Well. I said I'd never do it, but I did.
I did some research online about chemotherapy alone, versus chemo plus radiation for Hodgkin's. I found article after article about secondary cancers, caused by radiation. There seems to be strong evidence mounting that Hodgkin's can be effectively treated with only chemotherapy (which I had) ..but, more rounds than I received. I had 8 treatments...they seem to suggest at least 12.
On one hand, I'm thankful I just had 8, as they were very difficult for me.
On the other hand, even though today my first radiation treatment didn't seem like "that big of a deal," I am now petrified with the possible occurence of secondary cancers, moreso than ever.
I know every "regular" on here is probably sick of my whining.
I resolve never to go online again during the duration of my radiation. Everytime I do, I regret it.
Any one of you can send me a big cyberspace kick for doing that!
I guess I should've asked more questions to my Radiologist and Oncologist about the risks and exactly how strong my radiation is. There's different "strengths," of radiation, right? I will not go online, other than here, anymore.
When will I learn my lesson?
p.s. Linda, if you're reading this, I'm seeking more support tomorrow, as you suggested. I can't take this up & down stuff I'm doing.
Thanks for the hug....back at cha'.
I feel bad I even posted this thread. I know one thing---no more researching the net! Every time, I get burnt.
I'm so sorry, everyone....I know there's risks involved & there's no getting around it.
Please excuse me. I think the internet can be downright evil sometimes.
Dear, dear Singer,
Alot of the information that you read on the internet is general info and not always accurate. That does not go without saying that there is a small risk with radiation . Chemo also has risks and so do many drugs have risks. It is
good to be informed but you must not stress yourself with this. You are having radiation....so are you going to live the rest of your life worrying about something that may never happen. Give yourself a break and trust in your physician. Does it really matter how much radiation you are getting?
Can you change any part of your treatment if you know the dose you are getting? No. The only thing you can change is how you are going to deal with this. I know its easy for me to say, I'm not the one going through it. You are right. I would be just like you. But you need the voice of reason and
I am going to be it for you. You have choices....you can tell your doc you do not want to have radiation because of your fear of secondary cancer. Then you can start worrying about not having the Hodgkins cured. Right? Make
a list of questions that you want answered. Bring a tape recorder with you and then play and replay it over and over.
Do this for yourself. Write down on a piece of paper all the things that you are worrying about. Put those things into a balloon, blow it up and let it go.
Then start to worry about where you are going for dinner and where your
next vacation is going to be. Okay.? Calm down. Stay off the internet.
This is not anything you do not already know. Don't drive yourself crazy
with the what ifs. Trust your medical team.
Now go rest and eat something that tastes real good.
Again, you're the "voice of reason."
I thank you.
It's probably a good thing that we're anonymous on here....
I'd be at your front door, ready to move in with you! (JK...just kidding)...
Now, where's that balloon????
Your welcome. I know what you are doing? Trying to push the doubts out and fears but you are still going to worry. That's me. It is hard to do my friend , to push all your doubts and fears aside. Please seek out spiritual help and healing touch. It will give you a sense of peace. You will learn to live outside your fear and be a bystander instead of a participant. Give your fear
to that higher power. If you believe in what your feel you become that so beleive that you are all healed and put that positive energy into your body.
Have a nice day my friend.....I wish you did live closer and we knew each other. I have a feeling we would be good friends.
Linda makes such perfect sense, singer, and her posts should be printed out and pinned to your refridgerator as a reminder when you start worrying about something far in the future that probably won't happen anyway! What I have found in life (and I am older than any of you!) is that the things I worried about never happened or were dealt with. It was the unexpected challenges that I had never even imagined that actually happened. This is life...a mixture of pleasure and pain. It teaches us how to deal with challenges and how to appreciate the many blessings we have. Remember, all life is change, all change is loss and all loss is pain....but pain is growth! It is through our less pleasant challenges that we grow in character and strength.
Live in the moment, or as Linda says, focus on immediate plans...a good book to read, some music to listen to (I am an iPod addict!) or a film or television program to watch. Whatever gives you pleasure...do it!
Husband dx July 2003, advanced rectal cancer stage 111C; myself dx July 2006 indolent lymphoma; husband dx February 2010, stage 2 prostate cancer.
Dear Nassau One,
I couldn't have said it better myself. How true that all that we feared did not come into fruition and what we never dreamed could happen knocks on your door. Life is full of surprises. All we can do is live in the moment of life for that day. Thank God for each one we are given and learn from the bumps in the road.
You both are very wise.
I think I "will" print out what you say, Linda. Those are things I "know," yet lose sight somehow, throughout the course of the day. I've known for a long time, that we never learn through the easy, smooth times---it's when "the going gets rough" that we grow. I certainly have, I know---yet, I relapse from time to time (like yesterday) when something new arises...like radiation.
I thought I was all prepared, and then that big machine started whirring away, and I needed a drink of water so badly---and I got jittery. Then I made a fool of myself in front of the Radiologist, not explaining myself well, and I just wanted to crawl into a hole! Last thing I needed to do, was come home & search the internet. I guess it was just one of those days! Thank you, everyone, for taking the time to settle me down.
Today (I've already had radiation) I took in a bottle of water with me. It was so much better, not thinking every second I was going to choke. I didn't realize, until I asked, that I was getting radiated from the back, too. That big old machine whirs around, and since I can't move I didn't know where it was going. We certainly have come leaps & bounds with technology, concerning radiation, haven't we? I feel like I'm in "Star Wars" or something!
Anyway, I forgot to ask at the hospital about Linda's "Healing Touch." I think I'll call the hospital and see where they might provide that sort of service. I went to my Oncologist's office (at the hospital) to get a referral for a dermatologist & then had to take some insurance papers to someone, and forgot to ask. I need to see a dermatologist, because I think chemo has caused me to get some "keratosis's" (sp?) on my back. It kind of runs in our family. My poor mother has tons. She's fair-skinned and blond & got sunburns almost every year when she was younger. That's the other thing I saw yesterday, when I was online (about secondary cancers). I haven't had a full "body" examination ever by a dermatologist. I'm trying to be thorough, not paranoid.
Thanks once again for your kind words. If I could reach through your computers and hug you, I would!