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Old 09-14-2008, 08:32 AM   #1
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My struggle with pain

Hi guys, I know you don't really know me here and I am on the other side of the world to most of you, but I do try to stay up to date on everyone's threads. I do have a struggle staying positive about life and I try to get out some times. The trouble is that whenever I do go out and do some exercise such as taking my nephew fishing, it really knocks me around. I try not to show my upset anyone by saying that it takes 3 to 4 days to get over an outing or I won't be able to have those moments that are so important to me. I have been feeling fairly down now for 2 days after a day out fishing and then a visit to a number of my family who are about an hours drive from here.
Not only that but my mood has been noticeably negative and stressed this passed week. I should be feeling up right now as we are in the process of moving to a lovely new home. The thing is the pressure for me to be apart of the selling this house. My sister and her partner have gone into a cleaning frenzy. I just want to pack up my things and take off somewhere.
I just don't know how to be happy with every thing. On top of this I have been having so many other medical issues and I don't want to drag anyone down to where I feel I am right now.
There it is I have said it. I am not copping with it right now. Even my doctors seem to be interested in anything but my problems. I might have to try and find someone who cares about me.
Sorry about my junk but I needed to tell someone, it makes it even worse that I am not able to look for a female friend either.
Thanks for listening. Allan.
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25-Nov-2010: ALIF fusion L5-S1. 9 years of Chronic lower back pain. Nearly 18 months of pain across my upper pelvis, through my butt and down my left leg into my foot. Sciatica relieved by surgery.

 
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Old 09-14-2008, 09:37 AM   #2
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Re: My struggle with pain

I am sorry Allan that you are feeling so poorly mentally, physically and experiencing lonliness. I

know when I do things even though my meds have been properly adjusted, I still suffer for 3 to 4 days afterwards. It is almost like if I go and have fun I have to pay the price so to speak. I have finally decided it comes with the territory and I am starting to prepare myself mentally for the aftermath of having fun. It is just not fair but hey who said life is fair? I believe CMP goes thru this too.

When you have chronic pain, it is normal to become negative, angry, sad, anxious, and scared. The key is that you need to communicate with your family doctor or pain mgmt team so that they can get you on the proper antidepressents/anxiety meds. If you medical team is not addressing these needs then I would recommend finding someone to help in this area.

Good luck and remember we are here for you.

 
Old 09-14-2008, 11:11 AM   #3
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Re: My struggle with pain

Hi Allen, I have many of the same struggles as you. Yesterday was a lovely day and my wife and I went to the beach. She went off to do her jogging, which we used to do together. I can only walk for a very few minutes now. Blessedly, however, I can swim moderately because the weight is off my spine. The conditions were ideal, glassy, pretty calm, nice water temp. Of course, I overdid it! It was so much fun and I swam for a good hour and a half. So today, I feel like a limp dishrag. I have learned to expect it and am still willing to make the trade-off. I'm so happy that I can still enjoy SOME of the things I used to, even though I know what's coming in return. My disease has forced me to retire, so I can rest up afterwards.
You also have the added stress of moving, which would tax anyone. Please remember that his too will pass and you will soon be comfortable in your new pad. I can imagine a move would be a huge opportunity for overdoing it, so please be careful and let those who have the strength lead the way. Not everything needs to be perfect the first day!

 
Old 09-15-2008, 04:33 AM   #4
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Re: My struggle with pain

Allen, Have you mentioned how you feel to your doctor? I believe you had an appointment, did anything come of that?
When you are in CP you can feel isolated & at times others happiness & activity can just add fuel to the fire. I just mentioned to my bestfiiend that if I dont do abit better with a med change I may seek some help from a pain psychologist, of perhaps join a support group. Maybe you should give some thought to doing the same.
I think its important to be able to talk to someone who understands. Only we have the power to change our lives, the way we think & cope.

I can get resentful of the things I cannot do anymore. I live by a great bike trail & love to bike, but cant do it anymore. Everyone was talking about getting some new bikes & getting out on the trail but I know for now that will not include me. I could do it but would pay later. I felt resentful & abit envious. I think we all feel this but its how we handle it. I am sure there are better ways we just dont know about them. We can get wrapped up in our pain & limits & not be able to think positive.
Please give what I have suggested some thought. Ask yourself this "What have I got to loose?". Because you are in CP does not mean you are not entitled to happiness, you just have to find away around some of those roadblocks that come along with CP. I try hard to think postive, I have to say only through prayer is that possable for me, but that is me.
I truely hope you feel better soon. Take care, Sammy

 
Old 09-15-2008, 08:14 AM   #5
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Re: My struggle with pain

Thanks for the thoughts and suggestions. I have felt lately that my GP has been letting me down some what, so tonight I had worked out that I will see him and let him know how I feel and give him a list of my health problems and if he is caring enough to work with me on sorting some of these things out I will give him another chance. Otherwise I will see if I can find someone more helpful and physically closer for me.
I am somewhat disappointed with my Psychologist also. He seems to be more interested in making appointments for me than actually helping me. I just have to start standing up to them and let them know I am more than just another another $$$.
The one thing I am really happy with is the dentist. I have been on there waiting list for 4-5 years and finally doing a overall job on my teeth, and the dentist I got is the same nationality as me (Australian) and is actually doing a good job. He is only young and in training but has been great. I have been in at least every 3 weeks and looks like he is going to fix all the problems and make some dentures as well. That is one thing to be very pleased about.
Thanks again. Allan
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25-Nov-2010: ALIF fusion L5-S1. 9 years of Chronic lower back pain. Nearly 18 months of pain across my upper pelvis, through my butt and down my left leg into my foot. Sciatica relieved by surgery.

 
Old 09-15-2008, 08:54 AM   #6
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Re: My struggle with pain

Dear Allan,
I agree with everyone here that all the feelings you experiencing are very common in people leaving in CP. Unfortunately.
But I also believe that YOU and only YOU are the one who is responsible to make yourself feeling better. Life is life, sweet heart, people will move, people will clean around us, they will make big noisy parties which we not always can attend - this is not the reason to get upset.
I learned one thing: treating depression is an important step in your healing both mental and physical. I don't know if you just down or you really struggle with depression. IF the answer is yes, please talk to your DR about it. Many people on this board on anti- depressants and it helps them wonderfully.
In the beginning of my ordeal I was very stressed, frastruated, resentful, even non-cooperative: I absolutely did not want to hear that I can't work anymore. It was such painful subject for me even to talk about.
But when I started to learn more about people whose lives changed as well, read about disabled people who used to be big sports people, and what they achieve being crippled - made me think and never ask WHY ME? or POOR ME.
No such thing, it always can be worse.
Try to get yourself meditation tapes, book written by Doctors about how to leave with pain day by day - helps your mind and makes you think.
Trust me, we all get blue days sometimes, but they don't have to be a part of your life too often. You are stronger than that, you love life - so enjoy it, dear heart!

Hugs and blessings!

 
Old 09-15-2008, 09:48 AM   #7
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Re: My struggle with pain

Hey Allan,

I am so sorry that your feeling so down and in pain. Believe me when I say I have been there and still go there on an occasion.

Now if I remember correctly, and if i am wrong please let me know, that you and I have another common thread that we share with eachother then just the CP...Friends of Bill W.?? If so I am also willing to speak about that stuff in the other topic area. Just ask me to meet you over there and I will!

Now back to the stuff you posted about. I sturggle with the same thing. And, by the way I love to go fishing and it is extreemly hard to keep me from doing so. Like you the ned result for a tiny bit of something I enjoy is 2 days of elevated excruciating pain. Difficult to handle!
What happens to me then is I am sent into a bit of what I like to call.."situational depression" or "temporary elevation of already existing depression"
What I mean by all of that is when we go out and do a little something such as spend a bit of time with family...we put on the happy face and act "as if!" Only when we get home and into a private zone of our own...we find ourselves very sad, depressed, angry, resentful....etc etc etc. I feel this is part of the deal and sort of a cycle that comes about for people with chronic pain!
I feel all the feelings your having are very natural for you as a chronic pain patient.
I rememer not that long ago, I took a trip down to my parents place. It is a
2 1/2 hour drive for me to get there. I took a big rest afterward and had originally planned to stay home while they went to my sisters place to watch my niece's at their swim meet. The drive to my sisters is 1 hour and 45 min on a very poorly paved bumpy pot-hole filled road. I should have known better but I so wanted to see the kids...I did not want them to wonder why their aunt NEVER comes to see them.
So I went and I telll you I was failry misserable the whole entire time. The drive was terrible and my anxiety from the accident was out the roof.

Allan then end result was that I paid a huge price in pain and kicked and beat myself up over putting myself through all that. But I really tried, with the help of everyone here, to remember that I DID get to see the kids swim, and They were happy to see me. Small pay off but it was a payoff!
SOmetimes....sometimes I feel I have to do some of the things because it does make me happy to see the kids, or do do a little fishing with my Mom even if it makes me have elevated pain.

The deal is for me and it might be different for you, but for me I experience all the same things you do! What really makes the difference is What I Do With The Feelings I Have as a Result of the activities.
That is sooooo the hard part. What really matters for me is how I handle the the feelings of saddness, the feeling of grief and loss of things I once could do but now can not, the feelings of anger and resentment at my situattion as it is right now.
Allan this takes much practice on my part and I am in NO WAY what-so-ever perfect at it. But the good news is that I am learing every day something new about myself and how I can better deal with my situation.

Sweetie I feel your emotional pain and anxiety, I feel the physical pain...it just is not fun and we are out of our comfort zone!

A fewyears back when in PM I owuld go in for the office visits andIwould fill out the paper with the questions ablout what meds your on, what hurts you and what your biggest complaint is, what procedures you have had since the last visit and of course the picture of the body where you mark off what you feel and where. Well there was one question on the questionair that I would always leave blank. It asked, "Do you have any social problems?" I always left it blank or said no. I was intotal denial about that topic and question!
Finally one day I went into see the PM and I said to him ..."you know that question about having socail problems??? Well I have not been honest about my answer to that question. I explained to him that the result of going to a simple social activity such as a 12 step dinner or a meeting, or having coffe with a friend would send me into 3 days of added misery that I actually had NO social life. I explained that i would avoid people and avoid the truth as to why I had no sicial life, and I also told him I was in denial and had great difficulty trying to connect with people in a general way. After coming clean with him I was put on an andti-d med/nerve pain med and shortly there after I started to be able to think clearer and start to comincate with others in a general way..."hi how are you? what is new in you life? And I als learned that I did NOT have to go into great detail about all my medical issues. that was hige for me.

I too am not in a relationship and I sometimes become sad, and feeling down, because I am almost 39 and have never been married! I have tried a few times during all the pain and injuries with the arm from the Work comp injury to date and have a relationship. You know Allan, I decided that I just did not have the energy to give that "other" person the real me! The whole me!
It takes so much work and energy to have a healthy relationship and I just do not have the energy to do it right now. SO your not alone in the way that you feel. I understand! It will happen for us when the time is right.

Remember that you can always come here and tell us anything you want and everything you want...we are here to support you as best aswe can through not just the pain stuff, but all the other little/big aspects that come along with it. We do it together because it is just to much to go it alone.

Allan, I hope that you will have a better day today! I am sending you a big Hug
((((((((((~~~HUG~~~)))))))))) a soft one of course..lol
I think I have rambled on enough here! I share all this stuff with you in hopes that you will see that your not alone! Maybe you will see there is some HOPE out there and you will be able to work through all the things that seem so difficult. Anyway...you hang in there my friend!!

Chrissy

 
Old 09-16-2008, 03:08 AM   #8
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Re: My struggle with pain

Thanks Chrissy, Moldova and others, Yes I do have that other problem. I suffered for over 25 years. I really appreciate your support and realize that I am still not very able to communicate my emotions and I am having trouble letting my doctor know the things that really eat at me. I did learn a lot at meetings and from a sponsor and the steps. But as you know when you are in pain all that goes out the window. I will continue to come here and I plan to talk to my GP and try to make some sort of plan to deal with all my issues. I am praying and talking with family. Sometimes the things I let out are feelings of the moment but true feelings and I do need your support. I hope that in time I can be of help to you and others here. Just at present I need some the support.
Thanks. Allan
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25-Nov-2010: ALIF fusion L5-S1. 9 years of Chronic lower back pain. Nearly 18 months of pain across my upper pelvis, through my butt and down my left leg into my foot. Sciatica relieved by surgery.

 
Old 09-16-2008, 08:10 AM   #9
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Re: My struggle with pain

Allan,
You probably may not understand this at the present, but just by coming on the forum and being honest with all of us about where you are right now, shows great courage and strength! To someone who is lurking or feelig the same as you...well your an example of of someone who is taking some action and seeking support.
Good for you!!
I totally get what you said when you stated that all the other stuff goes out the window when your in pain. Believe me...when my pain is bad enough the last darn thing on my mind is spitituality..lol
It is a process and we all get to do the CP thing together.

Thanks again for such honesty and courage!

Chrissy

 
Old 09-16-2008, 10:06 PM   #10
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Re: My struggle with pain

So sorry to hear of your struggle. I too struggle too. I have a hard time adjusting and hide and isolate when Im in pain. I can act ok on the phone with people that I have to. I avoid family activities and feel bad for it. I could do more but now that I havent been around for a while, I dont know if i could handle the physical and mental stress of it. Know Ill get the 3rd degree for not being around and maybe even for being on meds. That seems to be a good topic for people to talk about, despite how it hurts me. I pray your drs will help you help yourself. I see a therapist, not as often as I would like due to finances, but I do go when I can.
Blessings and prayers that we can learn to deal with this and live life more abundantly, as we deserve!
Shannon

 
Old 09-17-2008, 06:39 AM   #11
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Re: My struggle with pain

Yes it is hard to be social when you know that you could be in a lot of pain at any time and having spasms that can also be unpredictable and all you want to do is lay down. I have had to lay on the ground at the emergency because they didn't have any appropriate seating. And when all you want is to find some friendship or love but you just don't have any confidence in your self. Some times I wonder what I have to give in a relationship.
I am so very lucky I have loving family who enjoy my company. I do go out of my way to give what I can and join in as much as possible. But I know that until I can find love of my own I will always feel alone. Sometimes I miss my wife or even a past lover and wonder if it will happen again. But on the other hand I know that when I am ready, god will put that person in my path.
I can be so happy some times to have what I do. There are so many others in worse position. I have been blessed and I am here for a reason, as I have had so many close calls and lost so many friends, that I am very privileged to have my life.
Thank you all for reminding me of that. I wish all of my CP'er friends lots of love and pray that you may be as blessed as I have been.
Allan
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25-Nov-2010: ALIF fusion L5-S1. 9 years of Chronic lower back pain. Nearly 18 months of pain across my upper pelvis, through my butt and down my left leg into my foot. Sciatica relieved by surgery.

 
Old 09-17-2008, 08:03 AM   #12
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Re: My struggle with pain

Hey Allan,

I totally feel the same way! I have had past loves of my life and miss what benefits come from that kind of a relationship. One relationship that I was in was for 7-8 years we lived together not sober 1/2 the time and the other 1/2 sober.

Since I have been a chronic pain person I really miss having that someone special to lean on when I am not feeling well. SOmeone to take up the slack for me when I am unable to do so. Someone to just hold me and let me know that my pain flare will pass and that they are their for me.

I think as a chronic pain patient beiing alone and having no hubby, wife, bf, gf, no children etc can be doubly har to cope with stuf. At least it is an has been very difficult sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder if it will happen again for me too. We are normal to feel the way we do Allan.

So what is the lates Doctors plan for your problems?? Can you refresh my mind a bit?? If you would prefer not to go there right now I totally indersand and respect that!
We are here to support you in whatever way you need for us to do so.
I like you have a good famliy support going for my self and thank GOD we have that.
Pain changes who we are in some aspects. Or at least for me it is as if certain parts of myself are unable to "be" at this time of my life and wondering about when or if those parts of me will come into the present is tough. It takes much work to learn and practice being here where we are today and to have acceptance of things as they are at the moment. Don't know if this is how you feel. I am only sharing from my heart the things that I personally struggle with or think about in hopes that you may not feel so alone!
If I could snap my little fingers and pop on over to Qeensland and give you a hug and a shoulder to lean on I surely would...I think if we all could "orb" ouselves there we would...lol
I hope you have a better day today Allan.

Oh....what kinds of fish to you go fishing for in Queeensland? Just curious?

 
Old 09-17-2008, 05:49 PM   #13
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Re: My struggle with pain

I do relate to all you have shared. I am afraid that the fishing is not as good as it used to be. There are so many people that have heard about our climate and have moved here and brought there fishing rod. So at best I am happy to bring home one meal, though if we don't then it spares me the cleaning and filleting. If we do catch some thing it would be a Bream or a Flathead and if really lucky a Jew fish.
I grew up on the river and really miss those times. I am just not able to go outside (ocean fishing). I love camping and still go with Mum and Dad once every 6 months or so. All us pensioners together. But we manage to get our tent's up somehow. And then rest up a day or so. Dad is 75 now but hasn't given up yet.
It makes it a little easier when we stick together. but I need some ear muffs from Dad's talking sometimes. It is all about him.
Getting off track there. I do need their support though. I am so glad to have someone else to chat with. It can be so lonely.
Thanks. Allan
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25-Nov-2010: ALIF fusion L5-S1. 9 years of Chronic lower back pain. Nearly 18 months of pain across my upper pelvis, through my butt and down my left leg into my foot. Sciatica relieved by surgery.

 
Old 09-18-2008, 04:51 AM   #14
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Re: My struggle with pain

Allen I just want to let you know I am thinking about you. Please try to get through to your Doctor when explaining to him. Let him know this is your life & you want some quality in it. You may indeed have to be abit more demanding.
I dont know but maybe taking a few short notes on how your feeling & ask him to read over them. Tell him you feel your not getting through when you are there for the actual appointment. Just a suggestion.
If need be change doctors, like you mentioned. Life is to precious & you deserve to more enjoyment & happiness out of it. Please take care & let us know how you are doing. Sammy

 
Old 09-18-2008, 06:50 AM   #15
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Re: My struggle with pain

Hey Allan,

Just checking in on you and wanted to see how your doing today.

The fishing sounds fun.
When I had my arm injury I would still be able to go out on my friends Boat on Lake Tohoe...a beautiful place. But when I traded the arm injury for the neck injury there is just no way that I could confortably ride in a boat on waves and/or wake even the little bumps are to much.

A huge bummer for me because I love to go out boating and jet skiiing with my friend.

I still do the fishin thin even though it cause me to be down for a day or so. I have never heard of any of those fish! I will have to look them up! I like to catch...Lake trout, and various types of small trout, Steelhead or Salmon. MMM MMMM Good!

Hope your feeling better today!!
Chrissy

 
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