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Old 08-29-2008, 04:10 PM   #1
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Glad To Be Back, And Could Use Your Support Now More Than Ever! Izzy~

Hi everyone!
First of all, THANK you for all of the support that you all have given me while I have been going through everything. Im doing better, but i have been through some trials and have been dealing with something I never ever thought would happen to me.
Every thing really hit me hard...all at once this summer. Of course my Dad and his passing, was just devastating.
My pain finally is under control, and my doc is so wonderful and really lets me try anything I want. He has been amazing and supportive thoughout all of this, and Im one lucky girl. We got my meds right, and that really helped me get throuogh everything much better.
At one point with my pain coverage, i just called him and cried, and basically had a breakdown over the phone. He told me knew that with all that was going on, my pain would be worse, but he had no idea how much. so he basically told me whatever I needed he would be happy to provide. And he did.

This is really hard for me...this part. I am not an addictive person at all. Im pretty much a control freak. But I found myself not dealing with my problems in a healthy way. Im always compliant with my meds, but I started drinking more. My doc has told me that a drink a day or two is totally fine, if I drank but I started drinking more than that. Im not even a "drink a day" person, at all ever, but I became one. It was an escape, and I know it, but I was really at a bad place. I was drinking maybe 4 drinks a night. Not huge doubles, but enough to scare me and know that I was not dealing with anything. I felt like a horrible mom and person... Then I knew I had to get help, for sure. I had to tell someone. My hubby has a drink or two a few nights a week, and I would occasionally, but not every night. My son would see me drink at a cocktail party, but that would be Christmas parties, or things like that.

I told my doc what was going on, and instead of punishing me or making me feel worse, he arranged for me some help and I have been going to a really good therapist for a while now. She worked with PM docs for the last 8 years, and her husband got transferred here, and since there arent any PM docs here, she kind of just opened her practice for regular issues. so it really was a wonderful thing to have this person here to help me, and I would have had to drive 4-8 hours just to find someone who deals in CP and all of the issues. She is also one who specializes in addiction, for persons with CP, so hopefully she can help me steer clear of going down that road. I can say that while I was in the worst part, it really scared me. Im doing better but now out of the woods yet. I just wanted to let you all know where Ive been coming from, and hope that you will all continue to support me and help me get through this time. Im embarassed, ashamed, and all of the things that come with screwing up, and Im trying not to be too hard on myself. I have taken a "personal leave", if you may and trying to start slowly and not make things more stressful for myself.
Ive been focusing on my golf again, and have decided just to get ready for next year instead of going on with my demanding schedules and travel.
My son needs me more than ever now, and I dont ever want him to feel like Im not 100% for him. I have kept everything very well hidden from him, but kids can tell and they know, and he and I are so close that he can just about read my mind. Hes back in school this week and doing really well, and very happy. I cant ask for more.

I just wanted to let you all know whats been going on, and the worst is behind me, and Im concentrating on getting back to my old self. Ive missed all of you, and cant wait to catch up. I hope you will all still continue to support me and help me through this time. I havent had anything to drink for two weeks now, nor do I want to, so Im happy that Im doing better. I just never ever thought id turn to anything like dinking or ANYthing for that matter, to deal with things. Losing my father was the hardest thing. My son, of course would just kill me, and hubby too. Im just working on better ways to deal with things that are so horrible to go through. I just cant believe it happened to me. I always thought it never could...
xoxoxoxo,
IZZY'SMOM

Last edited by IZZY'SMOM; 08-29-2008 at 07:02 PM.

 
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Old 08-29-2008, 09:18 PM   #2
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Wink Re: Glad To Be Back, And Could Use Your Support Now More Than Ever! Izzy~

Hi Izzy'smom-I am so sorry that you have been going through such a difficult time...but so happy that you have such a great Dr. and now a therapist who understands what you are going through. I believe she is a godsend to you, being that she once worked with pain management. Also, your stregnth is obvious, since you were able to notice what was happening before things got even worse. You did the hardest thing by realizing you had a problem and w/o help, you would get worse. You stepped up to the plate and spoke openly with your Dr. and all of that shows stregnth on your part. I know you may not feel the stregnth and the embarassment that you speak of may make you feel weak...but know that is not the case. There are many who will not get help, because they either don't want to stop or they are afraid to stop, but you did speak up! I also am glad that you remembered and trusted that the people at the boards here, are here to support eachothers needs. Of course you will find help, support and love from those that are here and I would also think that you would get just as much help by introducing yourself to the addiction board. That may feel like a more difficult step to take, as you know us here and don't know those at the other board, but I am just as certain that if you were to share your story with them, they would not only be as much of a support team for you, but would understand you more than you can imagine and for that reason, they will not think of you as weak or anything like that. Just trust your instincts and do what you feel you need to do to get better, but never think that you are a failure...you are human. We all make our share of mistakes and all need to be forgiven and cared for, somewhere a long the line.

I will keep you in my heart and in my prayers and will keep an eye open for your posts.

(((Hugs)))
Lorie
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Old 08-30-2008, 04:55 AM   #3
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Re: Glad To Be Back, And Could Use Your Support Now More Than Ever! Izzy~

Izzy,
Let me start by saying, we are human & not perfect. That is part of life to fall down & get back up & start over. Well you fell down & now your getting back up & starting over. Not one person has the right to judge another. Of course we are human & tend to do that.
God bless that doctor of yours. He is a keeper & I wish everyone of us had a PM like yours.
I will tell you when my dad had cancer I did the same, drank abit. I guess we use it as a bandaide of some sort. Same with my mom. That was before I became a CPer. It did not last but I could not handle the stress of it all.

I fell apart with my parents illnesses & deaths. Ended up going to the doctors with both. After my mom died, whom I took care of for 5yrs. the doctor said that I had post traumatic stress syndrome. Sometimes we just fall.
I thought the death of my father would do me in. After all how was I going to go on without the biggest supporter in my life, the person whom I thought loved me the most. So I do understand. How ironic since I had a dream of both my parents last night. Woke up in tears.

It took courage to admitt you were heading down a road that was not healthy & you are acknowledging that & reaching out for help & understanding. You deserve both. Do not be ashamed, that breaks my heart to hear that. My goodness you have been through one of the toughest things that life can throw at us. On top of that you have a demanding life to begin with.
We are all here for you & I am so glad you have the help you need. You are a strong & wonderful person, you will be fine. While you are working on this we will all be here for you. We have become a big "family" here & that is what families do, stand by each other through the bad & the good.
Spending some down time & focusing on you son is a good start. Our children give us the courage & determination that we need to get through things like this. Stay strong & remember, to error is human. I am sure you know you will be in my prayers. I will add alittle extra for you. God bless, Sammy

 
Old 08-30-2008, 06:12 AM   #4
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Re: Glad To Be Back, And Could Use Your Support Now More Than Ever! Izzy~

Quote:
Originally Posted by IZZY'SMOM View Post

I just wanted to let you all know whats been going on, and the worst is behind me, and Im concentrating on getting back to my old self. Ive missed all of you, and cant wait to catch up. I hope you will all still continue to support me and help me through this time.
REMOVED

We've missed you. Honestly, I had a feeling something was going on, and I'm glad you got it all sorted out. You are a good person and have a lot to fight for. Your Doc is one of your best allies.


Quote:
I havent had anything to drink for two weeks now, nor do I want to, so Im happy that Im doing better.
I'm not a substance abuse expert by any means, but I would think that abstinence is best in most of these situations. You can do it....Stopping was the hardest part, and you're past that. Just focus on what you need to do and you'll be fine....You are a COMPETITIOR!

Take care, and it's good to have you back.

Regards,

Ex

Last edited by Mod08; 08-30-2008 at 11:50 AM. Reason: T.V. Shows are off topic.

 
Old 08-30-2008, 07:09 AM   #5
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Re: Glad To Be Back, And Could Use Your Support Now More Than Ever! Izzy~

(((((Izzy))))),

I'm so glad you posted. I just want you to know that I understand what it's like to have so much thrown at you, all within a short period of time. The old saying is that God never gives us more than we can handle. But I know, that sometimes, He sure pushes the envelope. I firmly believe that our loved ones, who have crossed, have the ability to be at our sides whenever we need them. I know your dad is there with you, through every step you take. (Mine certainly is!)

As the others have said, you've already survived one of the hardest parts...... acknowledgement. You took that first step and talked to the right people, and now you are well on your way in the process. So many people never get even this far. I just know in my heart that you will succeed in your journey to rebuild your life, stronger and wiser than before. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Please remember that we are all here for you, for whatever we can do to help. Just come on the board and vent, if you need to. Let us be your back-up therapy! It looks like you are building an amazing support system, especially with this new therapist. As always, you are in my prayers and I will add some extra for right now. Just focus on your yourself and your wonderful family, and I think you'll be amazed at how things start falling into place. Much love, and many hugs and prayers, CMP/MM

 
Old 08-30-2008, 03:48 PM   #6
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Re: Glad To Be Back, And Could Use Your Support Now More Than Ever! Izzy~

Izzy,

I'll always be here for you. I know it was hard to write this post. And I am so thankful you did.

Success, failure, sobriety, relapse, you name it - I'll be here for you. I have so enjoyed getting to know you and chat with you. I don't want that to change. I know you'd be there for me too. We're all in this together. And none of us is perfect.

I just want for you to be healthy, have your pain controlled and getting the most from life. If I can help, great. If not, we can just chat.

I'll always be on your side Izzy.

steve

 
Old 08-30-2008, 10:59 PM   #7
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Re: Glad To Be Back, And Could Use Your Support Now More Than Ever! Izzy~

Hi Izzy,

I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough summer. I think you should feel incredibly proud of yourself. You recognized you were using a substance to cope with overwhelming emotions and took action. It doesn't sound like you fell victim to denial [or, if you did, not for long]. You have shown a lot of courage and responsibility, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

I imagine this was very difficult, to go to your doctor and I’m not sure that seeking help so quickly would be a typical response for an alcoholic/addict. You should also be giving yourself a lot of credit for abstaining now - the painful emotions are still there, and you’ve given up a coping mechanism that gave you some relief. It would have been easier to just continue trying to numb those emotions with alcohol than to talk with your doctor and a therapist.

I don't actually think that slipping into drinking to cope with a very difficult situation means you are addicted to alcohol or that you will necessarily have a problem w/ alcohol in the future. It sounds a lot more like “problem drinking” to me that was precipitated by a huge stressor. As Sammy noted, you’re not the first to turn to drinking more to cope with one of the toughest things in life –losing a loved one, and a parent. By recognizing it and "nipping it in the bud," you may have saved yourself from developing an addiction. It usually takes some time for an addiction to develop and take hold (though I know that's not the case for everyone). It sounds like you caught this very quickly - possibly before your brain had a chance to make a really strong association between alcohol and escape or relief from problems.

And, as Chrissy said, only you can really know if you have become addicted or are an alcoholic. IMHO, the problem drinking developed b/c the amount of stress and emotional pain exceeded your coping capacity. I’m not sure this isn’t the best time to make a judgment call about whether or not you are an alcoholic/addict or not. I would suggest that you not worry too much about labels right now, what this means, or whether you can or can’t drink in the future, and just continue to do what you’ve been doing - get help and support from professionals. I think Ex is right about abstinence – for now, anyway. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were able to go back to the kind of light drinking you’re used to when some of the turmoil has passed, and when you have some additional coping methods like therapy so that there isn’t such a strong need to bury or numb the emotions with alcohol. I don’t want to sound presumptuous or sound like I’m encouraging you to drink again (I’m not, at least not now). Again, you’re truly the only person who can know if this is an option again in the future, or even what the right thing to do now is.

But I think that you've been doing everything right so far (except for feeling badly about yourself and embarrassed – which seems normal and understandable - I just think that focusing on all the things you've done right and continuing to get help now is the best thing you can do for yourself. It sounds like you’re taking steps to take care of yourself by taking some time off too which seems really healthy. Again, just my opinion, but you should really feel good about the way you have handled this. Also, if you’re trying to abstain, beating yourself up or feeling badly about yourself could be a trigger to drink. I hope you will give yourself the credit you deserve. You have so much to feel proud of yourself about right now.

Again, I wish you the very best. I’m so sorry you’ve had such a tough time and that there has been so much emotional and physical pain.
.

Last edited by Confused089; 09-01-2008 at 09:27 AM. Reason: REWROTE POST

 
Old 08-31-2008, 02:59 PM   #8
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Re: Glad To Be Back, And Could Use Your Support Now More Than Ever! Izzy~

Ex, Steve, Camp...
Thanks, all of you!
Ive been here, but just skimming through some posts, IM trying to spend the holiday weekend with my son and hubby since Ive been gone so much.
Things are going much better. Being home and getting back into my routine has helped tons.
I just wanted to post and tell everyone thank you, and that I hope you all have a wonderful holiday weekend.
Ill post more on tuesday, after school has started. Thank you for being here for me.
Im going to a specialist next week for my shoulder/back. I hope they can give me some answers, and if I need surgery the off season for me is the time to do it. I have had to stay under the radar for many purposes, and thats made it a lot harder for me. My doc calls me about every other day to see how i am, and my hubby and son are the best. Im in such a small community that even if someone would see my car at the therapists' office it would be gossip city, believe me. I dont feel like Im in the woods any more, I really feel happy that I knew things were bad. My plan is to continue my therapy and deal with my feelings in the correct and healthy way, and I feel a lot better for sure.
Its a cold rainy day here, and my back is killing me. We have been watching movies [sonny and I] and hubby is at a Pro Am tourney. Its been nice to veg out and lie low.
Thank you again for all of your support and love.
xoxoxox,
IZZY'SMOM

Last edited by IZZY'SMOM; 08-31-2008 at 03:05 PM.

 
Old 08-31-2008, 03:13 PM   #9
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Re: Glad To Be Back, And Could Use Your Support Now More Than Ever! Izzy~

Izzy,

Sweetie thank you so much for your honesty and for your courage! I know that saying all of this was a difficult but maybe necessary part of a process of healing for you!

I did not have a chance to read everyone's posts/replies to you yet, but I at least wanted to let you know that I am here for you!
I hope that you know I am more than happy to support you with the CP and the other stuff. If we are told to go elsewhere to discuss that stuff please Izzy, just send me out a post to ask me to meet you in an area of your choosing where we might discuss things more openly. I think you know I have a bit of experience with some of this so I am here for you. Also just because you felt you were drinking more than you would like does not necessarily mean your an addict/alcoholic. You and only you can figure that part out.

You have gone through so much in the past few months. Your Father's passing, the high and unmanaged pain levels. The process of trying to get the pain under control!! All the traveling you have been doing. Izzy that is a lot! A lot for anyone! I think that you have done a preety good job in getting through all of this. And I truly appreciate your honesty. When someone is so open and honest about what really is going on with them on the inside and how things are going on the outside too....well it just shows me that the person speaking is coming straiight from the heart!

Anyhow...sending out a big (((~Hug~)))

Chrissy

 
Old 08-31-2008, 03:37 PM   #10
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Re: Glad To Be Back, And Could Use Your Support Now More Than Ever! Izzy~

Izzy, Thank you for sharing what has been going on with you, and I hope by doing that we can give you as much support as you want. We all slip and loose sight of what things are important in life. Please dont be so hard on yourself, you have achieved so much and you were able to realise hello this isnt right and I need help, and you went about it and got it sorted. This takes years for some people.

Losing a loved one is just so hard, and I now know that when I sympathise with someone, I now know how they feel, all along I would say sorry to hear about your mum/dad........ and ask how you are doing etc........ but its like pain, you have to experience the loss of someone to know how awfull it is.
I lost my mum 3 years ago...... it was months before my sister and I could even eat properly, my sister kept shaking for about 3 weeks. We felt as if we had been rolled over, I kept waking and for 1 second when I would wake I'd say oh god what a bad dream and then realise it is true and then everything is just so hard to face and to get thru. We are now 3 years down the road and I still think of mum everyday. I still wake sometimes and I have dreamt she died, and then realise it is true. I still get upset at this, while now I can talk about my mum without breaking down, my father can't and he has turned into a very old man overnight. He is broken hearted.

The only advice Izzy I can say to you is that you will never ever forget your dad. But in time you learn to live with your loss. But that is a whole lot different than the happy life before.

I can only imagine your pain at a time like this. Thankfully you had a Good PM. The only good thing I see that came out of my back was that I spent alot of time with my mum and they were happy times.

Izzy be kind to yourself and also praise yourself for getting so far. I will be thinking of you..... your friend, round1

 
Old 08-31-2008, 03:38 PM   #11
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Re: Glad To Be Back, And Could Use Your Support Now More Than Ever! Izzy~

Thx Chrissy~
I have been meaning to pick your brain about your shoulder too. I have the same things going on, and when I get more time Id like to see what you think about what my situation is. When I read your posts, it seems a lot of the symptoms are parallel. Thank you so much for your post, Chrissy...Have a super weekend~
xoxoxox,
IZZY'SMOM

P.S. Round...I just saw your post. Thank you for sharing and your support. You are always so kind to me. I hate to make this short, but Im trying to help my son get ready for a visit with his dad tomorrow.
I promise to respond to everyone when I can, hopefully on tuesday.

Last edited by IZZY'SMOM; 08-31-2008 at 06:26 PM.

 
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