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Old 06-09-2005, 01:13 AM   #1
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co-dependency questions

Hi,
I am in a 4 1/2 yr relationship and am about to cohabitate. many behaviors I question. But, lately, he questions my ability to follow thru with my 19 yr son and his habits of coming in late hours and sleeping in all morning. prior to by son arriving here from college no mention of this occurred. that is all we talk about. other behaviors he has constantly exhibitied is copying every feeling i share with him i feel for myself. if my stomach is hurting from anything, he also has a stomach ache - may food poisoning or whatever. if i say no, i feel he seems to try to turn in around to a yes. he wants to tell my son how disrespecting he is to me and that he needs to get a job and be responsible. but, i ask him will he communicate both positive attributes along wiht the negative during this proposed conversation . No, he tells me that he expects my son to come to me after he tells him all he is doing wrong. I am so tired of the constant badgering from him to get me to set a schedule for by boy. prior to this summer, never a word was spoken. we are discussing living together and he feels that my son needs to follow the rules and to never break them.
I am not sure if this is getting out to make sense. But, I need to know how to identify both co-dependency traits and possibly OCD traits. He was married to an OCD for 24 years. I feel that some of that rubbed off on him.

Last edited by dessertflower; 06-09-2005 at 01:18 AM. Reason: Put under relationship issues

 
Old 06-09-2005, 02:27 AM   #2
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Re: co-dependency questions

Hi dessertflower,
Been there done something like that.

Your description sounds quite co-dependent to me and I think you have a handle on what this is because you name several red flags. Each person must experience and and be responsible for their own emotions. It is impossible to experience each others' feelings, as you seem to know. Please do not be offended but that you still are considering living together with what you already know seems like you may also tend to somewhat codependent choices. You can make a healthy choice now before this gets any stickier. The guy is not going to change. He is who he is..now you are seeing it.

The way I see it you have a choice to make...staying out of chaos or entering it. I think that obsessiveness and compulsiveness are personal traits, not something that rubbed off from someone else. Beware of excusing or overlooking that behavior as what you see is his own character. To me, not being able to be two separate people is abuse just waiting to happen. How will he be when you feel really bad and he feels bad and then blames you for it? That is what co-dependence leads to. We need a mate that owns his own emotions so that he is not angry when we are. How can you ever be an encouragement to each other if he has no self control over his own emotions and thoughts? None of the good traits anyone has makes up for some potentially really harmful ones.

I think that you see the writing on the wall as far as living together, at least while your son is living at home. You already are experiencing the tension and can see this is adding a struggle to your life. The boy friend is not ever going to be son's father and would only be resented for acting like he should have a say in his life at age 19.

Are you wanting to kick your son out or to get tough with him? Perhaps you need to make some changes but do you want to do that at the boyfriend's demand? Maybe when the son is on his own for good you two are OK together. But I suspect there have been other problems that you have been able to ignore or smooth over because you didn't have the stress of living together.

Girlfriend I hope you take care of yourself first and foremost and then your son. Neither of you need this. Just be friends and date if you want but I don't think living with a guy like that will give you any kind of peace or security.
Do you have any doubts?

 
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Old 06-09-2005, 10:30 PM   #3
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Re: co-dependency questions

Thank you for your input. I find I am keeping an emotional distance just in case. My son & are moving out of this house of 10 years in a couple weeks. I got married here. My husband lived 4 years here before he died. His last two years were painful for him and therefore painful for his daughter, my son and myself. We are lucky the first people to see this beautiful home decided to put an offer on it yesterday. I am going a multituded of emotions - both leaving the past in this home and moving on to the future. My son will be going back to his college town the first week of August. There are a lot of adjustments for the two of us. My bf is quiter today, yet is more distanced. Sometimes, he still has to tell me how to talk to my son. I just agree and leave a pregnant pause. He gets it, and says he doesn't have to tell what to say to my son. I think the ideas of him trying to control this and the way he delivers information by the control or lack thereof is what is bothering me now. I am worn out physically. Mentally, I am ready to make an appt with my therapist to help me first and then , for the two of us to get help to understand the tension and other unknwon factors going on with us. Thanks again for your input.

 
Old 06-10-2005, 01:00 AM   #4
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Re: co-dependency questions

I agree with the other response, though I don't know all that much about co-dependency. I would definitely be cautious before moving in with a man who has already demonstrated so many red flags and disturbing, potentially dangerous behaviors. The main thing I wanted to say is that I think he is completely out of line (and screwed up) for thinking he has any right to regulate what your son does and what hours he keeps. It is perfectly normal for college aged kids to stay up and sleep in much later than many adults think is acceptable, but at their age, it is also quite inappropriate and condescending to try to force them to adhere to a rigid schedule. As long as your son is academically successful, can hold a job, and seems socially well-adjusted, I'm sure he's doing just fine. Allowing this man to tell him otherwise and treat him like a helpless child will only cause your son to avoid and resent both of you...I also hope you don't allow your BF's obsessive need to control other people to affect the way you treat your son.

Once a kid gets into high school, it's babying them (which will interfere with their ability to function as mature, independent adults when the time comes) to be overly controlling and micro-manage their lives through things like telling them when to get up and go to bed. To do that as he's preparing to enter college is just plain insulting and belittling. I know I would have absolutely hated my mom for trying to impose a schedule on me the summer before college, when I finally had a chance to rest and have fun after 4 years of hard work (and before 4 more years of hard work to come). I would have probably stayed with friends or my boyfriend and refused to have anything to do with her if she tried to act like such a Fascist, and if my mom's BF tried to tell me when to go to bed and get up, I would have demanded that my mom leave him or risk her relationship with me. That kind of need to control other adults is deeply disturbing and abnormal...I think you should run away as far and as fast as you can from this guy, for the sake of both you and your son. He sounds like he has serious issues which could quickly escalate into abuse...he can't be helped just by your love; he will need professional help if he is ever going to function normally around other people and especially within romantic relationships.

 
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