I suffer from chronic pain and so I don't get out much to socialize. I know I've lost some of my socialization skills. All of my friends have moved on, and I've bben left behind. I relly would like to make new friends. I'm really not out there enough to have the chance.
Here is my question, when you first meet some one (romantically or not), should you mention your disability? Sometimes I tell people a little about my condition and the automatically flee. Other times I don't say mucha nd am accused of misleading. If you would like to have a relationship with some one, when do you start talking about your situation, and how much do you tell? I hav'nt really found a balance yet. What do I say?
Also when you first meet people or run into someone you hav'nt seen in awhile and they ask how you are, what do you say? I know sometimes when people ask how you are they don't really want to know, it's just the form the greeting takes. So do you just lie and say great? Say theres good days and bad, or that life's tuff? I run into my parents freinds, and just don't know what to say. And then when you 1st meet some one, they usually ask, so are you in school, do you have I job (the pain is too much for either), so I kinda have to mention somewhat about the pain. Or I'll have an actiq in my mouth and they'll ask what it is. Has anyone found a good way to deal with discussing their pain? I know I'm kinda rambling, but I can't be alone in this problem. I don't want to run off potential friends or boyfriends with my situation, but I can't leave them in the dark, they find out eventually anyways. HELP!!!
Re: When people ask "How are you?", what do you say?
When I run into old friends and such and they ask how Ive been. I always lie and say Im fine. Your right, its really just a question, most dont care too much. They dont wanna hear about my problems. What would I say anyways "Oh, Im just not doing to well, got this whole back things going on". Then I would have to explain or they would ask questions, yadda yadda. I would just rather avoid that. I just say "I'm doing ok, what about yourself?". As far as you talking about getting back out there making friends or potential relationships, I think you need to come up with a short explaination of your situation. Like when they ask what you do for a living, you need to come up with a line, like "Well, Im not able to work right now, got some back problems going on." Or go into a little bit more detail but not too much. If the date progresses or you get closer to this person then yeah you can go into detail about everything. Like you said, coming right out with it might scare them away, or they might not know what to say. If its an old friend or something, I would lie and say Im doing ok. If its a boyfriend I would have that little phase that consists of a couple of sentences just briefly explaining why you arent working or going to school. If you two get closer, then you can talk more about it.
Ive come to find out that people sometimes just don't care what you have been through. If they dont have back problems, they cant understand anything. And I find it really hard to explain my situation to some people. I always try to briefly explain my problems but I dont make it out to be a big deal to them. Thanks just my opinion, sorry its so long. Hope it helps!!
Re: When people ask "How are you?", what do you say?
I usually say I have a pain problem that has put my life on hold for now. (I don't metnion that it has been on hold for 10 years). I then leave it to them rather they want to ask and know more, or leave.
Re: When people ask "How are you?", what do you say?
I've taken all sorts of different roads answering this question, and what works best for me, them and any other party involved, is by flipping the conversation onto someone else...ANYONE ELSE...just NOT YOU. Later on, if someone REALLy cares, they will have picked up on your change in direction, .....then they will find you at a more respectable time, and ask you in private. It feels better to be asked in that fashion anyway.
I hope the name Lifelost is not as painful of a subject for you as it sounds, btw. that screenname stung me as unforgiveably painful for someone to be attached to.
Re: When people ask "How are you?", what do you say?
Bab's, I chose the name because wht I feel what I'm living is'nt really a life. Many of the things that life consists of are absent from my life. I kinda consider myself to not really be living. And so many lives have been lost to chronic pain suicides that I don't want those people to be forgotten, I don't want those who feel like me to feel alone. It's a constant factor in many of our lives. Thank you for caring.
Re: When people ask "How are you?", what do you say?
Well I know each day for me is a struggle with the pain I have and deal with and have no solid answers from my dr's. Very frustrating. And I get down in the dumps allot. ANd I have also lost allot of my friends because most of them were also my co-workers and the other ones I would go out with or travel with. And now I do none of that. I can't even work right now. So yup times are hard. I did hear a very good statement made by someone that also suffers everyday with pain and it really helps me. Whenever I get real down and feel like giving up I just tell myself the little statement that guy made. And it was... We can either get busy living, or get busy dying and I really want to get busy with living! I have kids to live for and take care of and they need me and I need them also.
Re: When people ask "How are you?", what do you say?
Yeah...I was inspired recently by 2 quotes. I'm a real sap when it comes to taking in people's words and using them for my own direction on that particular day.
1) "It's not what happens to you. It's how you react to it."
2) "Live like you mean it. Love like you feel it."
I have a lust for life that saves me from many dark nights. However, I'm an analyzer...a dissector by nature, if you will. So, I need to make sure that I have thoughts that make sense to me. These 2 quotes have been keeping my mind steady for awhile now.
Re: When people ask "How are you?", what do you say?
Hi, I do know what you're going through and at this point when someone asks how I am, I just repsond with "Doing fine, and yourself"?. Just as others said, many people don't want to hear about the pain (especially if they can't see that you have it). I only tell people my situation if they specifically ask. As for dating, in my own experience (doesn't mean it's like this for everyone), even if they knew about my medical issues, they thought it wouldn't be a problem, but lo and behold, turned out it was and suddenly contact was stopped. So unfortunately now, I don't even think about dating anymore. Same thing happened with my so called friends, and I also have pulled myself away when I get flares or pain issues with my spine b/c I know most people dont' want to deal with it. Or they just don't understand how much it limits your activities. So I wish I could offer more advice, but at least I know what you're going through.
Re: When people ask "How are you?", what do you say?
Life Lost,
I just find people dont care how are you, its just a comment, like awful weather. I find it easier to say good thanks and you? If they really care how you were, they would have called or they would have picked up the phone. I had a good social life before my back, but now I don't and friends have dissappeared. Peoples lifes are so busy, they don't think of you are how you are managing, if I hear once more "I ment to call you, but I'm just so busy......." "you look great", and I just say yep, its my back I'm complaining about !!! My pain has made be bitter towards these kind of people, but more thoughtful in other ways. If if hear there is something wrong or there sick, I will phone, sometimes it just shows them up !!!!
Re: When people ask "How are you?", what do you say?
I don't want to lie and say I'm great or even fine, because if people find out about my problems, they don't take them too seriously (since I just said I'm great). Those who know will sometimes really be interested in how I'm doing, and generally you can tell. For the most part, though, "how are you" is a polite question and merits answers like:
"Hanging in there, and you?"
"Not too bad, and you?" (Yeah, cuz you've had worse days, but they don't have to know that.)
"Better than I deserve."
"Still breathing and still kicking!"
"Content with what God has given me."
"Improving with age."
"Better and better." (They don't have to know that you're still hurting.)
If they know you're having chronic pain and ask further, some other simple answers would be:
"Me and my Vicodin have become good friends, so I'm okay."
"Some days are better than others, but we can all say that!"
"Well, compared to my great-grandma, I'm doing really well."
All of these, of course, are said with a grin. Sometimes you gotta muster that up, but it's worth it to be able to have a conversation NOT all about you and your problems.
If they persist beyond that, maybe they really do care and you can answer with more detail. I always keep in mind, though, that no one wants to hear about how awful life is everytime they talk to me. (No, my life really isn't awful. Sometimes my pain is, but I'm blessed and refuse to forget it!) I find it good to deflect these questions except for a small select group of committed friends.
I hope one or two of these practical suggestions will help someone else.
Re: When people ask "How are you?", what do you say?
Good question. I respond hanging in there. I really don't tell anyone how I am feeling and admit that I tell everyone on the board more than I do my own family. I feel that the individuals on this board have more of an understanding to the daily chronic back pain cycles because you are living it.
Re: When people ask "How are you?", what do you say?
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueAtlas
I don't want to lie and say I'm great or even fine, because if people find out about my problems, they don't take them too seriously (since I just said I'm great). Those who know will sometimes really be interested in how I'm doing, and generally you can tell. For the most part, though, "how are you" is a polite question and merits answers like:
"Hanging in there, and you?"
"Not too bad, and you?" (Yeah, cuz you've had worse days, but they don't have to know that.)
"Better than I deserve."
"Still breathing and still kicking!"
"Content with what God has given me."
"Improving with age."
"Better and better." (They don't have to know that you're still hurting.)
If they know you're having chronic pain and ask further, some other simple answers would be:
"Me and my Vicodin have become good friends, so I'm okay."
"Some days are better than others, but we can all say that!"
"Well, compared to my great-grandma, I'm doing really well."
All of these, of course, are said with a grin. Sometimes you gotta muster that up, but it's worth it to be able to have a conversation NOT all about you and your problems.
If they persist beyond that, maybe they really do care and you can answer with more detail. I always keep in mind, though, that no one wants to hear about how awful life is everytime they talk to me. (No, my life really isn't awful. Sometimes my pain is, but I'm blessed and refuse to forget it!) I find it good to deflect these questions except for a small select group of committed friends.
I hope one or two of these practical suggestions will help someone else.
Take care,
Emily
Great reply. I copied it to keep.
One thing I have found out the hard way is to never tell them you take Scheduled pain meds. Most just don't know how it is. I pray every day for something to take the place of my pills and patches. I had trouble even when I told my sister.
Re: When people ask "How are you?", what do you say?
Hi there. I thought I would chime in here. For the general day populous, I say Im fine to those who ask. If it's someone I have not seen in long time, my first answer is also, I'm great! Then if I see that the person is actually wanting to engage in true conversation, then I may explain my back injury, chronic pain, surgery, etc.
You have to learn to gauge people from the typical "how do ya do's", from the true "How are YOU" types.
I never lie, but I will refrain my telling the real tale, unless they are close friends or family, and even that, I keep it brief now. Most don't get it, so there is no point in trying to explain it anyway.
But in the beginning, I got really detailed with it all and they could see the pain on my face, or the way I walked.. it was obvious I was in so much pain. The pity I received was not what I wanted at all. I don't know what I was seeking, but that certainly wasn't it. I think I was just looking for a good ear. This was all before finding this board of course.
I learned people hurt just as bad for me and felt helpless to help me too. People never avoided me or anything like that though. I was constantly surrounded with friends and family, to which I am eternally grateful.
But I learned that I felt better when I wasn't the focus or the center of the conversation. But rather, I was more a "normal" person engaging in "normal" conversations in which my back was not discussed, but rather the everyday life things. I was much happier that way and it helped to fulfill some margin of normalcy, despite the chronic pain I lived in.
The power of positive thinking is crucial to us all here. We should always allow self pity, but only to a point. Then we have to pull from within to push out the negative thoughts and remember to constantly fight for the freedom we seek.
Hope this helps in some way. Take care.
__________________
"believe in the beauty of your dreams"- E. Roosevelt
L5/S1 bulging @ 18, now 46; still there (but no pain)
Fusion at L4/L5 Apr -2006
Solidly Fused Nov-2006
A Success, but still improving!
Re: When people ask "How are you?", what do you say?
Hi,
A couple of my favorite answers are: "On the mend" and "Upright and mobile". That way if they do not really want to know, they will say thats good and move on with the conversation. If they know me very well, they will question further. The big problem I run into is that my daughter and husband get around a lot more than I do and they tell everyone I am doing really good, even though my recovery sucks so far. That makes for an interesting conversation.
Re: When people ask "How are you?", what do you say?
Hi everybody! I guess I'm at a point in life where being a hermit is easier than dealing with idiots. I am sick of the people who ask but if you tell them their eyes start wandering like they are looking for an exit. Then there's the ones who offer the suggestions like you really need to try coral calcium or some other miracle cure. I just wish this would go away and I could get my life back. Thanks, Fred
Re: When people ask "How are you?", what do you say?
Interesting topic...
I also think that peole ask you just as a nice greeting. I never go into details, just say:"Thank you I am OK, and how are you?".
I have very close friends who are very healthy and don't like to talk Doctors and health issues. So even though they are the ones who we see every week - we don't talk much about all my problems. They were there for me when i came home after surgery bringing food, helping my husband... So i take them they way they are.
I have a very good girlfriend also who suffers all her life from KT syndrome so she is only one (becides my family) who i can honestly talk about my problems since she goes through tough times pain wise all her life and can undrstand me very well. Rather than that - i am OK.
People don't want to know or hear - so why put your own problems on their shoulders? Personaly i care for people very much and i am very sensetive if somebody has health issues and do understand what means to leave in pain, but i never make this a conversation topic with people.
If I would meet somebody i would not talk about my health issues on a first dates. Later on, when you will know him/her well enough you may discuss some of it.
Re: When people ask "How are you?", what do you say?
When people ask How are you? I usually reply Physically or Mentally? This usually provokes a chuckle and we can move on without me having to commit to an answer about my pain level for the day and how I am.
My boss, who is aware of my back history and my pain levels, will look at me, tilt his head and say, mental, it's going to take less time today! I am dealing with my parents who are slipping...mom being in a locked Alzheimer unit and Dad with an Abdominal Aorotic Aneurism, 7cm, and vascular dementia-living in Minn. while we are in VA. Sometimes the mental actually overtakes the physical! But I digress...
But I will launch into a painful hilarious discussion of my toe or my hangnail or split ends...to drift away from the pain which athough I don't mind sharing, is sometimes too personal for some to hear....
Re: When people ask "How are you?", what do you say?
Babs to your question I'm on a home computer so I'm alone, if that is what you mean. I'm lucky enought to have p[arents that love me being around and are great about dealing with me. I live with them, since I can't really live alone. And no I don't mind you asking. Thats the thing that used to really get me. I appreciate it when people ask questions. When I was in high school, instead of my friends asking about the things they wondered about they would make up their own answers and assumptions. It really go to me when I would hear that they were talking behind my back. They would be saying things like " why is it she can't go to school yet I see her out having fun on Friday nights" (we had get togethers to watch movies for two hours) as if they thought I should never get out and enjoy myself. Or they'd be confused about some things I was able to do and some I was'nt and go around saying that they thought I was'nt really in pain, or that if I just tried I could be out of pain (as if just wishing something hard enough makes it so), as if I did'nt try everythign I could think of.
I know I'm kinda off subject and rambling, but anyway, I appreciate it if peop;e wonder something and they ask about it. If they really care I don't mind explaining.
You know it's interesting. When somethign first happens to you some people are so concerned and nice (though I don't like pity either), but as time goes on and your condition persists, they kinda fall of the wagon of love, and the "get well" cards, casseroles and people willing to help dwindle to nada.
Re: When people ask "How are you?", what do you say?
Yeah that last one got a little to long so I started another.
I try to make sure that I imply some humor when people ask questions. Keep it kinda on the light side. I only really have serious "heres how things really are" talks with my parents.
When people ask "How are you?", what do you say? 
