It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Codependency Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 09-05-2004, 10:24 PM   #1
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 36
diesel25 HB User
Co-Dependency

So, I know that there is something wrong with me but I cannot put my finger on it. I know it has something to do with relationships because out of the 12 or so that I have had, all have ended in me smothering them. After many years and many failed relationships, I wanted to find out what was wrong with me... Well a good friend said that I might be co-dependent.. I read up on it and alot of the traits of co-dependency was what I was feeling, lonely, feeling no love from anyone including family or friends and many other traits...

Well I start off by seeing a girl named Ashley at work.. Yeah I know don't date at work, but that is where all my friends are and I have learned this the hard way about dating at work.. Well so the first girl I have ever asked out in my life (all the others have asked me out), she said yes and we dated for about a week.. She went off to Cancun on a trip with her parents.. During that time I kinda fell for her best friend (mary) of whom works with both of us.. While Ashley was away, me and Mary got pretty close and really enjoyed the time together.. Mind you both got out of a serious relationship about 1 week before I knew them both.... Well turns out, my 2 month relationship with Mary was just a rebound and she ditched me to the curb which really tore me up.. Ashley was cool with me dating Mary, she wanted me to be happy and it seemed like we were the good couple... Well I fell for Mary and I guess I was just something to get over her x boyfriend.. Well after that was over, me and Ashley became friends again... I hooked her up with my buddy of whom just got a divorce... They dated for a few weeks and then she kinda just faded away, didnt want to see him anymore, rather would want to spend more time with me.. Me and Ashley got really close and both found that we love spending time with each other and I told her that I wanted to be friends with her before anything if we were to try and date again... She as of now is seeing a guy who is a player, who is a tough guy and just plays mind games with her, and she ends up falling for it and sleeping with the guy... And she thinks she can get closer to him by sleeping with him.. Any guy actually, she feels that way.. She seems to be a bit co-dependent herself.. Well anyway, I told her I never wanted to be around this guy and her... Well as I hang out more with Ashley, the more I enjoy her and the more I care about her.. I have told her I hate this dude and how he treats her but she says she thinks she isnt doing anything wrong... Well like I said, in my head I want to just be friends with her and be as close as I can, but I feel like I am falling for her because I am kinda feeling jealous.. Not necessarly because she is sleeping with this guy, but its more than that I feel... I want her to be happy and to be with a good guy, but she is attracted to tough guys... And that is what hurts me is she is gonna end up catching something or getting royally screwed over... I don't know what to do... Is this a sign of co-dependency?!?!?

I kinda want to sit down with her and tell her, hey I want to be best friends with you but I think I am on a different page than you and so I think its best we just talk at work or?!?!?

And mind you, I don't see any difference than me meeting a different woman, I would prolly fall for her faster than she would fall for me... And that would be co-dependency... How do you break this cycle?!??! How do I get away from co-dependency?!?! Is my feelings for Ashley real or do you think its co-dependency?!?!

Please help I don't want to loose a friend...

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 09-06-2004, 05:56 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 3,336
Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Co-Dependency

My own personal opinion is
1) Read books about co-dependency
2) STOP DATING for awhile. Quit feeding the neediness. Volunteer somewhere, help out family, join a health club or ride a bike, take a class.
3) Give yourself a year to build up a life for yourself outside of a relationship. Then, and only then, give it another go!

 
Old 09-06-2004, 06:47 AM   #3
Inactive
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Easton, Pa
Posts: 734
promisez HB User
Re: Co-Dependency

Ruth hit the proverbial nail on the head with Number 3. Thats the same suggestion I give my sponsees in the 12 step recovery fellowship I am in. One NEEDS a year to
re-learn about themselves after all the years of trying to please others by "fitting" into their lives. You can never love anyone until you love yourself first. Co-dependants try to find that love in someone else and guess what? It cannot be shared because you will demand more and more thinking more is "better". Thats when you split with someone. Become self dependant and share your love with someone and not the one that tries to take it from you so they feel good. I took 2 years for myself, best thing I've ever done. You will see the insanity of it once you step back from it.

 
Old 09-06-2004, 07:58 AM   #4
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Columbus
Posts: 140
Queeneev HB User
Re: Co-Dependency

I absolutely TRIPLE that advice #3. Very very very very helpful to not have any "pinings" for anybody for a year (or more!!). You may find that you get bored and lonely, but consider that being "alone" does not automatically mean "lonely". Embrace the peace that will enter your life, and learn to be comfortable with yourself by yourself. It's a pampering, sort of. Focus on just you.

As for not reading the books, each person is different. I have one friend that simply can't go without the books, they are like a mroning meditation for him. But I do see the validity in that advice, because you can get wrapped up in labels and "packages" of ideas, and buying into a notion of 'I am like this or that'. Perhaps the lesson to learn is that you are capable of change, and that the books can keep your head buried in it when maybe you would be better suited to let the text go for now and just learn more about yourself without being prompted or "lead" by the words in the book. Make sense?

good luck!

 
Old 09-06-2004, 08:22 AM   #5
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 36
diesel25 HB User
Re: Co-Dependency

yeah it really does.. thank you so much for the great advice... i was single for about a year or so before i got with one of my former x girlfriends... i guess the time didnt help me out much.. hehe or i just wasnt doing the correct stuff with my free time..

i dont know what i should do about my female friend that i feel like i am falling for... i am scared i am gonna loose her if i keep it up.. i am just sitting back letting her call the shots but she sometimes says she feels like we are growing apart... so i dont know, she knows i am going thru some co-dependency stuff but i dont think she totally understands that i am falling for her.. i really want to be her friend and be close to her and let life take its path and maybe down the line we will see what happens but right now i just feel overwhelmed with feelings for her..

 
Old 09-06-2004, 08:38 AM   #6
Inactive
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Easton, Pa
Posts: 734
promisez HB User
Re: Co-Dependency

Typical reaction. Why focus on ourselves when we can justify focusing on others. It steers us away from the real problem, which is self.
She already said she doesn't like the way you are so why bother hanging on? Place the focus of healing where it belongs. This isn't about how you feel for her, its about how you feel about yourself. Talking about how you feel about her sidesteps the issue. Think about it.

Last edited by promisez; 09-06-2004 at 08:40 AM.

 
Old 09-06-2004, 08:42 AM   #7
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 36
diesel25 HB User
Re: Co-Dependency

Quote:
Originally Posted by promisez
Typical reaction. Why focus on ourselves when we can justify focusing on others. It steers us away from the real problem, which is self.
She already said she doesn't like the way you are so why bother hanging on? Place the focus of healing where it belongs. This isn't about how you feel for her, its about how you feel about yourself. Talking about how you feel about her sidesteps the issue. Think about it.

not to try and sidestep, but i dont know how she feels about me.... she gave me a chance to date her before so why would it change now?!?! should i come out and ask her how she feels about me or just ignore it??

 
Old 09-06-2004, 09:33 AM   #8
Inactive
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Easton, Pa
Posts: 734
promisez HB User
Re: Co-Dependency

I think the bigger question is how do you feel about yourself. Right now, I'd say you were unhappy from your thoughts. 99% of women don't lean towards dependant or needy men so we pretty much have an idea what her answer will be. If it makes you comfortable, or you feel a need to know, then ask her. She may just give you the time you need to change and work on your behaviours. As for the dating, she may now notice behaviours in you that she didn't see before and she now finds them unacceptable. Things do change, not only daily but minute by minute, circumstance by circumstance. Whatever your choice, my point is that you should feel comfortable with it and accept any outcomes. From that we learn.

Last edited by promisez; 09-06-2004 at 09:35 AM.

 
Old 09-06-2004, 03:26 PM   #9
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Columbus
Posts: 140
Queeneev HB User
Re: Co-Dependency

Quote:
Originally Posted by promisez
Talking about how you feel about her sidesteps the issue.
That's powerful, but true. Deisel, the possibility losing her is something you simply must face. One thing you should consider is that your "falling for her" is a separate (but related) issue from being codependent. I think you are calling yourself codependent because you want this woman and cant' figure out a way to make that happen, and you are not ready to just give up hope. That is not (imo) codependent. Who HASN'T ached for some wonderful person who was always just out of range? That is "life". Your codependency is the part where you fear she will make bad choices and you think you can direct her to a better life. All you can do on that matter is support her, and be honest about your fears for her. Go with the flow and don't put expectations on her or yourself. I suspect she probably has a lot of trial, error, and pain to get through before she figures out what is important in a mate for her (hopefully someone like you). You are young, and life is long and patient, so give it room to grow. It might, it might not.

Honestly, from a woman's point of view, it smells like she's not on the same page as you. She may not be conscious of your feelings, too involved in her own world to pick up signals. Or, perhaps she IS aware of your feelings, but she does not care to address them, especially if she's got another man on her mind and heart, regardlesss of whether he's the wrong guy. I would bet money that she does have a clue how you feel, but she is politely refraining from conversing on the matter, because it would serve her no pupose unless she a) intended to begin a relationship with you, or b) she needed to clear the air with you so you could move on. And that should be allowed, if you want to continue with the friendship. I don't think it is smart for you to discuss it presently. If you follow my logic that she already knows how you feel, then there is no point for you to bring it up. She will (bring it up) - if she wants to. If she doesn't bring it up, well then, the answer is in the silence. I've known when a guy friend has had a thing for me, and it's gone both ways for me: one guy never brought it up and I always thought that was clasy, because it would have been painful for me to have to speak the truth that there were not reciprocal feelings; the other guy got real clingy and I could hardly bear to be near him, and we are not close at all now, it turned me off a LOT. It sucks but you live and learn and let other doors open.

Hope that's not too harsh to read. I'm trying to offer my own life lessons so someone might not suffer the hurt as bad. Love does hurt, dang it.

 
Old 09-07-2004, 06:03 AM   #10
Inactive
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: ma
Posts: 9,639
eightball61 HB User
Re: Co-Dependency

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
My own personal opinion is
1) Read books about co-dependency
2) STOP DATING for awhile. Quit feeding the neediness. Volunteer somewhere, help out family, join a health club or ride a bike, take a class.
3) Give yourself a year to build up a life for yourself outside of a relationship. Then, and only then, give it another go!

Ruth....You have great advice here.

 
Old 09-11-2004, 04:51 PM   #11
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 36
diesel25 HB User
Re: Co-Dependency

Yeah I have went to a local CoDA meeting as well as bought "Codependency No More & Beyond Codependency" and it is really fitting together my actions and behaviors... Its really nice to finally understand some of the stuff that I do... Does anyone know of a website directory of therapists that specialize in certain issues, such as Co-Dependency?

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Co-signing loan for relative trystme Relationship Health 22 01-26-2010 09:58 AM
CO% and CO# in blood test hiro2 Open to All Other Health Topics 5 11-21-2009 10:42 AM
Co-pay assistance young61 Cancer: Lung 0 11-13-2009 06:38 AM
Please help me with my lyme and co-infections!!! IhateLyme Lyme Disease 3 07-14-2009 06:39 PM
Re: how do u feel about a co-ed sleepover? Swordmaster Parenting Issues 1 06-28-2008 11:04 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



rosequartz (4), Seraph (4), writeleft (2), renko (2), jillian4 (1), melliegirl (1), Ren1021 (1), bruxister (1), captjane (1), lenvegas (1)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1005), Apollo123 (906), Titchou (850), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (759), ladybud (755), midwest1 (669), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:42 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!