ago an now he says he is really a female trapped in a man's body and wants to change his gender - he is wearing make up and womens clothes and I have assurred him that I am here for him and will support him in anything he wants to do - he's half the world away from me so I text him - sometimes I don't hear from him for a while but I still keep sending texts so that he knows I am here if he needs me. What I have found in my life is that you can't make someone get help - they have to want it - all you can do is be supportive and be there if they need you - that doesn't mean you can't suggest they get help - it gets very complicated....
Take care of yourself and I hope you find some help soon.