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Old 04-10-2009, 10:20 AM   #1
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Ontario
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Advice for my parents...

Hello all,

i'm very glad that healthboards has a caregiver board! i actually need advice for my parents.

here's the situation;

my elderly grandmother has been living with my parents and i since i was 2. even when she was at home she was very demanding, verbally abusive and is convinced that my mother (her daughter-in-law) MUST take care of her. its her job as a woman. (as a side note my mother is a professional who is very respected for her intelligence and skills, so is my dad ) I left home at 18 because she was beginning to make the same demands to me.

Last year she had a major stroke and is unable to walk, relieve herself, cook, etc, without assistance. she spent about 9 months in a nursing home/hospital and has now been transfered to an actually nursing home, which has the best reputation in town.

She is constantly laying "guilt trips" on my parents, especially my dad who is a very sensitive man, and now my parents are not sure what to do. she constantly tells my father he's a bad son and should be ashamed of leaving his mother for "dead" and that his father (who passed away before i was born) would be ashamed as well.

She stopped laying these guilt trips on me because i would simply give her a kiss and leave for the day, refusing to hear it.

I feel so bad for my father!! my parents are very logical and understand that the best place for her to be is somewhere with constant care but my father is still torn up emotionally and my mother is not sure how to counsel him. To top everything off, my grandmother and father both have volatile tempers when emotionally hurt. presently they are not talking to each other as they had a big blow out 3 days ago (my parents visit her everyday).

I'm not sure what to do about this or even which avenues to explore.

I'm sure some one here has been in a similar situation. can anyone help with some advice?

I just want to note here to that for a child, my grandmother was the best one around and i love her very much. i don't want to resent her and don't want my parents to either.

 
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Old 04-10-2009, 04:13 PM   #2
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Location: Burnet, Texas USA
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Re: Advice for my parents...

I am sure many have been where you and your parents are. Some elderly people enjoy making their loved ones miserable by putting guilt trips on them. Your parents must nog allow your grandmother to get away with that.

Your parents should say nothing and walk out when your grandmother starts laying on a guilt trip. Soon she will realize if she does that they will not stick around to be treated like that. There is no way to argue with her, converse with her, or anything else when she does that, all words will fall on deaf ears. You will not be able to reason with her, she has her mind set.

Yes, your grandmother needs to live independent of your parents where she can recieve the care she needs.

No, your parents should not take her back into their home and try to take care of her. I took care of my m-i-l after a major heart attack and thought I was doing the right thing. The stress and strain was too much for me and my health suffered. They usually turn against the person taking care of them and makes life miserable for the caregiver. It is a no win situation.

Your parents have already taken care of her for many years, they have been a great son and daughter-in-law, something your grandfather would be proud of.

There comes a time when children cannot or should not continue to take care of their parents. This is the time for your grandmother to be taken care of by others.

After a stroke I made sure my m-i-l was well cared for in a nursing home, visited her daily, stayed with her in the hospital, etc.

I do have a question. Did your grandmother take care of her own mother or dad in their golden years when they needed care? Most likely she did not, but wants that from her son, something she was not willing to give to her own parents.

Your parents should hold their head high and not feel guilty, they have been very good to your grandmother and will see that she recieves good care in the nursing home.

Tell your dad to keep his cool, losing his temper with his mother, arguing with her, etc. only feeds fuel to the fire. It is not good for you dad either, he needs to stay cool, calm and collected. He should say bye and walk out without another word when his mom starts laying on the guilt.

 
Old 04-10-2009, 04:16 PM   #3
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Re: Advice for my parents...

I am sure many have been where you and your parents are. Some elderly people enjoy making their loved ones miserable by putting guilt trips on them. Your parents must not allow your grandmother to get away with that.

Your parents should say nothing and walk out when your grandmother starts laying on a guilt trip. Soon she will realize if she does that they will not stick around to be treated like that. There is no way to argue with her, converse with her, or anything else when she does that, all words will fall on deaf ears. You will not be able to reason with her, she has her mind set.

Yes, your grandmother needs to live independent of your parents where she can recieve the care she needs.

No, your parents should not take her back into their home and try to take care of her. I took care of my m-i-l after a major heart attack and thought I was doing the right thing. The stress and strain was too much for me and my health suffered. They usually turn against the person taking care of them and makes life miserable for the caregiver. It is a no win situation.

Your parents have already taken care of her for many years, they have been a great son and daughter-in-law, something your grandfather would be proud of.

There comes a time when children cannot or should not continue to take care of their parents. This is the time for your grandmother to be taken care of by others.

After a stroke I made sure my m-i-l was well cared for in a nursing home, visited her daily, stayed with her in the hospital, etc.

I do have a question. Did your grandmother take care of her own mother or dad in their golden years when they needed care? Most likely she did not, but wants that from her son, something she was not willing to give to her own parents.

Your parents should hold their head high and not feel guilty, they have been very good to your grandmother and will see that she recieves good care in the nursing home.

Tell your dad to keep his cool, losing his temper with his mother, arguing with her, etc. only feeds fuel to the fire. It is not good for your dad either, he needs to stay cool, calm and collected. He should say bye and walk out without another word when his mom starts laying on the guilt.

 
Old 04-11-2009, 10:12 AM   #4
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Ontario
Posts: 64
number 81 HB User
Re: Advice for my parents...

Thank you so much Misty! It's nice to know that my family and i are not alone.
I didn't want to admit it but the whole situation puts a lot of stress on me as well.

to answer your question she did take care of her elderly mother...for 2 months! she couldn't take the demands and constant verbal abuse so put her in nursing care. Thats the other thing that drives me crazy. she remembers what it was like to be resentful and feel abused.

I will definitely communicate this to my mom (she knows how to drill information into my dad's head) when she gets back from vacation. i think thats what brought the latest explosion, mom is the logical leader who keeps the peace.

thank you again. i'll be sure to let you know how it goes.

 
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