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Old 12-11-2010, 07:41 AM   #1
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Dying Inside and Outside (long, graphic)

I dont know why I'm here or what I want from this, I guess I'm drowning and I'm throwing a rope out hoping for the one response that will save me. I take care of my 93 yr old mom. My history with her is sketchy. She was alternately mentally abusive to me/always there for me (if that makes any sense). She always made me feel worthless and that I'd never amount to anything. And what a surprise, she was right. Oh I have a good paying job with the Post Office, but that's not what I wanted from my life. She helped kill my dream, but that's another rant.

ANYWAY...I barely have the strength to write this but I have to. I moved in with my mom 5 yrs ago when she was diagnosed with dementia. The carrot was that when she died, my 2 sisters and brother would waive their interest in her house (which is paid for) and cede it to me.

Good deal, right? I had no idea what I was walking into. She has deteriorated to the point where she can barely get around. She cant walk anymore. She cant control her colon. She sometimes has the strength to change herself, but usually not. She tries anyway, making the mess worse. I'm knee deep in feces and urine, I'm almost living in a biohazard zone. I cope by abusing prescription pain killers even tho I'm a cardiac patient. My wife of 22 years and I live apart as she has been caring for her ailing mother. All I do is work and then cook and then clean up the crap mess and clean her up and wash the horrid aftermath in her clothes and clean the crap off the floor and whereever else it may be and pop some more pills, etc etc. I'm witnessing the slow death of the end-of-life cycle and it's ripping me up inside. My Mom is home where she wants to be, she doesnt want to go into a home. My siblings are living their lives unimpeded by all this. I, meanwhile, am trying to take good care of the person who destroyed my spirit.

It's killing me. I'm losing my ability and will to cope. So any suggestions other than the standard cookie cutter responses I expect to get? I'm not going to rehab, and I'm not calling some f'n elder care organization, they're useless. I just need to be talked off the ledge. Thanks, sorry for the length.

-dA-

 
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Old 12-11-2010, 09:20 AM   #2
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Re: Dying Inside and Outside (long, graphic)

Since there is little that you can do right now, your only choice is to persevere as well as you can. Think of things that might make your awful burden a little better..... air refreshioners, music, facemask, nose plugs?

Thinking of it in cold terms...... your efforts are really an investment in your future. Your ordeal will all be over in the near future, and then you will have a paid-off house for the rest of your life, which will be of benefit to you while you try to get rid of your addiction to prescription pain pills.
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Last edited by Machaon; 12-11-2010 at 09:21 AM.

 
Old 12-11-2010, 09:51 AM   #3
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Re: Dying Inside and Outside (long, graphic)

Your life at the moment sounds truly ghastly. The thing to do is to keep the future rewards in mind. Not so much the house, but the memory you will have of your honorable devotion to caring for your parent. Those of us who are conscientious about stepping up to the mark, and doing our best may have a hard time of it, but we can certainly build up good karma and deserve to be proud. I often wish I could drop my bundle, yet I know i never will. It is a cliche, but somehow that final bit of strength to carry you through seems to pop up and keep you going. Hang in there, it can't be forever. Sera

 
Old 12-11-2010, 08:03 PM   #4
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Re: Dying Inside and Outside (long, graphic)

Thanks for the responses you guys. I sense that you "get it". I think the hardest part is that even tho I'm doing this she's never gonna tell me she's sorry for how she made me feel, and I KNOW that she knows what she did. Meh, guess I'm just gonna have to find a way to deal with it.

 
Old 12-11-2010, 08:29 PM   #5
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Re: Dying Inside and Outside (long, graphic)

Unfortunately this is true, and it would be true even if she wasn't demented. My mother died in full wits, except for the fact that, over time, her mind had rewritten history. My sister attempted to confront her memories, and was written off (more in sorrow than anger) as being deluded. You were always going to have to deal with it "on your own", and believe me, that is the norm. I have rarely heard of anyone's dysfunctional parents stepping up and admitting their shortcomings. My salvation, and that of many others, is getting to the point that you look at your parents and see flawed human beings who probably did their best with what they were handed. Few parents mean to ruin their children's lives, they just have no skills or insight about their behaviour. It is good to write all this stuff down, so keep posting. Regards, Sera.

 
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Old 12-12-2010, 11:42 AM   #6
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Re: Dying Inside and Outside (long, graphic)

you mention that you have a job with the post office, so i assume that you have a caregiver for your mom come in while you're at work? is there any way you can have the caregiver come in for additional hours once in a while, on your days off when you're not working, to give you some respite?

 
Old 12-12-2010, 12:37 PM   #7
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Re: Dying Inside and Outside (long, graphic)

Quote:
Originally Posted by chatty kathy View Post
you mention that you have a job with the post office, so i assume that you have a caregiver for your mom come in while you're at work? is there any way you can have the caregiver come in for additional hours once in a while, on your days off when you're not working, to give you some respite?
Actually my oldest son has been coming over, he's having problems in his own marraige and I think it's his way of running away from them. But since my mother-in-law passed recently my wife will is transitioning over here so that should help as far as physical duties.

 
Old 12-12-2010, 06:16 PM   #8
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Re: Dying Inside and Outside (long, graphic)

Sounds like you are exausted. Is it possible to get some nursing care. Even a few hours a week would help ease the load......

 
Old 12-13-2010, 12:31 AM   #9
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Re: Dying Inside and Outside (long, graphic)

so sorry for your predicament, i too care for an elderly parent (mother) and it is tough sometimes. i also will get a house in return. though it is not why i do it. i love her and she was always good to me. you are going to have to search your heart and talk to your wife and decide what is best for you with your situation with your mom. it is easy for your siblings to give you all the responsibility and take none themselves. house or no house that is not fair of them. i don't have that problem i have a brother who helps out financially or we wouldn't make it. as far as the pills go, you didn't really say what you took or described much about if you have a physical reason or so forth. maybe you could go into further details on that. i myself am trying to get myself off of oxycodone. i am not completely out of medicine and have been halfing my pills and trying to make them stretch. however, when i get my next script i am going to continue to do this. i do not have any emotional addiction issues and do not have an addictive personality. this is purely physical as i have lots of pain issues. good luck to you

 
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