kind of a personal relationship question - Cerebral Palsy Message Board

aaryn_drewbear · 06-12-2004, 08:30 AM

Hello,

I have a question for yall who have children with CP. Are you and your spouse/significant other still together? If so - did it cause problems in the beginning? If not - is that the reason you are not together anymore?

The reason I ask is because I feel like my husband is very disappointed about Drew having the problems that he has, and I don't think he's really dealt with/come to terms with it. I, on the other hand, have totally come to terms with it and accept the fact that my son is not your average baby. BUT - I accept him for who he is, and I will take care of him until the day I die if I have to. I just don't know what the future holds for our relationship... It just seems like he has changed so much since Drew was born, and I just don't really know what to do.

Any advice is appreciated

OrbOfConfusion · 06-12-2004, 01:57 PM

Hi aaryn drewbear,

No, my husband and I never had any problems arising from my daughter's cp. However, we've clashed several times because of the workload and stress of raising two small children who seem to be going through their "terrible two's" at the same time. Our son is 4 and our daughter is 2. Slowly we're adapting

.

I know all of us parents want our children to be able to experience life in the fullest way possible. And they will in their own way. Maybe your husband hasn't realized that yet.

Raising a child is hard, especially one that needs careful nurturing. And all the responsiblity that comes with raising a special child can really test a relationship. Is Drew your only child?

Take care,
Melissa

Zagreus · 06-12-2004, 04:03 PM

I agree with Melissa about the stress of raising two children, but I also feel that the CP placed added stress on our relationship -- in part because my wife is diabetic and sometimes experiences moment of doubt or guilt. I think she feels sadder about obstacles our son faces while I look for ways for dealing with the obstacles and getting around/ over/ through them. So sometimes the sadness bothers me -- maybe I don't want to give in to it so I avoid it -- which may be wrong on my part. So sometimes we miscommunicate. We just react differently. But balancing the need for both of us to work and to raise two children is a juggling act which is complicated by the CP.
Parenthood is clearly not for sissies.
Don't know if that made any sense. But you and your husband will work through it and I think you need to allow yourself some space to acknowledge that there can be some additional stress on the relationship.

Hurdy · 06-13-2004, 07:23 AM

Hi There, First of all i would like to say that i know what you are talking about. I have seen first hand the stress of having a handicapped child can put on a marriage. I have a severely handicapped child myself, however my husband has been wonderful. My friend has a handicapped child as well and it has put alot of stress on her marriage, to the point now she can hardly stand her husband.My friends had their daughter later in life and she is the only child that they have. I on the other hand, when my son was born and had problems my husband and i both felt guilty for different reasons, it took a long time to deal with it and come to terms with it. My husband and i already had 4 children and were not planning on having anymore, then i found out that i was pregnant AGAIN. We were both upset do to the fact that it is hard now days to raise 4 children in this world, mentally and financially, so i am very embarrassed to say that we had discussed terminating the pregnancy, even though i dont really believe in it only under certain circumstances. So that is where my guilt was coming from, i told my husband that we should be ashamed for have discussing such a thing seeing that we were married and already had children, so we continued with the pregnancy and adjusted well and were happy. Well where my husbands guilt comes in is that at that time he was driving truck and would be gone for days at a time. I went into labor a month early and he was very far away from home and he couldnt make it in time for the birth, as he was there for the birth of all the other children. By the time he made it home our little Timothy was born and had started having problems. So to make a long story short, my husband has carried the guilt with him for not being there when our little angel was born. He feels that if he would have been there that everything would have been ok. You see, at some time (docs dont know exactly when) either shortly before, after or during birth Timothy sufferred a from a lack of blood and oxygen to his brain. The nicu doc refused to believe there was a problem with him so he let him lay for almost 24 hours having seizures because his brain was swelling and by the time they decided to run tests on him it was to late, his brain had swollen very huge so he sufferred severe brain damage. So we both have had to deal with different guilt in different ways. But.... we have managed to get over it, deal with it and go on. I know that alot of men have a hard time dealing with the fact that they have a handicapped child, it seems especially worse when the child is a boy. So anyway, we have 5 lovely children, 4 of whom will grow up and move on with their lives and 1 who is the baby of the family who will literally always be our baby. I must say, my husband spoils our little (almost 8 year old baby) baby rotten. Sorry i wrote a book, i got carried away a bit. Good luck, Hurdy

musicmaker650 · 06-13-2004, 09:23 AM

Hello aaryn drewbear,
your husband is dealing with guilt too, about Drews disability... He will have to work this "guilt" out by himself. My father is an alcoholic, so he had other issues besides my disability. With Drew being a boy, in your husbands mind, his hopes and dreams of having a strong son to follow in his footsteps, has been ruined. In reality, Drew will be so much more than his father could have ever dreamed...