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Old 08-12-2009, 09:43 AM   #1
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amordh HB User
Marriage trouble due to MS

Is anyone feeling like their always getting blamed because of having MS? I feel like I am always the scape goat for anything that isn't going my husbands way. Instead of him looking at the bright side (I am still functioning and working although part time, taking care of the house 3 kids) he is completely got the poor mes. I feel like I am being held hostage due to his mental bullying and allowing his family to interfere with our family. He has completely shut me out. Why is he staying with me? I say guilt-doesn't want to have anyone look at him and say he left his sick wife. I think I would be better off mentally without him. Although I am scared. I did get him to agree to sign up with me for a relationship workshop in Sept. I want to go to a marital counselor now who has experience with MS. Does anyone have any experience or input? I would greatly appreciate your thoughts.

 
Old 08-12-2009, 10:47 AM   #2
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mitch512u HB User
Re: Marriage trouble due to MS

amordh,
I can't imagine having a partner who is not supportive. I am blessed with a wife who is incredibly understanding. It sounds like you are on the right path with the workshop and all. Curious, how long have you been dx'd? If it hasn't been all that long perhaps your husband needs more time to adjust to this new reality. I hope the best for you and your family during these trying times.
Neil
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"I'm afraid I'm a little rusty yet." Tinman in the Wizard of Oz
Dx'd RRMS Oct.,2005

 
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Old 08-12-2009, 12:07 PM   #3
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MSJayhawk HB UserMSJayhawk HB UserMSJayhawk HB UserMSJayhawk HB UserMSJayhawk HB UserMSJayhawk HB UserMSJayhawk HB UserMSJayhawk HB UserMSJayhawk HB UserMSJayhawk HB UserMSJayhawk HB User
Re: Marriage trouble due to MS

If you do not mind another male opinion, I shall offer you mine. When growing up, guys were/are told to "act like a man"- meaning to stifle emotional displays. Guys, generally, are not verbal nor emotional creatures. Marital/Relationship workshops might help, but they could also backfire.

I would check with the local MS Association or Society about MS Family gatherings. In such a setting, your husband might be able to find the outlet he needs among other "men". Right now I think he is scared and unsure of what the future holds. My wife goes through this, especially when I am having my worst days.

Maybe your husband can get online with this board or other boards. Also, let him know that you are fine and you appreciate his support. Tell him that you do not have a fatal disease and when the day comes that you need to delegate chores, you will let him know. If you have your own pity party, he is sure to invite himself along at this time- something you do not need.

If your "ducks are in order", then he should feel more at ease. Guys are mostly fact and number driven. Leave the emotions aside and deal with facts. This will assure that your husband will not tune you out. Are their things you can do to make your home more livable? Disabled friendly lever doors, etc? These are home projects that might appeal to your husbands male spirit.

Be assured, I am keeping you in my prayers. Stay positive!!!
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Old 08-12-2009, 12:20 PM   #4
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MSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB User
Re: Marriage trouble due to MS

Hi there. Im also in NJ...maybe its in the water?? At one point, I also had similar feelings and problems with my husband. I did try the MS workshops, we even had the family go to a weekend "summer camp" for MSers...BIG MISTAKE! My kids saw worst case scenarios, which they werent ready to see. It scared the heck out of them. I would never take my kids to something MS related again, not unless my situation changes and makes me disabled or dependent on others.

My husband didnt change his feelings one way or another by being there.

We did start counseling- and during that time, I was able to talk to the counselor IN FRONT of him, stating my own fears of being left, and how my disease made me feel. In doing so, he started to see another side of things. We didnt go to counseling long, only about 8 times....but one thing we did get out of it, was a chance for us both to vent our frustrations about how this disease affected BOTH of us. And, i think thats key. Your husband might be scared and unsure of what is ahead....but is he really considering how YOU are feeling?

If this marriage is worth saving, you both have to make a committment towards working on it...from your post, you dont sound committed at this point, but I do know, that can change from day to day. In the meantime, you have to find your own strength, whether that means alone, or with him....it might mean you getting some counseling for yourself along with him...and figure out where you think this is going. You have a life together, and it certainly isnt imaginable at this time to think that it might not be forever- but "for better or for worse" means something....only you guys can decide what it means.
Good luck to you. I will tell you, that I have now been dx for 4 years, and it was only in the first year that things were really bad.....now, we are able to communicate much better and things are mostly on track. So, if its worth it, hang in there....not all marriages dissolve over this.
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Old 08-12-2009, 02:29 PM   #5
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amordh HB User
Re: Marriage trouble due to MS

Thank you all for your insights. I have been dx'd since Julty 2006. It has been a hard adjustment. My siblings have abandoned me and my inlaws are pretty negative. I am just hoping that someone will take the time to truly educate themselves about my situation.
Nikki-my kids just got back from their 3rd year of MS kids camp-they love it and we have gone to several other family events and they saw people in wheel chairs, but they also saw families sharing in these events together.
Jayhawk-my husband is still working on house projects from BMS (before I was dx'd with MS) But thanks for the suggestion.
I guess I just really needed to vent-Thanks

 
Old 08-19-2009, 09:11 AM   #6
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AntibioticMSer HB User
Re: Marriage trouble due to MS

I'm a husband caregiver and I'm fully supportive of my wife who has had MS more than half her life. It is possible, but it's not about the MS at all. It's about marriage and communication. MS is just an environment like having an argument in the car, the car is an environment, it's not the cars fault you had an argument, even if it was about the car.

Your issue is marriage and the communication and mutual support that marriage is by definition. It's not just implied, marriage is to marry is marriage, it is self defining. If your husband don't see it this way, then he wants you there for his convienience, but doesn't want to be pledged as half of a remarkable and wonderful relationship.

second problem is he don't see it.

He may not want to. Seeing is would conflict with his enjoyment of his life. He likes life as it is, why should he desire to change? To make you happier? Re-read the top again, he's not behaving in a way that says this matters to him. I'm harsh, but pretending to have a marriage is harsh on you when the other half isn't participating.

He's going to blame you. People in denial are like that. You need to step back and put all the options on the table. Don't belittle him, it will shut him out. Ou need to figure out how to approach him as an adult and get the grown up in there to agree to counselling. Don't get the child to agree, you'll have a bad time with it. When you take his child in to the psychologist, he'll say, "She has this problem, why do I have to be here?" and then the psychologist will come up with some reason that's completely non-threatening to him in order to hope he continues to show up. But, the problem is it all reinforces his view. You have work to do. Be Strong. good luck. Ken

 
Old 08-19-2009, 10:30 AM   #7
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amordh HB User
Re: Marriage trouble due to MS

Thanks Ken-Your reply showed me that someone does get it-FINALLY!!!!! You are right on the money, just my opinion for what it's worth :-) Thank You again for your encouragement.

 
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