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Old 08-10-2011, 07:25 AM   #1
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Selfish Rant

We've been taking care of my father for 3 years.

A little background. In April of 2005 he had 3 heart attacks. He has been handicapped since age 5. No use of his left arm or leg. He has alzheimers/dementia or it's a brain injury from an accident at age 5, don't know for sure. He weighs 235lbs. He cannot walk at all. He has a wheel chair and we have a lift for the stairs as we live on the second floor. Apartment not house. He wasn't supposed to make the car ride here.

I love my father, I sincerely do. But this is really taking a toll on me, our son and my husband. My son is doing all the wrong things and it started when my dad came here. I've tried everything and nothing is working.

I feel trapped lately and I feel selfish and rotten for feeling that way. I get rotten thoughts and I think God is not going to like it or me for the thoughts that I have. Which I have frequently.

Every day for the last 3+ years (minus 2- yes 2) I get up and immediately do, pipes, medicine, water, breakfast and coffee. Then when he's done eating, clean up his room (cause it's always a mess- he likes to stay up all night) and empty his urinal and/or commode depending. Then I sit with him (refilling everything as needed, and emptying things as needed) until lunch, make lunch. Go get husband, come home (sometimes get a nap while hubby sits with Dad and does everything) get up and do everything again, normally until 6pm until hubby or bathing woman takes over. This is all on top of regular housework, errands, this that and the other thing, everyone with a family knows what I mean. Here's the thing, most of the time I don't mind any of this, but lately it's getting to me. I mean where is MY life. What happened to ME? Didn't I use to get to sleep a little late? Didn't I have stuff to do that didn't require carrying around a 235lb backpack? Or cannot go anywhere because can't leave him alone. It's never ending..... He's been on hospice 3 times and they are taking him off it again. I don't want my father to pass. I just need to let this out. Because I'm feeling trapped.

There is no one else to help. When he had his heart attacks, they were going to put him in a nursing facility. Well, at his income $700 a month that was out of the question. He would have ended up in the worst kind. So I took him home with me cause my sister wouldn't take him. Now we live 4 hours away from the family and frankly no one wants him. And I PROMISED him he would be with me till the end.

Some of the bad parts are his dementia. He is constantly making us feel like crooks or something because he does stuff in the night and then doesn't remember doing them. One example would be when I woke him up for breakfast one day not too long ago his top plate (teeth) were on the bed next to him. He honestly believed my husband or I took his teeth out of his head, for some strange reason. Yes he thought we did it. Ugh.

He is a mans man. To him woman belong in the kitchen and are lesser somehow, this drives me INSANE.

I don't know. I'm not sure if it's just cause it's summer time and we haven't done anything (myself, hubby, son) together in 3 summers or I see them going out and having a good time or what but I'm feeling trapped badly. Like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I'm sorry, I hope this made sense and I appreciate this board here to let me get these feelings out and rant. I'm honestly not a bad person just feeling overwhelmed.

 
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Old 08-10-2011, 07:55 AM   #2
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Re: Selfish Rant

jane-

My heart goes out to you and your family. First of, you are not a selfish person, nor are you a BAD person. You are a family member who has gotten caught caring for someone who needs to be in a nursing home. God will not think you are bad, he will know that you are a loving daughter who is being pushed beyond family limits.

What you need to realize is that your father is slowly destroying your family. Your son is acting up, your hubby will strat to resent him if he doesn't already..and you are stuck feeling like it is all your fault. There are a couple of options that you can try. Contact your local Alzheimer Association and see what they can offer to do. They may be able to point you in the direction of home help, or a place that has day care for free or for a nominal charge so you can get some time off to do whatever you need-even if it is staring at your belly button! If your father says he doesn't want to go-he has no option. You just bundle him up and take him over.

You also need to talk to them about nursing facilities. Medicare should cover his cost if he doesn't have anything about $2000 in a savings account. At this point, it is getting where it is a neccesity for him and for you. You need to understand that the dementia is robbing you of your father. The one you knew is gone or will quickly be gone...the body of your dad may be there, but the terrible disease will have robbed you of his spirit. I know, I've been there. Being in a nursing home is not the end of the world. You need to have him get the round the clock care that you cannot provide him. You also need to have your sanity, which you will lose if you keep it up. God didn't intend you to bear this burden by yourself, you know.

Take a peek at the Alzheimer board and you will find alot of good ideas and help and wonderful people. I wish you peace and healing and the strength to make hard decisions....

 
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Old 08-11-2011, 06:52 AM   #3
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Re: Selfish Rant

Hi Ibake,


Thank you so much for your advice. I did as you suggested and I read quite a few posts on the alzheimers link and to tell you the truth, I think that was exactly what I needed. I actually cried reading some of those posts and magically I no longer feel trapped. In fact I'm glad my dad is here and no where else. Thank you Ibake. You are a Godsend.

 
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Old 08-12-2011, 07:03 AM   #4
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Re: Selfish Rant

Jane,

thank you..it's hard to care for someone when you think you are the only one in that situation. I know....it was that board that saved my sanity. Try posting if you want and you will get some great advice. it's a good group with alot of ideas.. hang in there.

 
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Old 08-19-2011, 10:54 AM   #5
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Re: Selfish Rant

Quote:
Originally Posted by janewd View Post
Hi Ibake,


Thank you so much for your advice. I did as you suggested and I read quite a few posts on the alzheimers link and to tell you the truth, I think that was exactly what I needed. I actually cried reading some of those posts and magically I no longer feel trapped. In fact I'm glad my dad is here and no where else. Thank you Ibake. You are a Godsend.
Hi, I suggest that you check in more with the Alzheimer's board. There are many people over that board who have experience in this area. Deb or Megan are very good at it. Please feel free to write any questions and people will be happy to help you.

See you there,
Nina

 
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