I am so sorry that your feeling so down and in pain. Believe me when I say I have been there and still go there on an occasion.
Now if I remember correctly, and if i am wrong please let me know, that you and I have another common thread that we share with eachother then just the CP...Friends of Bill W.?? If so I am also willing to speak about that stuff in the other topic area. Just ask me to meet you over there and I will!
Now back to the stuff you posted about. I sturggle with the same thing. And, by the way I love to go fishing and it is extreemly hard to keep me from doing so. Like you the ned result for a tiny bit of something I enjoy is 2 days of elevated excruciating pain. Difficult to handle!
What happens to me then is I am sent into a bit of what I like to call.."situational depression" or "temporary elevation of already existing depression"
What I mean by all of that is when we go out and do a little something such as spend a bit of time with family...we put on the happy face and act "as if!" Only when we get home and into a private zone of our own...we find ourselves very sad, depressed, angry, resentful....etc etc etc. I feel this is part of the deal and sort of a cycle that comes about for people with chronic pain!
I feel all the feelings your having are very natural for you as a chronic pain patient.
I rememer not that long ago, I took a trip down to my parents place. It is a
2 1/2 hour drive for me to get there. I took a big rest afterward and had originally planned to stay home while they went to my sisters place to watch my niece's at their swim meet. The drive to my sisters is 1 hour and 45 min on a very poorly paved bumpy pot-hole filled road. I should have known better but I so wanted to see the kids...I did not want them to wonder why their aunt NEVER comes to see them.
So I went and I telll you I was failry misserable the whole entire time. The drive was terrible and my anxiety from the accident was out the roof.
Allan then end result was that I paid a huge price in pain and kicked and beat myself up over putting myself through all that. But I really tried, with the help of everyone here, to remember that I DID get to see the kids swim, and They were happy to see me. Small pay off but it was a payoff!
SOmetimes....sometimes I feel I have to do some of the things because it does make me happy to see the kids, or do do a little fishing with my Mom even if it makes me have elevated pain.
The deal is for me and it might be different for you, but for me I experience all the same things you do! What really makes the difference is What I Do With The Feelings I Have as a Result of the activities.
That is sooooo the hard part. What really matters for me is how I handle the the feelings of saddness, the feeling of grief and loss of things I once could do but now can not, the feelings of anger and resentment at my situattion as it is right now.
Allan this takes much practice on my part and I am in NO WAY what-so-ever perfect at it. But the good news is that I am learing every day something new about myself and how I can better deal with my situation.
Sweetie I feel your emotional pain and anxiety, I feel the physical pain...it just is not fun and we are out of our comfort zone!
A fewyears back when in PM I owuld go in for the office visits andIwould fill out the paper with the questions ablout what meds your on, what hurts you and what your biggest complaint is, what procedures you have had since the last visit and of course the picture of the body where you mark off what you feel and where. Well there was one question on the questionair that I would always leave blank. It asked, "Do you have any social problems?" I always left it blank or said no. I was intotal denial about that topic and question!
Finally one day I went into see the PM and I said to him ..."you know that question about having socail problems??? Well I have not been honest about my answer to that question. I explained to him that the result of going to a simple social activity such as a 12 step dinner or a meeting, or having coffe with a friend would send me into 3 days of added misery that I actually had NO social life. I explained that i would avoid people and avoid the truth as to why I had no sicial life, and I also told him I was in denial and had great difficulty trying to connect with people in a general way. After coming clean with him I was put on an andti-d med/nerve pain med and shortly there after I started to be able to think clearer and start to comincate with others in a general way..."hi how are you? what is new in you life? And I als learned that I did NOT have to go into great detail about all my medical issues. that was hige for me.
I too am not in a relationship and I sometimes become sad, and feeling down, because I am almost 39 and have never been married! I have tried a few times during all the pain and injuries with the arm from the Work comp injury to date and have a relationship. You know Allan, I decided that I just did not have the energy to give that "other" person the real me! The whole me!
It takes so much work and energy to have a healthy relationship and I just do not have the energy to do it right now. SO your not alone in the way that you feel. I understand! It will happen for us when the time is right.
Remember that you can always come here and tell us anything you want and everything you want...we are here to support you as best aswe can through not just the pain stuff, but all the other little/big aspects that come along with it. We do it together because it is just to much to go it alone.
Allan, I hope that you will have a better day today! I am sending you a big Hug
((((((((((~~~HUG~~~)))))))))) a soft one of course..lol
I think I have rambled on enough here! I share all this stuff with you in hopes that you will see that your not alone! Maybe you will see there is some HOPE out there and you will be able to work through all the things that seem so difficult. Anyway...you hang in there my friend!!