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Old 06-11-2011, 12:11 PM   #1
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The beginning of your struggle with Codependency

Hello everyone

I'm codependent and I have been in recovery a little over a year now, I've heard many many stories, but what I wanted to know was, where do you guys think your codependency started? When did you start to rely on other people for validation? I remember wanting validation from people since I can remember, I just don't know when I first started to do this, what was the defining moment for you?
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Old 07-08-2011, 07:20 PM   #2
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Re: The beginning of your struggle with Codependency

Hello 00lady00,

You posted:

"When did you start to rely on other people for validation? I remember wanting validation from people since I can remember,"
----------------------

Children are dependent upon their parents for acceptance and positive reinforcement.

When they don't receive compliments from the very people that are supposed to help boost their self-esteem,they are easily swayed by others who provide positive feedback.

Instead of feeling a worth of self,they seek it from others,as this is the only means of development which they were afforded.

Children turn into adolescents and adolescents into young adults,etc.

Memories become imbedded in the psyche on a subconscious level and what others view as "x" can easily be interpreted as "y" by the codependent
individual.

Thus codependency not only becomes a way of coping,it becomes a way of life.......

This is but one instance and circumstances are based on an individual's unique set of experiences.....

In my opinion.

Respectfully
Phoenix
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Last edited by Phoenix; 07-08-2011 at 08:26 PM.

 
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Old 07-08-2011, 08:21 PM   #3
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Re: The beginning of your struggle with Codependency

:::::::::::::::::
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Last edited by Phoenix; 07-08-2011 at 08:28 PM. Reason: double post

 
Old 07-08-2011, 09:32 PM   #4
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Re: The beginning of your struggle with Codependency

I have to agree with Phoenix, about child development being an important place to initially learn our sense of self worth. That is not to say that every child that is given less than others from their parents, is bound to become co-dependent. Many of us are able to develop our own sense of self from their own successes and accomplishments.

With that said, I think there are many events that can occur in life that make hits to our self-esteem and can lead towards a sense that we are not enough. We find external ways to validate our selves as worthy, that end up depending on them for our sense of completion as a person.

I imagine there are as many ways and things to become co-dependant on, as there are people to seek them out. May I ask what you have found yourself to depend on in this case?

And, as far as when we find ourselves to be co-dependant I think that is a tricky question, as many people struggling with co-dependance can endure it for years before they are even aware of it, if ever. I think you are in a good position since you have been diagnosed and are a year into treatment. Have you found the treatment to be helpful for you?

I wish you well..
Janet

 
Old 07-18-2011, 06:28 AM   #5
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Re: The beginning of your struggle with Codependency

funny my first "lesson in co-dependency" came early. I couldn't have been more than kindergarden or first grade.....I remember being in school with a candy bar, it was a pack of chuckles, a candy that consisted of probably 6 gellied pieces with sugar on top, and the teacher said something about having to share, so as I held out the candy to share, all the kids took one and I had none left.....that was my first lesson in co-dependency....and they encouraged it.....I was left with an empty wrapper while my classmates enjoyed my candy and they encouraged it....

I don't agree with this kind of teaching.....sharing is ok, but to expect someone to give all of what is theirs away, and if not, they are selfish.....
is that really the lesson we want to teach?

 
Old 07-25-2011, 07:06 AM   #6
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Wink Re: The beginning of your struggle with Codependency

Hello, I'm new and this is my first post. The idea of codependency has just been presented to me in therapy and in learning more about it, I can see how I became codependent and many times when I let it rule. I can see that it is what has fueled my depression and relate to some factor of it in almost every aspect of my life.

When I was 3 or 4, my grandparents lived with us because my grandfather had been in an accident and had limited use of his legs. He was often in pain or sick. But I used to bring him things he needed and he would always say "that's my good little nurse." He would always talk about how I was going to be a nurse when I grew up.

I already knew that I did not want to be a nurse, taking care of other people. I remember agonizing because I was afraid it was already set in stone. Finally, I got courage and with my heart pounding in fear, I told him I didn't want to be a nurse. He assured me that was ok, that I could be anything he wanted."

Then, he said, "but you'll always take care of Grandpa, won't you."

I remember my heart sinking back into doom and gloom, feeling trapped and sure that I was already stuck. I'm pretty sure that guilt has made me a caretaker that allows herself to be manipulated into unhealthy behaviors.

This is a very interesting topic. I've learned a lot from exploring this memory. I wish others would post some of theirs.

Thanks for reading

 
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Old 08-29-2011, 05:37 PM   #7
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Re: The beginning of your struggle with Codependency

Like Vicki, I was sort of in a similar situation. My mother who got Polio at age 5 had limited mobility and required crutches. she was an awesome mom, but I'm pretty sure I got my co-dependency from watching my dad and her interact. He has quite low self esteem and I hate to say it, used her disability to his advantage of being "the helper" and knowing she wouldn't go run off. Pardon my pun. i learned to be a "helper" in my own way in that I learned to find my own happiness from making others happy. Usually through shallow sexual relationships with older women. I've since stopped some those habits after learning of my issues, but it creeps back now and again.

Last edited by mountainbkr; 08-29-2011 at 05:38 PM.

 
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