Hi, I was wondering how many people suffering from chronic pain have problems with relationships. I understand that pain negatively impacts all aspects of living, but I want to know if others here have found that their pain has become a wedge between them and their partners.
About a year ago my pain (from Cerebral Palsy) became worse. When it became obvious that the change was not just temporary, my wife became very angry and cold towards me. I was hurt by her reaction, but I could see that she was struggling with frustration and disappointment so I gave her some space to deal with her emotions.
A month ago (two weeks before our 10th anniversary) she told me that she needed a divorce so that she could move on with her life.
I don't want to talk about how I am feeling right now, but I wanted to know if this is a common situation with chronic pain sufferers?
Maybe we need to have more support organizations in place for our partners.
Does anyone else have any input about this problem?
The following 4 users give hugs of support to: Lancelot1066 ABQpam (06-08-2012), Fiona_Jo_324 (06-09-2012), Phoenix (06-12-2012), Rita27 (07-07-2012)
Generally I think that married folks who are in long term chronic pain situations either go one of 2 ways, they pull tighter together as the pain gets worse or they fall apart. My ex and I lasted for 24 years married. But when you have constant medical conditions and pain situations, all of the Dr.'s appointments, pharmacy runs, medication adjustments, hospitilizations, and just bad days can be a lot to deal with and not everybody makes it. If you have kids, the shift in responsibilities can add to the pressure...
There are some support systems available for Chronic Pain patients, Psychologists who specialize in Chronic Pain, different groups available for different diseases and disorders, but there should probably be many more. A general Psychologist or Psychiatrist is always helpful and able for any condition related depression, stress or anxiety.
Nowadays marriages just don't seem to be designed to make it through the hard times like they used to be....life doesn't come with a guarantee, and the "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health" means exactly what it says. I often wonder why they even say that in wedding vows anymore.....
I seem to agree with Kat. Although I think my marriage hasn't really gone either way with it. My now husband knew me a pretty short time before the pain started, just over a year. We've now been together for 7 years. Some spouses just don't want to work through the challenges that come with chronic pain. I think this is a sign that whatever other challenges life through at you would have also been a struggle with the marriage.
I am very lucky that my hubby took the in sickness and in health vow very seriously. I believe he means it when he says he'll stick through anything with me, such as if I needed to quit working due to my health. That said, nothing is ever perfect. He gets annoyed with my coming home late several days a week due to doctor appointments.
It is quite common to have trouble with relationships when one partner has chronic illness, pain, etc. Counseling can help, but both partners have to be willing. I hope you can find someone with qualities which are a better fit with your challenges, such as compassion, acceptance, cooperation, etc. If someone holds something against you which is something you have no choice in, they aren't the person you would want to be with anyways. Best wishes.
__________________
Kate
constant head pain, fibro, and other fun!
chronic pain established in 2006
I am so sorry for what you are going through because I know what you are talking about. Its normal for a relationship to become affected when you are in chronic pain all the time. Everything changes....your sex life, daily activities, and even mentally your spirit changes. I have had to break of a relationship because I felt as if it wasn't fair to him that I was always in the hospital and I was always sick. He was in the prime of his life-late 20s and I didn't want him to start to resent me. Even though he didn't want to I knew it was best. In a situation as yours is-married. I believe the term "sickness" is taking too lightly when it comes to marriage vows. People should understand that anything can happen and good health isn't promised to anyone. I just believe that If your spouse loves you she will come around. Give her time. If she does go through with the divorce then maybe she was not the one for you. Trust me true love will not walk away because you are in pain. I know from experience. I know what you are going through and I am here to tell you, you will not be alone for the rest of your life because you are sick. You just need to find that person that will help you and understand you. They are out there!!!!
The following user gives a hug of support to luvinmusiq: Phoenix (06-12-2012)
I am so sorry for what you are going through because I know what you are talking about. Its normal for a relationship to become affected when you are in chronic pain all the time. Everything changes....your sex life, daily activities, and even mentally your spirit changes. I have had to break of a relationship because I felt as if it wasn't fair to him that I was always in the hospital and I was always sick. He was in the prime of his life-late 20s and I didn't want him to start to resent me. Even though he didn't want to I knew it was best. In a situation as yours is-married. I believe the term "sickness" is taking too lightly when it comes to marriage vows. People should understand that anything can happen and good health isn't promised to anyone. I just believe that If your spouse loves you she will come around. Give her time. If she does go through with the divorce then maybe she was not the one for you. Trust me true love will not walk away because you are in pain. I know from experience. I know what you are going through and I am here to tell you, you will not be alone for the rest of your life because you are sick. You just need to find that person that will help you and understand you. They are out there!!!!
Yours wasn't anything like the same though, you made the decision for someone else, even though it sounds like he didn't want that decision made for him...you made him leave, because you assumed his life wouldn't be okay with a sick person. You "think" you knew what was best for your ex-boyfriend...and in the same breath you say, "People should understand that anything can happen and good health isn't promised to anyone. I just believe that If your spouse loves you she will come around. Give her time." How can you say that, when you took that decision out of your boyfriends hands and made him leave? That's not the same as what we've been through losing a spouse who decided it just wasn't worth it having to deal with living with a sick person 24/7. You might have chased off the love of your life....how do you know?
Last edited by katlin09; 06-11-2012 at 10:44 PM.
Reason: spelling
IMO that is the most selfish thing a person can do. But, i feel its better to get out of the relationship earlier than later before more and more resentment and chaos builds up. I wish you the best of luck, and i hope this was a blessing is disguise. I hope you find someone that takes you for who you are.
Yours wasn't anything like the same though, you made the decision for someone else, even though it sounds like he didn't want that decision made for him...you made him leave, because you assumed his life wouldn't be okay with a sick person. You "think" you knew what was best for your ex-boyfriend...and in the same breath you say, "People should understand that anything can happen and good health isn't promised to anyone. I just believe that If your spouse loves you she will come around. Give her time." How can you say that, when you took that decision out of your boyfriends hands and made him leave? That's not the same as what we've been through losing a spouse who decided it just wasn't worth it having to deal with living with a sick person 24/7. You might have chased off the love of your life....how do you know?
Katlin09 DO NOT MAKE ME RETHINK MY DECISION!!!! lol, No but seriously I do understand what you are saying, that is why I said what I said in my message. It is different for him because he IS MARRIED. They took vows for sickness and in health. Totally different for someone who is not married. I know he wasn't trying to leave but it was becoming a problem. He wanted to always do things, go to parties, go out to dinner. I couldn't always go. He would get mad that If one day I didn't cook dinner. He was the kind of guy that was use to females waiting on him hand and foot. One day my mom was over preparing dinner for me because I had just got out the hospital and my boyfriend had the nerve to say that he didn't want my mother's food he would rather me go in the kitchen and cook him a meal. He just wanted me to do it. IS YOU CRAZY!!! But thats the kind of things he would do. So please explain to me why I would try to keep that going??? Like I said before I know that if you really love someone you will be there no matter what but in my case he was a "ladies man" who thought the world revolved around him. and all the ladies love him. Well Im a realist and I knew that he was not ready to "settle down". So I do know that in my situation I did what was best for me and him. I couldn't keep fighting with him because he wanted a woman who will wait on him hand and foot. And I know he wasn't ready to slow down the partying and things to stay at home when Im sick or in the hospital. One time I had to get my father to take me to an important appointment because he was partying the night before and wouldn't wake up. Now tell me.....Did I let my soulmate go???
Katlin09 DO NOT MAKE ME RETHINK MY DECISION!!!! lol, Now tell me.....Did I let my soulmate go???
Mea Culpa....but, you did kinda make it sound like the whole "rom-com" love of the century thing in the first post.
Yes, it definitely sounds like you did the right thing....even if you had been healthy, ummm...why were you with that guy?
I was with my ex from the time we were 16 and we were married for 24 years, so a grand total of 26 years. Alot of time and energy invested in that boy...and I mean "boy"!
My last abdominal surgery, I think it was a kidney thing, he claimed he couldn't be there or take me or visit me because of work and taking care of the boys, yada, yada, yada... thank God for wonderful mother in laws....LOL...my then 10 yr old let it slip about how much fun they had fishing with daddy's girlfriend. He was a gem!
Wierdly enough....didn't really miss him too much when I moved out.....
Katlin09....My stomach was turning as I read your post. I am happy that you got rid of that BOY!!! Perfect name for a husband like that. And to have her around the children while you are in the hospital needing his support is really what ticks me off. But to answer the question of why I stayed with him. Well you know how it goes.....the beginning he was a "smooth operator". Oh the things he would say and the things he would do. He made me feel like a princess. I feel for it like a dummy. After I finally got comfortable enough for him to meet my daughters, he started coming over more and more. Then One day he just never went home. (he never asked to move in and I never asked him to go home). Well I would say after a few months of us staying together I started noticing his attitude changed, and boy did it change.
You are very easy to talk to. And we have a lot in common. I would love to keep in touch with you. I think we can help each other with what we are going through. Hope to hear from you soon. You are now added to my prayer list
Don't ya just love it when they just kinda move in like a stray dog??? LOL
I'm always around, off and on all day, pretty much everyday. This is my home away from home. I've been a member here for alot of years...it's a really good place.
Hi, I was wondering how many people suffering from chronic pain have problems with relationships. I understand that pain negatively impacts all aspects of living, but I want to know if others here have found that their pain has become a wedge between them and their partners.
About a year ago my pain (from Cerebral Palsy) became worse. When it became obvious that the change was not just temporary, my wife became very angry and cold towards me. I was hurt by her reaction, but I could see that she was struggling with frustration and disappointment so I gave her some space to deal with her emotions.
A month ago (two weeks before our 10th anniversary) she told me that she needed a divorce so that she could move on with her life.
I don't want to talk about how I am feeling right now, but I wanted to know if this is a common situation with chronic pain sufferers?
Maybe we need to have more support organizations in place for our partners.
Does anyone else have any input about this problem?
I read your post and my heart really goes out to you! I worry every day that today is guna be the day that my husband tells me that he cant take it anymore!! Because of my pain issues a lot of the responsibilities are put onto him. I don't always feel well enough to clean, cook, do laundry or even get out of bed or off the couch some days. I have asked him many times if he regrets getting married to me as he knew about my chronic pain before we said "I Do". S far he has been supportive but I feel like I am a burden. I am so sorry that your marriage has taken this turn. I am sure all of us that are on the pain end of these relationships feel insecure and it would really be great if there were more resources for our families so they could understand how to cope.
The following user gives a hug of support to bellaboo12: luvinmusiq (07-15-2012)
I read your post and my heart really goes out to you! I worry every day that today is guna be the day that my husband tells me that he cant take it anymore!! Because of my pain issues a lot of the responsibilities are put onto him. I don't always feel well enough to clean, cook, do laundry or even get out of bed or off the couch some days. I have asked him many times if he regrets getting married to me as he knew about my chronic pain before we said "I Do". S far he has been supportive but I feel like I am a burden. I am so sorry that your marriage has taken this turn. I am sure all of us that are on the pain end of these relationships feel insecure and it would really be great if there were more resources for our families so they could understand how to cope.
My heart goes out to you. I am a 30 year old single mother that needs pain management from an auto-immune disease that I was diagnosed with 15 years ago. I love the fact that I am single just because of all my health problems. I have not wanted to be in a relationship because the last one was so bad for me that it just made me not want to try and date right now.I have told myself that I am going to wait for god to send me my prince and when he do, I'll know it. You are married...totally different. Your husband loves you and I know how it feels to feel like a burden or a pain in the rear to your spouse but I really believe that if your spouse couldn't handle it he would tell you. Do you talk to him and tell him how you feel. Your vows said in sickness and in health. I still believe that there are some people out here that still honor those words. I just wanted you to know that I am here as a friend if you want to ever talk. The only thing I would suggest is that maybe you can talk to your spouse and see how he feels too. Maybe he can have a guys night out. Maybe you guys can do something romantic like a picnic dinner in bed. I know I spend a lot of my time in bed. I am not sure if that helps. I hope you are feeling better. But I don't want you to think just because you are sick that you are not worthy of love because WE DO!! We deserve nothing but the best. You just keep telling yourself that. I will keep telling you if you need reminding.
I am a woman, you are a man - but still try to understand where I am coming from.
I dont think pain can bring a wedge in between partners, friends, etc. All depends on us, CP and on them. I will explain it why.
I am married for 35 years (got married at 20), we have 2 adult children and even 2 grandchildren. Not only that I am disabled for the last 6 years, I had 12 serious surgeries during my married life. I dont know anyone in my group of friends and relatives who would spend so much time at the Hospitals as I did since very young at our marriage. Never during this 35 years I heard from my dear husband about devorce or that he has a hard time with my issues. Very rare I cry about myself though. If I need to cry, I do that when he is not around and if he sees my eyes red, he gets very worried why am I sad...
I remember one time when I was told about another spinal surgery. He still remembered terrible times of my recovery from the first time and yet, when i said I may not go and just live like this not to put him again in this bad spot, he was so upset with me. Why I am thinking of him when I need help? Why I even think not to go for surgery if they say it may help my pain? This selfless person never even thought of himself!!! He still works, he owns a business and has very demanding job 24/7. And yet, when they brought me home after being in the hospital for 3 weeks due to heart failier and pneumonia 30 min after surgery, sick as a dog, I was not allowed to use steps for a month so my hospital bed was in the middle of the living room, visiting nurses every day, PT guy every day, visitors every day... and the worse, sleeping on the couch near my bed just b/c he didn't want to leave me alone in case i need anything...
I would do same thing to him without any hesitation and for as long as needed. On top of everything, my husband is diabetic who needs a rest sometimes too, but he would never rest until he makes sure I am OK and taken care of.
This is about HIM.
Now about Me, i promised you to tell why I think it about both people.
I never complain; even on days when i cant get up, I try to just tell him I simply got a bad day. I dont get hysterical, I dont complain to him at all, knowing how my pain hurts him, why give him more worries? I get up every day trying to take good care of myself not looking for excuses that I am in pain; Only on a very bad days I don't make food for him, I try to pay him back by cooking something he loves, I iron his clothes when I can and do the laundry. Every night when I am able to , we go for a short slow walk around the house and I wouldn't complain or talk about my problems or what my Dr said. I tell him what I read (I am a big reader and he loves to hear stories i tell him) or what I wrote (I also write a book for my children and grandchildren,but since my hands not always work, I do it very slowly, hope will be here to finish it. lol) or some other fun things. Everyone deserves to have a brake! I insist sometimes that he goes for a beer and a sports TV game to our friend's house, or to a movie with our son or granddaughter... Doesn't' happen often, he has no time and doesn't like to leave me alone here although I don't mind at all, but I feel its important.
On the other hand...
When my father in law got ill, who never been ill in his life, he started to complain about little sniff, about little pain. Not once, not twice, but all day his poor wife had to take care of him plus listen to him describing his health issues. Day after day...
One time she called us asking if we can take her to be with us for couple of days, otherwise she will go crazy. She was shaking and crying all day, instead of resting, just b/c she didn't want to go back home to listen his complaining all day long. And this couple been together for 58 years!!! I never heard her complaining about him, but that day she said to us suddenly: I am afraid I start to hate him. We were shocked, but how much one can take?
He was a very good man, I loved him like my own dad, but I would go crazy listening to him too. I, who just hardly survived my spinal surgery and complications, had to listen to his problem on a phone at least 3 times a day. I understand, he is a man, plus he is scared I guess since he never been sick, but when enough is enough? Why are you so selfish? Don't you think about your older wife who asks you to stop?
Well, here you got it, right? I am not saying you do same thing, I don't know you and your situation. But I play different situations which happen in my own life.
Don't we all know about cold hearted and selfish husbands and wives? Plenty! How many parents leave their own kids when they need them the most? This is not a secret that so many people are too selfish out there. Who knows, maybe your wife doesn't have enough love for you? Or maybe she is too spoiled or selfish (sorry, just a thought) to be able to go on with her life knowing that she leaved behind a sick man who was her husband for 10 years? See, we all different. Some people sleep well at night not thinking no matter what happened and some people would die before they do something like this.
So I don't think it's pain which brakes relationships; I think that maybe relationships weren't strong enough to begin with? My heart goes out to you without a doubt whatever your case is. I would pick up a cat in pain from the street, not to mention leave my hubby or friend in pain. But people are so different and not everybody lucky to have a big loving heart.
I am a woman, you are a man - but still try to understand where I am coming from.
I dont think pain can bring a wedge in between partners, friends, etc. All depends on us, CP and on them. I will explain it why.
I am married for 35 years (got married at 20), we have 2 adult children and even 2 grandchildren. Not only that I am disabled for the last 6 years, I had 12 serious surgeries during my married life. I dont know anyone in my group of friends and relatives who would spend so much time at the Hospitals as I did since very young at our marriage. Never during this 35 years I heard from my dear husband about devorce or that he has a hard time with my issues. Very rare I cry about myself though. If I need to cry, I do that when he is not around and if he sees my eyes red, he gets very worried why am I sad...
I remember one time when I was told about another spinal surgery. He still remembered terrible times of my recovery from the first time and yet, when i said I may not go and just live like this not to put him again in this bad spot, he was so upset with me. Why I am thinking of him when I need help? Why I even think not to go for surgery if they say it may help my pain? This selfless person never even thought of himself!!! He still works, he owns a business and has very demanding job 24/7. And yet, when they brought me home after being in the hospital for 3 weeks due to heart failier and pneumonia 30 min after surgery, sick as a dog, I was not allowed to use steps for a month so my hospital bed was in the middle of the living room, visiting nurses every day, PT guy every day, visitors every day... and the worse, sleeping on the couch near my bed just b/c he didn't want to leave me alone in case i need anything...
I would do same thing to him without any hesitation and for as long as needed. On top of everything, my husband is diabetic who needs a rest sometimes too, but he would never rest until he makes sure I am OK and taken care of.
This is about HIM.
Now about Me, i promised you to tell why I think it about both people.
I never complain; even on days when i cant get up, I try to just tell him I simply got a bad day. I dont get hysterical, I dont complain to him at all, knowing how my pain hurts him, why give him more worries? I get up every day trying to take good care of myself not looking for excuses that I am in pain; Only on a very bad days I don't make food for him, I try to pay him back by cooking something he loves, I iron his clothes when I can and do the laundry. Every night when I am able to , we go for a short slow walk around the house and I wouldn't complain or talk about my problems or what my Dr said. I tell him what I read (I am a big reader and he loves to hear stories i tell him) or what I wrote (I also write a book for my children and grandchildren,but since my hands not always work, I do it very slowly, hope will be here to finish it. lol) or some other fun things. Everyone deserves to have a brake! I insist sometimes that he goes for a beer and a sports TV game to our friend's house, or to a movie with our son or granddaughter... Doesn't' happen often, he has no time and doesn't like to leave me alone here although I don't mind at all, but I feel its important.
On the other hand...
When my father in law got ill, who never been ill in his life, he started to complain about little sniff, about little pain. Not once, not twice, but all day his poor wife had to take care of him plus listen to him describing his health issues. Day after day...
One time she called us asking if we can take her to be with us for couple of days, otherwise she will go crazy. She was shaking and crying all day, instead of resting, just b/c she didn't want to go back home to listen his complaining all day long. And this couple been together for 58 years!!! I never heard her complaining about him, but that day she said to us suddenly: I am afraid I start to hate him. We were shocked, but how much one can take?
He was a very good man, I loved him like my own dad, but I would go crazy listening to him too. I, who just hardly survived my spinal surgery and complications, had to listen to his problem on a phone at least 3 times a day. I understand, he is a man, plus he is scared I guess since he never been sick, but when enough is enough? Why are you so selfish? Don't you think about your older wife who asks you to stop?
Well, here you got it, right? I am not saying you do same thing, I don't know you and your situation. But I play different situations which happen in my own life.
Don't we all know about cold hearted and selfish husbands and wives? Plenty! How many parents leave their own kids when they need them the most? This is not a secret that so many people are too selfish out there. Who knows, maybe your wife doesn't have enough love for you? Or maybe she is too spoiled or selfish (sorry, just a thought) to be able to go on with her life knowing that she leaved behind a sick man who was her husband for 10 years? See, we all different. Some people sleep well at night not thinking no matter what happened and some people would die before they do something like this.
So I don't think it's pain which brakes relationships; I think that maybe relationships weren't strong enough to begin with? My heart goes out to you without a doubt whatever your case is. I would pick up a cat in pain from the street, not to mention leave my hubby or friend in pain. But people are so different and not everybody lucky to have a big loving heart.
Hugs and best wishes
Moldova
Well put Moldova!!! You hit it dead on the nail! Muah!
I loved reading your post, Muldova (did I spell that right?)
I am a 46 year old divorced woman and was really having just about the greatest time of my life. I had recently lost about 40 pounds and although I've had fibromyalgia for a long, long time, since the weight loss I've been feeling pretty good (not perfect, but pretty good). For once in my life I was feeling good about myself and about how my life was going. I really felt like I could date and find a good man to spend the rest of my life with.
Well, I slipped on ice in February, landed on my knee, and my life has never been the same since. Every doctor says RSD. I am in severe, intense pain. I have met a great man who has custody of his 2 young daughters who I immediately fell in love with. Anyway, regardless whether he is the one or not, I feel like I have to pull away and not even try to date now. He knows my problem and has not pulled away. But we do not have a romantic relationship.
What do you say to a prospective romantic interest and when do you bring it up? It's hard to say, "Oh by the way, I spend alot of days in bed on pain meds because I'm in intense pain and I can't work right now because blah blah blah blah blah........."???????
If you suffer from chronic pain...then it's better to find someone who also suffers from chronic pain. It is impossible to explain to anyone what it means to suffer from pain 24 -hours a day.
Chronic pain can happen to anyone. I even warned my doctor. I told him, it can happen -to you too.
It is a bad luck chronic pain yes and also destroys your life not only relationship.
I hear your pain girl! I know how pain changes your life too! But this is not the end of the world, you still can be happy. In my opinion, if the man didn't back up from you, it means he likes you. The fact you didn't have romantic relationships yet, I can feel between sentences that you are the one who doesn't let this happen; am I right? ;-)
Listen honey, I am a strong believer that at any stage of our lives, we can be happy, we can be loved and taken care of if we need.
So many husbands/wives of 20 and more years of marriage leave each other b/c of illnesses, stress of taking care of disabled child and so on. But so many boy friends/girl friends stay to the end with their loved ones.
I worked with a woman who lived with her b/f for 11 years. For some reason they never married; he was 8 years younger than her and just didn't happen. They were always together and often people wondered what this good looking young man does with this older woman, very overweight and not that pretty. Don't take me wrong, she had so much to be loved for, great personality, kind and loving.
One day she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She told him that day that he is free to leave. Instead, he comes to her work place with flowers and a ring... He wanted to marry her before she starts her treatments! We cried all day, this is not a movie, this is a real life.
You can't give up on your love life, pain cant identify who you are and how you want to live your life.
I also had great job; have my MBA, worked so hard to pass Series 7, 2 kids, loving hubby for 34 years. I achieved everything I wanted and thought life is good and will always be this way. One day car accident changed my life, but I never gave up on being happy.
I also live life on opiates 24/7, surgeries, treatments, app - you name it. Sometimes I wonder how long my husband can take all this, not only my life changed, his did as well. He didn't sign in for taking care of me for the rest of my life. But when you talk to him, he looks at me like I am crazy. He feels this is perfectly fine of him, this is what love is about. Really for good and for worst, you know?
If this man likes you, dont push him away. He has 2 girls, he needs "woman's touch" in his life. Give him that. And it for him to decide if your pain bothers him or he decides to stay with you. Please, don't think everyone is scared of not well people. Maybe some 24 years old dude may think why do I need this in my life. But a man who knows life already may think totally different.
You take a day at the time, have a good time when you can and don't try to figure out what tomorrow brings - live today!!!
PS; what are they doing for you? Did you go for second opinion? Are you having surgery? What test results show you have RSD? I have mine after spinal surgeries; my friend has one after her spinal surgeries. How was yours diagnosed? Don't you want to see more opinions and more testing to be done? Just my 2 cents
