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Old 07-08-2010, 07:27 PM   #1
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Un Ruly 2 year old

This question is prob. asked alot but I'm gonna ask again. My two year old girl is out of control she wont listen to her mother or me, doesn't do what she is told. Sometimes if my wife explains things to her she will do it but very rare. It seems she would rather get a spanking than do what she is told, I can give her a spankin she'll cry but she wont do what she is told she just comes to me and wants me to pick her up. She has an older sister but she was and still is very easy and smart. We dont do the whole be more like your sister thing. So we don't have a whole lot of experience with un ruly kids were just out of ideas...:di zzy:

 
Old 07-08-2010, 09:55 PM   #2
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Re: Un Ruly 2 year old

I have raised two sons, and never felt a need to spank them. It is very confusing for a two year old to have his own parents (or anybody) hit them. What in the world could an innocent child of 2 years do to deserve to be hit?

When teaching our children, we need ot use patience and understanding. As parents it our duty to teach our children without violence, outrage, or pain.

Usually children act out when they are seeking something they need, whether it be attention, guidance, or love...something is missing when a child acts out. Keeping that in mind, when our children act our, we need to stop, and determine what the child needs, and help them solve their problem. It takes a little more time, and a lot more patience, but in the long run you will have raised a young person who will pass that on to the next generation.

2 year olds do not have the ability to comprehend right and wrong, so the spanking does not help them learn, rather it only creates fear and trust issues. Hitting should never be used, unless your message is to hit when angry or to solve problems. Children will mirror the treatment they have endured when school age gets here. Your choice to hit your daugther will turn into her hitting other children, and she will have a whole new set of problems. Do you think your daughter notices that her sister never gets spanked, but she does? Please learn some effective and loving ways to teach your precious daughter.

Last edited by writeleft; 07-09-2010 at 01:33 AM.

 
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Old 07-09-2010, 12:50 AM   #3
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Re: Un Ruly 2 year old

I agree with writeleft...at 2 years old,your child does not know right from wrong.You were lucky her sister was so well behaved,but most two year olds ARE hard to handle.Ever hear of the "Terrible twos"?

Spanking at this age will not teach her what she should or should not be doing.If you must discipline,for instance if she is getting into something she shouldn't and does not listen to the word,"no",then a light tap on the hand is sufficient or a time out in a playpen can work wonders.

 
Old 07-09-2010, 05:52 AM   #4
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Re: Un Ruly 2 year old

I totally disagree, except for the spanking part.
If you let a two year old manipulate you, while you exude patience and loving kindness, you get what you deserve, which will most likely be a selfish little tyrant who will do whatever he or she can to manipulate you more.
A lot of you can take a shot at me for that view, but I raised 5 kids who were not my own by age 19, many nieces and nephews as well. Then, I had three of my own, and raised 30+ foster kids. My wife is helping to raise a wild 2 year old as we speak.
You find out what is precious to them, and take it away for bad behavior. You give it back when they agree to behave. It might be a toy, or a trip to the park, or seeing TV.
Give them a time out. Don't vacillate. Set a limit, and let them know that you are sticking to it, come hell or high water. Above all, show solidarity with your wife. If the two of you aren't on the same page, the kid will find a way to pit one against the other, baiting one parent while making the situation look abusive to the other parent.
Been there, done that.
My kids are some of the finest, most compassionate, most civic-minded kids anyone would ever want to meet. I am proud to be in the same room with them, let alone have helped to raise them.

 
Old 07-09-2010, 11:47 AM   #5
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Re: Un Ruly 2 year old

Tommy has a point. Spanking teaches nothing. But taking away something that they value does. If she loves a certain doll, it goes away for a couple of hours. Two year olds are like dogs...they have the memory of about 5 minutes. I think Dr. Phil puts it well....if you do a "time out" make it 1 minute for every year of the child's life....2 1/2 minutes for a 2 1/2 year old.

I'm now the grandmother of a 2 1/2 year old. My kids never got a single detention in school, both graduated as members of the Honor Society and both graduated from college(worked their way through). Both have worked since age 16 and were on their own since college. My son is married, my daughter, an independent single woman. She too was like your 2 year old......a feisty, smart, independent little girl will grown into a feisty smart independent woman if given boundaries, not punishment. There is a difference. She must learn what is not right and what is and you have to teach her, not hit it into her. Spanking does not teach boundaries but removing things or giving time outs does.

Think of it this way......when you go work and do something you shouldn't, does your boss beat you up? No, they do something like dock your pay or demote you or put you on probation or the do something to let you know you did something wrong and they want you to now prove you know what you did wrong and they you'll try to right that wrong. With a 2 year old, that translates to taking away something favored for a short(and I do mean short) period of time or a short time out then tell her what she did wrong and then forget it and go on. If she repeats it, then you repeat the teaching but take away something else....you haven't found her favorite thing. Just like the boss does with you...they find a way to get it through to you what you did wrong. But unlike work, your child can't quit her job of she doesn't like the bosses rules so you have to even more fair.

If you start discipline/teaching by hitting, what are you going to do when she gets older? She'll be on the phone to child protective services so fast you won't know what to do. So you need to learn now how to deal with her personality now. She's not her sister and that may be very good.

It worked for me and is working for my kids. Just remember, she 2 and she's supposed to be emotional and testing everything...that is the job of a 2 year old. But now it's your job to start slowly but surely implementing boundaries....not punishments.

In case you have questions on what the difference between boundaries and punishment is, I'll give an example. If she hits her sister and you punish her by spanking her, what has she learned...that you can hit her but she can't hit her sister...that makes no sense to her. But if she hits her sister and she is made to go sit in a special place(a time out place) for a couple of minutes and then is taken to apologize to her sister and then must go and play by herself until she can control her actions and calm down for another 5-10 minutes...that is teaching boundaries.

Boundary 1- don't hit or you are removed from the situation immediately. Isn't this an adult boundary too? Aren't the courts and jails filled with people who didn't learn this lesson as kids?

Boundary 2-that you should apologize. Another adult responsibility that all too few adults do and a great thing to learn while young. We all need to apologize more than we do.

Boundary 3-you should go calm yourself down. This is so hard for all of us and so valuable. All too many teens/adults use alcohol or drugs to calm down...learning this now may stop problems later.

Teaching your child how to calm herself down is one of the most important things you can ever teach your child. Spanking never teaches that. It just makes them even more upset and less calm.

Good luck. My little girl was just like yours and now she is just the greatest young woman you can imagine. She is well liked and respected at work and has tons of friends. She sees no reason to marry unless and until she finds the mature person she wants to spend her life with.

And I'm proud to say my granddaughter is exactly like her. Your daughter will do well if you can teach her boundaries.

Jenny

PS...I was the same way and I was spanked and actually abused....I had to learn the hard way by teaching myself.

 
Old 07-09-2010, 12:59 PM   #6
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Re: Un Ruly 2 year old

Ok I really appreciate all of the advice but I think u are focusing on the spankings to much, its not like I follow my baby around spanking her every time she does something wrong. We only use it as last resort when nothing else we try seems to work so I am here asking for advice on what we can do other than spankings from people who have delt with this issue before, not to get lectured on spanking, but dont get me wrong I really appreciate the advice.

 
Old 07-09-2010, 04:03 PM   #7
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Re: Un Ruly 2 year old

When your 2 year old refuses to stop doing something, gently physically remove her from that and direct her in another direction/activity. In other words do not allow her to continue doing as she pleases.

At that age they need to be redirected many, many times during the day. Yes, this takes time, patience and parents will need to get up and do the redirecting rather than remaining comfy just telling the child to stop something. You will be telling them many times to no avail.

At this age a child will repeat the same offense over and over, they have a short memory.

When instructing a child to not do something or to do something, don't be too wordy. The more words you use the more confusing it will be for the child. A simple firm "no" and remove them from what they are doing and interest them in something else will pay off in the end. Yes, you may need to repeat this a dozen times for each offense. Some children will go back and go back before realizing they will not be allowed to. Persistence pays off.

Some parents use too many words and talk the situation to death, it falls on deaf ears. or they tell the child something and shrug their shoulders, turn their hands up as tho they have no clue what to do about the matter. This allows the child to be the boss.

 
Old 07-09-2010, 05:29 PM   #8
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Re: Un Ruly 2 year old

If it's different techniques you're looking for so you have a variety to try, I'll share an oldie.

Back when my kids were little in the late 70's early 80's. there was a book out called The One Minute Manager.....it was techniques for managers to use in taking care of employees who are not performing up to expectations. It all went down in 1 minute.

So it was adapted to The One Minute Parent. When you child misbehaved, you took them into your arms in a giant bear hug...and I mean a bear hug so that they couldn't move...just wrap the arms around them and hold them tight enough so they can't get away and you have their attention and are right in their face. If you have to sit down to wrap your legs around their, you can add that too if you need to. It wasn't harmful or hurtful but just powerful. And then you tell them what they did wrong and what you expect them to do about it...like stop hitting or stop doing whatever. You tell them quietly what they need to do about it like go calm down or go play by yourself. Be firm while holding them firmly. This "discussion" goes on for 1 minute(the whole idea... fast but powerful) and then you put them down and it is forgotten and you walk away. Repeat as necessary. It is letting your child know just who has the power...literally....and that you have expectations that they will meet and there is no options. Power without being painful.

My son had a habit of hanging on to the door handles on either side so we couldn't get him loose and scream. I'd grab him and hug him nice and tight and would tell him that I was not going to listen to him scream as he hung on the door and that he needed to go into his room and play quietly until he was calm. The tight squeeze definitely got his attention and he would go into his room and play. He knew who was in control and who was going to win the battles. Boundaries.

At least until he got stronger than I did and then I needed new techniques.

Anyhow, this was recommended by a therapist and it worked with him but it didn't work so well with my daughter. She'd just kill me with whining. Didn't care if I was in control, she just wanted to whine about it. Boy was that a challenge!

We all try different things but this one might be worth trying too.

You should see what I did to stop my son as a teen from swearing!

Good luck...she's 2! Bet she grows up to be president with her strength!

Jenny

 
Old 07-09-2010, 11:06 PM   #9
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Re: Un Ruly 2 year old

You were given a few things to do other then spank,

Playpen,time out,taking away things that are important...
And I want to add that while I don't have a lot of kids,I have one very well behaved 12 year old.I was a believer in spanking until I had her.Never needed to do it though because just a stern tone of voice was usually enough to make her listen.
And while saying too much to a child may fall on deaf ears,logic can actually work wonders on them.

My daughter listened less to my husband who only told her "no" and left it at that.
I would say "No,because..." and tried to explain things in a way she would understand.

Last edited by WhenItRains; 07-09-2010 at 11:27 PM.

 
Old 07-10-2010, 02:02 PM   #10
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Re: Un Ruly 2 year old

Quote:
Originally Posted by porterkyle91 View Post
Ok I really appreciate all of the advice but I think u are focusing on the spankings to much, its not like I follow my baby around spanking her every time she does something wrong. We only use it as last resort when nothing else we try seems to work so I am here asking for advice on what we can do other than spankings from people who have delt with this issue before, not to get lectured on spanking, but dont get me wrong I really appreciate the advice.
Unfortunatly, spanking is an issue which people feel very strongly about. Taking all the advice I think you have alot to work on. Having been a teacher and A Mum, Its my opinion that spanking is no bad thing if used correctly (not in schools but by parents). I would take all the advice given, talk over with your partner / wife your boundaries / rules and stick to them. It will be hard, and make a clear structure / routene in your house. Over praise her for the good things she does.

And don't give up, nobody can prepare you for parenthood its hard, well done for asking fro help. Remember also, what works with ne child may not work with another. Sometimes its trial and error. We all make mistakes.

 
Old 07-21-2010, 02:38 PM   #11
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Re: Un Ruly 2 year old

There's a lot of good advice here. I have a very unruly 4 year old who started out a an unruly 2 year old. She really tested us at first, and there were spankings-because that is how my husband and I were raised.

Our first child, who is 8 now, was easy too-so we were lost with our second for awhile. I found a lot of the tantrums and carrying on was from frustration. I just decided to try one day in order to calm her down, to give her a hug and hold her. She calmed down and was immediately better behaved once she could calm down to try to explain what she needed/wanted. And, a hug gave her reassurance that I still loved her and wanted to help her.

But, definitely taking away things they hold dear works. If my girls are fighting over something, I only have to threaten to take it away so no one can play with it, and the fighting stops very quickly.

I wish you luck-it's a long road, but definitely worth traveling.

 
Old 07-23-2010, 09:03 PM   #12
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Re: Un Ruly 2 year old

Tommy said it exactly right, the whole thing!!

And if your last resort is hitting, you are not too bright. If you can't outsmart a two year old, that is sad.

Take things away, walk away etc.

For instance,.."do you want to go to the park tomorrow?" Give her time to answer "yes". "then get over here and brush your teeth" (of course if you have already planned to go to the park) Turn off TV shows. Bed with no book whatever. Two year olds are supposed to say no. It is a part of becoming a human in the word, and not an attachment to mom's boob. But they want their treats and toys too... So THINK for a sec.

Also the fact that you talked about your "perfect" daughter and how you don't pit them against each other is evidence that you do. Stop that! So you have one independent, stubborn child. That are GOOD qualities to have. Even if they may seem hard to parent.

Good Luck

 
Old 07-29-2010, 03:13 PM   #13
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Re: Un Ruly 2 year old

I won't focus on the spanking issue, except to say that I do believe there is a point where it's the only thing that you can do to get your child's attention, NO, it does not mean you are an ignorant parent (two year olds can be very manipulative), and if it's done in the right way (and YES, people, there is a right way), spanking will NOT confuse your child about hitting.

As far as ideas for other forms of discipline and getting your daughter to listen to you..... well, I think the easiest and most effective form of discipline for a two year old would be time out, but you have to do it right. Time out needs to last for one minute per age of the child. So for your child, 2 minutes. When you put her in time out, tell her, "You are in time out because you did...." whatever. Then stop talking to her and walk away. She needs to stay the entire time IN time out, not running around playing. If she gets up during time out, calmly get her and sit her back into time out without talking to her. When she has stayed IN time out for 2 minutes, go back and talk to her about what she did to get there. Begin with, "Why did you have to sit in time out?" And go from there.... and do it EVERY SINGLE TIME she misbehaves. Consistency is key!

If you are consistent, it doesn't really matter which form of discipline you use, she will get the message and she will learn. Well, the exception to that rule is spanking. I do not believe spanking should be used as a consistent form of discipline.... and it doesn't sound like you are doing that, anyway.

Also, the most effective discipline happens immediately, not tomorrow. Tomorrow is too far away for a child to process, and they will not associate their behavior with the tomorrow consequence. Discipline for any misbehavior should happen immediately so that your child will learn that, "When I do X, Y happens." Does that make sense?

Last, I don't think there is anything wrong with pointing out your other daughter's good behavior. Phrases like, "Oh, look at how nicely Sister is eating her dinner! Great job Sister!" can motivate younger siblings to want to do better and they want that kind of praise, too. And when younger daughter is doing good things, heap that praise on her as well!

Hope this helps!

 
Old 07-30-2010, 05:18 AM   #14
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Re: Un Ruly 2 year old

I find at this age - more so than discipline, is PRAISE! You have to spend more time praising and making a big deal out of the good. Use rewards if you have to - stickers or even M&M's when you see good behavior occurring.

I think disciplining a 2 year old can be tough because they don't understand a lot and are learning about their world. My son didn't quite understand time out until he was 2 1/2.

But I will say it again - spend more time with praise at this age. Be patient with tantrums and walk away from them. Ignore negative behavior.

And I am sorry to say....wait until she hits 3 years old. LOL! Good luck!

 
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