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Old 05-30-2011, 09:27 PM   #1
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Isn't it bad enough already? Living with Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde...

Hi, everyone. I'm new here and found this board via google search. I am at my wits end with my husband, the "everything addict". See, hubby doesn't really discriminate as to what substance keeps him numb - just that he remains that way. I don't mean to sound like an idiot but I have put up with some pretty insane stuff over the years, trying to "keep my family together", meanwhile, he and his buddies (cocaine, whiskey and barbiturates) have conspired to tear us apart from the inside-out. It's been nearly eight years, seven arrests, three convictions, three years in prison, two custody battles and too many insults / injuries to count - too many for me! I can't take it anymore.

Still, I love this man. I know he is out of control and I am not wearing any rose colored glasses here. He is bipolar, taking medication and still drinking daily. When he can't drink, he smokes pot. He cut the coke out years ago, so that does help a little but truthfully, I feel like he's just substituting one high for another because he doesn't know how to live sober. Tonight, his weed ran out and I refused to give him money for booze so he took my muscle relaxers instead. Jerk! Now I'm gonna be in pain all night so he could pass out on my pills! I am very angry and carry a lot of resentments, despite sincere efforts not to. I believe hatred hurts me way more than it can ever hurt the person I hate, plus I could never hate him for long. I always find a way to talk myself into loving him again...

I am a former addict, myself, so I understand the dynamics. I don't want to use or anything like that, so that's awesome...if being with hubby throughout his overdose in February, after the most recent arrest for DV which ruined Thanksgiving, I am more grateful than ever to be clean. You couldn't pay me to go back to drooling on myself, passed out on the couch on some kind of dope. Just seeing him do it makes me sick and disgusted. I am grateful to remember, every day, how far I have come - but still addiction wreaks havoc on my life.

We used to use drugs together, but I cleaned up when he went to prison and have never looked back. I got a degree, my driver's license back and won custody of my kids. Why risk all that for some idiot who doesn't love me or our children enough to clean up his act - even if that idiot and I share a bed and a last name?

I guess that's what is most baffling to me - the fact that I'm still here, still waiting for him to make good on his promises. I feel so stupid, after all of this - all of my hard work and I'm letting myself be stuck with him. I don't need him. I choose to put up with it. I think I may be addicted to him now, since I put drugs away. Just great, like it wasn't already bad enough!

That's my reason for being on this anonymous site, so maybe some of ya'all can talk some sense into me without the guilt trip my friends and family would employ. I need feed back and maybe a shoulder to cry on, but I think many of my nearest and dearest are done with me until I get done with him. Please Help.

 
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Old 05-30-2011, 09:59 PM   #2
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Re: Isn't it bad enough already? Living with Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde...

Hi forever again! I may not have enough experience to speak to all of your post... But others on the board can and will..... However, i wanted to say that you are amazing to have held on to your sobriety during all of this! Good for you, girl! When u are feeling down, remember how strong you are. You are kicking major a$$ for u and your kids, and it is his loss that he isn't coming along for the ride with such a smart and determined person such as yourself. Way to find your path girl and stay on on it, despite uch difficult odds...since he surrounds u with drugs. Keep strong hon, fr you and for your kids. They need you. More peeps will post for sure. This is a great place for support and posting out your feelings. Good vibes to you!!

 
Old 05-31-2011, 09:46 AM   #3
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Re: Isn't it bad enough already? Living with Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde...

Thanks, Wendy88! I hope I don't have to cut him off again, but if I do, I know I will be able to survive again. That's why I went looking for support, because I have to be careful who I ask, and how much I can reveal. My kids can't be drawn into that sh** again, ya know? So far, I think I've done a pretty good job of keeping them oblivious but then it could be me that's oblivious to how perceptive they really are?? I am trying to do what's right for all of us, and yes, that may mean cutting my losses, but I hope he'll pull hid head out of his A** and, as you put it, 'come along for the ride". I appreciate your kind words and encouragement. No worreis, I'll be back!! (Incidently, "Forever Again" is aan expression we used when hubby first got out of prison to represent our clean slate. I actually divorced him once, lol.) Take Care, too...

 
Old 05-31-2011, 10:05 AM   #4
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Re: Isn't it bad enough already? Living with Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde...

you need to get rid of him.....you divorced him once, why didn't you leave well enough alone?
don't expect him to take his head out of his butt anytime soon.....
change is up to you.....are you willing to make the necessary changes?

 
Old 05-31-2011, 10:31 AM   #5
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Re: Isn't it bad enough already? Living with Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde...

Foreveragain- Sweetie, my heart goes out to you & your children. I had to deal with watching the man I love be addicted to two separate substances, and it was horrible. I loved him so much, but knew I could NOT live with an addict, nor allow my children to live with one either- regardless of how much I love him.

Two separate times I had to issue him an ultimatum and it was the hardest thing in the world for me, and apparently the hardest thing in the world for him to hear, because (I'm guessing) HIS rock-bottom was the possibility of losing his children & wife.

His addictions were several years apart, one while we were dating (I had my daughter from a previous marriage), and the second addiction was well after we were married & had our son.

My hubby never got mean or abusive during his use of either substance, but he was addicted & I got sick & tired of dealing with an addict. He never once missed a day of work because of his addictions, BUT it certainly did affect our marriage in that I just couldn't stand watching him use his substances of choice day after day. I wouldn't even allow him to sleep in our bed with me, and if he did happen to pass out in the bed, I would sleep on the sofa.

I was so torn because I didn't want to lose him, and I'm the kind of person that does not make empty threats, so I knew that if I issued that ultimatum, I had to be prepared to stand by it even if he didn't get "clean". This man is my soulmate, and I was so affraid that once he left the house, he wouldn't come back, but sweetie he did, and he came back totally clean & never once has he used again. He quit cold turkey, and has never looked back. He's the man I knew he could be & our marriage is stronger than it's ever been.

I can't tell you what you should do- only YOU know what you can and can't live with, but I can tell you that children are smarter than we think. Their little minds work in amazing ways, and I can assure you there's a good chance that although they may not be able to fully understand the details of what's happening, they more than likely are aware that something just isn't right with daddy. I thought my kids were oblivious too beause they were very young, but our daughter is an adult & our son is in his late teens, and they have both come to me & spoken with me about the time when their dad was under the influence. They asked a lot of questions about why he used to be different, and why he left our home for 3 months. (That was during his second addiction) They now know because I talked with them about it, not all of the dirty details, but suffice to say it was a talk that, to this day, keeps them from making some bad choices that could ruin their futures. I was more than suprised to find out they knew anything was going on because during that time, they were both so young.

I just really wanted to let you know I understand where you're coming from & let you know we are here for you. We will offer an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on & the support you need to work through this & make decisions you need to make as to where to go from here.

I wish you all the very best & and am sending positive thoughts for healing & comfort!

Ozzybug

Last edited by ozzybug; 05-31-2011 at 10:35 AM.

 
Old 06-11-2011, 06:50 PM   #6
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Re: Isn't it bad enough already? Living with Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde...

Eight years....Wow...and probably another 8 years if he lives long enough. You must be exhausted. Living with an addict is hell....and you say you have children. These poor kids should NOT be living in the same house with an addict. Up one minute and down the next...that will cause major damage to a child. It is up to you to protect your children, first and foremost...just my opinion...I know it's hard, but sometimes, no always...you have to stop living like the addict...and with the addict or the addict won't see anything.
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Old 06-11-2011, 09:15 PM   #7
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Re: Isn't it bad enough already? Living with Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde...

I know that you say you "shield" your children from your husbands drug use and behavior....but that's not really possible. Children are incredibly intelligent, perceptive lil creatures....don't for a minute delude yourself into thinking that nothing is going on. There is no way that you should have that man and his addictions in your house with your children, and no way to justify it.

If you don't think of anyone, at least think of them. This guy needs to go and go now. It's not doing you any favors by keeping him around either. he's stealing your meds....what happens when your doc starts thinking your a druggie because you have to call in for early refills or more meds.....he is just all around bad news and you need to get him out of your house before you get sucked into his drama.

kat

 
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addiction and marriage issues, addiction recovery, bipolar husbands, need advice, need help



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