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Old 10-05-2005, 09:01 PM   #1
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Atthis HB User
worthless

I feel worthless right now. I'm too sick to go to school; I feel awful. It's my usual symptoms, but magnified 10 times. Lying around is all I've had energy for; but then of course, when you're a high school student, you can't just lie around; I keep stressing about homework and falling behind, and especially about the fact that I've had so many absences in just the last few weeks, that if I'm absent much more, I will have to repeat the semester (which I will NOT do).

I want to give myself permission to rest and get better, but there are so many demands, from other people and from myself. My dad is pressuring me to go to school at all costs. My mom wants me to stay home. I don't feel like either of them really understand what I'm going through. I keep feeling like it's my fault I'm sick. And the stupid labwork hasn't come in yet so we still don't have anything tangible in regards to what is actually going on.

Plus I had to cancel with my horseback riding instructor/boss, which makes me feel like all my life's opportunities are just slipping down the toilet ... like I'll never accomplish any of the things I want to accomplish, or be able to live the kind of life I want to live. My perception is very distorted right now.

I don't want to be taken care of, I don't want to have to stay home from school, I don't want to lie around the house all day feeling completely worthless and stupid and like I'll never amount to anything or even get away from home. I'm supposed to be becoming independent. It's all just ... very frustrating.

Anyway. Thanks for letting me rant (not like you have any choice, hehe).
-Atthis

 
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Old 10-06-2005, 01:20 PM   #2
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NatashaW HB User
Re: worthless

I can relate to what you are going through. I am too sick to go to school right now also (although I am in college) and had to drop out, again, this quarter. I pretty much just sit around the house and have days where I feel totally useless also. I just have to think that "this will pass" and things won't always be this way. I am always tired but have been especially so this past month. So things do improve..the don't and might not get great, but they will get better. Your health is the most important thing and your teachers should work with you so that you don't fall behind or have to repeat a semester...do they know exactly what is going on?? I also used to ride horses. It is difficult when you have to give up the things that are important to you, but when you aren't healthy your health must be your focus. Try to remember you are still young and have so many opportunities in your life you haven't discovered yet..

 
Old 10-06-2005, 02:41 PM   #3
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Taglia HB User
Re: worthless

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Have you been to the doctor. Many things can lead to tiredness (low iron levels). I hope you feel better soon

 
Old 10-06-2005, 03:48 PM   #4
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Atthis HB User
Re: worthless

Thanks for being supportive ... I have been to the doctor and am waiting for lab results. It's overdue!

Natasha, as you said, I do have to keep reminding myself that I have lots of options. I haven't tied myself down to anything. Horses are really important to me, but even if I can't work with them, as I was beginning to hope before my illness got worse, there must be some way I can still keep them in my life; right? Even if I can't ride anymore for a long time (which hopefully it won't come to that) there are plenty of lovely, sweet, unrideable horses waiting to be adopted by someone who will love them. I have known a number of them, in fact.

I have tried to communicate to some of my teachers what is going on, but it's difficult because I don't have anything tangible to give them...

If they even ask me what my symptoms are, I don't know where to start, because I have such a long list of them, and they all come and go in severity, so one day the headaches and nausea will be the worst, the next it's sore throat, fever, and swollen lymph nodes, the next day it's dizziness and black-outs. Argh, how'm I supposed to make sense of that?

Well, I could tell them I'm tired, or fatigued, since that's pretty consistent -- but what high school student isn't tired? The word doesn't really communicate the fact, does it?

I am feeling more positive today than I was yesterday, though. So that's something.

--Atthis

Last edited by Atthis; 10-06-2005 at 04:52 PM.

 
Old 10-07-2005, 03:48 AM   #5
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kiya HB User
Re: worthless

My advice would be to take each day as it comes and try not to think about the future much at all. Focus on obtaining some specific goal each day, even if you think it's a small thing. At the end of the day having achieved whatever you set yourself you will have achieved something and that's important.

As for the fatigue - I've given up trying to explain it to other people. They never understand that normal tiredness doesn't even come close.

kiya

 
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