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Old 09-05-2011, 08:08 AM   #1
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Mentally Challenged 17 year old

Hello all - I'm new to site - but have a question that has been bothering me for a while. I am dating a man who has been divorced for 6 months (but separated for 4 years) The really odd thing was that the mother lived in the same house for those 4 years in separate rooms. They lived separate lives but they felt it was better for the 3 boys to stay together for a while (boys are 17, 20 and 25) - this too I thought was odd. The eldest has anxiety problems and doesn't leave house much, won't travel except to work and diagnoses himself with medical problems all the time, the middle boy (age 20) is never home, is lazy and "appears" to be spaced out all the time, and the youngest has a "mental" disorder which my boyfriend states is because he had seizures as a child. He says the child has the mind of a ten year old, has ADHD and has motor skill issues. The mother recently moved out (about 3 months ago) and does not have a relationship with the 3 boys. Boys live with dad (my boyfriend). What I see going on now is horrible. My boyfriend seems to be "buying" their love now. He gives them money, always buys things for them. Which I guess could be guilt. But the thing that bothers me the most is this. The youngest never showers or brushes his teeth. We just got back from 8 days of vacation and he only took 1 shower and brushed his teeth one time. My boyfriend does not encourage hygiene and only laughs about it when I bring it up. He says that's just the way he is. The child also does and says annoying things all the time and talks about stealing things and doing things that are completely outrageous and his dad does nothing. This child is annoying to no end and the father (my boyfriend) says nothing nor corrects him or disciplines him. He just ignores the ignorance and the obnoxious behavior. The middle child is never home, and my boyfriend does not ever know where he is. This child has come home numerous times with the car crashed up or wheels off car and has no idea what happened. My boyfriend just takes the car, gets it fixed and hands him the keys back. The car he uses was bought by my boyfriend and given to him and my boyfriend fills the car up with gas every week for him He has no job nor intends to get one. He is in college (part-time), and my boyfriend is "okay" with this. I am concerened mostly of these two boys - mostly because of the hygiene issues, and the fact that my boyfriend does "everything" for the youngest one. He gets up in the morning and makes him coffee (even puts in the sugar and cream), makes him breakfast, and serves it to him. Runs all over the house when he wants something, etc. When this boy yells for his dad to come look at something on the tv or computer, he runs to him. He will even yell from his bedroom - hey dad get me a soda - and his dad does. I don't think this is healthy at all. This kid is more than capable of doing all this himself. When I asked the boy why he does this - he answers because I'm lazy. I tried talking to my boyfriend about this, he got angry and told me that "I just don't understand". I'm not sure what to do as it is really getting on my nerves. I think he should encourage the kid to do things on himself and teach him responsibility but he gets angry at me when I say that. I'm so afraid to say anything anymore, but I cant' sit back and watch this behavior either. What is it I'm missing here?

Last edited by newmee; 09-05-2011 at 08:12 AM. Reason: spelling

 
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Old 09-05-2011, 03:32 PM   #2
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Re: Mentally Challenged 17 year old

It sounds like the father is use to caring for his sons no matter what the costs . I am thinking that the 17 year old should be in school and a program that meets his needs. With school their is structure and routine. This is very important for a chalenged individual is to stay on a routine and schedule. It is not a good thing if he is at home all day doing nothing and DAD waits onhim hand and foot. At least the other young man goes to college part time. He is productive even if he can do more. The father needs some guideance. He does not have to cater to his sons like that and it is not doing them any good or teaching them how to be independant. Maybe you could try and talk to your BF and help him understand that his sons can be doing so much more in their lives and be productive. Suggest to him about a Rehab Program that the son could learn job training skills . It is never a good idea for anyone not to have direction or focus in their lives.

 
Old 09-05-2011, 06:05 PM   #3
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Re: Mentally Challenged 17 year old

If the youngest son is never going to graduate from Harvard Law School, that's ok. However, a very important goal in the education of mentally challenged children is basic self care skills, and it sounds like no one is pushing him in that area.

He is eligible for special education services until he reaches 21 or earns the equivalent of a HS diploma. Has he been in school at some point?

The middle son, yeah, Dad needs to stop fixing that car before the young man gets into a serious crash and badly injures or kills himself or someone else.

It's not something your BF probably wants to think about, but ask him, "What is going to happen to your sons when you can't care for them anymore? What if you got sick? What then?"

 
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