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Old 06-25-2011, 06:11 AM   #1
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I'm new here and need advice

Hi, I am a mom of a 22 year old very smart, charismatic and handsome son, who has everything anyone can ask for, a beautiful home, two parents who love him, and the future WAS his oyster...until three years ago when he started doing drugs. I could write a book about what's gone on in these past years, but I'm sure it will just mirror everyone else's stories. Right now I am at a crossroad, because I am READY to kick him out, but yet I've been told by local police (he's never been arrested..he's "too smart" to be that dumb), that I cannot legally kick him out, I need to go through legal channels which could take months. I am living with my bedroom door locked, I NEVER leave my pocketbook around, it is attached to my hip, I have a PO box so he can't get my mail (the lock on the mailbox didn't quite work), I've had to change my checking account and my husband's countless times due to missing checks (which he manages to cash somehow), and yes, I do hide my checkbook, but he finds things. Right now he says he is "trying on his own" to detox and I told him if he's not clean by Sunday he has to go to a rehab for 30 days at least, but of course if insurance doesn't pay for it, then he's not going, because I'm already out at least 50,000 from all the stuff and money has has stolen from me. we paid for his last rehab stint about three months ago, 4000 for five days, and we have "great" insurance, but they wouldn't pay for inpatient.
I am so devastated, I just don't know what to do. I feel like there really is no help if you don't have money. What do I do? I am probably his biggest enabler, so I know that has to stop, but it's so hard, especially when he comes crying to me and swears he wants to stop, blah blah blah, I feel so bad for him and I want to help him. It's so hard to watch him suffer when I know I can make it better, but I realize that I'm not making it better, I'm just prolonging him from hitting rock bottom, which I know he's gonna do eventually. Oh god, this is such a nightmare, I feel like he is sucking the life out of me.
sorry, this is so long, I could go on and on, but I'll stop here!

 
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Old 06-25-2011, 06:39 AM   #2
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Re: I'm new here and need advice

I cant give you advice as it sounds like hes hitting the gear pretty hard..and he wont stop until he is ready too, and it usually takes something to scare the living **** out of you to do that, like a buddy o.d ing or something. but to get to that point at somestage, you still need to buy one more day...everyday, until theres a day that brings u to the point of staring into the abyss knowing that this is your last chance, and I know all about that enabling stuff, but you cannot stop loving him..loving him is not enabling him.....I dont know what you should do, because I have not been the mum, I have been the user, but I did it away from my loved ones.....they didnt enable me because they didnt know, until I stared into that abyss on my own, and needed their help...but my heart goes out to you...he needs to find one more day, each day, somewhere, somehow....bush retreats away from drug sources can be good, what they cant get, they cant use....goodluck....

 
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Old 06-25-2011, 07:26 AM   #3
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Re: I'm new here and need advice

I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through. Addiction is horrible and it affects all parties involved.
You don't have to stop loving him, but enabling him is definitely not doing him any good. If it were me, I'd start displaying some tough love. No matter how hard it would be to see him cry and hurt, he's not going to stop until he hits his bottom. Unfortunately, its different for everybody and no one, not even the addict, knows when or how it will come.
Letting him go will be the hardest thing ever, but there's nothing you can do for an addict. His want to quit and stop living the life he is, has to be stronger than wanting to use. Right now, he has people constantly bailing him out. Its not doing him any good. He's not facing responsibility for the life he's choosing to live.
I didn't stop my addiction until I hit my bottom. It didn't matter how many times my fiance cried and begged for me to stop. It didn't matter that my kids would find me passed out. It didn't matter to me how I was destroying my family. It didn't matter until I was at my bottom and had to face my addiction and what I had become.
I'm not supposed to advertise anything here and really wish I could PM, but I will say that you should research and read up on as much as you can. I'm sure there's alot of information on friends and family of addicts.

 
Old 06-25-2011, 07:32 AM   #4
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Re: I'm new here and need advice

Being a mom myself I know it is VERY tough to do anything you feel will hurt him..BUT..he needs a rude awakening. Seeing you can't legally toss him out I would tell him he either has to get some help or you will start the procedure for tossing him out. I'm sure he knows it will take months but you need to let him know you are willing to go through it.

Right now I feel he knows your basically a typical "pushover mom" and is using it for his benifit. Oh yes, he will promise you anything just to get you to stay on his side and help. Don't wait till he hits rock bottom and there is no hope for him, that could lead to worse problems later. It's going to be hard for you to get tough with him but it is for his own good.

Just lay down the law and tell him that you and your husband have had enough and are willing to go through anything to make him be responsible for his own life. If you keep giving him one more try Lord only knows how long before all your lives will be ruined. If your insurance won't pay for inpatient, see if you can somehow get him to go to counseling. It might be helpful if it was even a family counseling thing. Please...do something to try and wake him up before your entire family is wrecked.

All my best to you, and keep us posted...JJ...
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Old 06-25-2011, 08:41 AM   #5
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Re: I'm new here and need advice

thank you, I am actually printing up your response and giving it to my son. Good luck to you!!!!!

 
Old 06-25-2011, 09:12 AM   #6
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Re: I'm new here and need advice

Has he tried a methadone clinic? It will help wean him. If he really wants to quit.
I've lost a handful of friends due to drugs and drinking and it's the saddest thing I've ever seen. They died with people feeling sorry for them. What in life is that bad.
I think your son has forgotten what sobriety feels like. If he gets sober for a while he will feel free and normal again. He will taste again, feel again, life is full of things to do.
Your son can also go into a rehab and say he is homeless and yes you CAN throw him out. You pack up all his things and set them outside the door. It's going to be hard on you but you have to quit enabling him.
Read about codependancy. Good luck

 
Old 06-25-2011, 11:40 AM   #7
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Re: I'm new here and need advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by sadsadmom View Post
Hi, I am a mom of a 22 year old very smart, charismatic and handsome son, who has everything anyone can ask for

I could write a book about what's gone on in these past years, but I'm sure it will just mirror everyone else's stories.

I told him if he's not clean by Sunday he has to go to a rehab for 30 days at least, but of course if insurance doesn't pay for it, then he's not going, What do I do?

I am probably his biggest enabler, so I know that has to stop, but it's so hard, especially when he comes crying to me and swears he wants to stop, blah blah blah, I feel so bad for him and I want to help him.

It's so hard to watch him suffer when I know I can make it better, but I realize that I'm not making it better,

I'm just prolonging him from hitting rock bottom, which I know he's gonna do eventually. Oh god, this is such a nightmare, I feel like he is sucking the life out of me.
sorry, this is so long, I could go on and on, but I'll stop here!
Hello S,


He is without a proper coping mechanism.

All the tangible and intangible things in the world mean nothing to an addict,if he has lost sight of one thing;himself.

Forget about "mirroring" someone else's situations;speak on it and get it out.

Stop holding it in.

call the local clinics in the area and/or contact the insurance provider directly to see what options remain available.

His biggest enabler;the jury's out on that one but competing with you is his supplier,or dealer.

They will put him in a hole,owing them,then put him to work(just one scenario).

If he is as intelligent as you give him credit for,he will find a way to obtain his substance of choice.

You may love him dearly but you cannot save him....

unless he wants to be saved.

Rock bottom is the concept of realization;the wake up point;the point of no return,if you will.

No one really knows what their bottom will be and even the thought of their own demise fails to prevent those from continually crossing that line,erasing it and then drawing another one(metaphorically) even further away.

Yes,it is difficult to witness.

Treat him the way you would any troubled individual that you truly love;unconditionally but with an unwavering firmness.

Respectfully stated,
Phoenix
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Old 06-25-2011, 01:24 PM   #8
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Re: I'm new here and need advice

You asked for advice....... so here goes.

I'll spare you my details as they are as bad as they come.

First off, ask yourself this... If Y O U were approached by a stranger and asked what YOU would do in this situation.. how would YOU respond? I bet the answer you would give the stranger is EXACTLY the way you should handle your situation.

It amazes me how many (enablers) will help their loved one KILL THEMSELVES or bring them further down the crapper somewhat unwillingly but nevertheless they do it.
Hmmm, my brother is an extreme druggie so I'm going to give him 20 dollars so he can buy more cuz if I don't he may do something dumb and get into trouble.

When it comes time to help someone, we struggle and need to come to terms with being hated. NEWSFLASH, like it or not, you are hated now! If they loved you or themselves, they wouldn't be in this position.

Back to the advice... See if you can have him arrested. If he truly is as bad as you say and you've tried everything, maybe a stint in jail will help. I know Ill receive a bashing for this response but if you have ever been to jail, you'd know its not a place you want to return.

For myself, thats what it took. A good 17 days to reflect on how truly blessed I was in life and how miserable and horrible jail was. Haven't touched the stuff since and thats over a year now.

 
Old 06-25-2011, 01:45 PM   #9
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Re: I'm new here and need advice

CORISSA3 WROTE:

It amazes me how many (enablers) will help their loved one KILL THEMSELVES or bring them further down the crapper somewhat unwillingly but nevertheless they do it.
Hmmm, my brother is an extreme druggie so I'm going to give him 20 dollars so he can buy more cuz if I don't he may do something dumb and get into trouble.


WELL SAID, I COULDN'T AGREE MORE!

Last edited by 3mthsofar; 06-25-2011 at 01:46 PM.

 
Old 06-25-2011, 07:34 PM   #10
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Re: I'm new here and need advice

And AMEN to that. You hit it right on the nose!!! I lost my 25 yr old son March 3....
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Old 06-25-2011, 09:27 PM   #11
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Re: I'm new here and need advice

Sorry to read your post. YOU CAN NOT "FIX HIM"!!! I'm 58 years old, but was a major addict from age 15 - 21. I stoled from everyone. No one...NO ONE...can get better until they hit rock bottom and all support ends. It was the hardest times for my parents, but their tough love took me to the darkest days when I realized I had to stop. You are a prisioner in your own home and that has to stop. We unfortunetly hear about all the addicts that would be every parents worst nightmare....but believe it or not it usually doesn't end that way (thankfully). Addicts do not understand respond to what is rational, they accuse you of their problems. It only to allow themselves to believe they can continue their actions with no consequenses. He will not accept counselling unless he truly wants to change. I hit rock bottom....hard...and then, only then, did I help myself. Be strong. The best thing for YOU and your family to do is go for counselling and talk to other parents in the same position. You will learn so much and really get the help direction and support you need to help ALL.

 
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Old 06-26-2011, 06:03 PM   #12
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Re: I'm new here and need advice

He is sick. He needs professional help. But until he hits rock bottom he won;t stop. It's a difficult situation when you consider through him out. I would make an appt. w/a drug consular for you and your husband and let them give you guidance. Back in the early 70's
I know I put my mother thru a lot. I was a junkie shutting up speed, crystal meth and
heroin. I don't envy you, as this will be difficult. One last thought. He will not stand a chance of stopping until he is ready to quit for HIMSELF. The last time I shot up was 1976.
I hope and pray this situation will lead to a good outcome.
Your brother in Christ

Last edited by Flarotagilla; 06-26-2011 at 06:04 PM. Reason: mispelling

 
Old 06-26-2011, 06:07 PM   #13
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Re: I'm new here and need advice

By the way I 64 and going thru morphine withdrawal. I have not abused it. I was on it for over 5 years. My wife and I flushed the rest of morphine down the toilet.

 
Old 06-26-2011, 10:26 PM   #14
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Re: I'm new here and need advice

Okay, I'm not sure what this crap the local cops are telling you about not being able to toss him from your home....but that's exactly what it is crap. He is 22, he is not a minor, you are not required to provide residence for him anymore. the next time he leaves your home, pack his stuff in boxes of hefty bags, set it on the front lawn or driveway, change the locks, and tell him when he gets straight he's welcome back at your house, but not before then.

 
Old 06-27-2011, 07:55 AM   #15
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Re: I'm new here and need advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by katlin09 View Post
Okay, I'm not sure what this crap the local cops are telling you about not being able to toss him from your home....but that's exactly what it is crap. He is 22, he is not a minor, you are not required to provide residence for him anymore. the next time he leaves your home, pack his stuff in boxes of hefty bags, set it on the front lawn or driveway, change the locks, and tell him when he gets straight he's welcome back at your house, but not before then.


I totally agree with the statement made about not being able to toss him. It's a struggle to throw a loved one out... it's also sometimes a necessary evil. Love and tough love is still love.

You have to have the strength inside to let go of the emotional guilt and start living for yourself. Nothing wrong with putting yourself first, in fact it's what you should do above all else in this case.

Pack his stuff. The mental effect that will have on him (if you are strong enough to do so) might just be the kick start he needs to get straight.

Good luck.

 
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