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Old 06-03-2009, 02:20 PM   #1
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: ireland
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flahers HB User
Feeling so unloved

I feel I just cant handle my nearly 90 year old mam any longer. As an only child growing up she was always in terrible form to me and my dad, everything was on her terms and she would flip at the slightest thing. My dad was such a gentle man and did everything she wanted. She regularly told me I was the devils daughter and much worse, never praised me or liked anyone. Unlike my dad I stood up to her and now wish so much I could turn back the clock cos this made her even worse and my poor dad suffered more.

My dad passed away three years ago and she blames me because I had a row with her a few days before he died, everything that went wrong in her life was my fault and now my husband and I do everything for her. She lives in her own big house and is very fit, can walk two miles a day and no real health issues. She is pessimistic about everything and makes life awkward for us. I feel so stressed and guilty and dont know what to do anymore. I just dont want to be near her, the memories are terrible.

 
Old 06-05-2009, 01:01 PM   #2
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rudiraven HB Userrudiraven HB Userrudiraven HB Userrudiraven HB Userrudiraven HB Userrudiraven HB Userrudiraven HB Userrudiraven HB Userrudiraven HB Userrudiraven HB Userrudiraven HB User
Re: Feeling so unloved

You should not feel guilty. You owe your mother nothing but common decency. Check on her everday, by phone if you can, just to make sure she's well. Any other help she needs can be hired. Other than that, just get on with your life. She is what she is and will never change. You will never please her, so just let it go. I wish you peace

 
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Old 06-10-2009, 11:38 AM   #3
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misty125 HB User
Re: Feeling so unloved

Dear Flahers, Rudiraven is so right in that you have nothing to feel guilty about. You have your own life to live. You and your immediate family are the most important thing right now. Your mam chose her own life to live and she has to live with the repercussions of her own actions, and that includes how she has alienated and literally psychologically abused you. I don't know what types of aid or support groups are available in Ireland for your mam, but are there any groups that offer help with elderly needs? You say she is very fit, so maybe she doesn't need any real help, in which case, you can get on with your life as Rudiraven suggests. Just knowing you have done the best you could in your life should be satisfaction enough for you to move on with peace of mind.

Good luck and hugs,
Misty125

 
Old 06-10-2009, 12:49 PM   #4
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mentalmum08 HB User
Re: Feeling so unloved

First off - What kind of MOTHER dumps that on her child? Certainly not a loving one. My mum is in the end stages of Alzhiemers and she was horrible to me growing up. I'm a 52yr old female, and I still suffer from PTSD due to her cruelty to me. I love her because she is my mother, but as a person I couldn't and wouldn't give her the time of day for quite a long time until I began to heal a bit myself. As I said she is in the last stages of her illness and I help to care for her. You must set boundaries that are acceptable to you and stick to your decisions. Ask yourself a ? Would you treat your child like that? You have to deal with this in a passive non-aggressive sort of way if you can. I hope you reach some clarity on the matter. Your life will be over sometime. Don't waste it pandering to a selfish self-centred, toxic, poisonous old woman. Begin to love yourself. Cherish yourself. It becomes infectious when you become comfortable in your own skin. People notice.

sandra xoxoxo

 
Old 06-11-2009, 05:41 PM   #5
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Re: Feeling so unloved

Beautifully said, Sandra!

Hugs,
Misty125

 
Old 06-19-2009, 11:05 AM   #6
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Re: Feeling so unloved

I had a mother that saw only the horrible in life. Everything was done to her by someone. She would lie and then say I'm a Mom, as if that excused things.

She was my physical abuser, she would emotionally, physically and mentally abuse me. She always hid things and then when she couldn't find them, I took them, I hid them on her, etc.

She'd wake me up at 2 o'clock in the morning by pulling my hair and screaming at me to dust the stairs because there was a layer of dust on them.

I ended up (through no choice of my own), living in the apartment my parents had within their duplex. I paid them rent each and every month but it wasn't what a stranger would've paid, nevertheless, it was paid each and every month.

My mother ended up with dementia. There was little I wanted to do to help in her care. Each time I put my hands on her, I visualized doing to her some of the things she did to me, and I was afraid, so I stayed away for the most part.

People say, if you felt that way and it was that bad with your Mom, why did you live next door? I said, I was a tenant and I came and went on my own terms. I didn't have to go into their house or by their door if I didn't want to. My mother was given respect only because she gave me life when she certainly didn't have to, especially at the time I was born -- but that's it.
Because it was 2 years after she almost died in a car accident and she healed from broken pelvis, etc. She hated me for the pain I guess I caused her by her carrying me all 9 months.

I try to live my life not being critical of my kids. I may make comments about something they did or didn't do but I never state it in such as way as making it about them.

I also had rules where their discipline couldn't be with anything other than an open hand on the butt -- no face slapping, hair pulling, no using words such as idiot, stupid, dumb, retard. No paddles, shoes, cords, belts, hangers or anything could be used to hit them with. It was more time out and an occasional spanking. That was my form of discipline.

So, you have a right and all our permission to walk away from your mother. Make a wonderful life with husband with no regrets. Something needs to be fixed at her house, tell her to call the appropriate person; i.e, plumber, electrician, gardner, etc.

No one can make you feel bad except yourself. You give the other person too much power when you let them get to you. I make sure my daughter dumps all her friends who are high-maintenance friends -- her Dad died at 48 and if it taught me anything, it was "life is too short!"

 
Old 06-19-2009, 11:30 AM   #7
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Re: Feeling so unloved

I guess I don't understand why you are doing everything for her if she is fit and can do things for herself? Or even if she wasn't fit... Just because she gave birth to you doesn't mean you owe her anything. I'm sorry your dad died but he put up with your mom's temper and he also allowed her to be mean to you all those years and he had it within his power to change things for you. I understand your dad was a gentle man but he didn't stop the abuse either so he was responsible for your abuse as well. The time to stop the abuse is now stay away from her...Good luck.

 
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