I am fighting the battle of the blues and could use some encouraging words. For those of you who haven't read any of my previous, voluminous posts, I'll try to make it brief....I have fibromyalgia pain, horrific insomnia, restless legs syndrome, sleep apnea, tendonitis, sciatica and nerve pain (lower back pain and deferred pain in my arm). For these ailments, I take Celebrex, Ambien CR, Phenergan, Mirapex, Lyrica, Flexeril, Xanax, occasional Vicodin and have recently had oral steroids and steroid injections. I am also attending physical therapy for the tendonitis and to strengthen my neck muscles, in an effort to improve the nerve pain. Oh, and don't forget CPAP....so much fun for an insomniac.
Over the 15-plus years that I have suffered, I have gained a great deal of weight, whether from medications, lack of sleep, or just illness in general. I have tried every eating plan known to man. I don't drink soda (Cokes, etc.), drink alcohol, eat chips or cookies. No matter what I do, the scale won't budge. I haven't slept in the same bed with my husband in 10 years (he snores really badly!). I have put up with my share of bad doctors, multiple surgeries, judgmental people (including family), loss of job and income, financial disaster and huge medical bills.
This latest episode with tendonitis in my right (dominant) arm has just about finished me off. I cannot lift or grip much of anything, and despite therapy, it is not improving. I wasn't doing much before, but now cannot do ANYTHING. Hubby's job ends May 30, so, our (meager) insurance does too. Until then, he works out of town all week, so I am alone to "hold down the fort," which becomes overwhelming when you can't use your hand or arm.
When does it stop? Will I ever feel better again? Have I done something that is causing God to punish me, or is there some lesson I haven't yet learned? I just am feeling so weary of life's struggles and being in pain all the time.
I know many of you have it much worse than I do, with horrific injuries and surgeries as well as financial issues. I try to look at the positive, but I am having a hard time right now. How do you get yourself up when you are feeling this way?
I do appreciate everyone on this board....just need some cheering up, I guess.
Hi Tex, I am sorry you are carrying so much on your shoulders right now and am glad that you shared it with us. My therapist has given me some advice that I will share with you - it actually is the best advice I have ever received. Sometimes you just need to give yourself permission to feel sorry for your situation, cry a bucket of tears and eat a pint of ice cream. Take a few days, a week or a month, then you need to say okay I have eaten enough ice cream for all the kids in the neighborhood and shed enough tears. Now I need to find that inner strength and pull myself together to go on with life.
As far as the weight thing in the scheme of what you are going thru, it is not worth worrying about. Lyrica and steroids are probably adding to this and you need the med for relief so what can you do about it? The steroids are probably adding to your overall outlook of life in general as well.
As far as the insurance and medical bills my heart goes out to you and I wish our healthcare system was run completely different.
Again, I am sorry and pray that tomorrow will be a little easier for you. (((HUGS))))
Tex: I am so sorry you are in so much pain, both physical and emotional. I know I have felt that way before. Pepper is so very right about giving yourself permission to have that big old pity party. I do it at least once every couple of months. And please don't ever feel that your buden is any less than any of the rest of us. Pain is pain. And there is no such thing as "good" pain. (I don't care what those dang body builders say)
The weight thing is so common when you have a debilitating disease, let alone several of them. The meds change metabolism, and many diseases can alter it too. Maybe, down the road, you can talk to your doc about something natural to help with that, but for right now, just let yourself feel and respond to that feeling. Let it out, every chance you get. It's really hard being a woman with CP. (I don't want any complaining from the guys....I'm not being sexist, and there really is truth to this) Wives and moms aren't "supposed to get sick". We are the ones who are alledgedly the "strong ones". When I first started having anxiety and panic attacks, my husband actually said to me....."but honey, you were always the strong one". I said "no, I'm not as strong as you think and I never have been".
You have not lost favor in God's eyes. He is not trying to punish you. You've done nothing wrong. I felt that way when we lost our youngest. I thought for sure, I had done something unforgiveable. But thanks to my family and friends, I realized that God had truly blessed me to have had her for the time that we did. It may not seem like it right now, but keep your faith and trust in the strength that we all posess inside and this will become a distant memory someday. I'm not saying you will never have a bad day again, just that you'll be better equipped to deal with it.
Talk to your doc or docs, and tell them what this pain is doing to you. Make them understand that it has left you feeling you have no quality of life, and you need help. Also, I just want to add, that going to see my psychiatrist was one of the best things I have ever done for myself and my family. I know you mentioned insurance changes coming, but there are programs out there for all ranges of income and some docs will help you out with a sliding fee, based on what you can afford.
God Bless you and please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know it will be all right, in time. Just since I've known you here, I have seen what a wise and compassionate person you are. ((((Hugs))))cmpgirl
This is one of those times when I wish there were magical things to say to make everything all right. Your pain and frustration are palpable.
Diet and cmpgirl have already offered the best advice. I just want you to know that I care about you and that it hurts me to know you are suffering AND feeling all alone. I can tell you on the authority of scripture that you are far from alone that your heavenly Lord is right there with you with arms outstretched. And with tears in His eyes, suffering alongside you. Those nailpierced hands longing to hold you. He wants you to just let go. He will cry with you right where you are. He doesn't want words or confessions or apologies - just you. He knew you by name before He made this world, and He intends to spend forever with you, but right now He just wants you to let go in His arms. He loves you Tex with an everlasting love.
Thanks to you all for your empathy and encouragement. Most of the time I am able to stay upbeat, but lately, after trying yet another diet and nothing coming off, and being so restricted in movement due to my arm, I have been down.
I know God is in control, and He can make good of anything. I know that my illness has made me much more sensitive to others suffering, and to really focus on who I am as a person, and not what I look like on the oustide, and to do the same for others (which I typically have). I just gotta get a handle on this pain, and hope the doctor will help me with a PM plan that will do the job.
Thanks so much for caring. It means so much to me, I cannot even put it into words. I know God has sent each one of you (and me) here to this board to help each other. He can work miracles, and I think the fact that we help each other so much, "virtually," is a testament to that fact.
Tex, my gosh, I do feel for you. you know I have been told so many times that god does not give us more then we can handle, I do not believe he punishes us but do think when it gets to be to much we all let that enter our minds. I cannot tell you how much I feel for you right now, went through something of the same over a year ago, husband laid off, I was off work due to medical, & I thought I would loose it, really loose it. I really prayed for strength. I sat in the bed & prayed.
That is to much for anyone person to handle alone, I don't care who you are. Half of that is hard enough. I will keep you in my prayers that things improve. you are a strong women, you are proving that just by reaching out here. I wish there was something I could do, I read your words & was transported back in time & boy was that hard. Same thing , family not understainding & so on... So I have been in your shoes & I know how it feels. Pray & don't give up, of course we will be here for you. Sammy
Tex, my gosh, I do feel for you. you know I have been told so many times that god does not give us more then we can handle, I do not believe he punishes us but do think when it gets to be to much we all let that enter our minds. I cannot tell you how much I feel for you right now, went through something of the same over a year ago, husband laid off, I was off work due to medical, & I thought I would loose it, really loose it. I really prayed for strength. I sat in the bed & prayed... Sammy
I can relate to this.
When I first suffered depression I thought I was going to lose it. I called family and was rebuffed. All they cared about was that I held it together so they wouldn't have to step in and help too much. All I wanted was a sympathetic ear. And it did seem like God was absent and angry with me. Why else would He be so quiet? These times are so hard. And I'm glad we have each other to lean on.
you post touched me and I want to give you my shoulder to cry on. When i get blue days, i always remember on a back of my mind that another, better and sunny day is on a way. We all go once in a while through tough times, we are humans... So you can cry, you can feel sorry for yourself sometimes, but always remember that this is just something which goes away and you will have a better days ahead of you.
I'll share with you what helps me a lot to go through blues. I love my kids and my family more than words can say. I had a great deal of pain in my life, had many major surgeries, and many serious health issues.
But no matter what I am going through i always think: could be worse. Personally the worse what can happen to me if something happens to my kids or my husband. Rather than that nothing is that bad.
When my son was only 13 he was diagnosed with lymphoma. We took him every 3 month to Sloan in NYC to have CT done. I saw babies under chimo and teens who were doing their homework with one hand and another was attached to chimo IV.
Each time i was leaving that place i was crying and thinking that this is the worse what can happen, nothing else can be that bad.
So this helps me to go through my uneasy (health wise) life, severe pain 24/7 through all my childhood due to RA and reumatism of muscles and soft tissue, and much more.
I shared this with you thinking maybe it will help your "blue" thoughts. I believe in mind and body healing.
Weight? I used to leave in gym: 4-5 times a week, 2-3 hours each time. I used to be so fit and thin. When I went for my first surgery my surgeon told me I will be out in no time because i was in great shape.
Well, I was not out in no time and still not, but with not being able to move much, with steroid treatments, tons of meds i am not fit anymore, no muscle tone at all and i gained since my spinal ordeal about 15 pounds.
I was worry about it, not anymore. I watch what i eat, i walk when my body lets me. Of course nobody wants to gain weight, I am happy for "good days" when I can move and that is it. Hope you, me and all of us will start feeling better and go back to active life, than we will get back our thin bodies.
I hope you will get a better day tomorrow and remember, honey, we are here 24/7 for you...
I just wanted to let you know that you have done nothing wrong and even though it feels like you are being punished, it's merely life happening and sometimes it's hard to take. I can't believe how many of us are just having a very, very difficult time coping with life right now, including me. You have been there for me many times and now I am trying to be here for you. First of all don't worrry about the weight thing right now. In the big scheme of things at the moment that is almost insignificant.
I would start looking NOW for all the assistance available. I just helped a friend of mine with cutting down on his expenses and getting some assistance. I would also look to see how many of your meds you could get say somewhere like Wal-mart and see how many qualify for their $4 generic plan. You may need to go on something else besides the Ambien CR since I know for a fact this is expensive to pay for full price. Of course you could also sign up for Patient assistance and their are plent of sites out their that help with this. Look at the top of this board for "assistance with prescription expenses". Their are also plenty of sites online that help and even going to each drug manufacturer's site, they have applications you can sign up for assistance. I would check out Wal-mart, Kroger, Giant Eagle or any other place around you that offers $4 generic prescriptions, this can help SO MUCH.
I will pray for you that you are able to remain strong and that things will work out.
I know how you are feeling and it has been brewing for a few days aswell, as you mentioned in a thread that I had posted and there you were offering me advice and all I can do is the same. We cry we laugh and we are in pain. It gets on top of us somedays and on top of us more on other days.......... I find the best think to do is sit and cry............ get it out of the system.......... yell how unfair this is for you and family and friends.......... and you are not going to put up with it.................. I dont know how many times I yell God in the next life i am going to be a jellyfish (maybe watching to much spongebob !) Why a jelly fish you are now asking if I am completely mad...... No spine............ so that is what I want to put in for in the next life.
Weight............ please dont let it get to you. I am underweight for my height and there is nothing worse, you look sick........ and then of course i have sure no wonder your in pain, your so thin.......... (Oh god she has other problems !!!). I look gaunt when I am in pain, it just sheds pounds. No matter how much I eat. All you can do is eat right which you are doing and please god when all the meds are sorted and you are feeling abit better and some gentle exercise you will be able to control it better.
I am sorry I have no wonderfull advice to offer but I just really wanted to give you my support and let you know I am there for you.
Y'all are so great....it humbles me to have such wonderful people reaching out to encourage me. It comforts me greatly. I know your prayers are helping, because some of the sense of despair has started to lift a bit.
I know it could be worse. I have such respect for many of you who deal with pain while holding down jobs, running businesses, raising families, etc. It boggles the mind what we try to do despite the impaired function we endure, but I suspect that most everyone who posts here is a fighter, unwilling to give up the fight for some kind of normalcy in his/her life. When one of us is down, the rest rally to our aid. Thank you so much for your prayers and kind words.
At least I'm not totally crazy...Today, Mrs. Cardinal (the avian spouse of Mr. Cardinal, who live in the wooded area behind my house), decided that she saw a rival in the reflection in my family room windows, so she has been furiously throwing herself at the window and chirping like mad all afternoon. Mr. Cardinal has come over a few times to check it out, but he cannot seem to get through to her. My cats would love to have a shot at it....
Anyway, it got me to thinking about an old story I heard at Christmastime a long time ago. It concerned a man whose wife and family were pleading with him to accompany them to a Christmas church service, and he refused, saying he really didn't believe in God. After they left, a storm started coming in, with the temperatures dropping. He went out to his barn to check on his animals and noticed some birds, flying around wildly as the storm approached. He tried with all of his might to shoo the birds into the barn, waving a broom, shouting, for them to move into where it was safe and warm, but despite all of his efforts, the birds would not go inside. He thought, if only these birds would accept the free gift of shelter I am offering, no strings attached....and then, bingo, it hit him....he himself was ignoring God reaching out to him with the free gift of His mercy and grace.
I know God has a plan for me, but He just hasn't sent me a copy yet! I must wait patiently for it to unfold.
Thanks again for your prayers, and know that I keep each and every one of you in mine, every day.
Texmom,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I read and re-read your post. Then read it to husband who was yeah....... yeah,,,,,,,,,,, I said my god her neighbours sound daft,,,,, he looked at me and burst out laughing (and he still is) ....... He told me it was a bird ye have over there........... What a fool i felt........... i just had to give you a laugh. We dont have those birds over here........ he is still laughing..............oh god I will never live this down.......... and now ye all know... I dont care though because I really really didnt have a clue. well at least I can laugh about it !..... Good night, I will blame it on the meds. ! Night night
Diet the sad sad part is I was'nt messing. I honestly didnt know what texmon was on about. I thought it was a wooded area and someone living there..... I think the Mr. Bit threw me........ Maybe you need to homeschool me !!. We dont have those birds here and never heard of them. The only cardinals we know are in the church !!!. But it made us smile and it has certainely mad my husband laugh.....