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-   -   best way to tell your Father he needs to be in a nursing home (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/caregivers/684510-best-way-tell-your-father-he-needs-nursing-home.html)

angela533 04-05-2009 03:31 PM

best way to tell your Father he needs to be in a nursing home
 
how is the best way to tell your Father, he needs to be in a nursing home

hectaffy 04-06-2009 08:38 AM

Re: best way to tell your Father he needs to be in a nursing home
 
Does your Father not have anyone to care for him at home?

Misty800 04-06-2009 02:21 PM

Re: best way to tell your Father he needs to be in a nursing home
 
We may be of more help with answers to a few questions.

How old is your Father.
Is he living alone now?
What health problems does he have.
What is his mental condition?
Is he handicapped, can't walk, etc.
Who is taking care of him now.
Is he able to take bath by himself?
Is he able to fix a bite to eat?
How is his vision? Does he still read, etc.?
How far away do other relatives live?

Pittsburgh_Flye 09-25-2009 01:15 PM

Re: best way to tell your Father he needs to be in a nursing home
 
If the OP doesn't mind, I'm going to ask the same question of people, with answers to the following questions:

How old is your Father.
79

Is he living alone now?
He lives with me, in my home, with my young daughter.

What health problems does he have.
He has recently been diagnosed with lung cancer that has metastasized to the liver and elsewhere.

What is his mental condition?
Not too shabby for his age and condition.

Is he handicapped, can't walk, etc.
No, not yet.

Who is taking care of him now.
He's self-sufficient at this point, but I fear weeks/months/perhaps years down the road he is going to require more care than I can provide for him. We are still waiting for what treatment options for the cancer, if any, are available to him (we have not received the biopsy report yet staging the cancer and exactly which type of lung cancer it is)

Is he able to take bath by himself? Yes, but he doesn't. Despite my constant nagging, he's had but 1 bath in 3 months, I'm sure of it. And disgusted about it.

Is he able to fix a bite to eat? Yes.

How is his vision? Does he still read, etc.? Yes.

How far away do other relatives live? Ha. There are none. Just me. No siblings...nothing but me.

There is going to come a time where I am going to have to broach the subject of his living in an assisted living place and I just don't know how to go about it in a sensitive way, plus, "kicking him out" when he would need me the most kills me; however, I am not suited to work full time, raise a young child, maintain my home and life and be a caregiver. I know I cannot do it.

Any suggestions based on what I've disclosed?

Misty800 09-25-2009 04:21 PM

Re: best way to tell your Father he needs to be in a nursing home
 
Thanks for answers to the questions.

Your dad is still young and able to still do things. Age 79 is not considered old anymore, most are still able bodied folks. This may change soon due to his cancer diagnosis.

Sounds like your dad is able to do most of his care. Don't fret about his not taking a bath, that comes with age or just being lazy. Tell him this is the morning or night for a bath and he can do it by himself or you will bathe him. Designate a schedule for a bath and stick to it. I took my dad in and bathed him from head to toe, he was 98.

I have been a caregiver and know what you mean about not being able to take care of someone else when they become ill.

People with lung cancer do not last very long, maybe a year. My sister had lung cancer and that was about the length of time for her. Since your dad has lung cancer and already in other areas there will come a time in the near future he will need to be in the hospital and then the doctor can have him moved to a nursing home or hospice. This will keep you from being the bad guy. You may want to delay the move for a while and enjoy him as he is for the time being. I lost both my parents a month apart and it is very hard to give them up.

God bless you,

Beegel 10-02-2009 10:56 AM

Re: best way to tell your Father he needs to be in a nursing home
 
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone above, including the OP.

I have a mother who suffered a Subarachnoid Hemorrhage when she was 49. She is now almost 60 and she is back at home. I am kind of going through the same thing... It's very hard to take care of her, because she basically refuses to do anything but watch daytime TV and sleep.

I don't want to put her into a nursing home, especially at such a young age, but I find it extremely hard to take care of her, and she is starting to develop alzheimer-like symptoms.

Anyways.. Reading the above thread helped me understand that others are going thru similar situations and not to give up. I guess it's just part of being a caregiver.

Pittsburgh_Flye 10-02-2009 11:26 AM

Re: best way to tell your Father he needs to be in a nursing home
 
[QUOTE=Misty800;4086499]Thanks for answers to the questions.

Your dad is still young and able to still do things. Age 79 is not considered old anymore, most are still able bodied folks. This may change soon due to his cancer diagnosis.

Sounds like your dad is able to do most of his care. Don't fret about his not taking a bath, that comes with age or just being lazy. Tell him this is the morning or night for a bath and he can do it by himself or you will bathe him. Designate a schedule for a bath and stick to it. I took my dad in and bathed him from head to toe, he was 98.

I have been a caregiver and know what you mean about not being able to take care of someone else when they become ill.

People with lung cancer do not last very long, maybe a year. My sister had lung cancer and that was about the length of time for her. Since your dad has lung cancer and already in other areas there will come a time in the near future he will need to be in the hospital and then the doctor can have him moved to a nursing home or hospice. This will keep you from being the bad guy. You may want to delay the move for a while and enjoy him as he is for the time being. I lost both my parents a month apart and it is very hard to give them up.

God bless you,[/QUOTE]

Thank you for your reply.

We officially got the diagnosis - lung cancer; however, it's attacking his liver more than his lungs (small cell) and the oncologist told me that he's actually shocked he's doing as well as he is given the condition of his liver. Without treatment my dad was only given 2 months to live.

My father has since decided to pursue treatment since the doctor told him this is a lighter form of chemo, completely unlike what my mom had to endure with colon cancer. It's not expected that chemo will "cure" the cancer, rather, buy him some more time in slowing down the ravenous spread. So I'm feeling a little more steady about everything, I guess.

As for bathing him, I am remiss to admit that is simply not an option for me personally. Emotionally I cannot look past the awkwardness of seeing my father naked and bathing him. I cannot be a full on caregiver in that regard. It is something that I have known for a long time and even discussed with my mother in detail, as she was the same way about her father.

I go thru waves of extreme nervousness because of my personal inabilities and fears, as well as not wanting to expose my young daughter to it all. More over, I am the only child, essentially, literally!, his only family and all decisions fall exclusively on me. I will most definitely keep him home as long as he's receiving the best care, etc. But once I feel I am failing him in that I can't provide for his care, I will have to seek other options...it's just going to break my heart to tell him that and fail him as a child and "caregiver," you know?

:(

Misty800 10-03-2009 12:03 PM

Re: best way to tell your Father he needs to be in a nursing home
 
He should be eligible for home nurse & aide visits. Not sure where to check into this other than a hospital's social service. The aide would take care of bathing him.

Pittsburgh_Flye 10-05-2009 07:55 AM

Re: best way to tell your Father he needs to be in a nursing home
 
He starts chemo today and while at the doctor's office I am going to see about getting in-home nursing care to check in on him. It's naive of me to think I can be away from my home as much as I am with him in it and not have someone look in on him now.

We'll start with that and wait to see how things transpire over the next days....weeks...months and make decisions accordingly.

pretzel146 10-08-2009 05:47 AM

Re: best way to tell your Father he needs to be in a nursing home
 
Hi,

If I may offer a couple of suggestions.

First, if you haven't already, please contact your county Area Agency on Aging. They are a great resource for finding the best services available.

Also, look into assisted living facilities over a nursing home. They offer a more independant lifestyle and from what I've read, your father only needs limited help.

Rosaflor 10-24-2009 09:10 PM

Re: best way to tell your Father he needs to be in a nursing home
 
Angela, see if you can get some help from the medical professionals who treat your father. At some point in his diagnosis of cancer, the biopsy etc an oncologist (cancer doctor) may have been involved. He or she deals with this kind of problem all the time; make an appointment to talk with him or her. Also, if a hospital is in any way involved, there will be a social worker on staff. Again, make an appointment. Consultation with family should be covered by medical insurance when it involves the care of a cancer patient. Finally, get in touch with your local chapter of the American Cancer Society. Someone there may be able to help you. Taking solo care of an end-stage cancer patient is an overwhelming job and nobody should expect you to do this on your own. What do they think, that you are Superman and can do 24 hours a day what it takes three shifts of trained nurses to do? There is help out there.


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