Co-dependency and Addiction - Codependency Message Board

GinaLee · 03-08-2003, 12:25 PM

In answer to #1Texan’s question:

“When did you discover you were Co-Dependant? I had never heard of it until about 6 years ago. Have you read Co-Dependant No more?

Texan:
I found out about co-dependency in May 2001 and it was indeed a huge eye-opener for me. I did read 'Co-Dependent No More' and even bought several copies for the friends of mine that I recognized as such within the pages of the book. My friends were really happy that I gave it to them and they too were enlightened about themselves.

I would recommend anyone who feels as if they must save the world or the people in their inner circle to read that book. Being co-dependent can be self-destructive and misguided…

Since reading 'CD No More', I have done my best to not fall into the trappings of my inner-core...the part of me that allows people to take advantage of me and the part of me that feels compelled to solve the problems of others…especially when not invited to do so.

My Opinion: I think a lot of us are here on these boards not only to seek opinions and advice of others but to also feed our own need to “help” those in crisis/need.
Co-dependency runs deep...but I don’t think it’s necessarily always a bad thing.

The trick is to do what you feel you want to for others but expect nothing in return... don’t count on undying gratitude for your good deeds/advice.

I also think OpenSeason is a prime “on-line” example of this kind of giving person. Don’t know if he is co-dependent but I do know that he pops into the different message boards on this site and offers his two-cents worth and goes on to the next subject. I don’t think he’s ever asked for advice...he just offers/gives it, or at the least “food for thought”.

Mind you, I feel his advice and comments are sound and sincere. So, Mr. OpenSeason… press on; I have appreciated your thoughts and views.

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Gina

#1Texan · 03-08-2003, 02:47 PM

Gina
You are so right about us being self-destructive and misguided.

I have given my copy out to 2 women friends of mine and one was as stunned as I was when she read it, she was grateful and went and bought her own copy.

Another friend blew it off, she recognized some of her behaviour, but made no effort to stop it.

So one friend is a happier person and the other is still trying to "fix" everybody.

When I was married to the A I always, always tried to make it right, it was exhausting, 18 years worth. Once we divorced I met a man who was a recovering A, and he pointed out to me he thought I was CD, so I bought the book and it was a compelling read. The longer I was with this guy the more I recognized this fault in me and guess what he took full advantage of it. He used me for sex, baby sitting, housekeeping, etc.

Once I was over him I set some boundries for myself and they work.

I have always been outspoken and when I was married to the A I quit, I got tired of the arguing and bickering.

I am happy to say I am closer to the old me now. I say what I feel, when I feel it. I feel so much better.

I agree that it isn't always a bad thing, I have learned with my friends, to help if I really see them in pain over something, and I always tell them "This is just my opinion, it doesn't really mean s--t"

I hope you have had a good day today.

Take Care

#1 T

Citykittie · 03-10-2003, 10:44 PM

I know this isn't exactlly what you ment by this post, but I wonder if this book will help me.

This weekend I was soooooo depressed because my bestfriend will still not divorce her abusive husband even when I paid her lawyers retainer (without her asking) - and no matter how much stuff (toys) I keep buying my boyfriend he is never happy or satisfied. His happiness is so based on material stuff and I get upset I can't get him to see the light.

[This message has been edited by Citykittie (edited 03-11-2003).]

GinaLee · 03-11-2003, 05:13 AM

Co-Dependency comes in all kinds of interesting behaviour. It's a need to control others actions and can cause much distress if the object of your good will doesn't seem to want to go along with the plan...your plan. Go to your local library and look for:

"Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself", by Melody Beattie

The first chapter or thereabouts has several short stories of individuals depicting the different forms of codependency. The next chapter is a checklist of sorts to help you identify the many characteristics of codependency within yourself.

I think just about everyone has "symptoms" of codependency in varying forms; so just because you can say "yes" to a few of the questions doesn't necessarily qualify you.

Answers are "often, sometimes, or never"...(I think?) be completely honest with yourself as you go thru each question. You'll quickly recognize yourself as CD as you read the first few stories and you'll get a better understanding via the checklist.

It can be a very emotional experience if you start recognizing yourself within the pages of her book. So be prepared for some truths laid out and in your face. It can also be the best book you've ever read.

Another thing about the book is that it will help you identify where your codependent roots were formed in your life. She (the author) doesn't belittle the codependent; but she certainly gives you truly excellent ways to alter your behaviour.

I do not feel any shame for being codependent; I simply work to the best of my ability to not take on the problems of the world to the point that I become emotionally involved or consumed. (tough job sometimes)

The roads of codependency are paved with good intentions that have an incredible knack for turning sour!

I think you'll enjoy the book.

Now...go to the library right THIS minute! Ya hear me??? Trust me! I KNOW what's BEST for you; MUCH better than you know for yourself! (LOL)...git da picher?

Happy Day to you Miss Kittie!

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Gina

#1Texan · 03-11-2003, 05:37 AM

Good Morning City Kitty

Do you find yourself getting angry that these 2 important people in your life seem to be "not listening" to you.

Does your friend say negative things about her husband yet still finds reasons for staying?

The biggest problem of CD is when I have expectations out of folks. I have learned that when I expect something I always get let down.
I then get angry that "didn't" behave the way I thought they should.
I learned to set boundries, and it helps, I slip too, I'm human.

Let me ask another question: Do you ever feel like you want to stop being this womans best friend?

Gina:
I have wondered how you have been doing, I thought maybe I may have said something that you didn't care for in this post. I hope I haven't offended you.

I hope you both have a good day today.

Take care

#1 Texan