It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Cerebral Palsy Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 04-27-2006, 02:52 PM   #1
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 240
Malwm01 HB User
Need to find my own place.

Please excuse the fact that I'm about to ramble aimlessly in my attempt to get to the point.

I'm 22 and I live with my parents. I'm pretty independent, I just need help doing laundry (and that's only because our laundry room is in the basement and my bedroom is on the second floor,) and I have to rely on family to drive me places and recently tying my shoes.

I want to get out and enjoy my life and I want to help people (that's always been my goal in life, helping others.)

I know my dad doesn't want me to leave. He never has, and he's freely told me growing up he'd never ask me to leave. My mom tries to push me on my older sister and her family (3 young kids and hubby.) I didn't used to mind spending time there, but now as much as I love my family I hate going there. I know that I'm hurting their family unit, and get this my 4-year-old niece says to me a few weeks ago, "I love you best. More than mom and dad." Dude, I know she's 4, but I can't handle hearing things like, I love you more than Mommy.

The best thing about living with my sister is the freedom, because for the most part, I get to go out every day and do things. Since my sister is a stay-a-home-mom she can't just sit home with the kids 24/7 and we go out and do things with them.

Unlike at my mom's when my parents work everyday 8-12 hours a day and most of my time is spent sitting in front of the the computer or the TV. Now I've always been a computer junkie (had one since I was 4) but I've never been one for TV and now I swear my life revolves around it. If I get out it's going to the store (woo-hoo) or to a family function with relatives.

My 70-something year-old grandmother has volunteered to drive me to community college classes but it's not an offer I want to accept since my Gram lives 40 minutes from me and the college is another 10-30 minutes from my house. I don't want my grandma driving around that much, because of her age and how much gas is nowadays.

I know, that living on my own will give me the freedom I want but I love the security of living at home with my parents and even though I do think about apartments or renting a house, it would only be me, PLUS I'd have to move out of the area to find the public transportation I need to get anywhere and combined all that together and I'm afraid of the whole idea. Moving away means I'll have freedom but I'll loose my whole network of support.

My family would just think I was stupid if I said any of this to them, they always say they're here to help. The problem is it's all talk, there's never any action, they promise and they promise but it never gets me anything. Or they tell me to rent a frickin' trailer and put on my sisters' property. No joke. The sheer thought of it makes me frustrated and mad as a hatter.

I don't have a lot of friends. I have 3 (which is really down to 1,) one lives across the country (who I talk to on an almost daily basis,) one lives a ways up north and doesn't call anymore (not that I blame her, she's got a job, a boyfriend and graduate school on her mind) and the other has CP and is content with living at home and relying on her parents and has really become a person I don't want to be around anymore because she just has a bad attitude about life and I don't need that.

I just don't have anyone, it really sucks.

I'm sorry to be a downer. I don't mean to come around here all the time and **** and moan. I know I've got it a lot better than a lot of people it's just so hard when it's one small thing that stands in the way of life.

I saw a program on PBS the other night about what happens to seniors when they loose their license because of age, and I could relate to how they felt. Then they switched to the other side of the story where they were talking about programs springing up to help the seniors get from place to place but you know it's for seniors, not for young people with disabilities. They even talked about how this certain organization would even pair up seniors with other senior drivers so they felt comfortable. How come no one ever thinks of the disabled people?

Anyway, I don't want to make you suffer anymore. LOL If I keep going I'm just going to go into what you've all heard time and time before.

Anyone know of somewhere with a low cost of living and great public transportation that doesn't have earthquakes, floods, mudslides wildfires or hurricanes? Preferably with lots of nature and wildlife? If you do, that's my ideal home and I'd pack up and leave tomorrow.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 04-27-2006, 03:15 PM   #2
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 314
Hope25 HB User
Re: Need to find my own place.

Well, I wonder what you all think of me, coming here and moaning about my troubles (joke.)

Listen, I'm pretty much in the same boat here a nd I'm 29. I think that you should not think of getting a place of your own as "an escape," because, believe me, it's almost impossible.

Owning/renting is so expensive, and location means everything to people ;ike us who do not drive. But, most importantly, it is not the answer.

The answer lies within you and your ability to help yourself. Are you working? Can you join clubs/organizations to make more friends? This is what I'm trying to do to meet more people. Can you start to learn to drive?

I think all these things are of priority, not moving out. We are both lucky in the sense that we are not "forced" to move out. But we need our independence, that is for sure.

Concentrate on the things I mentioned - they are most important for now. I believe everyone has a time and place for everything. Be patient and learn to deal with what's at hand. This is what I'm trying to do. Sooner or later things will fall into place....

 
Old 04-27-2006, 03:38 PM   #3
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 240
Malwm01 HB User
Re: Need to find my own place.

I don't think less of you Hope. Joke or not, really, I don't.

I've tried and I've tried to do the driving thing. I've never had an evaluation or anything but I don't see it as a possibility because even though hand controlls would be a big bonus, I have horrible vision issues. Depth perception? Well, I run into walls—walking. I terrified my Drivers Ed. teacher and I don't think my mom is too egar to get back in the car with me anytime soon.

I don't have a job because I have no reliable way to get to one. We have no public transportation here and my parents work and my sister lives too far away to shuttle me, the only thing that would make a difference is if I was living at her house and I refuse to do that. The same goes for clubs or organizations no way to get anywhere.

You know what my friend suggested? Getting a power chair, then I might actually be able to leave and get farther than my street. If my house was at all accessible it might sound like an option but it's really not.

 
Old 04-27-2006, 03:48 PM   #4
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Posts: 459
Steffers2318 HB User
Re: Need to find my own place.

I understand what you're getting at, Hope, but I disagree--if you have the strength and desire to go out on your own Mal, and could figure out a way to make it work somehow as far as transportation, DO IT! I think disabled kids are (generally!) more sheltered and closer to parents because they don't have as many friends...so it is harder for them than most to move out. You will have to do it eventaully though, so why not do it now, and if it's too hard you could move back home for a while. And it's not like you'd never see your family again, you'd just have to make trips home to visit.

I totally understand that being on your own is scary though, and that it's physically hard to do stuff by yourself. But, my dad made a comment to me a while ago, something like, "You'll probably have to live alone with your mom once you get out of college." Meaning, 1) I can't do anything by myself, and 2) I don't have any friends that I could move in with. Needless to say I was offended, and that has just made me more determined to figure out a way to live on my own, SOMEHOW!

Let me know if you figure anything out Mal...I need just as much advice as you!

 
Old 04-27-2006, 04:03 PM   #5
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Posts: 459
Steffers2318 HB User
Re: Need to find my own place.

After second thought, I wanted to add that your neice saying she loves you more than her parents probably doesn't literally mean that...didn't you ever wish your cool aunt or your friend's awesome mom was your mom? Mostly because she/they (probably) didn't give you rules and yell at you?

If it comes to that, I see no reason why you wouldn't become a normal part of everyday life if you lived in your sister's house...you may feel like you're butting in, but really it's no different than a family that has a grandparent living with them, know what I mean?

 
Old 04-27-2006, 04:14 PM   #6
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 240
Malwm01 HB User
Re: Need to find my own place.

This is why I like this place. I'm never alone with my feelings. Steffers, I keep bouncing the idea of just sucking it up calling a moving van and going, I'm just afraid. I've got able-bodied cousins who can't make it alone, trying to find work and keeping an apartment. I get people telling me all the time, college is the answer. Well, some of us aren't college material. I think I did all right growning up, I wasn't sheltered, I had friends and I went places, but when it came time to either go to college or join the working world. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't a strong student and I'd never had a job, maybe that's the problem. I was a little sheltered in that way.

Anyone ever been envovled with UCP, an ILC or any of the other organizations out there? What can they provide? I hear about ILCs now and then on the internet, I just don't get it I guess, what they do. That and the nearest one to my area is the next county over.

 
Old 04-27-2006, 04:35 PM   #7
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 240
Malwm01 HB User
Re: Need to find my own place.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Steffers2318
After second thought, I wanted to add that your neice saying she loves you more than her parents probably doesn't literally mean that...didn't you ever wish your cool aunt or your friend's awesome mom was your mom? Mostly because she/they (probably) didn't give you rules and yell at you?

If it comes to that, I see no reason why you wouldn't become a normal part of everyday life if you lived in your sister's house...you may feel like you're butting in, but really it's no different than a family that has a grandparent living with them, know what I mean?
I know that Steffers, that my niece just thinks I am a cool aunt. It's my sister I am worried about she has a hard time with my niece because she doesn't show affection to her mom (hey, my sister never showed affection at our mother either!) and I know even if my niece doesn't mean that. It would hurt my sister.

I've also in my lifetime had my aunt and 3 cousins; my uncle, aunt and 1 cousin; and a single aunt and single uncle living with with my family at different times for substantial amounts of time. We have a small house (as does my sister) and it really is hard, to have that other adult in the family, I feel. It took more of my time with my parents away from me because they were busy with their adult company.

Also, when I'm there, I get the kids dumped on me, like my sister and BIL will go out for the night, and my sister will make me feel guilty that she never gets alone time with hubby. Or he'll walk in the house and say that he needs my sister to go with him for whatever reason and without even being asked I get left with the kids and it makes me feel like crap. It makes me feel like I'm good for nothing but free babysitting. Also, I don't have any privacy in the small house, I sleep on the loveseat in the livingroom. I get to go to bed when whoever's watching TV is done and I wake up at 6 am with BIL and kids. I can't even talk on the phone without a kid begging for me (because they don't understand that I'm on the phone...)

It's all really complicated, I promise. I rather die, than live a life of that. I know, I'm sure you didn't mean for it to go that way but it's just the way it is.

 
Old 04-27-2006, 06:12 PM   #8
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Posts: 459
Steffers2318 HB User
Re: Need to find my own place.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Malwm01
Steffers, I keep bouncing the idea of just sucking it up calling a moving van and going, I'm just afraid.
Believe me, I totally understand. I'm sure I'll be like that when it comes time for me to move out. I can't carry a plate of food to the table because I use a walker/crutches...oh yeah not to mention I can't cook. I've watched my mom a thousand times and know all the techniques, but it's just a matter of physically doing it. If I try to do it at home, my mom will get impatient because it takes me so long and she'll just take over. And I'd probably have to live in a one-story place, as steps are annoying. I doubt I could go food shopping by myself, either. So yeah, I don't want to be in my own place and be totally helpless...which is what my father expects to happen... which makes me wanna do it somehow so I can say I told you so.

Quote:
Anyone ever been envovled with UCP,
Yep...they pay someone to help me with dressing and such at school...I believe they said that someone from there can do laundry, housecleaning, and help with shopping--probably other stuff too that I forget.

You should look into that if/when you move out! Also, I didn't realize you felt that way about living with your sister. I got the impression that that would be the perfect situation for you, you just felt guilty about it. Obviously that's not the case...sounds like getting your own place is the only option for you! It will be tough but once you get everything sorted out I think it would be worth it. UCP could probably help with a lot...and now that I think of it, OVR (office of vocational rehabilitation ?) helps people with disabilities find jobs and get any accommodations they need for the job. If you get in touch with UCP, ask them about OVR as well!


Let me know if you decide/ do anything...your moving out story could be inspiration for me in a few years!

 
Old 04-28-2006, 09:17 AM   #9
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Finland, Europe
Posts: 226
Strawberry1 HB User
Re: Need to find my own place.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Malwm01
I've got able-bodied cousins who can't make it alone, trying to find work and keeping an apartment.
Yes, there are many people who can't make it on their own, but there are many more who *can*. Don't be too risk-avoidant!

IMHO you really should start thinking about moving out. Your lifestyle is not sustainable in the long run. What will happen when your parents die? You'll end up in a psychiatric hospital or other institution.

I don't a have driver's licence myself, and I know that the lack of it limits my choices of residential areas. But I'm sure that even in the U.S. there are many pleasant areas where you don't have to own a car.

 
Old 04-28-2006, 09:20 AM   #10
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Finland, Europe
Posts: 226
Strawberry1 HB User
Re: Need to find my own place.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Malwm01
one lives a ways up north and doesn't call anymore
BTW, why don't you call her?

 
Old 04-29-2006, 06:20 PM   #11
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 41
WMCR2001 HB User
Re: Need to find my own place.

My boyfriend has spastic quadriplegia. He doesn't drive, period, and never could, even with hand-controls, due to his vision (depth perception problems). So one would think he's in pretty bad shape and unable to live on his own. But nope!

Patrick has spent the last five years living in a group home with two other disabled adult males whom he has known during his childhood. He has enjoyed living at this house, which really does look like a house and not any kind of nursing home facility. He has had a few problems living there lately, however, and of course, after meeting me, he wants to move here to Virginia, where he aims to get his own place for the first time!

It won't be easy. Patrick is going to have someone come by twice a day to help him get in and out of bed and help with his catheter. I'll be by every afternoon to help him with other tasks, including getting food. We are very optimistic about the move and his first opportunity to live independently. The apartment where he's going to live is designed for folks who are disabled, and it has push-down bars on the doors vs. standard knobs. It also has sidewalks and ramps that are easy to use.

Finances are not going to be easy, but Patrick has qualified for Medical (Medicaid in CA) and will qualify for Medicare here in VA, along with Social Security Disability Income. I know it's no picnic for him to receive federal aid, but this will change after he and I marry.

One place where you want to start is by looking at apartments nearby where your family lives. See what's available for people who are disabled. Also, consider looking into getting SSI or Medicare, if you don't already receive these services. From there, you can look into branching out, whether it is in a group home or in a separate apartment by yourself. I wish you the best of luck! Your concern for your family and love for others came across to me and reminded me so much of my boyfriend. May God bless you and provide you with an opportunity to live more independently!


Christina

 
Old 05-22-2006, 11:36 AM   #12
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 240
Malwm01 HB User
Re: Need to find my own place.

Where to begin?

Something quite amazing happened the weekend after I wrote my post. I when to my aunts house for a get-together with my family and while I was helping my cousin (who I'm really close to and has a lot of the same issues I do about moving out and driving. My Grandmother tells us many of our aunts did too-maybe it's just in our blood?) clean up in the kitchen she told me she was getting an apartment near my grandma, aunt and sister and the one below her was vacant and that I should move in.

Our aunt overheard and the two of them basically told me to do it. I played with the idea for 2 weeks (never even telling my parents) and woke up last Monday and did the necessary calling and actually got the apartment on the spot.

I'm freaking completely but I know this is what I want and the time is now. I wont be near my parents (and that does make me sad, because I'd rather see them everyday than my sister everyday) but I will have my aunt, a few cousins and my Gram.

I still don't know what I'm going to do about not driving, but I've taken the first step and it was amazingly easy. The one thing I've learned is that if you are afraid you'll never get anywhere.

I'm even thinking of perspective jobs, and I've never wanted one before.

 
Old 05-22-2006, 12:16 PM   #13
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Posts: 459
Steffers2318 HB User
Re: Need to find my own place.

That's awesome! I'm sure it will be hard at first but once you adjust you will be glad you did it. And it's good that family will be around, even if it's not your parents. I really admire you for taking that (scary) step, because I can relate to what you were feeling before.

What kind of jobs are you thinking of?

 
Old 05-22-2006, 12:51 PM   #14
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 240
Malwm01 HB User
Re: Need to find my own place.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Steffers2318
That's awesome! I'm sure it will be hard at first but once you adjust you will be glad you did it. And it's good that family will be around, even if it's not your parents. I really admire you for taking that (scary) step, because I can relate to what you were feeling before.

What kind of jobs are you thinking of?
Thanks, Steffers! It was hard but I know it was the right thing to do. I'm thinking of jobs (mostly temporary) that benifit kids, PWDs, or disabiled kids. I really love working with kids and through out HS worked with disabled kids.

What I do know for certain is that I want to work to better the lifes of PWDs I want to make things easier for us, I just haven't figured out how that will work. I know how hard it was the last decade to get where I am, and if I can make it easier for a teen or young adult to find services and support (even in just I small way) that's what I want.

 
Old 05-22-2006, 09:50 PM   #15
Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: CA
Posts: 442
JellyRJFan HB User
Re: Need to find my own place.

What amazing news! Congratulations on the new place!!

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Need advice on feeling of emptiness lizoza Depression 20 04-21-2010 03:00 PM
Feelbad (Marcia), need some help sammyo1 Bone Disorders 6 08-18-2008 07:12 AM
Help/Advice neededASAP -Fentanyl detox, pain pat. abused meds will need meds in futre Confused089 Abuse Support 34 07-06-2008 05:33 PM
Wife in rehab for Lortab addiction. I need advice. brewer362 Family & Friends of Addicts and Alcoholics 2 12-03-2007 11:42 AM
Need to vent- hospital, new neuro, etc neurowreck Epilepsy 4 10-22-2007 04:11 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added




Top 10 Drugs Discussed on this Board.
(Go to DrugTalk.com for complete list)
Baclofen
Botox
Diclofenac
Neurontin Prevacid
  Potassium
Tegretol
Tylenol
Valium
Zanaflex




TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



KimmieDee10 (11), yankeegirl (10), Spookysmommy (4), akiva (3), WMCR2001 (2), vermontcp (2), Basswife (2), whitesugar (2), Potsy (2), angelcom34 (2)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1006), Apollo123 (906), Titchou (852), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (759), ladybud (755), midwest1 (669), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:29 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.com™ All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!