My husband and I met 8 years ago- and we were married 4 years ago. In 2009 I noticed some health issues that were worrisome with him. In July of '10 he was diagnosed with Throat Cancer- (he NEVER smoked-no heavy drinking- no tobacco use of any kind.) Because he was self-employeed he wanted to, "finish up all the customers work" before surgery then treatment. (he was a glorified handyman with 50 or so regular customers) He was our main source of income.
So in early September he had a tonsilectomy- with horrid painful side effects. Then in mid October he had his stomach feeding tube inserted- and his pic line. At the end of October he started Chemo and radiation. Radiation 5x a week- 3 rounds of chemo.
We live 100+ miles away from the hospital- so in addition to taking care of our regular household bills- and because he refused to stay in a long-term hotel- we had to rent a little house.
I was his only caregiver- (besides the docs and nurses) I stayed up making sure he took his meds- tube feeding him- and doing whatever he wanted to keep his spirits up. And he is a STUBBORN man. I had to literally argue with him to take his meds- he didn't want to as directed so he ended up in the hospital- 40lbs lighter and extremely ill. Jan 1st we came home- (our real home) for him to begin recovery. And it was still me taking care of everything- doing all the legwork-paperwork-phone calls- for financial assistance because he didn't have any insurance. And getting him to take time to heal was a losing battle.
Plus- in addition to all of this I have a 16 year old son, a daugter who is 15,and a 9 year old daughter as well. And 5 acres with a small farm. And I'm on disability for PTSD and severe chronic lower back pain. I was actually supposed to have surgery inOctober of'10 but of course couldn't because of husbands cancer.
Here's where I get mad- he was overdoing it on trying to complete a closet in our masterbedroom- and ended up squishing the tiny capilaries in his neck around the vertabrea- (he was on warfarin AND shots of levonox because of blood clots that formed in his left arm)- and he ended up getting a 3inch by 1inch blood clot INSIDE his vertabrea that as it grew pushed on his spinal cord. I had to drag him to the ER for them to do an MRI- and they ended up life flighting him-(and I) to Boise where they performed emergency surgery-sawing thru 4 vertabreas- taking the clot out- shaving some of the bone down- then putting him back together with staples- he was in ICU for 4 days- then they moved him to a regular room. Again I was at the hospital- and driving back and forth from home to hospital. After 10 days they released him- told him NO STRAIN on his neck- wear the brace- walk for exercise- and try to eat as much as possible because he still has his stomach tube and they can't remove it until he gains weight. Home we go. We arrived home 2 days ago. Guess what? He didn't listen to the doctors- and now we might end up BACK in the Boise hospital because he reinjured where they did surgery!! I AM ******! It's like all of the work and time that the kids and I put into his health means nothing. And I'm not talking about the medical bills- dear Lord- I have an anxiety attack everytime I open a freakin bill.
I am so upset with him- the past 18months have been hell- I am exhausted- my teenagers (who stayed with my ex while I was away)- are now running amuck. My starter flock of heritage chickens that I hatched myself? All DEAD because I wasn't here and wasn't able to find a reliable (obviously) caretaker for my animals. And he is totally OBLIVIOUS!
My back is torture everyday- my hard work from the past 12 months are dead and buried- and my husband is in lala land about what he needs to do. And I feel GUILTY about being upset with him. I am taking care of him still- getting his meds together- getting his tube feeding stuff together- preparing high calorie- nutricious meals for him- and seperate meals for the kids. I know that what he has gone thru the past 18months have been hell for him- I understand and empathize with him. I was there thru it all. I just feel that he doesn't appreciate my sacrifices that I made in order to be there for him full-time. (and I'm not even going to start with the intimate area of our relationship- there hasn't been any for 18 months- seriously)
Ahhhh-<sigh> I know I must sound self-centered and selfish- and that makes me feel even more horrid- but I am at a loss and really don't know what to do- or how to do it.