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Old 10-12-2003, 01:13 AM   #1
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Chicago, IL, USA
Posts: 1
Chika83 HB User
Post Coping with Codependency

I recently dated a guy who is an alcoholic. Our relationship became very intense very quickly. We connected on a very deep level, and just had an amazing connection. However, he's an alcoholic, and his behaviors were extremely manic. One day he was affectionate and loving, and the next he was cold and distant. Our relationship was long distance, and I made frequent visits to go see him. Just this past weekend, he kicked me out of his apartment after telling me he slept with his ex-girlfriend. Naturally, he had been drinking and I was hysterical. After all of the things he's done, this was definitely the worst, and I promised myself I was done. I ended up calling him Thursday night after finding out from his parents that he was going into rehab on Friday. We spoke for about 45 minutes and that was it. I can't stop thinking about him and wondering how he is...I just bought a book on codependency and realize that it's what I became with him. I feel myself slipping back into depression and I need help getting out of it. I also know that in his 12 step recovery, he will be making amends with those he's hurt. Assuming I will be one of the people he will need to make amends with, I don't know if it's in my best interest to have any sort of contact with him. I don't trust myself enough...I need to detach. Any advice???

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Old 10-12-2003, 04:22 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Tx USA
Posts: 564
#1Texan HB User

Hi Chicka
I have been exactly where you are at. I found that I had to detach. Bounderies are always in place with me, it isn't easy, you have to be aware at all times.

The depression is from not feeling loved and needed, I had to find new interest's and really get into the things I enjoy doing.

My ex husband of 18 years was/is alcoholic and then I dated a recovering alcoholic for nearly a year.
Alcohlics are selfish people, drinking or not drinking, they tend to find other things to get addicted to and for people like us (co-dependants) it is not healthy for us to be in relationships with them.

YOU are the important one, not him.
Try to not let the depression overwhelm you, realize that you must accept him for the way he is and move on with your life. I suffer from depression as well, and I am currently on Prozac, it helps fight the urge that I have for wanting to always "fix" things.

Please don't assume that if he gets into the program that he will "work" it. Do not expect him to amend to you, he may not. Be careful of expectations, they will always get us in trouble.

Keep reading and learning. I am here if you would like to talk.

Take Care


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Old 10-12-2003, 08:24 AM   #3
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Posts: 710
Hopefortoday HB User
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I agree, do not expect him to make amends to you and to be "fixed." You must focus on yourself and I would recommend some Al-Anon meetings.

If he DOES work a good 12-step recovery program, you will know it and see it. But it's your choice to resume your relationship with him. It is possible to have a healthy relationship with an alcoholic/addict, but you both need to be in recovery, in my opinion. My husband is a recovering addict and we have a wonderful relationship!

Good luck to you whatever you decide!

[This message has been edited by Hopefortoday (edited 10-12-2003).]

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