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Old 06-17-2011, 03:41 PM   #1
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Unhappy (first post). Just got home from dropping husband at rehab...

Hello all. I discovered this board today while waiting on my husband to be admitted. Now he's there for 30 days and I'm here and I'm grieving him and don't know what to do!

Forgive my emotions, they're all over the map right now. A little background first-

He and I have been together 16 years. Highschool sweethearts who married almost 11 yrs ago. We have a wonderful 5yo daughter together. Despite his addictions (alcohol and pain pills), he's my best friendand the love of my life. I'll do anything to help his recovery.

His parents were hard alcoholics. His mom also abused pain and sleeping pills all his life. Both did rehab/jail several times. Before them, I'd never known an addict.

We married young and partied a lot in our early 20's. No drugs, just drinking on weekends and the occasional beer or two during the evening during the week. Once we decided to start a family, we bought a house and settled down. Not to say we never drank, but it was occasionally at best.

When our daughter was a baby, it was tough. She was sick a lot, very colicky and just a hard baby overall. Also, my mom and brother moved in w/ us when she was 6wks old because they had nowhere to go. It was stressful that year to say the least. When she was 2, his pain started. He has a physically demanding job, so we thought that caused it. A trip to the doc returned nothing major. They gave him an rx for strong ibuprophen and sent him home. Soon after, I had hand surgery and was given lortabs. I took 5 of the 20 in the bottle. I found the empty bottle in our garage a week after I'd taken one last. I lost it and he admitted to taking them. He'd also been getting them from a friend at work. We talked it out, he promised no more.

After that, his drinking increased to a couple of beers every night and hard liquor most weekends. We talked about that too and he said no more.

In the last 3 years we've had about 3 major blowups over him either taking pills behind my back or me finding empty beer cans when he said he'd quit drinking. The last major one was about 10 mos ago and his family was involve in a sort of semi-intervention. His dad has been sober for almost 10 yrs, his siblings aren't addicts and his mom still goes on the occasional bender. We all asked him to try some meetings, but he never did. Sine then, I've known him to have a beer or 2 on 3 occasions, and was not aware of any pills. He'd gone to a specialist and been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and they were giving him non narcotic pain meds since we went together to the initial appt and told them about his past issues.

In the past 3 mos he's complained more and more about the pain. He's got terrible insomnia and always seems exhausted. He's been moody, impatient and irritable when normally he's happy, funny and loving.

He takes adderall for ADD which he's had since a child and I noticed he'd started taking 3/day instead of 2. I talked to him about it and tried to get him to open up but all he'd say was that the doc ok'd it as long as it wasn't everyday.

Fast forward to yesterday-his sister called me. He worked for his family business and had been turning in tickets on work he'd never done. This has been going on for months. They told him last week if it happened again he'd be sent home a week w/o pay. Well, it happened again. I had NO idea his work was like this. He's not very close to his siblings even though they work together so they never calle about it before now.

Once they got him home they search his work truck and found several empty pill bottles and small empty wine bottles.

I came home and we talked and his parents had come by and talked to him. His dad encouraged rehab because detox with ongoing treatment and meetings was all that worked for him and he's never relapsed.

We agreed this was best and his sister said he needed to do it or they wouldnt be able to keep him in a job due to the liability.

It just took me off guard. With how he's been acting, I guess I should've known. I thought it was the pain making him feel like that. I've been begging him to see his doc, but he wouldn't go. He's tried antidepressants before because he carried so much guilt, shame, remorse and anxiety from the past times he'd been caught and said they never worked for him.

It was hard for him to admit he's an addict because he doesn't get completely drunk, he just has enough to take the edge off. He doesn't eat handfuls of pills, maybe 6-8 10mg lortabs on his worst day. He's gone days, weeks without either substance and other than being a grump, was ok. He says he doesn't constantly feel the need to drink or medicate. He's a terrible liar and for the most part, I believe what he said.

I told him that to me, the addiction was more evident when he was sober for a period of time because that's when he slowly changes as he's gone without getting angrier, sleepier, less patient, more withdrawn, etc...

Now I'm sitting here alone having found all of this out and dropped him off at rehab where they're talking strip searches and detox, all in the last 36 hrs. My mom has our daughter tonight because I'm just a wreck. My hearts in pieces worried about how hard this will be on HIM more than I am for me.

I know I've been wrong to run myself ragged to do all the hard or unsavory parts of parenting or marriage so he didn't have to for years. It was how I coped. I thought that protecting him
Or allowing him to rest would prevent a binge. Now that person within cant stand that this is going to hurt him and I can't be there to help.

We don't want to tell our daughter. She's never seen him drunk and we haven't discussed it or argued in front of her. I travel for work time to time so we've told her that's where he was going today. God willing this will be the only time and she'll be young enough to not remember. He's never hurt her or neglected her even if he was tired or moody around me, so she knows nothing is wrong.


I just feel so empty without him near. I don't really know what or how to do this. Any advice is greatly appreciated! Sorry for the novel, I just needed to get it all out...

 
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Old 06-17-2011, 04:06 PM   #2
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Re: (first post). Just got home from dropping husband at rehab...

Hello Mandagirl,

He was beginning that downward spiral towards rock bottom.

Thirty days will do him good....

May I suggest you go through all the vehicles,the garage,closets,drawers and even bowling ball holes.

Know that he is not where he wants to be but rather where he needs to at this point in time.

Respectfully,
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Old 06-17-2011, 04:33 PM   #3
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Re: (first post). Just got home from dropping husband at rehab...

Thank you Phoenix. He said yesterday that it was his rock bottom. He internalized a lot so there's most likely more to this than I know right now. I will take your advice. I've made it a point to clean out areas like his closet regularly which is when I've caught him most times. I plan to rid this house of any substance or reminder before he gets home. If anything, it'll keep me occupied right?

I pray that he learns to communicate his feelings there. I communicate information for a living, so I've tried all I know to help him open up. He's often said he wished he could articulate how he felt, but when he starts, the emotion takes over and the thoughts escape him usually just leaving him forgetting his thought and frustrated or angry.

I just miss him. The real him. I've loved him whole heartedly since I met him. Sure, I've been angry, sad, frustrated, disappointed, etc in the past with all this but the last time it happened, I took our daughter and left for the night because I'd found empties in his truck that day and I knew he drank them then drove to daycare, picked her up and drove her home. I just needed space and came back the next day. I told him when I returned that I loved him, and I wanted to listen/help anyway I could but that I couldn't let our daughter grow up like he did and I couldn't risk him drinking then driving her around, ever. 2 beers and one mike traveled or not-it's still drinking and driving. I prayed for grace to give him and I gave it. I promised I wouldn't yell or fight anymore if he'd just be honest when he either craved it or when he gave in and did it.

The honesty lasted long enough for me to trust him some which is why this blindsided me. Now I worry that he won't be honest in rehab or that he won't be when he gets out.

This is the hardest experience I've been through other than losing my father.

I feel blessed that he's there and he's safe and that it was family that caught him instead of the law or someone getting hurt. I believe in God as my higher power and believe He can heal all. Just praying for peace, healing and restoration for all of us right now.

I'm so thankful to have found this board. The stories here are raw and hard to read, but they're reality and as bad as it sucks that anyone is enduring this, I believe there's hope and healing for all.

 
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Old 06-17-2011, 05:35 PM   #4
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Re: (first post). Just got home from dropping husband at rehab...

I am/was in a similar situation. A bit on my story (kinda like yours).. I ve been with my girl for 14 years. I had my own business.. I used my companies money to buy drugs and lots of them. I kept, for the most part, my addiction from those around me. In fact, my girl really didn't know until shortly before I was arrested. I went downhill fast. I was in jail for 10 days which dried me out and I followed up jail with several addiction sessions. I then voluntarily went to a month long in patient rehab. It was one of the best things that happened to me and to my relationship.
I will spare you the details of my relationship "NOW" but I can tell you when I came out of rehab, it was as if my relationship was new again. I ve always been in love with my wife but the new feelings (the kind that bring butterflies when you first met) came back to us both.

Think of the rehab as a mental time out for you. Take the first week and think of nothing but yourself and your child. Take yourselves out and splurge on a manicure and pedicure, get your hair done, go for a tan (unless your black like me then you can DE TAN)... but do it for the 2 of you.

You will have plenty of time to think about the other stuff when you have you taken care of first. YOU are not to blame. YOU can only get stronger from this point on because this is as low as you have ever been. I promise you will be happier in the end as long as you put yourself first from this point forward.

I forgot to add.... he is going thru a tough time also so don't beat him up too badly. I may be able to offer you a little insight also.. if he was anything like me and let the drugs cloud his judgement, he may experience feelings of extreme guilt when he is able to think clearly.... just go with the flow and let him have his moments... it may be what you want to hear or it may not, just be prepared.

Good luck.

Last edited by corissa3; 06-17-2011 at 05:42 PM.

 
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Mandagrl1 (06-17-2011)
Old 06-17-2011, 06:08 PM   #5
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Re: (first post). Just got home from dropping husband at rehab...

Thank you for sharing that Corissa! Yes, he has HUGE amounts of guilt he carries. I believe the guilt contributes a lot to his need to self medicate like he does. I don't want to beat him up-I want to lift him up. Forgive and encourage him. Even through the process of evaluation and admission since yesterday, once the ball got rolling-we laughed together again. We were even joking through tears as I told him goodbye. It's as if the relief of starting the process to recovery was already easing the strains it's had on our relationship. When they walked him away he reached for me and I remember at that moment realizing that it's not HIM who's been doing this-it's the pain he's carrying that he can't handle and also can't express that's doing it. He is medicating the pain and depression to shut it out. When I realized that, any hurt or pain I've endured over it just fell away. It's like seeing him all over again for the amazing, talented, hilarious person he used to be.

And that's when it broke my heart to watch him walk away. Part of me was praising God for this treatment and the other is screaming inside because it's not fair and I don't want him to hurt anymore or feel plagued by the guilt or addiction anymore. I just want him to be healthy and happy! That's what I'm angry at now. Just mad at the process. It's necessary, I know, but I'm just hurting for him. Hurting for our daughter, hurting for me.

I know everyone wishes they could wave a wand and make it go away....and part of me feels childish for wanting that too because it's just unreasonable. I'm just giving into all of these emotions tonight FOR ME. While no one is around to worry or worry about. I need this I know it. I need to be selfish to some degree, like you said and just not think about it-I'm bad to let stuff consume me. I tend to lean on the side of having an anxiety disorder thy manifests in obsessing over what I cannot fix or control. This is just one of those things, but it happens to be the closest person to me that's enduring it.

Last edited by Mandagrl1; 06-17-2011 at 06:09 PM. Reason: Misspelling

 
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Old 06-17-2011, 07:14 PM   #6
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Re: (first post). Just got home from dropping husband at rehab...

you and ur husband need god in ur lifes and things will get better .



Quote:
Originally Posted by Mandagrl1 View Post
Hello all. I discovered this board today while waiting on my husband to be admitted. Now he's there for 30 days and I'm here and I'm grieving him and don't know what to do!

Forgive my emotions, they're all over the map right now. A little background first-

He and I have been together 16 years. Highschool sweethearts who married almost 11 yrs ago. We have a wonderful 5yo daughter together. Despite his addictions (alcohol and pain pills), he's my best friendand the love of my life. I'll do anything to help his recovery.

His parents were hard alcoholics. His mom also abused pain and sleeping pills all his life. Both did rehab/jail several times. Before them, I'd never known an addict.

We married young and partied a lot in our early 20's. No drugs, just drinking on weekends and the occasional beer or two during the evening during the week. Once we decided to start a family, we bought a house and settled down. Not to say we never drank, but it was occasionally at best.

When our daughter was a baby, it was tough. She was sick a lot, very colicky and just a hard baby overall. Also, my mom and brother moved in w/ us when she was 6wks old because they had nowhere to go. It was stressful that year to say the least. When she was 2, his pain started. He has a physically demanding job, so we thought that caused it. A trip to the doc returned nothing major. They gave him an rx for strong ibuprophen and sent him home. Soon after, I had hand surgery and was given lortabs. I took 5 of the 20 in the bottle. I found the empty bottle in our garage a week after I'd taken one last. I lost it and he admitted to taking them. He'd also been getting them from a friend at work. We talked it out, he promised no more.

After that, his drinking increased to a couple of beers every night and hard liquor most weekends. We talked about that too and he said no more.

In the last 3 years we've had about 3 major blowups over him either taking pills behind my back or me finding empty beer cans when he said he'd quit drinking. The last major one was about 10 mos ago and his family was involve in a sort of semi-intervention. His dad has been sober for almost 10 yrs, his siblings aren't addicts and his mom still goes on the occasional bender. We all asked him to try some meetings, but he never did. Sine then, I've known him to have a beer or 2 on 3 occasions, and was not aware of any pills. He'd gone to a specialist and been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and they were giving him non narcotic pain meds since we went together to the initial appt and told them about his past issues.

In the past 3 mos he's complained more and more about the pain. He's got terrible insomnia and always seems exhausted. He's been moody, impatient and irritable when normally he's happy, funny and loving.

He takes adderall for ADD which he's had since a child and I noticed he'd started taking 3/day instead of 2. I talked to him about it and tried to get him to open up but all he'd say was that the doc ok'd it as long as it wasn't everyday.

Fast forward to yesterday-his sister called me. He worked for his family business and had been turning in tickets on work he'd never done. This has been going on for months. They told him last week if it happened again he'd be sent home a week w/o pay. Well, it happened again. I had NO idea his work was like this. He's not very close to his siblings even though they work together so they never calle about it before now.

Once they got him home they search his work truck and found several empty pill bottles and small empty wine bottles.

I came home and we talked and his parents had come by and talked to him. His dad encouraged rehab because detox with ongoing treatment and meetings was all that worked for him and he's never relapsed.

We agreed this was best and his sister said he needed to do it or they wouldnt be able to keep him in a job due to the liability.

It just took me off guard. With how he's been acting, I guess I should've known. I thought it was the pain making him feel like that. I've been begging him to see his doc, but he wouldn't go. He's tried antidepressants before because he carried so much guilt, shame, remorse and anxiety from the past times he'd been caught and said they never worked for him.

It was hard for him to admit he's an addict because he doesn't get completely drunk, he just has enough to take the edge off. He doesn't eat handfuls of pills, maybe 6-8 10mg lortabs on his worst day. He's gone days, weeks without either substance and other than being a grump, was ok. He says he doesn't constantly feel the need to drink or medicate. He's a terrible liar and for the most part, I believe what he said.

I told him that to me, the addiction was more evident when he was sober for a period of time because that's when he slowly changes as he's gone without getting angrier, sleepier, less patient, more withdrawn, etc...

Now I'm sitting here alone having found all of this out and dropped him off at rehab where they're talking strip searches and detox, all in the last 36 hrs. My mom has our daughter tonight because I'm just a wreck. My hearts in pieces worried about how hard this will be on HIM more than I am for me.

I know I've been wrong to run myself ragged to do all the hard or unsavory parts of parenting or marriage so he didn't have to for years. It was how I coped. I thought that protecting him
Or allowing him to rest would prevent a binge. Now that person within cant stand that this is going to hurt him and I can't be there to help.

We don't want to tell our daughter. She's never seen him drunk and we haven't discussed it or argued in front of her. I travel for work time to time so we've told her that's where he was going today. God willing this will be the only time and she'll be young enough to not remember. He's never hurt her or neglected her even if he was tired or moody around me, so she knows nothing is wrong.


I just feel so empty without him near. I don't really know what or how to do this. Any advice is greatly appreciated! Sorry for the novel, I just needed to get it all out...

 
Old 06-17-2011, 08:41 PM   #7
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Re: (first post). Just got home from dropping husband at rehab...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mandagrl1 View Post
Now I worry that he won't be honest in rehab or that he won't be when he gets out.
The counselors at the clinic will have a sense of whether or not he is being sincere in his efforts.

Some may be former addicts themselves and can easily sift through the "games people play."

If he is totally honest with himself and takes a look at the man in the mirror he may just walk away with a wealth of information.

Hoping for the best,
Phoenix
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Old 06-17-2011, 09:25 PM   #8
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Re: (first post). Just got home from dropping husband at rehab...

We have God in our lives. I'm believing Him first for peace abd deliverance.

I have been to an al anon meeting and perused those boards, but most of the wives are divorcing their husbands, or are very bitter-which based on how they're treated in those cases, makes sense, but I'm not bitter. I love him and I dont want to leave him. I'm not even angry with him. I just feel like I don't belong.

 
Old 06-17-2011, 11:16 PM   #9
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Re: (first post). Just got home from dropping husband at rehab...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mandagrl1 View Post
I have been to an al anon meeting and perused those boards, but most of the wives are divorcing their husbands, or are very bitter-which based on how they're treated in those cases, makes sense, but I'm not bitter. I love him and I dont want to leave him. I'm not even angry with him. I just feel like I don't belong.
It's the circle of addiction and addictive behavior.

Please realize that not every meeting will suit your particular needs.

The key component is to try and take from the meeting what may work for you and the rest can be discarded.

Oh yes,a lot of individuals are bitter by the time they enter Al-anon.

Some have been through a lot,at the expense of the individual addicted.

It's more about sympathizing,empathizing and realizing that drug addiction has caused many heartache and pain on psychological,physical and/or financial levels.

Some had children who met their demise due to addiction and have other children who may be following a similar pathway.
--------
I both understand and respect that it may not be for you but felt it was necessary to point out just a few variables that come into play.

Respectfully,
Phoenix
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Old 06-18-2011, 08:05 AM   #10
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Re: (first post). Just got home from dropping husband at rehab...

Thank you Phoenix, you're exactly right.

 
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