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Old 05-03-2009, 09:32 PM   #1
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Unhappy My toddler molested by another toddler

I am really upset and frustrated because I just found out my 3 year old is being molested by another classmate of hers. This other girl in her class is about 4 years old (but looks and acts like she's 6) and has pulled my daughters pants down and inserted her finger in her vagina! I was in shock when my daughter told me what happened. It's happened before she said. I've been crying and have been really feeling numb. I found this out today. My husband and I are going to see the principal and teacher tomorrow morning. I've heard kids are curious and like to show eachother their private parts...but this is really scaring me. Any advice on what else to do? She seems happy and fine. The whole thing came up when I was laughing and saying oh look how (her baby sister) is playing with the Barbie doll. She's opening her legs and playing with her butt. Telling my husband in the car, when my 3 year old said yeah like how *** does it to me. It went on from there!

 
Old 05-04-2009, 07:06 AM   #2
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Re: My toddler molested by another toddler

It doesn't sound like it bothered her all that much...more like she was making conversation.
The more she senses it upset you, the more it is likely to bother her.
If you let it go emotionally, while taking every precaution to protect your daughter from further inappropriate contact, the better off she may be. Kids are amazingly resilient. I'm speaking as a foster dad, who has seen all kinds of abused kids pass through his home.

Last edited by tommy124; 05-04-2009 at 07:06 AM.

 
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Old 05-04-2009, 08:53 AM   #3
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Re: My toddler molested by another toddler

just based upon my long ago experience working for our countys sexual assault/domestic violence services, i would look in the front of your phone book and look for your countys SAS services(most countys DO have these services) and CALL THEM. you simply need their level of direction and guidance right now in the best ways to handle this situation. most children who molest other children are simply repeating behaviors that have been done to them as well. unfortunetly, most perpetrators have been perpetrated themselves at some point too.

for the most part, that call is confidential and not reported to the police unless they feel any child is in very direct harm(like living with their perp?). your child has gone thru something here that she may be blowing off right now, but could very much effect her as time goes by and she realizes the full impact of what was done to her. so getting in contact with your SAS local services to really know what your next steps should be really IS crucial right now. the mere fact that your daughter allowed(this was NOT her fault at all) this to even occur shows she does not truely understand that NO ONE should be allowed to ever touch her body without her permission. that NEEDS to be drilled into her as much as possible, but in more direct subtle ways. SAS can help with that too.

my concern for the other child, well that needs to be reported as well to SAS or even the police for a full investigation. do you really know this other childs parents well? you just have no clue right now what THAT child has been thru or if someone is actively molesting her either ya know? this just does not sound like "curiosity" at all to me but learned behavior in that other child. what she did was wayyy beyond what most kids at one time or another just do out of curiosity. it just has more in depth sounding undertones.

but for your daughters sake and possibly what may be going on with that other child too, i would very very highly recommend you contact someone who can sort this out and give YOU direction here with the best course of action too. there should be some type of SAS services in the front of your local phone book. look there first and if you cannot find anything remotely close, just contact your local PD and tell them you need to speak to some level of agency who does advoctaing for SAS victims. you do not have to tell them if you don't want to, i am sure they will ask if you have been assaulted, just tell them you need info for a friend who was and needs to speak to someone about it. something along those lines? it should actually be reported, but right now, your daughter needs the help of the people who are best suited to help HER, anything beyond that will come along with whatever you find out along the way, you know what i mean?

but YOU just need some true solid guidance right now for your daughter. getting that info is really crucial right now. i would also ask around to other parents but in a more subtle way about whether or not their children have ever played with this other child and if they have ever been alone with her at anytime. and make darn sure that your daughter gets a huge huge 'you did the right thing in telling me'. that part is wonderful. but she does need to know that she has the right to NOT let anyone touch her and should use the word NO when anyone other than her doc or you need to touch her. no one is allowed to touch our bodies unless we say so period. she needs that part reiterated. since she has already been victimized, it just really really needs to be very much told to her or the risk of this occuring again goes up once any child or even adult women fall prey to being victimized at any time by any one. it just 'is' after it happens.

hopefully this will not be a really huge deal, but you do need the support and advocacy that any good SAS agency can provide. please call them today if possible. i really am so sorry this happened to your daughter at all, and what it is making you feel right now too. please keep us posted as to anything you find out hon, marcia
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Old 05-04-2009, 10:53 AM   #4
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Re: My toddler molested by another toddler

Thank you both for your replies. What's stunning is that her father is a police officer! I don't know much about the parents, but I have spoken with her mom before. I also spoke with the school today and they are going to keep their eye on the girl and keep my daughter separated from her friend. I also am taking her to her doctor and they are documenting what happened. They will also roll play and ask her what happened and check her and take it from there. The teacher said she never saw anything like that, but did see them playing doctor where they lifted their shirts and poking eachothers tummy. She said she told them to stop it. Other than that nothing else. I'll keep you posted as to what happens. Thanks again.

 
Old 05-04-2009, 09:22 PM   #5
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Re: My toddler molested by another toddler

Quote:
Originally Posted by tommy124 View Post
It doesn't sound like it bothered her all that much...more like she was making conversation.
The more she senses it upset you, the more it is likely to bother her.
If you let it go emotionally, while taking every precaution to protect your daughter from further inappropriate contact, the better off she may be. Kids are amazingly resilient. I'm speaking as a foster dad, who has seen all kinds of abused kids pass through his home.

i absolutely agree! be careful with how far you take this with your daughter as far as taking her to the doctor and such. be sure her doctor is qualified to handle something like this without traumatizing your daughter. the situation is disturbing for YOU, sure, but to her, it was a friend playing doctor with her and it's no big deal. your daughter will be just fine.... as long as you don't let YOUR emotions get in the way.

 
Old 05-04-2009, 09:38 PM   #6
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Re: My toddler molested by another toddler

Well I went to the doctor today and thank goodness he didn't ask her anything. We just spoke outside the room where she couldn't hear us. He asked me what happened and I told him the story. We went back in and he then examined her private part and she was okay with it. He really made her feel comfortable about it. He discreetly said it looked like her hymen has been partially torn. He recommended I see a child abuse and child neglect specialists who can gently ask her what happened and take it from there and check her again. I told him I didn't want to traumatize her by having her tell her story again. He felt it should be handled by experts. I don't know what to do. I have not acted like this has really bothered me in front of her. I don't want her to sense I've been really upset. I have been telling her in an upbeat and playful way that anytime a friend or teacher or someone touches them and especially this girl touches her down there, she need to tell me because I'm her best friend. I said best friend because she's always calling me her best friend. I tell her how much I love her all the time. The crazy thing is when I ask her who her friends are at school....she names this girl as one of her best friends! She loves playing with her even though this happened. When the timing was right and we were on the subject, I asked her where it happened and she said on the slide. Where the hell were these teachers and aids? I'm shocked that no one saw anything. Something tells me her teacher saw something, but is not telling me. I am looking into sending her to another school. I'm still shocked that this happened by another 3 year old! The girl isn't even 4 yet! I have told her before that no one is supposed to touch her, but she obviously had forgotten. I probably have to remind her every few months about that rule. I just now don't know if I should follow up with an expert or just leave it alone. She seems happy and fine. Something tells me to just leave it alone.

 
Old 05-05-2009, 08:30 AM   #7
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Re: My toddler molested by another toddler

i am glad you took her to someone and the recommendations too. the thing here is, she needs to PREVENT this from occuring(this is where NO ONE touches your body comes in and no means no), simply having you tell her after this occurs again is not something you want or need and she does not either. one thing i had not mentioned to you here but you do need to know this. if this happened to your daughter at all, and it is not totally reiterated into her head that this behavior is just plain unacceptable, your daughter, not fully realizing this, simply 'could' repeat this behavior upon another child. it unfortuently does happen when things are not told to her by all the right people. this is how it began for the other girl in some way shape or form, you know what i mean? contacting SAS or the agency you were told about really does need to help you along with the RIGHT way to simply handle all the things you and your child simply NEED to know hon.

getting things handled by the people who do just work with victims and also know the tendencies of children and what can happen after this type of thing occurs is just really sooo important right now. while you may think this extra attention and finding out what happened is traumatizing her, it is actually informing her about what is the right way and the wrong way. that is the part that she needs to truely understand just so she knows how truely wrong the behavior itself is, do you know what i am trying to say? by dropping this,alot of really important things simply will go untouched/unlearned that just could make this one huge impactful learning experience. it will empower her to the very best ways of just knowing she DOES have the ability and the control to say no, to anyone, even later on when she is dating boys, that no means no. and anyone who does not listen is the "wrong" not her,and she DOES need to tell. but i seriously would see about getting someone from SAS or the other agency you mentioned involved in this hon. your child was violated by another child. that is a big deal given how this was played out on her, and the docs actual findings.

by the way, if this other childs father is a cop, go thru the county sherriffs dept if the the law gets involved. they are two totally different branches of law enforcement. and they would also investigate this a bit differently too. i do hope you will persue this for her and for you too. it is VERY hard to take in what happens to our children in this type of thing, but like i mentioned before, doing things in all the right ways as a huge learning experience and giving her power(just letting her actually know she has it at all) here, really is so important for your childs overall well being now and in the future. i do wish you luck with all this. but you, yourself really do need to speak to someone from an SAS agency, just to vent off your feelings right now too. it will help alot, trust me. they simply do KNOW what you are also going thru right now. this did not just happen to your child hon, it also happened to you too. please take care and keep us posted. hang in there jazzmine, you both WILL get thru this together. marcia

 
Old 05-05-2009, 07:15 PM   #8
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Re: My toddler molested by another toddler

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jazzmine1212 View Post
The crazy thing is when I ask her who her friends are at school....she names this girl as one of her best friends! She loves playing with her even though this happened. She seems happy and fine.
that right there tells me that your daughter will be just fine. it sounds like you had two little girls who are best friends who were innocently curious about their bodies. they are at the age when it's perfectly normal to want to explore down there.

that doesn't mean you should ignore the behavior though. i definitely think she needs to be reminded again that she isn't to allow people to touch her down there. but before you talk with her about it again, maybe it would help if you talk to the child abuse and neglect specialists without your daughter being there..... just to get their opinion on what happened and how they think you should approach it with your daughter so that she isn't traumatized unnecessarily. then if they think they need to talk to her, bring her in.

anyway, i'm sorry you are going through this. please let us know how things turn out.

 
Old 05-05-2009, 09:34 PM   #9
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Re: My toddler molested by another toddler

I received a call from her doctor today and he said the specialist needs this incident to be filed with the county child services before they can see her as a patient. He also said by law he has to report it. So he went on to say they may need to talk with my daughter and also contact the school and other child's parents. I was a little nervous about this, but he then called me back and said the social worker he spoke to from the county said they didn't need to contact me or see my duaghter because the story I gave was not suspicious...they were more concerned with the other child. They said someone is probably molesting this other child. So he asked me for the name and some other information of the other child.

I am glad that we don't need to go through the whole county system to see a specialist for my duaghter. I am also very glad that they are focusing on investigating on the other child and the school. Like most of you said someone is teaching that child horrible things. I haven't slept since Sunday, thinking about all this. It has been harder on me than on her. She doesn't even seem bothered by it. I'm sure to her it was just a game. I thought I was so close to her. I would ask her everyday what happened at school who she plays with! My doctor is going to call me tomorrow to get me in contact with the child abuse specialist. This should teach everyone a lesson that a child is never too young to be drilled about not letting anyone touch them. Not just tell them (because I did tell her) but to drill it in their head so it's not forgotten.

 
Old 05-06-2009, 07:37 AM   #10
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Re: My toddler molested by another toddler

glad to hear they are concentrating more on the other child here, really. what she did to your child simply "came' from "somewhere. that NEEDS to be investigated, thorougly. just because her father is a police officer, believe me, he is human too and who knows the real reason he actually even became a cop? there are many different reasons that mostly men, decide to even go into that posistion, some were powerless to stop certain things being perpetrated upon them as children, or they were picked on in school or who knows ya know? if this mans overall demeaner is one of great authority to that other child, SHE could be looking for a way to dominate and control someone else. its a really insane pattern of behaviors when we feel powerless and don't have any real control over a situation. one of the most powerFUL jobs that someone can have IS being a cop, ya know what i mean? and you can usually tell by how certain officers just 'act" how much of what they decided to do is for the better/helping people or if they are actually just looking for power and control.

the one thing you DO need to make sure of here, and any county service should actually already know this, that any investigating that needs to be done with the other family, is simply NOT done by the PD he actually works for. if he is a cop in the city you live in, it has to be handed over to another agency. or it would be a conflict of interest.

but the other childs home life needs to be investigated just to see what in gods name this child is being subjected to. it could be an older brother or someone else in her life that has brought out this behavior in that girl. the one thing that really bothers me, and believe me, you and your daughter have been on my mind here, is that it appears there was actual penetration according to what that doc told you? depending upon just how quickly this incident all happened would kind of dictate whether or not this other girl had done this before. curiosity is "hesitency" and the girl, if she had never done this before, would "draw it out"? because she would be somewhat scared too. but if this was a very quickly played out and very direct and deliberate act with possible penetration too, she HAS done this before to who knows how many other children, you know what i mean? just so you know, based upon what you told us, and espescially if she threatened your daughter(or family members with harm) in any way shape or form, either before the act or after, this would be considered criminal sexual assault in the first degree. if she was just a bit older, this would be what the charge would be, because of the possible penetration involved. but there are alot of other factors involed too.

how any sex act gets charged does depend upon what is done and threats made and if weapons were also used. every little thing just "ups" the severity and the level of charge. they are really starting to look at acts of children much more closely now than when i was working for the county about ten years ago? some very violent acts are just unfortunetly being seen in children that you never ever would have imagined even ten years ago. children ARE very much products of their own environment, ya know? it is really sad. but getting that other child some help so she too understands just how truely wrong this act is/was, and to find out if she is doing this to other children and getting that behavior to just stop, before this really gets out of hand.

based upon how you stated YOU re feeling about this whole nigtmare, i really cannot stress enough to you, yourself, just how much you need to speak to someone from any level of SAS type services. these people just know sooo much more about all aspects of what happens to a 'family' when this kind of thing occurs. you just need the experts here to tell you what you need to do not only for your child, but for you too. child protection and other county agencys have a very different type of training geared more towards the aspects of child abuse and not so much sex assault issues. if this sas is availiable in your county, they are NOT the same as any level of a true 'county' service that has really strict mandates, you know what i mean? you do not even have to always give your name either. they are there for the victims and the secondary victims too, which IS what you are, the secondary victim right now. most SAS is thru volunteer women who are just advocates for sa victims and family of victims too. this would just do sooo much for YOU. you just really need to be able to speak to someone for you, about how this is impacting you right now. what you are actually feeling right now IS normal, very normal.

i really am so very sorry for what your whole family is having to deal with jazzmine. i do hope all is well with your daughter and stays that way. but do what you have to to just protect your child. and the best possible things for you. and do NOT let anyone, just because of who that other girls dad is, sweep this under the rug. stay on top of it,at least for the other childs sake too. she IS in some insane type of situation right now and very much DOES need very imediate help too. take care,and please do keep us posted. Marcia

 
Old 05-06-2009, 02:02 PM   #11
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Re: My toddler molested by another toddler

I live in the Los Angeles county and I'm sure they know what they're doing here. I'm not from a small town in the US. My daughter just told me today that she didn't want to go to school because she doesn't like that girl. First she's her really good friend but now she doesn't like her. She's done that before where she flips from liking her to not. I told her she doesn't have to play with her and that she can say no I'm not going to play with you. She said she was mad and wants to hit her because she is angery at her. I'm starting to see this other side as to how mad it made her. Apparently she's told my daughter that she HAS to play with her. I said no you tell her no and you leave. I also told her to tell the teacher and me what happens. It was her first day back at school and I was with her for the most part. The teachers made sure the kids were playing opposite sides of the playground...but didn't make it obvious. I had left for a few minutes to speak to the principal and teacher about what the doctor said. They were shocked that there was damage inside her. The teacher was in tears. I told her it wasn't her fualt, but I'm upset too. Anyways, I went back to the playground and my daughter came running to me telling me that the other girl came to play with her and my daughter said no I don't want to play with you. My daughter was so happy telling me this. I think she finally feels empowered. My poor baby. I feel so so bad she's had all these feeling bottled inside her. Oh I can't wait to see a therapist. I really want to heal her.

 
Old 05-07-2009, 07:51 AM   #12
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Re: My toddler molested by another toddler

i really am glad she does feel this girl is not to be trusted or played with at all, she sounds very smart for her youg age(your daughter). the one big issue here and the school should already know this by now, is that the other girls parents need to be told to take their child elsewhere from now on(and make darn certain SHE recieves therepy too). if that girl did this to your daughter, and she also seems to be somewhat demanding, it will happen or could easily happen to another child too. THAT is what you really need to tell the people at that school. the school KNOWS this occured and the level of the violation to your child. that IS a huge liability for them now, you know what i mean? they 'owe" safety and security to all of the other children whos parents send them there. she is a predator now and they know it and to knowingly leave those children around her, well they could end up with a much much worse situation on their hands if they just do not do the right thing here.

you and the other parents do have the right to demand she be removed asap. this is just not a good situation to have those children left in. just look at how quickly it happened to your daughter? i am certain if the other parents actually knew what took place, they would be pulling their children out of that school in a heartbeat. that school is just liable now that this has happened and they know it. as manipulative and strongwilled as that other girl really sounds, she could probably either threaten or manipulate another child very easily when she is alone with some child or even in a bathroom. it just should not be tolerated and your daughter should not have to even deal with her or even see her anymore. it is the responsibility of the childs parents to just do all the right things here. they can be held liable too if they do not handle things properly right now and just do get some help for their daughter too.

you really should be so very proud of your daughter jazzmine, she IS now learning alot of what she needs to know just to keep herself safe, and mostly telling you everything. what a great daughter. i do hope they will get that other child out of that school soon. you DO have certain rights now jazzmine since you are the mom of a child who was victimized by another child at that school. make certain they do everything they can for your own daughters well being right now. and of course to keep the other children safe. please keep us posted hon, and do take care of yourself too right now. marcia

 
Old 05-07-2009, 11:33 AM   #13
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Re: My toddler molested by another toddler

The police department called and left a message today. A detective. But I have not called back yet because I'm thinking it's a confilict of interest since the girls dad works there as a cop. Any suggestions? I called the my daughters doc office and they said not to call until the doctor knows what's going on.

 
Old 05-07-2009, 09:43 PM   #14
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Re: My toddler molested by another toddler

So I talked to the detective today and he came over. It went very well. He said they are going to investigate to find out where this girl learned to do this act. They will probably talk to all the kids in her class and take it from there. Now I'm not sure if I should see a therapist or just leave it alone. She knows what the other girl did was wrong...and I've never seen my daughter try anything even close to what that girl did to her on her baby sister. So I know she understands that it's wrong. She seems happy and fine. I'm not sending her to school anymore because today she said she didn't want to go because that girl is there. I'm not going to pressure her. I also am worried about sending her to a therapist and having the poor kid relive what happened to her. She's only 3 and I'm thinking if she just doesn't go to that school anymore and forgets about it then she'll be fine. A couple of you said that. I'm just always second guessing myself as to what to do. Today when I asked her why didn't she want to go to school she said because that girl was there. I asked her what happens when you see that girl...how do you feel? She said I get mad! So I told her don't worry you don't have to go to school. Poor kid...I think she's finally realizing what was done was wrong. I'm so confused!

 
Old 05-08-2009, 01:12 AM   #15
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Re: My toddler molested by another toddler

I was shocked when I read this I have never heard of a toddler molesting another one I mean I know kids get curious and will touch there own or anothers if they are put in front of each other naked but wouldnt the older toddler had to have seen this behavior from somebody else in her household? Or its possibly happening to her and she was just repeating what was being done to her.. This is just my speculation of it.. keep us updated.

 
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