“When did you discover you were Co-Dependant? I had never heard of it until about 6 years ago. Have you read Co-Dependant No more?
I found out about co-dependency in May 2001 and it was indeed a huge eye-opener for me. I did read 'Co-Dependent No More' and even bought several copies for the friends of mine that I recognized as such within the pages of the book. My friends were really happy that I gave it to them and they too were enlightened about themselves.
I would recommend anyone who feels as if they must save the world or the people in their inner circle to read that book. Being co-dependent can be self-destructive and misguided…
Since reading 'CD No More', I have done my best to not fall into the trappings of my inner-core...the part of me that allows people to take advantage of me and the part of me that feels compelled to solve the problems of others…especially when not invited to do so.
My Opinion: I think a lot of us are here on these boards not only to seek opinions and advice of others but to also feed our own need to “help” those in crisis/need.
Co-dependency runs deep...but I don’t think it’s necessarily always a bad thing.
The trick is to do what you feel you want to for others but expect nothing in return... don’t count on undying gratitude for your good deeds/advice.
I also think OpenSeason is a prime “on-line” example of this kind of giving person. Don’t know if he is co-dependent but I do know that he pops into the different message boards on this site and offers his two-cents worth and goes on to the next subject. I don’t think he’s ever asked for advice...he just offers/gives it, or at the least “food for thought”.
Mind you, I feel his advice and comments are sound and sincere. So, Mr. OpenSeason… press on; I have appreciated your thoughts and views.
You are so right about us being self-destructive and misguided.
I have given my copy out to 2 women friends of mine and one was as stunned as I was when she read it, she was grateful and went and bought her own copy.
Another friend blew it off, she recognized some of her behaviour, but made no effort to stop it.
So one friend is a happier person and the other is still trying to "fix" everybody.
When I was married to the A I always, always tried to make it right, it was exhausting, 18 years worth. Once we divorced I met a man who was a recovering A, and he pointed out to me he thought I was CD, so I bought the book and it was a compelling read. The longer I was with this guy the more I recognized this fault in me and guess what he took full advantage of it. He used me for sex, baby sitting, housekeeping, etc.
Once I was over him I set some boundries for myself and they work.
I have always been outspoken and when I was married to the A I quit, I got tired of the arguing and bickering.
I am happy to say I am closer to the old me now. I say what I feel, when I feel it. I feel so much better.
I agree that it isn't always a bad thing, I have learned with my friends, to help if I really see them in pain over something, and I always tell them "This is just my opinion, it doesn't really mean s--t"
I hope you have had a good day today.
The Following User Says Thank You to #1Texan For This Useful Post: angrygrr (08-27-2011)
I know this isn't exactlly what you ment by this post, but I wonder if this book will help me.
This weekend I was soooooo depressed because my bestfriend will still not divorce her abusive husband even when I paid her lawyers retainer (without her asking) - and no matter how much stuff (toys) I keep buying my boyfriend he is never happy or satisfied. His happiness is so based on material stuff and I get upset I can't get him to see the light.
[This message has been edited by Citykittie (edited 03-11-2003).]
Co-Dependency comes in all kinds of interesting behaviour. It's a need to control others actions and can cause much distress if the object of your good will doesn't seem to want to go along with the plan...your plan. Go to your local library and look for:
"Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself", by Melody Beattie
The first chapter or thereabouts has several short stories of individuals depicting the different forms of codependency. The next chapter is a checklist of sorts to help you identify the many characteristics of codependency within yourself.
I think just about everyone has "symptoms" of codependency in varying forms; so just because you can say "yes" to a few of the questions doesn't necessarily qualify you.
Answers are "often, sometimes, or never"...(I think?) be completely honest with yourself as you go thru each question. You'll quickly recognize yourself as CD as you read the first few stories and you'll get a better understanding via the checklist.
It can be a very emotional experience if you start recognizing yourself within the pages of her book. So be prepared for some truths laid out and in your face. It can also be the best book you've ever read.
Another thing about the book is that it will help you identify where your codependent roots were formed in your life. She (the author) doesn't belittle the codependent; but she certainly gives you truly excellent ways to alter your behaviour.
I do not feel any shame for being codependent; I simply work to the best of my ability to not take on the problems of the world to the point that I become emotionally involved or consumed. (tough job sometimes)
The roads of codependency are paved with good intentions that have an incredible knack for turning sour!
I think you'll enjoy the book.
Now...go to the library right THIS minute! Ya hear me??? Trust me! I KNOW what's BEST for you; MUCH better than you know for yourself! (LOL)...git da picher?
Do you find yourself getting angry that these 2 important people in your life seem to be "not listening" to you.
Does your friend say negative things about her husband yet still finds reasons for staying?
The biggest problem of CD is when I have expectations out of folks. I have learned that when I expect something I always get let down.
I then get angry that "didn't" behave the way I thought they should.
I learned to set boundries, and it helps, I slip too, I'm human.
Let me ask another question: Do you ever feel like you want to stop being this womans best friend?
I have wondered how you have been doing, I thought maybe I may have said something that you didn't care for in this post. I hope I haven't offended you.
Oh what the hell... if we aren't obsessing over some thing or another... what WOULD we do with ourselves??
My hopes and dreams to hold off on drinking went extremely well from the hours beginning Sunday night around 9:30 all the way 'til approximately 2:30 Monday afternoon.
And the nice cold beer that I am consuming as I write this is getting me past the jitters caused by a bit of overindulgence last night.
and s'more truth... I completely forgot to order the book... but I WILL!!! Honestly, I definitely will. Today!! I will do it today! I absolutely promise (myself, not you). Us alkies have to commit to ourselves ya know. I will order it and even show some sort of proof that I did.
The biggest trick will be to actually open the book and begin doing as it tells me to do. I'll keep you informed...and thank you for being so CD with me... see, sometimes... it really isn't always such a bad thing.
Get your rear in gear and get on amazon and order the book!
I'll order it too if I have too and we can READ IT TOGETHER!
I'm having lunch with my son today, his GF has decided to move back home(YES) I never thought they were suited for each other. Poor thing, he his hurting but not as bad as I thought he would be, he's like "I've done all I know to do and She has to do what she feels is best for her" This is his first serious relationship. I hope he can continue to move forward and find some body that he is on the same page with.
Well IF you don't mind... I really must get my lazy butt to work! I have a business meeting at 11:30 that I was NOT planning on. (just talked to da boss)...
I have lovely work hours... I'll be there when you see me... and leave when I wanna....Just make sure my paycheck isn't docked! However, business meetings take priority. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/hammer.gif
(Sorry, about your son...Love certainly can be a *****)
Shipping Details (order will arrive in 1 shipment)
Order Number: xxx-xxxxxxx-xxx5419
Subtotal of Items: $ 36.16
Shipping & Handling: $ 4.98
Super Saver Discount: -$ 4.98
Total for this Order: $ 36.16
Shipping estimate: March 17, 2003
Delivery estimate: March 21, 2003 - March 22, 2003
1 "Sober for Good" Anne M. Fletcher (Author); Hardcover; @ $25.00 each
------------------------------------------------------1 "Seven Weeks to Sobriety" Joan Mathews Larson, Joan Mathews-Larson; Paperback; @ $11.16 each
I decided to get the Fletcher book too...it had such good reviews that I figured I might as well kick in some extra incentive...help?... whatever.
Okay... now let's just get me to the point of opening the books and *gasp* reading them!
Yep... nothin' codependent about you! No Sir! Well, take your time...delivery isn't expected for about 10 days... Thank God!... or not. I am so aprehensive about this. I want it to work; I really do.
I just don't want to fail...again.
Tex you're great; it will be really nice to have you out there to help me through this.
HOWEVER!! I have another pressing problem that maybe you could help with. There are unknown persons out there in cyber-marketing-land that are insisting on fixing a different problem...that I didn't even know I had!
From: Shocking News
Subj: Gina Grow your penis safely and naturally
Carry me back to old Virginia... Yorktown to be exact. We don't have any "Remember the Alamo" stuff but we are where freedom was won in the very beginning.
Cornwallis surrendered to Washingon a couple of miles down the road from here.... and... I kinda did a surrender (giggle)of sorts in the very same location... some many moons ago! Just doing my patriotic salute... ya know?
I toured the Dallas airport back in '87! Does that count?
Your husband would have most likely been stationed at VA Beach or Norfolk. Unless he was stationed at the weapons station in Yorktown. Yorktown really is a beautiful little town.
Ahhhh Virginia...temporary home of the 911 terrorists.
Security is extremely high at Yorktown and a terrorist hit would not be easy to pull off... but I can't help but be a bit nervous. They hit Yorktown... I'm toast! The weapons station is THE base that supplies the Navy on the East Coast. Can you imagine a nuclear weapon getting blasted?
God Bless Mr. Bush...how he is managing to keep his alcoholism from rearing its' ugly head is nothing short of miraculous. He has really become my hero. Y'all from Texas are pretty neato spiffy keen peoples!
And I have heard him talk about VA Beach.
I want to talk about my son for a minute, he told me at lunch that he feels ashamed that this relationship hasn't worked out, He said He's ashamed because it's all bs. He wasn't blaming himself, just the whole situation. I told him not to be ashamed, that they are just two different people and not on the same page.
When I was in the shower a bit ago SHE called crying and left a message for me to check on him for her, she was concerned. He apparantly had had enouph and didn't want to talk anymore and she was pushing it.
When I called he said he didn't want to talk, I told him I understood and right now it doesn't seem like it, but in time the hurt will go away, and that all things happen for a reason. I told him he could come out here and stay if he wanted, and that I was here for him and that I loved him. He was trying so hard not to cry.
I'm not bad mouthing her or being negative, he doesn't need that. I guess all I can do is be here for him and check on him through out the day, we both work at the same place in different departments, so it's easy to go see him.
I don't know what else to do. Do you have any suggestions?
As a parent; the thought of my child(ren) in physical pain is unbearable. But for them to be in emotional pain is crushing. I remember when my oldest son had to face the death of his pet catepillar; I think he was about 7 years old. He was devastated and after I got past the comic effect...I realized that his heart was breaking. He is now 14 and has had to face the end of a couple of relationships that in his mind were "serious". Because he is so young; I'm able to use some different styles of comfort on him than might be useful for an older child.
Think of your son as a friend of yours that is suffering from the same thing. IF he chooses to express his feelings to you; listen intently and do your best not to express any negativity for his ex girlfriend...doing that could put him into defense mode and he may end up angry at you.
You said earlier that he stated he was ashamed for whatever reason. Try to avoid telling him not to feel a certain way...instead; ask him to tell you why he feels this way or that. His embarrassment at not being able to hold their relationship together is obviously at the surface of his emotions. Find out if he thinks anyone will think less of him... if it is; ask him is that the way he feels about any buddy of his that has gone through the same thing.
It's a difficult time in anyone's life to lose a love; and to tell them that...hey, don't worry, there's more where she came from...probably won't be what he wants to hear.
Assure him that his feelings are normal; the end of a relationship feels much like the death of that person; the pain will pass... tell him you love him and you are there if he needs to talk. Stay in touch in as much as you usually would; let him set the tone of the discussion and allow him to work throught it on his own if that is what he needs.
I assume he may have done a lot of hopeful talk concerning her while they were together and he's doing a lot of remembering of those things...it's just tough.
I guess the number one thing I can suggest: Don't bring it up to him other than; are you feeling better...would you like to come for dinner...etc. But let him choose or not choose to talk about it.
Also, if you end up talking to her...be nice; if you can't stand talking to her; end the conversation as politely as you can... don't burn your bridges...they could always get back together and you never know she could end up being the mommy to your grandkids!
Tough situation. Lemme know how it works out. I hope I was able to help.