I'm Co Dependant - I Want To Change ........but don't know how. I abandon myself and my feelings and needs to please others. I go out of my way to do so much stuff for other people even if it means im unhappy or upset. My co dependancy has had a huge impact on my life and not in a good way. Its not as easy as just stopping doing so much for people its also a confidence thing aswell. I started reading a book on it and i also visited my doctors and he said yes i am co dependant.
I've just come to the conclusion that I might be codependent as well. I found a wiki article on it and discovered that I may have self-esteem and avoidance issues. It sounds like you put other people before your own needs. Do you feel that you have to please people for them to like you? Or do you get joy out of helping people? I'm not a professional in this but I'll try to make a suggestion. You have to take care of yourself first. If you enjoy helping people out you can volunteer at an organization that helps needy people or you can become a mentor. Something along those lines. When it comes to helping people you know personally remember that you can't help them if you don't help yourself first. Do you find it scary saying no to someone? I know that it can seem like if you say no they might get mad and that can be a worrying thought. Just remember that if they get mad they are not respecting you. You can calmly tell them you would love to help them out, but right now you have to take care of something for yourself first. If they need help later on and you don't feel as if you are forced to do it then help them out then.
My issues have to do with me not asserting myself and not letting people know when I want something. It makes me very anxious and depressed. So I'm working on that too. The one thing I have to remember is if someone gets mad at me or rejects me at least I said my mind and took steps to take care of myself. It is not easy to deal with anger or rejection, but it also incredibly hard to deal with worry and anxiety. We all have a right to be happy and to have peace of mind. Working on this stuff isn't easy, but it will lead to a healthier and happier you.
"Don't get offended, If I seem absent minded, I get tongue-tied, Baby, you've got to be more demanding, I will be yours"
Bloc Party, Modern Love
Last edited by MsConfused; 05-24-2011 at 12:42 AM.
I just recently found out that I was codependent. It actually just about destroyed my relationship with someone I care deeply about so I found out about it the hard way, unfortunately. Its a tough pill to swallow but I'm actually very grateful for her having been so brutally honest with me. I was fairly oblivious to it...either that, or deep down inside I knew about it but was just in so much denial that I believed it.
My biggest thing is the fact that I spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about others rather than myself. My wants and desires get put on the back burner as I try to help to help someone do something or solve a problem instead of allowing them to do it themselves.
Something my friend posted on fb the other really helped me with the self-reflection that I started doing..."A better relationship with yourself = a better relationship with others, meaning 1) Accept that you have issues and work on those issues 2) Forgive yourself for having those issues 3) Accept that others have issues". Obviously, its easier said than done though.
Since this is a new discovery for me, I've only done research online. I have found a book (Codependent No More) though that has received great reviews so I'm going to be picking that up.
The Following User Says Thank You to phunkatronic For This Useful Post: MsConfused (05-31-2011)
I'm so sorry you are hurting. What jumped out at me is your post title: "I want to change."
"Codependent No More" was a life changing read for me. I encourage you to see if there is a CODA meeting in your area. You will find a tremendous help of experience, strength and hope as you begin your journey. You'll meet folks who think/feel just like you do.
I also committed to working with a Liscensed Professional Counselor (LPC) to help me figure out what happened in my life that set me up to be codependent.
By posting, you have made the first step to change. Welcome to recovery. I promise there is hope, if you commit to your own recovery.
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The following user gives a hug of support to melliegirl: hungerbee (06-07-2011)
The Following User Says Thank You to melliegirl For This Useful Post: MsConfused (06-02-2011)