LayedBack

I'm having problems.... honestly I'm severely depressed and having trouble seeing why I should even continue living at all. 21 years old, have had wide spread chronic nerve pain for 2 years and I'm already mentally and physically exhausted beyond my limits.

The worst of my chronic pain is in my hands, arms, and neck - but the past 4-5 months I've now been getting very severe migraines and constant pressure in my head. Also have had problems with swollen lymph nodes, chest pain, bad knees, and depression.

I'm undiagnosed despite going through 5 doctors, MRIs, CAT-Scan, Muscle and nerve tests, and 14 different medications in which the only thing that has helped is opiates.

I'm so depressed and in pain that I feel like I can't work a job any more, and have been unemployed for nearly a year now. The problem is I'm 21 years old, undiagnosed, have NO money for tests (frankly I've no motivation any more for them either my pain is only going to get worst from here on), NOBODY who can understand what CP feels like, and if I apply for SSDI I'll just be denied over and over again.

Truthfully if I wasn't under-medicated and so depressed I MIGHT be able to work part time, but I keep thinking WHY SHOULD I? Why the hell should I go and work for 8 dollars an hour only to increase my levels of pain, when I can't even do ANYTHING I loved to do any more? My reasons for living have withered away in just 2 years. And I doubt I would last long working a job anyways because no employer is going to put up with me when I can't work 5 random days out of the week.

I can't exercise, lift weights, play sports.... I can't play video games due to nerve pain from repetitive motion which was basically my life before CP. I can't read more than 20-30 minutes at most without getting a migraine so bad I want to die to stop the pain. I can't hold a relationship because no one would want someone so broken and who can blame them.

And worst of all I get to have my entire life regulated by the DEA and doctors who always 'Know what's best for me' or just don't give a flying f***. If I want to take an opioid pill to regain some quality of life what is so wrong about that?

Do we all have to act like naive patients always afraid of getting our medication cut, being dropped and forgotten. Is this really a just world when sick people are treated this way?

Not to mention the best medication out there (cannabis) for my severe migraines and depression is illegal. So basically my life is made worst by people who don't even care or have a clue about what they're talking about in the first place.

Is this country at war with sick people?

Sorry for the rant, but I feel downright broken... I'm not sure there's much else I can do besides self medicate or kill myself. But why should I even try any more if my future consists of taking opioids and rotting in front of a television completely miserable and alone and unable to do the things I enjoy?