Believing In Yourself, Why Is It So Hard For Me To Do? - Cerebral Palsy Message Board

CandP · 08-02-2009, 12:11 PM

I can't get over how difficult I make things for myself. I am great at psychoanalyzing things, but to put things into practice I just find nearly impossible.

I'm college educated, intelligent, have a personality, and much more. Yet, I still haven't been able to go out and enjoy my life. I don't have many friends, partly because I really haven't gone out much, I work with my family, and the few friends I have just married and/or have young children.

All my life (I'm 32), I've always been very embarrassed of my CP. It's very minor compared to the average CP diagnosis. I just tense when I get nervous, something I have lately managed to control somewhat, however, I may get that occassionaly stare when I am trying to pay in change, like tensing and shaking a bit trying to find 45 cents in my wallet. Walking with trays still a big problem, if the tray has drinks. The other day I wanted to try a coffee at a fastfood restaurant and as I'm in line waiting, I noticed that they dont cap the drinks since the caps are at the end of the counter. So U'm thinking how will I cap it? I ended up leaving the place. I thus realized later that i could have just left the drink there, walked 4 feet to the cap section, walk back, and just cap it or ask them to cap it. Why can't I just not make things difficult for myself and move on???

I talk with some small difficulty, I learned to talk through my chest not from my abdomen, and through tensing because of my CP, I tend to run out of breath easily, sometimes projecting is a problem. Once at a store the cashier thought I was deaf. Something I've never encountered before. But I met a girl who is partially deaf and I can now understand that her voice is a bit different when she talks, and after recording my voice from exercises, it occurred to me that I sound so similar to that. I was so upset in a way.

I tried therapy, both speech and even sought a psychologist for 6 months. He basically said there is absolutely nothing "mentally" wrong, only that I suffer from low self esteem. After I heard that, I started to re-examine how I think about myself and realized how right he was.

I just feel I need to constantly prove myself and that I cant doing anything right. I never pay attention to good things said about me; just bad, like my incompetence but not many people have really said my problem is my weakness. The good outnumber the bad 10 times over, yet I stick to what I hear about the bad. I want to find a job to make more friends and meet more people but I have a very hard time pushing myself to do this....why? I'm reading self-help books and trying to ignore my CP, but I'm still unsuccessful in doing so.

Could someone share with me, how do you rebound from low self esteem, esp. when you also have to deal with a disability on top of that?

nwmom · 08-09-2009, 07:39 PM

Best of luck to you with your self esteem issues. Have you thought about continuing the therapy, just so you'll have an ally for working on your self esteem? I personally find dreamwork and Jungian analysts very helpful in working through things like this.
Keep us posted!
I'd love to hear what other CP'ers do for this issue, too.
nwmom

Lost&Found · 08-14-2009, 10:55 AM

Hi again CandP

There are times when it feels that you can't win no matter what. I've seen people with no disabilities feel this way and they ask me how I cope.

As I have gotten older, it frustrated me to no end that people older then me could do more then me. But I have looked around and I see the other side of the coin where I can and do, much better then others. It's not an answer but it stops me focussing on the negative aspect of *my normal*.

In the last few years there have been some changes in *my normal* and I don't like that normal for me has been edited by a physically taxing disability. Feeling the affects of getting older wasn't supposed to happen yet. I thought I had it all figured as to how the rest of my life with CP would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board.

I say all this about getting older because I remember being upset about the same things you are and I thought to myself that if I was a senior, I wouldn't have to explain why I stumble, drop something or just didn't look right. No one would care therefore, no one would be watching me. Not a grea way to be thinking but it was the way my frustration came out.

As things have changed, I figured I had to look after me and part of that was NOT worrying about how others saw my disability. That is what they are seeing, not us for the person we are. It has taken many years for me to be comfortable with me. Now I have to get comfortable with using a wheelchair and that's not easy because I never saw that as part of *my normal*. I am getting there and it's only made easier by the fact that I am comfortable with who I am.

One hint for being out and carrying food. I alway get food to go so it comes in a bag even if I'm in a food area of a mall and, I carry my own mug with a top that closes and with a handle.

Take care.

Erin

Steffers2318 · 08-16-2009, 03:09 PM

This may be weird, or not what you had in mind, but is it possible for you to get a dog?

We've had dogs all my life, and there is something about knowing that they love you unconditionally and definitely aren't judging you based on your disability, that has helped me when I've felt especially "low" about things. Not to mention that there are training shows (I love the Dog Whisperer) that talk about how you have to be assertive and confident to really get, and keep, control of a dog...so a dog could be a "hobby" or whatever and also help your self-concept. And, if available, taking a dog to the park may be a way to meet new people.

Also, have you tried self-help books?

CandP · 08-16-2009, 03:15 PM

Hi Erin,

I appreciate you sharing your story with me. From what I understand, it's all about reaching a level of acceptance about this problem. How can it be done the easy way?? That's my question...!

I've started a journal, basically writing good thoughts, positive things, and things I want to accomplish. I always liked to write things down and go over them when I feel down. I'm looking to meet with a vocational service counselor who will help me find a job, and hopefully I'll be able to meet people and just start to forget my issues and concentrate on moving on with my life. I feel very lucky to drive and get to where I want to go, a nice escape for the time being. I'm trying to read books on self esteem, however, the ones have read are pretty lame...I find difficult to apply them in my life. I dont hate myself or feel like I'm a piece of garbage!! I just have to have thicker skin, I guess??