I don't know how to post in the other thread so I'm going to try this again...
I've got the energy now to carry out this suicide thing I think. I mean, my head is clear and I know it's what I want. I feel more like I'm hiding from it when I go about my life like it isn't there. All that happens, is I meet someone who loathes me and encourages me to break down and hurt myself. I want good things for people, I really do. And I don't believe suicide is a good answer, but I wonder if it is as bad as people often paint it. I'm fairly sure people would be happier with me gone. I just want to do it while my mind is clear, and I'm coordinated and completely understanding of what's going on. I mean I don't drink, smoke, do drugs or anything these days. I'd be fully conscious of what I'm doing. It would be so much less degrading to carry this out in this mindset than down the road when I could be really down and out again. Which man, I have been. I've been gone gone gone, like GONE. I've made leaps and bounds in the last four years from a pretty depressed state. But I don't think I'll ever really get better than I was at say twenty years old (which I was bad then). I don't know, I just wanted to post this, if not just to log it.
I just realized something incredible. I basically starved myself for a couple days. I was told I'm getting skinnier by the day. I felt dead earlier but totally euphoric now. What a great substitute for death? I realized if I'm better off out of the picture, I felt and realized that I'm truly on my own. I mean instead of having someone else destroy me, why not take it upon myself? I've played the 'what can I do to myself' game before. What's so empowering about it, is you KNOW NOW that you have this ******* live you can do whatever you want with or to. You can **** it up as much as you want. I'm a little worried though, because I don't learn or get along well like this and it tends to be hard getting back. But I feel really good right now. I think people go through their lives like this. I don't think I can or will. I mean, it's different. I'll die quickly I think. What is this? What does it mean?
I wanted to say, it feels like taking ownership of my life back. That's what it is. I don't like the way people have handled my life. I mean, I think I purposely put it in harm with other people. But they don't represent it properly. I mean, I want to destroy it myself. It's my life. I'll be in a new job though, which brings back memories of when I've done this before and it kinda sux how I just float through. I missed a lot of opportunities before. I'm unsure of things. But I can't feel my body right now. I love it.
I think it's memories you know? I was feeling psychotic when I began reflecting, and I'm like... you're life has always sucked. One failure to the next. Enemies, friends, jobs, whatever. I mean I haven't totally failed in all these things. I've been successful in some aspects. But I just can't get what I need and it's something so simple and far away from me. I like this, here. I don't want anything with high traffic. Just me and whoever you are that passes by, curiously clicking through threads.
Isn't it true, if someone strikes a chord with you or hurts you, there's something already there that allows for that? I mean, doesn't it mean you kind of have to deal with it anyway, so might as well bail on trying to ******* make up for it by taking more in? Why not just start ******* with yourself? I'm getting old for this me thinks, but I think it's going to be fun.
I'm scared because when I've done this before I forget up from down and don't know what's going on and get so ****** up that my decision making is so skewed, it's scary. I don't think i want to go back. But I don't want to be in pain anymore.
What happened here? The thread was taken over by someone talking about suicide and no-one responded.
Any ideas? This person hasn't been on since their last post in October last year.
Spooked me a bit, I hope they're ok.