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Old 02-12-2009, 09:52 AM   #1
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CaringMom HB User
Useless Father in Law

I know this is typical and so many have it far worse then we do. My MIL suffered a massive heart attack last week, had bypass surgery and is due home today! Found out last night. My husband and I, and his sister and her husband and been extremely busy with visiting mother (40 min away in hospital) and cleaning their home to get ready for this day. Problem; we all work full time plus my husband takes care of his dad's work as he's always got a problem. (We also farm) FIL flat out said he could not take care of his wife when she came home! He's basically self centered, waaay overweight, lazy and a slob. Hate to sound cruel, but it's the truth. We are worried about what is going to happen. We will be there as much as possible but we all have families as well. My MIL is anxious to get home yet we know she is very worried as well. She even told the counselor at the hospital that he will not be able to care for her!! We've decided we'll be taking care of her; and he will have to grow up and take care of himself!! Paying for 24/7 care, even for the 3-4 weeks needed, is not there for us. Do have a bed and chair coming today that was rented from a clinic.
Anyone else been here and done that?
We're all, like many, exhausted beyond our limits and she isn't even home yet!
Plus with a "heart diet" she'll be on, she will also be on a diabetic diet!! We have our work cut out for us there.

 
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Old 02-12-2009, 05:21 PM   #2
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mikeman04 HB User
Re: Useless Father in Law

If it was me, I would step in and say something... given the situation another stress on your MIL coming home would just set it back into a world full of hurt. I have never really been through that, I did for 3 weeks take care of my grandmother before she passed way with Altheimzer's (sp?) and that was because her sister *couldn't make time for her*, so yea.. its a tough road and maybe he should get a lesson in life.

 
Old 02-14-2009, 07:41 PM   #3
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Re: Useless Father in Law

Perhaps it's time for son to say to Dad, "what do you plan on doing for Mom when she comes home from the hospital, dad? You know she is going to need care...and WE AREN'T GOING TO BE HERE 24/7." This is where man to man talk comes into play, not DIL to FIL. Surely your hubby can stand up to his father about this? He needs to do adult talk about taking care of spouses in better or worse. Or Dad needs to have help brought in. Lay it out in no ands ifs or buts.... You might be surprises.

If that doesn't work, then you need to be prepared. Get easy things for lunch that can be plated such as the crackers and cheese with fruit. Do advance things that you can leave by her bed so she can just reach it. Depending how often you can get to her, leave a stack of seek and finds, does she do knitting or crochet? things to keep her hands busy... But stock oo\up on fruits and packs of crackers, p'nut butter and cheese, easy lunch things that she can do, light snacky things....

good luck and beat the old guy over the head!

 
Old 02-18-2009, 12:33 PM   #4
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CaringMom HB User
Re: Useless Father in Law

Thank you. Oh, and believe me, I'm not one to stand back and take crap; neither is my husband.
We were all there over the weekend cooking, cleaning, preparing charts for her meds, blood sugar, BP, liquid intake etc.
I see my SIL going above and beyond her duties but she insists. So while this happens FIL just sits back and lets her do whatever. That's part of the problem; we do too much. I've told SIL to ease back a bit and let her dad do this. He will have to when we don't!
The only thing I've seen him do is get her breakfast, and now this week lunch as we are all back to work.
And believe me, my husband has had plenty to say to his father, and well as his sister has. I got testy with FIL on Sunday and didn't go after work Monday because I knew I'd blow.
I would love to bring MIL to our house and have it off grounds for FIL!! But that's not possible.
Things are somewhat better as she is getting around more and has an appointment tomorrow. Unfortunately, alot of our problems stem from over the years dealing with him. He loves to sit and dictate to everyone.
Hopefully things will only get better! Thanks for letting me vent.
Hey, can you tell I get along with this guy?
Have a good one!

 
Old 02-18-2009, 06:28 PM   #5
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oldcarman HB User
Re: Useless Father in Law

Boy what you say is really the truth.
Some people are what they are.
My FIL and MIL don't come through either. I have called twice in the last 2 months, and begged them to come and help their daughter. On one occasion I called and told them they had better come--because in a few days she probably wouldn't know who they were. But they didn't come.

A leopard doesn't change its spots
And in the end, we do what we do, because we need to do it, for us.

I have stopped calling and giving them updates. I guess that is my way of getting back at them. I just set up a caringbridge page so they can find out if they want to.

At least that way I don't have to deal with the abandonment in the same way.

Good luck in your struggle.
Your not alone

 
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