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Old 05-26-2008, 06:22 PM   #1
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I totally lost it today

Hey everyone I am having one heck of a time here with this whole acceptance of cp. I am ashamed to say I lost it with my family today. I realize I am trying to push myself & it backfired. I have woke up the last several morning with barely being able to raise either arm & forcing myslef to be as "normal as I can" for my family. I can honestly say I have no clue what is normal, but the stress level is as bad as the pain. Between worrying about my job & my family & getting into PM its taking its toll.
I just could not keep up any longer & trying to finish dinner I lost it, threw a temper tantrum & my nice tossed salad went flying. Needless to say my family was speechless. I just lost it. The whole time I was trying to make dinner, I kept thinking I can't do this, I can't keep up this pace & I can't stand the pain & trying to act like everything is normal. I think I had a breakdown that was building up. I felt so darn angry. I told my family that I can't be the old me anymore & I am tired of trying.
Ended up in my room crying & asking why me? All of my adult life I have taken care of others. I ran into an old client that I had helped with her mother earlier today & she told me I am the best at what I do & that got to me because I know my career to pretty much over, with out big time help, & I will never be able to do the physical aspect of it anymore. I am just really feeling majorly stressed & probably alittle lost.
I have a feeling I am going to have more of these days. I took my daughters aside & apoligized & explained to them that I am alittle afraid & in alot of pain. I explained that its not the kind of pain that I can just take an asprin for. Although they are abit older I don't think they understood. I know I had to have my daughter help me do my pants up so they are slowly coming to realize. My husband I am struggling with, he is having a hard time with this & I felt so angry with him. I just cant be super women anymore & I am tired of worrying about it.
I am calling my surgeons office tommorrow. I have no clue how I am going to approach it but I am asking to get into pm, I have had it. I am also telling him I am upping my meds, he told me to take more if needed but at the amount he gives me I am always in need of refills & I have been trying so hard to not up the dose. The muscle relaxer does not agree with me & I am prayining he will help me till I get into PM. He wanted me to wait the full 6mths of post op which is the end of june & try the osteo, but the osteo does not think she can do much for me. Mean while my job & family & life is in limbo. I just think I have had enough.
So tell me is this normal? Any suggestions on how to approach the surgeon or better yet his office when I call? I know I can't do this anymore. I am getting worse & I just can't take the stress & pain. Everyone has a limit & I think I have reached mine. By trying so hard to be "normal" I think I was misleading even myself. I needed to talk to someone who understands because It is really hitting home that no matter what, the people around me just don't understand. Thanks for letting me vent & please offer any suggestions, Sammy

 
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Old 05-26-2008, 06:37 PM   #2
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Unhappy Re: I totally lost it today

Oh Sammy:

((((Gently huggles))))

Chin up my sweetie. This is, IMHO, a normal part of the acceptance/grief cycle, and of coming to a realization that we are having to let a part of our old lives go!!

I'm not one to give A LOT of good advice because I still struggle with this aspect (somewhat) too, BUT, I do remember the whole, I am WOMAN, hear me ROAR, must be superwoman, super wife, super MOM, etc, and when I finally had to "give over" some of those (well frankly MOST of those duties) to my fantastic Hubbs, I had a few outburst.

Mine were of the "crying jags" type. I'm not one to blow up. My hubbs and I (who just made 24 years) have NEVER had a fight, so I don't tend to "explode". I tend to bottle things up, and then I CRY, CRY, CRY. I have always been uber emotional, and cry when happy, sad, or whatever. So that's how it affected me.

I think you are going to be fine Sammy, just be sure to keep communicating with you family, and let them know what is going on with you. I would also perhaps request to see the pain psych (if there is one) at the facility where you are seen.

Hope this is of some help to you Sammy. I will definitely keep you in my prayers.



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Old 05-26-2008, 06:49 PM   #3
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Re: I totally lost it today

Hi Sammy~
I was just signing out, because dinner is here, but I wanted to try to help you out.
How old are your daughters, again? If they are really young, then what you told them is exactly how I would tell my children. I have a child just turned 12, and he is always so helpful and the most sensitive child ever, and thats not due to my CP, that is just him. He is an angel.
Sometimes, having CP, being a wife, spouse, parent, chauffer, ect. is just TOO much.
It really is...
So when you have a meltdown like you did, you need to remember that you are trying to wear 5 hats, or more.
Dont feel badly about your outburst...youll only feel worse. Try to explain to everyone what maybe they can do for you, in baby steps, or little things, that can help take the pressure off of you, no matter how small the effort.
Maybe one night someone can order dinner, if you have the means to do that and if not, even helping make Kraft noodles and sliced hot-dogs., well that to me is luxury when I cant cook!
Dont be hard on your self...that will only make it worse.
I know my family members mean SO well to help me out, ect. But they really dont get it. BUT they DO try to...And if you can help them, it really makes them feel better, and you as well. I really hope this makes sense...
xoxoxoxo,
IZZY'SMOM

Last edited by IZZY'SMOM; 05-26-2008 at 07:05 PM.

 
Old 05-26-2008, 08:19 PM   #4
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Re: I totally lost it today

Hello Sammi. I just couldn't help but to reply to your post. I'm so sorry you had to get to that point, but I can relate to your situation almost to a tee. I'm the sole bread winner of the family, and I try so hard to do the things that I used to do, at work, and at home, but it just isn't happening. I took my kids camping last weekend for our annual mushroom hunting trip, thought everything was ok, and I woke up through the night Wednesday/Thursday am suffereing the worst spasm that I have ever had. My wife wanted to take me to the ER, but I just begged her not to touch me and let it subside. Probably stupid that I didn't go, because I ended up missing work the rest of the week anyhow.
Acceptance has been the hardest thing for me, and I don't think that I truly have accepted my fate yet, but I have not closed the book on hope either. I have an appointment at the U of M spinal clinic in less than two weeks, and I am praying for a miracle.
My wife is a godsend and has helped so much, I think it is harder on the kids because dad can't do the things that he used to, but they are starting to come around and become a little more helpful and understanding, but I'll tell you, sometimes they let me know that I'm a downer, and I try to explain to them why politely, but it doesn't always work that way and the conversations get a little loud.
To make a long story short, don't be down on yourself for losing your cool, you have to let it go sometimes, or we could not get through this hand that we have been dealt, the pain, frustration, doctors that won't completely listen, family that has to re-adjust, work that has to go on somehow, insurance companies and the loops we have to jump through to get anything done,and the list goes on.
I'll keep you in my prayers, and thank's for posting.

Steve

 
Old 05-26-2008, 08:59 PM   #5
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Re: I totally lost it today

Given the amount of preasure CP patients are under, it might be reasonable to ask your doctor for a few tabs of a tranquiliser, Valium, Xanax or some other, so that when it all starts to get too much, you can releive some of your anxiety/tension/frustration.

Of course, beheivoral changes, not trying to hold it all inside, not trying to do everything, letting people help, are going to be needed, but sometimes, i find, i am a ******* no matter what anyone does, and hate my self for it.... on those days, a "mommas little helper" makes it easier for me to be around me, and easier for others as well.

 
Old 05-26-2008, 11:20 PM   #6
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Re: I totally lost it today

Sammy, we all blow up from time to time. It come with CP. I agree it is time to call pain management doctors for both of us to get the pain relief we deserve. I would just explain to your surgeon that the pain is getting to be to much and you need some help and think a pm doctor is your answer.

I just recently sat down and explained to my children the pain that I live with everyday and tried to compare it to something they can relate to. For my daughter I compared it to when she flew over her handle bars and dislocated her jaw and my son to his ear drum bursting. I told them I live with this pain everyday. Since I did that they seem to get it and are very willing to pitch in and help.

My 12 year old daughter is learning to cook some very quick simple meals so that she can help out in those high pain nights. My son knows how to set the table and make a mean salad. Just doing this it has helped me alot.

One thing CP has taught me is that I can't be superwoman anymore and I have to let others help me. I don't like it but I have no other choice. Unfortunately CP rules me.

 
Old 05-26-2008, 11:32 PM   #7
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Re: I totally lost it today

Just occured to me that hydroxyzine might eb very useful to CP patients on "bad" days.... as well as having a tranquilising action, it is reputed to help improve analgesic provided by narcotics.... so, 50mg of Atarax could not only help you deal with the tension and irritability that comes with pain, it could also help your analgesics hit the pain harder.

Anyone got any experience of this?

Last edited by aussiejono; 05-26-2008 at 11:35 PM.

 
Old 05-27-2008, 05:54 AM   #8
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Re: I totally lost it today

Well thank goodness I am "normal". I am not pleased with myself but I expect that it was coming for awhile. I don't have young children, mine are 15 & 21 & spoiled, not with the materailistic things, how ironic never spoiled them like that, but with mom doing every little thing. Trust me that is a hard habit to break. It can & does greatly interfer with their lives. For example I have missed out on events & even been in bed for birthdays. Its easier to get them to change when they are abit younger. compared to how I use to be this is a complete turn around. I did everything & I mean everything. I push myself to the max & all my family knows is I will some how make sure things get done, but at what cost? I just cant do it anymore. I explained to my girls that I will not be my old self again & that it is new for me. I explained how worried I am about my future & told them it is going to take time & that I will be going into PM & that I need them to understand that I will probably have some bad days.
I am ADHD so I think this is even abit more tough to deal with. All this energy manifests into anxiety when I can't put it to good use. Being active is my outlet. My daughter has it to & I know if I were to try to restrain her she would go alittle bonkers, so I will reminding her of that.
You have all given me wonderful advice & It sounds like I am not the only one going through this process. I will be the first to admitt I am feeling the anxiety of it all & I realize it is going to take awhile to rearrange my life.
Today is the first step, I will be calling my surgeon to see if I can get in for an appointment to discuss pm. That will take one worry off my mind.

I honestly believe because my childeren are abit older they just are having a harder time with this. I am the dependable one in our family & they know it. Along with my children I spoiled my husband. His friends even make comments about it, like must be nice to come home & every thing is done. I have done everything in the past, yard, powerwashing the house, staining the deck, painting, I can't even tell you, just everything. Mostly because I enjoy it, but also to make it easier on him. My husband only has the use of his left arm, how ironic huh? After 23 years he is use me doing everything. I should have listened to all the people who told me I was spoiling my family.
As for my job, well I need to contribute to our income at this point.

I have had doctors ask me do I have to work? That should not make a difference, but yes for now I have to at least part time. I know my husband loves me & he does make an effort but at then same time he does not understand. He is very resentful of all of this & it shows, which makes me feel guilty. I did tell him he is really making this tough on me & I understood that it was hard for him to understand what it is like for me. I have taken up enough time here. I feel for you all & at least we have each other.
Pepper I guess we will be starting a new chapter huh? I will be praying that we both get into PM quickly & that we find good PM's. Sammy

 
Old 05-27-2008, 06:26 AM   #9
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Re: I totally lost it today

What you are going through is totally normal for those with chronic pain. Acceptance of it by you and by others is the most difficult portion of dealing with it. It's hard for us to admit we can't do it all anymore and it's harder for those around us to understand why or often they feel helpless.

One thing I always suggest is that folks find a pain management counselor or psychiatrist to learn methods of coping with the pain and accepting it. It isn't until we accept our pain, not give into it, but accept that it's a reality that we can make appropriate changes in our lifestyle that can often help in the reduction of pain itself and go a long way in the emotions and or depression we can suffer from it as a whole.

One of the things that helped me in learning to accept the reality of my situation is I went through an actual Pain Management course. It helped me to realize I'm not alone and that sometimes changes are necessary in our lives. The bigger thing that came out of it though wasn't that, it was how they at the time, helped my family realize that this is a reality and helped them understand what I continue to go through with each passing day.

I'm like you, I always take care of everyone but over the last few years that has diminished to the point where my husband and son have taken over many of the things I can no longer do. It's heartbreaking to say the least. I think its harder for me to accept the fact that I have to have help than it is to accept that I have suffered from CP since a child.

Finding a support group, which is really difficult, call your local hospitals can go a long way in helping you cope, understand, make changes and accept who you are now and what may happen in the future. The proccess does not happen over night, it does take time and not everyone is able to accept their pain but most can with the help of others.

Being honest with your family is important. If you aren't able to complete a task explain why it's difficult. Don't over explain as that sounds like complaining but if it's hard to do the dishes because it strains your back then ask for help and help them understand how it hurts you. Hopefully they will be supportive and lend a hand and pay you back for all the years you were there to help them.

Good luck to you
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Old 05-27-2008, 07:40 AM   #10
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Re: I totally lost it today

Sammy,

I am so sorry that you are in so much pain and having such a hard time!
((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))) )))))))))))))

I can not really comment on the family part, because I am the only one! I have no choice but to do for myself. It I had not had the workers comp injury before this neck injury, I would have been forced to work while in this pain. As it stands if something does not happen soon I may have no choice.

So, I can realte in the aspect of having to do so much. I get tired of feeling like I need to do it all and keep it all together.

Hon, I think like others said, this is normal to feel this way.

You know they are sending me to a Pain Psyc. before they will set a surgery date for me and at first I was irritated because I wanted everything now and saw it as just another "road Block" or "hoop" that needed jumping through.

Now I am excited about going and I am going to ask if there is someone that I can see on a regular basis about my emotions and thinking and pain issues. I think that Becky suggested this and IMHO it may be time for outside help in dealing with things.
Yes, the thought of doing so did bring up more icky feelings, but after a 24 hour and a slepp I felt totally different about it.

The working situation is a llittle different because I have not even made it to my dream of being a Nurse, but I really need to be preparing myself that this just may never be! I love to take care of people too. I am sure I would make a great nurse, and at the moment I can not even see myself doing anything else. I still hold the hope! But do prepare for this and work on the acceptance part.

One other thing that I really need to do when I am feeling like your feeling, and this is just what I do because it is not for everyone, it I seek Gods help more, because I can't do it on my own. I swear that sometimes God and praying is the only thing that gets me through.

I am praying for you Sammy, that something will change and you will get some relief soon. Acceptance of our lives in this condition is really hard and some days I have a whole lot of it! And other days I resist it! I go back and forth and I think that is pretty normal.

Sammy, Please give yourself permission to feel angry or upset! Permission to griev. It will pass! Sweetie, hang in there! We are all here for you! I do care for everyone here so much! Your not alone and we will walk through all of this together. Okay!? Okay!

God Bless
Chrissy

Last edited by skych; 05-27-2008 at 07:41 AM.

 
Old 05-27-2008, 07:45 AM   #11
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Re: I totally lost it today

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kissa View Post

Being honest with your family is important. If you aren't able to complete a task explain why it's difficult. Don't over explain as that sounds like complaining but if it's hard to do the dishes because it strains your back then ask for help and help them understand how it hurts you. Hopefully they will be supportive and lend a hand and pay you back for all the years you were there to help them.

Great post Kissa. I in fact did this very thing this weekend and my hubby looked at me dumbfounded. I never say I can't but this weekend I was in so much pain I flat out told hubby, I can't do xyz because it feels like a lightning bolt was going thru my leg. He immediately took over and said, thanks for telling me.

 
Old 05-27-2008, 07:46 AM   #12
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Re: I totally lost it today

Sammy my dear friend.....I'm sorry I have come in on this thread so late in the game. I just read through all of the new threads and posts that I could.I understand exactly how you feel. We have more in common than the myofascial pain. I was just like you. Always the one who took care of everyone else. When I had the rug pulled out from under me, I worried myself sick, thinking about how I was going to be able to continue to be there for everyone. Not too long after that, I found a CP support group at my local hospital and found out that I was not alone. I met people at all different stages of CP. Some were new, like me. Some had been at it for several years. I learned a lot about how to deal with the guilt. It is a process, and it doesn't happen overnight. Even if you don't have a place like that nearby, these boards are just as good.

You've made a good start by talking to your husband and your children. You will probably have to do it again from time to time. It is hard for them to comprehend and easy for them to forget, because they don't want it to be this way. Which is only human nature. My daughter was a little bit younger, about 13, when my CP started. And I don't care how good natured or responsible a child is, when they are teens, it can be a struggle. My daughter is finally understanding this and she is almost 24. As she has gotten older, she has come to terms with the fact that my life changed, through no fault of my own, and it had nothing to do with how much I loved or cared for her. There is an old saying ,that gets used in our house quite a bit...."It is what it is".
Please know that I am here for you. I will try to post more later. (As you know, I'm on "go slow" right now) Take care of yourself, for a change. As hard as that is, it's time. God Bless and many hugs, CMP/MM

 
Old 05-27-2008, 08:54 AM   #13
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Re: I totally lost it today

What would I do without all of you, I don't even want to think about it.
I am not sure but I think it is hitting home. I swear I am like a leaky faucet, I just start crying, my third cry this morning.
I am getting ready to call the surgeon here & praying for the best.
I have already thought about looking for a support group. As soon as I get control enough to go to one. I swear its getting worse every day, at least that is what it feels like. Yes teenagers are tough, it is the age where all the selfishness comes in & that is normal. I am the "koolaide mom" & explained to my daughter that I will do my best but will no longer make promises because I am big on not making promises I can't keep.One day at a time. I have no problem if they want to send me for pyhs. evel. or help. Heck who would not be alittle off or what ever you want to call it.
The funny thing is the last thing I want is to move to stronger meds & I am so careful with what I am taking its unreal. Perhaps letting the surgeon know how I feel will open a door for better pm by him while I have to wait to get into someone.
Thanks to pepper I know how to better help my family to understand. I am going to ask them to think back on times in thier lives, like the broken elbow my daughter had & have them kind of relate to my pain level. I think perhaps that is my best bet of helping them to understand.
I know how you feel Chrissy when your life & future is put on hold. It is tough, your life is in limbo.
you all amaze me at how strong you are. I have to say I have alot to learn from you all.
cmp, thank you for taking the time for me, all of you, bless you all. I am mentally keeping you with me while making this call to the surgeon.
Sammy

Called the surgoens office, first as always they reminded me of no guarentee to refill the meds, of course the surgeon will not be into friday. I told her I need an appointment to discuss my options & that I was in alot of pain with both shoulders. I also reminded her that the surgeon said he would treat me for the full 6mnths & that I was calling abit early because the pharmacy was minus 2 with my perc, they did not have enough to fill the amount on the script. Also that I have been seeing the Osteo as the surgeon suggested & at this point the osteo is fearful of making it worse. I also told her that I would have to increase by at least half of one to get through the morning, I really don't think she cared or got half of what I was telling her, I should have ask for an assistant to call back. Hopefully this next appointment which is june 16, will be the last time I have to go through all this explaining.
I also put a call into the osteo & ask to have her call back, I am going to ask her opinion on somethings, thank god that office was abit nicer. She will be calling back.

Last edited by sammyo1; 05-27-2008 at 09:54 AM.

 
Old 05-27-2008, 03:49 PM   #14
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Re: I totally lost it today

Sometimes, I think it is just easier to talk directly to the assistant or doctor because alot can get lost in the translation. I hope you get this resolved. I am waiting for a call back to - don't you hate it?

 
Old 05-27-2008, 06:43 PM   #15
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Re: I totally lost it today

Yes pepper I do indeed hate it, I was so frazzled & rushed I don't even know if the receptionist took down what I said or understood what I said, she was not friendly at all & I just know she got it messed up. Same old story every time I call. I finally lost my pateince & said the surgeon should know whats going on. No call back & I am down to a couple of pills for tommorrow. They don't tell you how far in advance you have to call for a refill & I swear the surgeon is never in this office, my husband said the same thing, every time I have called I am told he is not in till such & such a date & no promises. Well then the surgeon should not tell me he will treat my pain. Now of course I am worried sick & will have to call them back tommorrow.
The Osteo did call back & said it is indeed time for PM. She said she does not want to step on the surgeons toes but if I have a problem getting into PM call her. She also said it should not in my case take months to get in. Also said if she would have spoke to me before I called the surgeons office she would have adviced me to leave a specific message for him. I did tell her my worry & frustration with the office, having to worry about refills & so forth.
She said he needs to know that I can't get any therapy with out good PM & gives me credit for wanting to even try therapy again. She gave me the name of three PMs & said to go ahead & see who the surgeon recommends, he may recommend one of the same ones. She wants me to wait & see because he should be able to guide me better with a good PM, but she will help me if needed in that area. I am back to worrying about the refills & this is the hardest part.
Pepper I hope you get your call back, it is so sad that your life hangs by that one phone call. Good luck, Sammy

 
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