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Old 10-11-2009, 09:44 AM   #1
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CAT09 HB User
Caregiver living with a bully, really needs advice

I have been a caregiver to my parents for about 6 years, my father is in the last stages of Alzheimer so he is now in a nursing home.I take care of everything basically all my mother's needs and make decisions for my parents health and finances. My parents pay the cost of living for me, since I cant get a job because my mother is handicap and needs me here most of the time. My sister lives with us and her 4 kids. For many years now I have been the babysitter for her, I washed everyone's clothes, cooked for everyone,cleaned everything I even basically raised her kids while she was a drug addict when her kids where little and I was a teen. She is now clean and she works and is basically free to walk out of the house whenever she pleases, but here is the thing She doesn't pay rent, any utilities, food,she literally doesn't pay anything, my parents always have. She has a really good job and most of her check goes to buying material things. If I were to ask her for a ride to my father's nursing home I would have to pay her gas. She lives here rarely interacting with my mother ever literally not speaking to her for months or hardly ever visits my father at the home. And as a caregiver to basically everyone even her kids, I feel that I am getting depressed almost suicidal, and watching my father who I was very closed get worse I am very very affected. I have been sitting here for years (most of my life) talking care of everyone while feeling my own health, physical and metal health get worse. Here is what I need advice with... What can I do? I finally smarten up and said no more to my sister. But now I am living with a bully, she literally yells at me, fights with me for everything. She now sees that I have a Boyfriend and things only got worse!! I feel like I am in a very sensitive emotional state that I can't handle the yelling, the moment she starts I start sobbing and shaking severely and ask her to leave me alone but that only seems to make her more powerful. After she gets home from I literally lock myself in my room for many hours so that I can avoid her making it hard for me to look after my mother. She is very unreasonable and always has to win. But I feel she doesn't have say over me. I asked my other siblings and to help and no one does they rather keep to themselves and know a fight with her can't be won. My mother isn't so well mentally but does prefer my sister. I feel I should at least get some support by my family since I am watching over OUR parents. But now...I feel even more lost, depressed, nervous because I did something else... I am literally walking away from this house on Tuesday because my boyfriend rented an apartment for us I am now going to walk away from my family and it hurts me even more because I wanted to be with my father till the end. I am walking away from my parents and don't know if she'll take over their needs and also when I started watching over my parents they were in 250,000 dollar debt but 4 years ago we moved and were able to pay my new parent's home cash. I am walking away knowing after everything she did to my parents past and present...she will keep their home with no rent,a car that's payed off , monthly pay check making her have 2,320 more monthly. What should I do to feel better? I am literally distraught about abandoning family with out their knowledge but I know this is the best decision for me

 
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Old 11-02-2009, 11:36 AM   #2
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Pittsburgh_Flye HB UserPittsburgh_Flye HB User
Re: Caregiver living with a bully, really needs advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by CAT09 View Post
I am literally walking away from this house on Tuesday because my boyfriend rented an apartment for us I am now going to walk away from my family and it hurts me even more because I wanted to be with my father till the end. I am walking away from my parents and don't know if she'll take over their needs and also when I started watching over my parents they were in 250,000 dollar debt but 4 years ago we moved and were able to pay my new parent's home cash. I am walking away knowing after everything she did to my parents past and present...she will keep their home with no rent,a car that's payed off , monthly pay check making her have 2,320 more monthly. What should I do to feel better? I am literally distraught about abandoning family with out their knowledge but I know this is the best decision for me
From what you've written, it almost sounds like you have no other choice for your OWN overall well-being BUT to walk away. It sounds as though you have tried your best for as long as you can to take care of your parent(s) but your adult sister's behavior is horrid, and for how long are you going endure such mental (and physical) anguish and not get any support? I feel for your position in that you feel like you are abandoning everything but just because you are living somewhere else, that doesn't mean that you are giving up your responsibility. In fact, you are in an abusive relationship with your sister that you HAVE to STOP for your own well-being. Shame on the rest of your family for not supporting you against your bullying sister given all that you are trying to do for your parents AND her AND HER KIDS! Wow. I don't think there is any amount of money that I could get to endure that day after day.

Are you legally responsible for their (your parents) finances? Because I can't imagine why she would just be able to come in on their money, car, home, etc. just because you don't physically live in their home anymore? With your father in a home and your mom handicapped, I would think your parents are still completely entitled to that money for their needs, unless they otherwise CHOOSE to hand it over to her? She just doesn't get access to everything merely because you no longer physically reside with them, unless there is some agreement stating so that you've not mentioned...??

 
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