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Old 12-05-2008, 07:01 PM   #1
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sherimm2 HB User
Anyone out there caregiver for seriously injured spouse?

I know I must not be alone in my position of caregiver. Four months ago our lives were altered, possibly forever, when my husband was seriously injured in a auto accident by a 'hit and run' un-insured, intoxicated and habitual offender. He is wheelchair bound and stuck on our main floor, with a bed in the dining room because of our stairs. I feel sad, angry and exhausted, but very grateful to still have my husband with me. Anyone relate ?

Sherimm:

Last edited by sherimm2; 12-08-2008 at 08:40 AM. Reason: clairifying

 
Old 12-14-2008, 06:47 PM   #2
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Re: Anyone out there caregiver for seriously injured spouse?

sherimm2

I am sorry but things will only get better when you can forgive and let the anger go. Your life is still your life just a little different. So what if the bed is now on the 1st floor. You can make it like an adventure.

you can also take a moment to give yourself credit for being able to do this.

you are suffering from guilt that it is him and not you. You question whether if it was you, would he be there for you as you are for him. You must believe he would.

You love each other. You can realize that your lives are different but maybe start them fresh by renewing your vows so he realizes how much you do love him. When he is able to, get him to start doing things that he may be capable of. Even if its drying silverware, etc.


Things will get better. I will keep you in my prayers.

 
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Old 12-16-2008, 08:39 AM   #3
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Re: Anyone out there caregiver for seriously injured spouse?

Hello caringsister, Thank you for your wise words of encouragement. You are so right. Most of the time I do not think of the anger, but once in awhile it sneaks up and adds to the injustice of what my husband and all of us are suffering ,because of this man's careless and thoughtless, negligence. I understand that I am one of the lucky ones and still have him with me.. I also know it is wrong to know that and feel so sad to have our
future vacation trips with long walks on a beach (for example) taken away just a few years before retirement. I know it sounds selfish.. he also planned to move from this old house to a place on a lake one day... and now he is unable to work, there has been so much loss of income and the bills will begin poring in again next month... I an rambling.
I do appreciate being able to talk about this and put my thoughts out there.

 
Old 12-17-2008, 05:02 PM   #4
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Re: Anyone out there caregiver for seriously injured spouse?

dear Sherrim,

Please write again and constant. It will give you the place to vent so that you don't vent to him because he didn't ask for this.

My husband was morbidly obese when I met that fantastic man. Yes, there were rocky times in our marriage because he was a complusive shop-a-holic. I hate shopping so he filled that void. He's the only man I know who could go out to get milk and be gone 4 hours. I swear!. He'd buy all the christmas presents, and wrap them! before I saw them. The entire family knew that he did this so my nephews and nieces would make special efforts to show me what he purchased!

in June 2003, our life crumbled with a diagnosis for him of Progressive Kidney Failure. I, in 1991, came down with mono while away on vacation and it turned into Epstein Barr. I also suffered panic attacks as a result of hormones and it could come on very suddenly. In both cases, he was of little support. Yet, when he got sick, I tried to support him in various ways. He took the diagnosis and turned in-ward. More angry that it was him and not anyone else (like me???). He had little patience to allow me to be here for him. I went to the transplant seminar that was offered. I had to 'force' myself upon him to be there at the doctors otherwise he wouldn't tell me anything. Each time I tried to talk with someone or the doctor, he'd yell that it was his illness that this didn't have anything to do with me or the kids. Yet, numerous nights I cried in the basement with a towel stuffed in my mouth so no one would hear me. My kids and I would cringe each morning when he was throwing up. He had no transplant, didn't get on the list until 2 months before his death.

I wrote this to you to share with you that we must make the best of what is handed. While you may not be able to walk on the beach, you may be able to get a small golf cart and ride to one and sit watching the sunsets. There's nothing to stop your dream of a life at a lake. You may obtain some dreams or they may be new dreams that replaced others.

Look around you. Bless yourself and him. Share your love for each other and know that I am here to "talk" with you whenever you need. I loved my Mikey. There's not a day that I don't. While he was sick pushing me away, I was looking for ways his illness could be accommodated with our life's plan of doing things and travelling AFTER THE KIDS GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL. Guess what, he died 9 weeks before my youngest graduated. She was Daddy's little girl What I can say is that we didn't deny ourselves in the 22 years of marriage. We had our vacations and we did travel. There wasn't good china not used, good clothes not worn, things delayed. So while I don't have some dreams fulfilled, there's others that now replace them.

 
Old 12-17-2008, 05:08 PM   #5
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Re: Anyone out there caregiver for seriously injured spouse?

Oh and Sherrim.
While you have stairs, you may want to seek volunteers and/or charities that may help you obtain a motorized cart for him and one of those motorized chairs to go up and down the stairs.

You really should be downstairs with him so he's not sleeping alone. As I said he didn't ask for this and to deny him your companionship because he can't navaigate the stairs, means that you should be on his level.

Shift things around, it'll work believe me. I have faith in you.

Oh and keep a journal or write letters to yourself. When you read them after a time, you'll be able to see how far you've come. I write to my Mikey all the time. I share with him what I've done with the kids, their accomplishments, things with work, things with his family members and things I've done with my boyfriend.

 
Old 12-22-2008, 08:33 PM   #6
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rhales199 HB User
Re: Anyone out there caregiver for seriously injured spouse?

While I can't think of much to say, I want you to know that I understand a little bit of how you're feeling.

While my husband was born with his disability, he was able to walk up until the time he was in a car accident at age 13. He can walk, still, but only with assistance, so he uses a wheelchair most of the time.
This last 1 1/2 years has been even more challenging, because he had a herniated disc in his neck/ back & had surgery late Aug 2007. He has slept on a hospital bed in our living room since June 2007- he still has problems with pain/ muscle tightness in his back (but I think that may be affected by the cold weather, so hopefully come spring we can get rid of the hospital bed.) I know how tough that can be
[just as a side note, I have tried sleeping on the hospital bed w/ him, much as I want to do it, it's not at all comfortable, especailly since I am a tall girl. We have a hide- a bed, but the hospital bed makes it so we can't pull out the hide- a bed (and we live in a 900 sq foot appt, so there's no room anywhere else to put anything), plus I just found out I have Sleep Apnea and sleeping with my mask & machine with him on the hospital bed would be impossible]

We also had a friend who was paralyzed thanks to a drunk driver. we met him years after the accident.

That's all I can think of to say right now, but, as was said before, feel free to keep posting here.... this is a good place to vent... (plus, we wanna know how you're doing...)

 
Old 12-26-2008, 11:01 AM   #7
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Re: Anyone out there caregiver for seriously injured spouse?

Thank you so much for your reply, it means so much to hear a response. You can identify to a great extent, bless you, you must love your husband very much. Christmas was different this year, but I count my blessings. I needed to remind our nearly grown children of them as well. It felt odd to us all not to have space for our christmas tree, but it sounds like you know about that as well. Times are tough.. for everyone now. But this guy who hit my husband was not insured and now he still can not teach his college courses or return to his state position.. well enough of that! Thank you again. Sorry for the delayed response, but I have not had computer connections for over a week. Hope to chat with you again.

Last edited by sherimm2; 12-26-2008 at 11:02 AM.

 
Old 12-27-2008, 06:14 AM   #8
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Re: Anyone out there caregiver for seriously injured spouse?

While the man may not have had insurance, you should still pursue suing him and I hope you will. He must account for his actions, if not, everyone becomes an enabler. If he owns property, they'll attach a judgement against him, if he doesn't he'll go to jail.

However maybe you are in a state where your car insurance kicks in and helps you as well. Its not just your medical coverage that should kick in.

While its difficult, remember the saying "the lord doesn't give you more than you can handle". Prayers and my writings to Mikey help me get through the bad times I have. Communication is the key. Discuss with your husband all the things that come up. While he may not be physically able to do most things, he can still listen and lend guidance but most of all he can continue to give you his love and you have him in person to give him yours.

How lucky are you. When things are tough, God always gives you someone who you will find have it worse.

 
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