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Old 06-12-2004, 07:30 AM   #1
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kind of a personal relationship question

Hello,

I have a question for yall who have children with CP. Are you and your spouse/significant other still together? If so - did it cause problems in the beginning? If not - is that the reason you are not together anymore?

The reason I ask is because I feel like my husband is very disappointed about Drew having the problems that he has, and I don't think he's really dealt with/come to terms with it. I, on the other hand, have totally come to terms with it and accept the fact that my son is not your average baby. BUT - I accept him for who he is, and I will take care of him until the day I die if I have to. I just don't know what the future holds for our relationship... It just seems like he has changed so much since Drew was born, and I just don't really know what to do.

Any advice is appreciated
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Old 06-12-2004, 12:57 PM   #2
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Re: kind of a personal relationship question

Hi aaryn drewbear,

No, my husband and I never had any problems arising from my daughter's cp. However, we've clashed several times because of the workload and stress of raising two small children who seem to be going through their "terrible two's" at the same time. Our son is 4 and our daughter is 2. Slowly we're adapting .

I know all of us parents want our children to be able to experience life in the fullest way possible. And they will in their own way. Maybe your husband hasn't realized that yet.

Raising a child is hard, especially one that needs careful nurturing. And all the responsiblity that comes with raising a special child can really test a relationship. Is Drew your only child?

Take care,
Melissa

 
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Old 06-12-2004, 03:03 PM   #3
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Re: kind of a personal relationship question

I agree with Melissa about the stress of raising two children, but I also feel that the CP placed added stress on our relationship -- in part because my wife is diabetic and sometimes experiences moment of doubt or guilt. I think she feels sadder about obstacles our son faces while I look for ways for dealing with the obstacles and getting around/ over/ through them. So sometimes the sadness bothers me -- maybe I don't want to give in to it so I avoid it -- which may be wrong on my part. So sometimes we miscommunicate. We just react differently. But balancing the need for both of us to work and to raise two children is a juggling act which is complicated by the CP.
Parenthood is clearly not for sissies.
Don't know if that made any sense. But you and your husband will work through it and I think you need to allow yourself some space to acknowledge that there can be some additional stress on the relationship.

 
Old 06-13-2004, 06:23 AM   #4
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Hurdy HB User
Re: kind of a personal relationship question

Hi There, First of all i would like to say that i know what you are talking about. I have seen first hand the stress of having a handicapped child can put on a marriage. I have a severely handicapped child myself, however my husband has been wonderful. My friend has a handicapped child as well and it has put alot of stress on her marriage, to the point now she can hardly stand her husband.My friends had their daughter later in life and she is the only child that they have. I on the other hand, when my son was born and had problems my husband and i both felt guilty for different reasons, it took a long time to deal with it and come to terms with it. My husband and i already had 4 children and were not planning on having anymore, then i found out that i was pregnant AGAIN. We were both upset do to the fact that it is hard now days to raise 4 children in this world, mentally and financially, so i am very embarrassed to say that we had discussed terminating the pregnancy, even though i dont really believe in it only under certain circumstances. So that is where my guilt was coming from, i told my husband that we should be ashamed for have discussing such a thing seeing that we were married and already had children, so we continued with the pregnancy and adjusted well and were happy. Well where my husbands guilt comes in is that at that time he was driving truck and would be gone for days at a time. I went into labor a month early and he was very far away from home and he couldnt make it in time for the birth, as he was there for the birth of all the other children. By the time he made it home our little Timothy was born and had started having problems. So to make a long story short, my husband has carried the guilt with him for not being there when our little angel was born. He feels that if he would have been there that everything would have been ok. You see, at some time (docs dont know exactly when) either shortly before, after or during birth Timothy sufferred a from a lack of blood and oxygen to his brain. The nicu doc refused to believe there was a problem with him so he let him lay for almost 24 hours having seizures because his brain was swelling and by the time they decided to run tests on him it was to late, his brain had swollen very huge so he sufferred severe brain damage. So we both have had to deal with different guilt in different ways. But.... we have managed to get over it, deal with it and go on. I know that alot of men have a hard time dealing with the fact that they have a handicapped child, it seems especially worse when the child is a boy. So anyway, we have 5 lovely children, 4 of whom will grow up and move on with their lives and 1 who is the baby of the family who will literally always be our baby. I must say, my husband spoils our little (almost 8 year old baby) baby rotten. Sorry i wrote a book, i got carried away a bit. Good luck, Hurdy

 
Old 06-13-2004, 08:23 AM   #5
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musicmaker650 HB User
Re: kind of a personal relationship question

Hello aaryn drewbear,
your husband is dealing with guilt too, about Drews disability... He will have to work this "guilt" out by himself. My father is an alcoholic, so he had other issues besides my disability. With Drew being a boy, in your husbands mind, his hopes and dreams of having a strong son to follow in his footsteps, has been ruined. In reality, Drew will be so much more than his father could have ever dreamed...

Last edited by musicmaker650; 06-14-2004 at 07:06 PM.

 
Old 06-16-2004, 10:44 AM   #6
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aaryn_drewbear HB User
Re: kind of a personal relationship question

Hello everyone! First of all I want to say that these boards are wonderful! I am so glad that I have you all to talk to.

Melissa, yes, Drew is our only child. We'd like to have another but there are a lot of "depends on" things that we have to think about before we decide for sure.

Hi Hurdy, Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sure Timothy is just a little angel!

Zagreus, It sounds like you and I have a lot in common when it comes to our coping mechanisms. And I TOTALLY agree with you - parenting is not for sissies!!!!!

And MusicMaker - as usual you are so great. You brought tears to my eyes with your words and your optimism. You are truly an angel on these boards! If I could hug your neck I would!

Thanks for all your replies - I appreciate it!
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Old 06-16-2004, 03:27 PM   #7
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Re: kind of a personal relationship question

aaryn_drewbear,
thank you for you wonderful words! I wish I was one of those who didn't discover their CP until they reached their thirties... Of course, I am greatful that I went throgh what I did at 5 to 34, instead of discovering CP at 34! I have been physically stable and strong since my 11th birthday... and by 22 I was married with children

 
Old 06-27-2004, 05:09 PM   #8
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Re: kind of a personal relationship question

DaveBahm,
Wow, thanks for sharing that. My son has struggled with understanding why God let him be born with CP. My best response, and what I truly believe, is that God sometimes makes mistakes -- that this world isn't perfect and some awful things can happen. God will, I suggest to him, provide us with comfort, strength, talent and resources to work toward overcoming obstacles, but he needs our help in this. God needs us just as we need him. We've got to work together. I'm pretty sure this isn't what my church would tell him, but it makes sense to me and seems to make sense to him as well. Who can ever really know?
I'm sorry your parents have responded to you as they did. Sometimes our children are wiser than we are -- and that sometimes frightens some parents.

I hope yours come around someday and can understand what you're telling them.

Okay, sorry for the ramble.
Peace!

Last edited by Zagreus; 06-27-2004 at 05:10 PM.

 
Old 06-27-2004, 07:56 PM   #9
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musicmaker650 HB User
Re: kind of a personal relationship question

Zagreus,
God doesn't make mistakes! A better explanation to your child would have been God never gives us more than we can handle. Your son's disability is a blessing not a curse, and he chose to carry this disability because it would make him a kind and caring person, even hold him above most people in strength and virtue. Even the most severe disability or ailment gives blessings in the long run and people usually never realize this until the disabled one leaves us...

 
Old 06-28-2004, 05:30 AM   #10
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Re: kind of a personal relationship question

We disagree on that one. I don't believe God intends disease or suffering of any sort. Look at history -- God certainly never intended the Holocaust (whose first victims, by the way, were people with physical and mental disabilites). Yet suffering is present through all of history and all through the world. And belief and faith are not antidotes to suffering, but they do help us bear its weight. I can't tell my son that God wants him to suffer CP. God will help him deal with it but I won't tell him God wants him or anyone to suffer. That would make God cruel. But you and I have different visions of how God is present. But we also know there are gifts hidden in the suffering and I appreciate your comments. But here I think we have to agree to disagree. None of us can really know God's mind.

 
Old 06-28-2004, 07:47 AM   #11
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musicmaker650 HB User
Re: kind of a personal relationship question

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zagreus
We disagree on that one. I don't believe God intends disease or suffering of any sort. Look at history -- God certainly never intended the Holocaust (whose first victims, by the way, were people with physical and mental disabilites). Yet suffering is present through all of history and all through the world. And belief and faith are not antidotes to suffering, but they do help us bear its weight. I can't tell my son that God wants him to suffer CP. God will help him deal with it but I won't tell him God wants him or anyone to suffer. That would make God cruel. But you and I have different visions of how God is present. But we also know there are gifts hidden in the suffering and I appreciate your comments. But here I think we have to agree to disagree. None of us can really know God's mind.
I agree that God doesn't want us to endure disease or suffering, but it is "Man's freedom of choice or Free Agency" that has put this World in the shape it is in today, not Gods will. Christ carried great burdens and suffered greatly at the hands of men... All this was for a purpose. Your son and many of us were given what we have, CP and many other things... for a purpose too. We may not know God's mind or His particular purpose in allowing us to suffer these maladies, but He has surely given us many ways to know Him hasn't He?

PajamaMomma,
nice post

 
Old 06-28-2004, 12:45 PM   #12
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Re: kind of a personal relationship question

Quote:
Originally Posted by PajamaMomma
Hi. I don't know how many of you have read this before... but it's written by Erma Bombeck. I get teary eyed everytime I read it! It really sheds a little light on being a parent of a child with disabilities. I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I do!


Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice,
few by social pressures, and a couple by habit.

This year, nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children.
Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?
Somehow I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting his instruments for propagation
with great care and deliberation.
As he observes, he instructs his angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth; son; patron saint, Matthew.
"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter; patron saint, Cecelia.
"Rudledge, Carrie; twins; patron saint.... give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."
Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."
The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy." "Exactly," smiles God.
"Could I give a handicapped child a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."
"But has she patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair.
Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it."
"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independance.
She'll have to teach the child to live in her world and that's not going to be easy."
"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."
God smiles.
"No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."
The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she can't seperate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive.
Yes, there is a woman I will bless with a child less then perfect.
She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied.
She will never take for granted a `spoken word.' She will never consider a `step' ordinary.
When her child says `Momma' for the first time, she will be present at a miracle and know it!
When she describes a tree or a sunset to her blind child,
she will see it as few people ever see my creations."
"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see---ignorance, cruelty, prejudice---
and allow her to rise above them.
She will never be alone.
I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work
as surely as she is here by my side."
"And what about her patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in midair.
God smiles.
"A mirror will suffice."


written by Erma Bombeck

I look forward to sharing that with my wife, thanks!

Musicmaker: Shalom!

 
Old 06-28-2004, 12:54 PM   #13
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PajamaMomma HB User
Re: kind of a personal relationship question

Ya'll are quite welcome! But...don't thank me, Thank Erma Bombeck, she's the one who wrote it!

 
Old 06-28-2004, 04:52 PM   #14
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musicmaker650 HB User
Re: kind of a personal relationship question

I was born in June of 1950.
I thought by now man would have a handle on what caused CP but it has not changed since I was born. God has given us (Man) the ability to give birth, but He doesn't dictate how we are born. Physical factors including heretical factors have plagued Man since Adam and Eve fell from God's graces... For me, I am looking to a better Heaven, but for now, I really feel blessed on this Earth! You should feel beessed that you were given your son to nuture and teach. He is a blessing to you and your family... And in time he will bless others that he comes to know and love

 
Old 06-30-2004, 05:10 AM   #15
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Re: kind of a personal relationship question

I feel the same way musicmaker. One should always make the best of his or her life. Because as far as we know for sure, we only live once. We are all truly blessed.

I also believe that everything happens for a reason. I feel that I have become a better person since my daughter was diagnosed with cp. She has taught me how to be a more strong and attentive mother.

She is always happy and smiling and never lets her disability get her down. She's tough. Even though she is young, I can see she will grow into a strong and confident woman one day. To her, cp is just an inconvenience.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

Melissa

 
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