Some of you have followed my previous threads about the breakup of my 7 year relationship. I am really embarrassed to admit that not one day has gone by that I was not in contact with him in some form. I simply do not know how to let go of 7 long years. I know I have a major problem and I know I am codependent, but what doesn't help is the fact that every long term relationship I have been in (2), I was left for another woman. It makes me feel worthless, disgusting, ugly, pathetic, etc. etc. If the man I loved for years leaves me for the next pretty thing, how can I feel good about myself? Obviously, I was not good looking enough or interesting enough to hold their attention. I also feel like I was not worthy enough to just be let go, but instead so worthless and horrible that they have to go find other women to distract them from me.
Why do men do this? Why can't they just realize they are not happy, let their significant other go and THEN find a replacement? Why do they continue telling you they love you while they sneak away for late night meetings in parks?
Obviously, I just found out the truth, he did cheat on me and he is with this stupid little 18 year old. She lives in another town that is like 8 hours away, but he feels her worthy enough to establish a relationship with because, "he sees something" between the two of them. How can he see this when he never even gave himself time to not have me??? He was cheating on me with her, liked her and spent time with her before he even ended our relationship! He hasn't even mourned the loss of me because he has been too busy being happy talking to his new interest. This fact makes me feel even more worthless. How can a man who loved me do this to me? How can someone lie and lie and lie until they look pathological? Its obvious he is not an honorable man, but the codependent side of me thinks this is all my fault.
The following 3 users give hugs of support to: tattoogirly
bronze aussie (06-25-2011),Curious One (06-29-2011),ninamarc (06-23-2011)
I absolutely can't stand sexist generalizations, because not all men behave one way, or all woman another, but I read a very depressing statistic once that said that men tend to end relationships for other women, while women tend to end them because they are unhappy.
It wasn't an overwhelming "100% do this", more like 60% (I wish I could remember the numbers) but it was enough to admit it's a little skewed.
You were with a guy who took a cowards way out (in my opinion, of course). It is not your fault at all. Try to look at it with the attitude that you're better off without a cheating coward. Be thankful he isn't your problem any more.
When I was much younger I used to think women who got all angry over their men "looking" at other women were nuts. Now I'm not so sure. After many years of friendships with men (I work at a place that's dominately male and leans toward an older population) I've come to believe this happens simply because some men never stop looking. I actually don't think it's anything all that personal. At some point these two met and your ex was still looking. At that point he may have been perfectly happy with you. He may not have been planning any escape. But once she started to charm him and make him feel like the king of the world, you were playing a losing game. She's new and exciting and yes, in this case, younger. You don't even know there's a game going on!
I saw this happen quite a few times. Men who appeared happily married would suddenly have a female employee stopping by their desk to chat. Then it was lunch. Then it was on. I honestly don't think any of the men were looking to cheat. But it was on a silver platter in front of them.
I could be very wrong. But that's the way it seemed to play out over and over. I came to see it as much a weakness in women as men. The man was almost always the only one who was married (the women were usually younger and single) but it was the women who knew and chased after him. Sometimes it ended the man's marriage, sometimes it happened and then would just seem to drift away. But as odd as this sounds, in terms of the original relationship of the man's, I really think a lot of time it wasn't anything personal toward his "current" family.
So when you contact him are you trying to get him back? i understand if you've been doing that, break ups are EXTREMELY painful for the ones that really do love there partner. so sorry to hear about him cheating on you. they deserve eachother as they both are idiots and cheaters. When you contact him what do you say to him and whats he say to you? dont answer honey if you dont want to.
I was worried that was going to be the outcome of your situation (you would find out he had really cheated). I'm SO sorry to hear that, and I can just imagine how much harder that makes things for you. I know it really does damage to your self-esteem, but the best you can do is tell yourself that it's not about you. It's about him, and it's about you and him, but it's not just about you. It's not a reflection of who you are as a person, but it's a reflection of him. You guys were together for a long time, and many, many people find that a relationship goes "stale" after that long. Cheating is never right, but that's probably what happened. She was new and exciting and you were something he had for a long time. Eventually, she will be something he's had for a long time and the enchantment he has with her will wear off as well. The secret is to find a guy that WANTS that comfort and familiarity and that long-lasting love. Find a guy that seeks that out... someone who doesn't get bored, someone who's not constantly looking for the next best thing and someone that takes comfort in love and familiarity. Those are the only guys that will ever last, and they are hard to find, but they're out there.
I know he was a total coward. He couldn't just tell me when he was unhappy and then leave because of that. Had he done that, I would have agreed and we would have been on our merry way. Sure, it would have been hard and it would have hurt, but it would have been for the best and I wouldn't have to feel the way I do now, like I was not good enough and some other little girl is better than me.
I never cared when he looked at other girls, I looked too as I find the female body beautiful. I was never one of "those" girls. Heck, I allowed his "friendship" to go on with this girl because I wanted to be open and understanding. I could have freaked and forbid him to talk to her, but that would have just made him be even more sneaky. Of course, I had my reservations about his friendship with her and when I would bring up my discomfort, he would dismiss my feelings like garbage, accusing me of being jealous.
He has lied and changed his story about all of this the whole time. First it was, "I had puppy love feelings for her and now I don't" to, "We are starting a relationship, even though she is moving away", to "I only said that to make you mad, I don't like her", to "I used her to make you leave because I was too cowardly to just say I wasn't happy", to "We really are working on a relationship and I like her and she likes me". It has been up and down and basically just a horrible roller coaster ride. When I would contact him I would seek reassurance that he wasn't with her, I would request he block communication with her, I would ask him if he missed me. There was even a point where he told me he missed me, slept on my side of the bed and drank himself to sleep. He wanted to hook up when he came into town to bring me the last of my stuff and he even sent me dirty texts. He has completely messed with my emotions to the point I do not think I can move forward without serious help. I know I allowed him to, but all I would beg for was the truth. I knew deep down that he really did like her, but I wanted him to tell me the truth so I could stop wondering and know so I could move on. My fear was that I would be finally OK and then find out months down the road the real truth and be messed up again. Whats even worse is that he wasn't the one to decide to tell me, it was her. She told him to tell me, so he did. She must really mean something special for him to actually listen to her opinion. The cherry on top was the emails I received from her telling me she, "understands how much it must hurt".
The following user gives a hug of support to tattoogirly:
I've been in a similar situation, and it's a terrible feeling, and of course you feel worthless and all kinds of things, but the important thing is to really focus on yourself and start to look for other things to make you feel better, outside of speaking to him, of course.
I've never been with someone for 7yrs, my longest relationship has only been 2, but I'm going to be honest, I could be wrong and all but for me it's very important that a guy makes a commitment and if I was with someone for this long i'd really need to start talking about taking it to the next step, I've seen many long term relationships where things just don't progress and then it all falls apart.
of course you're going to be upset and hurt, you spent 7yrs of your life with this person and the least he could've done was be honest from the beginning, you deserved that, people can't control their feelings, but they can be honest about them. Honestly, I feel bad for her, she's dating a guy who was with someone for 7yrs and who left this person to date her, someone he barely knows, what can this really say about him? I think it's really crappy for her to send you messages, if she understands how much it hurts why does she participate in hurting someone this way?
You're going to get past it, I'm not saying it isn't going to be hard, it's always hard but keep in mind that you'll come out being a stronger person.
"tell me, what was your face before your mother and father were born?"
I don't really feel sorry for her, actually not at all. She knew what she was getting herself into. She also actively pursued a man who was unavailable. She also had to throw it into my face how she was smart enough and a psych major, so she "can handle it". She is a total worthless piece of trash, yet he is eating it all up because she is stroking his ego in a huge way. He told me part of why he likes her is because she expects nothing of him. They are a real pair. Im pretty sure they won't work out simply for the fact it is long distance now, but I can see her moving back to be with him. I just wish he would be alone like me for awhile. It makes me sick thinking about him being happy when he thinks about her.
I have no sympathy for her either , i hope she gets hurt like the way shes hurt you.
Some day, some how you will finally give up contacting him. You have the truth now (that he cheated) so what is they left to say? I know 100% how hard it is to let someone go , and when you want to know details but on the hand you dont as its too painful. Although i'd never ask for details.
Its pointless me saying ''just stop contacting him'' because weve all said that but its your life and your finding it extremely diffacult right now and you will stop contact in time and when your feeling strong. You will at some point find some strength to say bye bye and actually mean it and move on.
Remember though not all men cheat and lie. I used to think they do , but i was obviously wrong.
He's never going to say anything that will make you say "oh , ok I understand and I am totally fine now". So yes, the best thing is to stop the contact and the begging for answers and the begging that he tell you he misses you.
You understand what a huge boost to his ego your calls, texts and begging are, don't you? Why would you want to make him feel like the big studly man who has 2 women chasing him?
Contact with him hurts you and only you, and to continue is to knowingly keep hurting yourself. You CAN stop yourself. I can assure you that the only way you can start to heal is if you stop hurting yourself by calling him.
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to CadenceA For This Useful Post:
cryingforever (06-19-2011),Curious One (06-29-2011)
I agree with Cadence. The fact of the matter is, the reason why you haven't been able to move on is because you keep talking to him. He hurt you really, really badly, and you're very angry with him (rightfully so). Why on earth do you want to keep talking to a jerk like that who hurt you so much? What do you get out of it besides a constant reminder of the pain he has caused you?
I'm also in agreement that your constant contact with him is doing a lot to boost his ego and to make him think he's awesome and great since he has you trailing after him like a lovesick puppy dog. What you really need to do is get the upper hand in this situation, the only way of which is to cut him off completely. He made his choice, he chose her, now he has to live with that decision and all of the consequences that it brings. Whether he ever will realize what a great thing he just threw away with you, it's hard to say. Some guys never realize it because they are complete idiots. But the point is that it's not your problem anymore. Your only focus right now needs to be to heal and move on from this, and to get him out of your life once and for all.
If he called you up today and said he wanted to get back together right now, would you do it? But why would you want to after all of the pain he has put you through? And furthermore how could you ever trust him again? Again, I'm very confused about what exactly you get out of contacting him on a daily basis besides just more pain and suffering. It is absolutely not helping you and it is absolutely making you feel like crap. You are making yourself crazy with him and it's time to take your control and your respect back. Please stop contacting him or else you will keep hurting, I guarantee it.
Last edited by Kszan; 06-19-2011 at 10:23 AM.
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cryingforever (06-19-2011),Landaks (06-20-2011)
I agree, my pain and suffering are directly related to my need to contact him. I am delusionally believing that he will see things from my perspective and leave the girl. It is ridiculous and a waste of time. It is just so hard for me to let go and accept that he doesnt care anymore...
~ one way, one sentence, deep meaning >> to love him/her is to let him/her go if he asked to come back, then don't take it too easy. let him chase you again. If he didn't ask, well.. that's your call. You will get better without him. Be strong.
Men will date a new girl while still with the old girl for many reasons. For one, a man does not like to end his source of sex before he finds a new one. You drop the girl you have without another waiting in the wings it could mean months of no sex and most men won't do that. And you have to find out if the sex is going to be good or not. If the new girl has the skills needed or is someone who lays there like a dead fish. Not already having a girlfriend would lead to taking the first girl that comes along out of desperation. Since you already have a girl you can fairly judge if the new girl is worthy to date or not and not be blinded by need for sex.
There is also the fear of retribution. "If I break up with her, she will act crazy" So they find a woman they can confide in and will lend them emotional support during the stress of dealing with an angry woman that will lash out at him.
And of course there are the hundreds of little promises that one makes to any long term girlfriend that are always bs. One doesn't want to go back on their word so they will string a relationship along way longer than they should all the while lamenting ever saying anything to start with.
The Following User Says Thank You to -CvC- For This Useful Post:
Curious One (06-29-2011)
Thank you for your honest take, CvC. I think way too many times we women tend to overcomplicate matters by wanting desperately to believe that men think the way we women do. "He's hurting, maybe he's scared, maybe I pushed him away, which means I can pull him back, maybe he's struggling with this, that or the other and all I have to do is give more, love more, etc. and I can fix this" when in reality, the cold hard truth of the matter is, he's just not that into us.
It's important to get a good dose of reality from a guy who tells us the truth.