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-   -   How do I tell them? (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/caregivers/721149-how-do-i-tell-them.html)

jackerella 11-06-2009 10:47 AM

How do I tell them?
 
Hello all :wave: I am new here and am thankful to have found this forum. I am 44 and I am full time, live in caregiver to my elderly parents (87 & 86) for 7 years now...and also to my 13 year old daughter who has significant developmental delay and autism.

My husband left me two years ago and I have since been dating a wonderful man for about 8 months now. He is getting a job out of town and we have talked about getting married and me going with him of course.

My parents are financing the house we live in which is upside down and they have about 30,000 in cd's and get about 2000.00 per month in ssi and retirement income.

I have nothing but debt..not even a car. the car I drive belongs to my dad.

The arrangement we have had has been me being their caregiver in exchange for a place for me and my daughter to live. Now that I have a chance to have a husband and life of my own again I really want to take it.

I know they will be beyond devastated to know that I will be moving away and they will have to have another caregiver but their is no way they can afford to pay for one to come to the house. So, will they have to go into assisted living? They both have multiple diseases and use walkers and are barely ambulatory.

I am so overwhelmed with this job and have been for years now. How do I help them transition to another type of care? I have other siblings but they live far away and are not in much better health themselves.

Is it okay to feel like I have done my share and now someone else should take the burden from me so I can have a husband and home of my own?

Any insights, advice, or scoldings welcome.;)

Thanks!

rosequartz 11-06-2009 11:03 AM

Re: How do I tell them?
 
I wouldn't turn my back on them at this stage in the game.....
8 months with a BF is not enough time to make a decision to move and get married. Why can't he get a job here and allow you to still care for them?
you're giving up everything for this man......I wonder if he'd turn his back on his parents for you.....and if he did, I'd have to wonder how good of a man he really was.....
the only other thing i can think of is to enlist the help of your siblings.....they should be pulling their weight in this situation too.
if assisted living is what's best for your parents, ok.....but I wonder if you're thinking of what's best for them at this point, or just what's best for you.
sorry if that's harsh, but you wouldn't be thinking of doing this if it wasn't for this man......and he may not turn out to be the prince you think he is after only 8 months......
also you have nothing but debt.....so you're going to be 100% dependent on your new husband? that doesn't sound healthy.....
I think you're looking for him to rescue you......again not healthy

jackerella 11-06-2009 11:38 AM

Re: How do I tell them?
 
[QUOTE=rosequartz;4117274]I wouldn't turn my back on them at this stage in the game.....
8 months with a BF is not enough time to make a decision to move and get married. Why can't he get a job here and allow you to still care for them?
you're giving up everything for this man......I wonder if he'd turn his back on his parents for you.....and if he did, I'd have to wonder how good of a man he really was.....
the only other thing i can think of is to enlist the help of your siblings.....they should be pulling their weight in this situation too.
if assisted living is what's best for your parents, ok.....but I wonder if you're thinking of what's best for them at this point, or just what's best for you.
sorry if that's harsh, but you wouldn't be thinking of doing this if it wasn't for this man......and he may not turn out to be the prince you think he is after only 8 months......
also you have nothing but debt.....so you're going to be 100% dependent on your new husband? that doesn't sound healthy.....
I think you're looking for him to rescue you......again not healthy[/QUOTE]

I get what you're saying. I AM thinking about what's best for me more than what's best for them...1st time in 7 years. Is there a compromise situation? My BF would definitely stay here and work if he could believe me. He has family here he would just as soon not leave.

Being that he HAS to relocate and we are in love I see it more as wanting to share and build a life with someone I love, more than to be rescued...although I can see how it would look that way.

Once I am not a full time caregiver I would be able to get a job and therefore not be 100% dependent on anyone...not my m.o.

rosequartz 11-06-2009 12:37 PM

Re: How do I tell them?
 
how far is he re-locating? can you do a long-distance relationship for a while? You don't know how long your parents have, but if he REALLY loves you he will realize this and realize it won't be like this forever. Your parents have saved you by providing you a roof for you and your daughter when you had nowhere else to turn. And how do you know how well this will work? will he accept your daughter and her disability? I think you're jumping at this chance because it's here, and what I'm saying to you is......if it's so great it will STILL be there.....
I wouldn't do it at this point.

jackerella 11-06-2009 12:55 PM

Re: How do I tell them?
 
He is going to be on the east coast...so just about as far away as you can get.

I was taking care of my parents while maintaining a separate home before they became in need of live in type care. I had a husband and 3 daughters in school. I worked full time and took days off to take my parents to the doctor. I came home after work and made enough dinner for them too and drove it over to their house.

My husband and I were working but we did not make enough to buy a big enough house where we all could live..parents and all. My mother said she will buy a house that is big enough if we will live there and I could take care of them. Since I was running myself ragged trying to maintain a job and two households I thought it would be a good idea.

After a few years my husband turned to drugs and turned our financial situation into a nightmare. I divorced him and he left.

The years have just been passing by and the burden has become so much more than I could have imagined. I know they may not have much time left but there are no guarantees for any of us.

Thank you for your reply rosequartz...you have given me much to consider.

rosequartz 11-06-2009 01:08 PM

Re: How do I tell them?
 
well it sounds like you really have helped them and I know you feel like you got the short end of the stick. Have you asked them what they'd think of going into an assisted living facility? Maybe they might not think it's a bad idea and they might like it and being able to socialize. If they like the idea, i think it's a win-win situation, and you're off the hook, guilt-wise. What about your siblings, how much are they willing to help? I don't want to make you feel bad, I just know men don't always turn out how we think they will, but our parents are always our parents. It just reminds me of an old boyfriend I had for a short time, who didn't like/was jealous of my 14 year old dog. He kept wanting me to love him more than the dog. He didn't want the dog to sleep in bed with us and I told him i wasn't kicking him out after all this time because he wouldn't understand. I told him he should realize that the dog won't live forever and if he really loved me he would understand how important he was to me, but he didn't. Needless to say the BF is history, I dumped him and the dog lived 3 more months and I was so happy that I had that 3 months with him. If the BF was smart he would have just kept his mouth shut, but he wasn't....and that's a whole nother story. You might wonder why I'm relating the two but it's just something to think about. Is your boyfriend pressuring you to do this?

jackerella 11-06-2009 01:31 PM

Re: How do I tell them?
 
Oh no...my BF is not pressuring. He feels his own sense of guilt because he loves me and wants me to be his wife, but knows that my parents are dependent on me. He really is a kind hearted man...very loving and thoughtful. Sigh...I'm sort of heartsick about the whole situation.

I think my dad is just about ready for a nursing home anyway...he has dementia that is getting worse and he is not able to bathe himself very well. He won't let me help him so my mom tries best she can.

I hear you about the dog. I love my cat so much..all animals really! You BF shouldn't have been so hard on you about the dog. I think you kicked the right one out of bed...LOL!

Thank you so much for talking w/me about this...I really do appreciate it!

rosequartz 11-06-2009 01:37 PM

Re: How do I tell them?
 
well if your dad is really ready for a nursing home, then I think it's a good idea, for everyone involved. Can you talk to him and stress that it's for his own good and this way you know he will have round the clock care, etc. Maybe find one that they can both be in together in the same room or something? If they're willing to do that, I really think that's the best way to go. Is there a social service worker that may be able to help you discuss it with them?

jackerella 11-07-2009 08:27 AM

Re: How do I tell them?
 
I think I will arrange to have a senior placement person speak with us about their options. I am starting to think that it is too much responsibility for one person to handle. Even if I was not involved with someone, I am beginning to feel less and less like I am able to care for them the way they really need...bathing and dressing, hygiene...those types of issues.

They are just so used to me taking care of everything, and my mother has a way to make me feel guilty...even if I just want a night or weekend away.

Thanks again for your concern and sharing your thoughts. :)

rosequartz 11-07-2009 09:08 PM

Re: How do I tell them?
 
well don't let your mom lay a guilt trip.
you're probably right, it sounds like too much for one person, especially if dementia is starting. It's for their own safety. Tell your mom that if she tries to make you feel guilty.


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