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wishingitover 04-03-2010 10:19 AM

Looking for input from outsiders....
 
Hi, I'm new here, just looking for opinions.
My boyfriend of 7 years was diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer just before the thanksgiving holiday. Ours has always been a rocky relationship, but I truly love him and was committed to seeing him through this. So I became the automatic caregiver to him.
I am a single mother of 4, and he came to stay with me for his first surgery, a tonsillectomy from which he was diagnosed, so that I could take care of him. He has been living with me ever since.
I went to every doctor's appointment, including 7 weeks of daily radiation and 3 chemo treatments, every scan, x-ray, hospitalization, etc. I did my best to care for him (along with my children). I handled tube feedings, medications, hygiene, cleaned up vomit, etc, etc, etc. Throat cancer is a nasty beast. I basically haven't left his side for the past 5 months, completely putting my life on hold to care for him - with the exception of going to my childrens' activities.
I also lost my job during the course of this. We had never discussed money. He has been receiving short term disability, and will be receiving social security disability soon. He basically had all the utilities at his own house shut off, and he has no mortgage on his house. He hasn't given me any money towards my bills in this time period, but he has greatly contributed to an increase in them. He has to have the television on 24 hours a day, constantly turns the heat up because of the chills, takes long showers and I do all of his laundry now. A few times, he gave me a few dollars when I didn't have cash and my kids needed money, but that's it. He goes grocery shopping with me and puts things in the cart, then disappears when I get to the register to pay.
I let all of this go because of the cancer. He wasn't feeling well and was going through intense treatments, but now treatments are done, and he is starting to recovery slowly.
He is now feeling better, and it seems that all he does is complain about me, my kids and my house. It has been very uncomfortable for me trying to keep everyone happy. He feels my kids make too much noise, my kids resent him monopolizing our television all the time. It's been a nightmare all around for me.
He never wants me to leave his side for any reason, and now - when I do, he has been getting dressed and running out himself. He never leaves a note, or tells me where he is going. But when I am around, he is too tired to make himself food or use his feeding tube.
I'm starting to feel controlled and manipulated.
I stopped off to talk to some friends last night, as I am very stressed because my brother is hospitalized, detoxing. He hasn't spoken to me since I got home last night, and today, packed a bag with some of his things, and left.
I think he is just putting some winter clothing back at his house, but I can't be sure. I'm assuming once he feels better, he will leave my house and go back to his. This has me feeling used!
I'm just wondering if anyone has been through anything similar. I don't want to ask him to leave with the cancer diagnoses hanging over his head, so I am trying to get through until he is cleared of the cancer. The scary part is, he may not be cleared - this may have only been round 1. I just am emotionally drained and mentally exhausted and I feel like the way he is treating me is wrong.
I don't expect things to be the same in the relationship, I am simply the nurse now. But I hate being treated like the hired help, and I am sinking financially.
His family checks in here and there, but they lost another brother to cancer at a young age and don't really seem to be able to handle this.
I also have some health issues of my own, a spot on my uterus that isn't going away so I need to schedule a D&C with biopsy. Who has time?? My boyfriend brushed it off and told me it wasn't even a real surgery.
Help! Any advice would be appreciated....looking for an unbiased opinion from someone who doesn't know us personally. (I actually feel guilty because it feels so good to vent)

Janaly 04-03-2010 02:05 PM

Re: Looking for input from outsiders....
 
[QUOTE=wishingitover;4218317]Hi, I'm new here, just looking for opinions.
My boyfriend of 7 years was diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer just before the thanksgiving holiday. Ours has always been a rocky relationship, but I truly love him and was committed to seeing him through this. So I became the automatic caregiver to him.
I am a single mother of 4, and he came to stay with me for his first surgery, a tonsillectomy from which he was diagnosed, so that I could take care of him. He has been living with me ever since.
I went to every doctor's appointment, including 7 weeks of daily radiation and 3 chemo treatments, every scan, x-ray, hospitalization, etc. I did my best to care for him (along with my children). I handled tube feedings, medications, hygiene, cleaned up vomit, etc, etc, etc. Throat cancer is a nasty beast. I basically haven't left his side for the past 5 months, completely putting my life on hold to care for him - with the exception of going to my childrens' activities.
I also lost my job during the course of this. We had never discussed money. He has been receiving short term disability, and will be receiving social security disability soon. He basically had all the utilities at his own house shut off, and he has no mortgage on his house. He hasn't given me any money towards my bills in this time period, but he has greatly contributed to an increase in them. He has to have the television on 24 hours a day, constantly turns the heat up because of the chills, takes long showers and I do all of his laundry now. A few times, he gave me a few dollars when I didn't have cash and my kids needed money, but that's it. He goes grocery shopping with me and puts things in the cart, then disappears when I get to the register to pay.
I let all of this go because of the cancer. He wasn't feeling well and was going through intense treatments, but now treatments are done, and he is starting to recovery slowly.
He is now feeling better, and it seems that all he does is complain about me, my kids and my house. It has been very uncomfortable for me trying to keep everyone happy. He feels my kids make too much noise, my kids resent him monopolizing our television all the time. It's been a nightmare all around for me.
He never wants me to leave his side for any reason, and now - when I do, he has been getting dressed and running out himself. He never leaves a note, or tells me where he is going. But when I am around, he is too tired to make himself food or use his feeding tube.
I'm starting to feel controlled and manipulated.
I stopped off to talk to some friends last night, as I am very stressed because my brother is hospitalized, detoxing. He hasn't spoken to me since I got home last night, and today, packed a bag with some of his things, and left.
I think he is just putting some winter clothing back at his house, but I can't be sure. I'm assuming once he feels better, he will leave my house and go back to his. This has me feeling used!
I'm just wondering if anyone has been through anything similar. I don't want to ask him to leave with the cancer diagnoses hanging over his head, so I am trying to get through until he is cleared of the cancer. The scary part is, he may not be cleared - this may have only been round 1. I just am emotionally drained and mentally exhausted and I feel like the way he is treating me is wrong.
I don't expect things to be the same in the relationship, I am simply the nurse now. But I hate being treated like the hired help, and I am sinking financially.
His family checks in here and there, but they lost another brother to cancer at a young age and don't really seem to be able to handle this.
I also have some health issues of my own, a spot on my uterus that isn't going away so I need to schedule a D&C with biopsy. Who has time?? My boyfriend brushed it off and told me it wasn't even a real surgery.
Help! Any advice would be appreciated....looking for an unbiased opinion from someone who doesn't know us personally. (I actually feel guilty because it feels so good to vent)[/QUOTE]

****

You are an obviously amazing woman! Compassionate, giving, caring
and attentive to your spouse beyond so much aren't you. I applaud
you and your loving heart! I have a heart and giving nature so seem
inly similar to yours.

You are a gift and not hired help. With more "heart to hearts" with your
spouse; some bounderies perhaps need to be readdressed so he clearly
understands what your concerns and needs are. Gosh so easy to say
but not so easily done right.

Feels great to vent in a safe place doesn't it!

Hugs to you and understanding,

More later,

Janaly

p.s I am not just throwing fluff your way I want you to know but
people like yourself are such a gift.

ibake&pray 04-05-2010 11:44 AM

Re: Looking for input from outsiders....
 
[COLOR="Navy"]I would suggest that you all move to his house so he can pay the bills. If he tells you that that is unrealistic, then tell him you need hep with the bills because of the extra expense that he has caused. You offered to take care of him, not pay all his bills and feed him and keep him warm.

It's one thing to help someone when they are down and out, it's another thing to be taken advantage of on a daily basis because he is cheap...You are being taken advantage of and it's just not fair. You need to take a deep breath and stand straight up and tell him firmly but kindly that the free ride is over. He is welcome to stay, but he must pay.[/COLOR]

sickofpain2 04-07-2010 04:41 AM

Re: Looking for input from outsiders....
 
You are an angel on earth! It is time to focus on you and your own children. He is your boyfriend and does sound like he is using you.
Maybe you should suggest he move back to his own home and you start living your life again. I assume you are getting unemployment--I would also seek assistance with whatever you can to make it work for you and YOUR children.
You said your relationship was rocky to begin with and sounds like that has worsened.
It is time to stand up and take charge of your life--may be hard, but if you can go through what you have over last several months--you can do anything!

Hugs to you!

renko 04-15-2010 12:54 PM

Re: Looking for input from outsiders....
 
Hi,
I just read your post and I agree with everyone about setting boundaries, showing respect for yourself and your children and not allowing this man to be a victim anymore. He needs to take responsibility and allow you to be all you can become. You have a giving heart and have done a lot for him and he should show respect and appreciation. I was married to someone who was controlling and didn't respect my giving spirit and then I had three sons and I couldn't take his critical spirit and controlling nature and I got away from him. Unfortunately, I didn't have a good job and he did and I had to give my children to him after a year of trying. Do what is right for you and your children and ask for help from social services, find employment and find yourself again. I was worried if I left my husband no one would take care of him but the next day he had another woman in his life and many others after taking care of all his needs. You also need friends, family and good support to help you choose another way to live. You can do it and you and your children can hold your heads up high and go forward. Take care and God bless you.

renko 04-16-2010 07:15 AM

Re: Looking for input from outsiders....
 
Hi,
How are you doing with everything? I wanted to tell you yesterday that I sympathize with your boyfriend's situation because I have had breast and bladder cancer and am a survivor but not a victim. I tried to go to work when I had just had my chemotherapy and dragged myself to work but by noon being around others really helped me not feel sorry for myself and I got stronger. So I wanted you to know that people as they get stronger can get help and appreciate those who help them in life. Be good to yourself and your children and find support to help you be assertive and set boundaries. Have a great weekend.

flybye33 05-24-2010 12:30 PM

Re: Looking for input from outsiders....
 
Im not going through the same medical issues you are, but i can relate to you feelings. Im taking care of my grandma. she had a stoke christmas of last year. My grandma gave me power of attorney. Every since my fam found this out they deserted us. I currenty have my grandma at home and my wife or so called is here with me. we moved in to help grandma out and she doesnt help me with anything. She leaves on the weekends and doesnt return home till late sun afternoon. Thats getting really old. We moved here as a fam and as a couple to take care of grandma. She doenst pay any bills here. i pay everything. The bad part about that is she makes good money. As you i have a deep love for her and put up with a lot. But there comes a time where what ever is going on or what may be expected. Its time to let them go. as much as it hurts or as bad as it seems... its time. My mom told me a saying the other day. You thing you have it bad just look around the world and see whats really going on. Its one thing to take care of a loved one but its another to take advantage of a so called love one. I feel like you are being taken advantage of as i am. And your completley right its nice to vent!! Im currently leaving my wife and taking care of grandma on my own and im loving it. My advise is to... Take care of yourself and your babies and let what may be. You have put yourself on hold for someone who doesnt appritiate you and its time to move on.


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